Inappropriate emotional responses to funerals

[Suzette]

Does anyone else have inapproprite emotional responses to funerals or any event really.

I hate funerals, not because everyone is sad but because one is supposed to act sad, maybe cry or be solemn.
The first funeral I went to was for a classmate that died from leukemia. I was horrified to find myself smiling and I even laughed.
I've been to several funerals since and I still have to bite my tongue to keep from laughing and smiling.
The thing is, while I feel sad that someone I know and love is gone, I am happy for them in a weird way too.
I am hesitant to post this message because I know it is bizarre. I have never confessed these things before to anyone!
Can anyone relate to this?

 

[Varzar]

You're definitely not alone. That's pretty much my exact experience with funerals/death as well.

 

[Binary_Bark]

Actually, not bizarre at all concerning.
Myself find myself doing the same thing sometimes if I don't police myself.
Eg. People getting sad and all crying when they see on the news 57 people died in a plane crash. Would often find myself smiling and other people think your a psycho for doing so.

There is nothing wrong with it, we see it in a different more logical way.
To me those feigning the sadness and emotions are the posers, fakers.

It also has to do with our human nature and own kin. We are programed to care and protect our closest kin. A close family member dies, that affects you, someone you sort of knew or somewhere on the planet dies, meh, because they are not kin.

Yes you could just try and fake the facial expressions (never could get faking the emotions right).

I know it's difficult to do, its hell for me to try and do, but try to just ignore the other people in situations like these.

 

[SimonSays]

Absolutely. While I haven't been to many, nothing about them I can take seriously. I understand other people do, and if they notice me they might conclude I don't care. But the truth is I don't care, not in the way they think they are, or need to, or are expected to. I see things differently.

Even those who claim a belief in some kind of afterlife, still act as if it is terribly sad, but I think they are just reflecting their own sense of loss, so it's all about them really, not the person who has died. I don't see death as death, so if someone was suffering then I'm happy they're no longer suffering. I don't have to create a structure about the way I feel with some belief. I'm fine about it.

Look, perhaps if one loses a child it's not easy to be objective. The sense of loss must be overwhelming. A close family member we loved dearly may also affect us differently.

I like sitting in cemeteries though. Lovely calm peaceful places. Especially lawn cemeteries.

 

[Suzette]

Yes you could just try and fake the facial expressions (never could get faking the emotions right).

I do fake it. At least long enough to give my condolences for the grieving family. Then I sit in the back so no one can see me if I slip up. Sometimes I fake a sneeze or cough to cover a giggle. Mad woman alert!

 

[Judge]

Frankly I loathe most any social rituals. Nothing to fake when I can and usually do avoid them entirely.

Fellowship itself is simply not one of my priorities and never has been. I know...how autistic of me!

I can say that this played a big role in my leaving the church as a teenager.

 

[Suzette]

Look, perhaps if one loses a child it's not easy to be objective. The sense of loss must be overwhelming. A close family member we loved dearly may also affect us differently. To be honest I haven't lost anyone I felt close to.

I actually refused to attend my uncles funeral. We were close. I just knew I could not behave as expected! I used work as my cover excuse (which was true but I could have insted on leave.)

 

[Binary_Bark]

I do fake it. At least long enough to give my condolences for the grieving family. Then I sit in the back so no one can see me if I slip up. Sometimes I fake a sneeze or cough to cover a giggle. Mad woman alert!

We ain't mad..... now where is my ear cooler spray....

 

[Varzar]

I do fake it. At least long enough to give my condolences for the grieving family.

Seems like the appropriate thing to do to me. Fake it as best as possible to support the grieving family. And also leave as soon as is respectful.

I get that they need to grieve in their way, and having friends and family around is perhaps important to them. So I would show up. But it's just not the way grieving works for me, even if I was close to the deceased.
On the other side, if the person I am closest to were to die (my wife), I would definitely be feeling that, but I certainly wouldn't care if others were at the funeral to "console me". Their consolations would have no impact on me, and I'd probably rather just be left alone.

 

[unperson]

I've had the impulse to giggle at a funeral, might be the taboo thing forces the opposite reaction.

 

[rach3rd]

I totally understand @Suzette. Funerals are hard for me too. It like brings everything I struggle with together in one place. Large social gatherings...check, hard for me to understand emotions in others....check, feeling claustrophobic....check, faking emotions I don't have....check.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Not at funerals, especially for people I have cared for, grieving for the mind that is lost from this world.

When horrible things happen my thoughts and emotions can go to the inappropriate, sometimes in mass shootings feeling empathy towards the murderer(s) who must have been pushed far past their ability to endure the pain of their existence. But then I use that for introspection as to why I escaped that at a time when my social/sexual isolation was especially traumatic for me.

 

[Wulven]

Yeah. I know what you mean. I don't go to funerals for that reason.

 

[Raggamuffin]

A GP once said to me - people who cry at funerals are only crying for their own mortality.

I don't really see a point to church funerals or weddings when the people attending often aren't practicing Christians anyway.

Also the death of someone famous. Even if it was someone I was really keen on. I don't ever feel obliged to write RIP or claim to be sad, and people who do make me furious. Sure "not everyone thinks like you do Ed" and that's why the world continues to confuse me.

Someone asked me today what superpower I'd like - I said mind control. I'd control the entire world. Wouldn't even be for malicious reasons either - just stop violence, war, racism, sexism etc. Make the world a better place - by force.

Welcome to the new world order baby.

Ed

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

It was a party. Food, drink, conversation, celebrating life in honor of the one that past.

That is my thinking, and the reason I have a soft spot for Dia de los Muertos.

 

[Primrose]

I can definitely relate. I usually find funerals very awkward. I'm not good at faking emotions if I don't feel them.

I like sitting in cemeteries though. Lovely calm peaceful places. Especially lawn cemeteries

Me too! Someone recently told me it was weird to enjoy sitting there, I explained how quiet and peaceful cemeteries are. Also, they are a good reminder that all this is temporary and not to take things too seriously.

 

[Aspychata]

The hard thing is registering everyone else's emotions for me. Because in my little black and white world, l am thinking, why are you crying? You didn't like the deceased. And you over there, you should be crying, not one tear is leaving your face. So l have mini-vignettes going on in my head,maybe I have no idea why? About too much in my head and this reality stuff sucks? Like rehashing something we can't change. I will morn for quite some time, especially if it was my gray cat. Yes, l am on the spectrum.

 

[Suzette]

Someone asked me today what superpower I'd like - I said mind control. I'd control the entire world. Wouldn't even be for malicious reasons either - just stop violence, war, racism, sexism etc. Make the world a better place - by force

Then you would find out if you realy do prefer your own company! Forewarned!

 

[RobZombiefan]

Does anyone else have inapproprite emotional responses to funerals or any event really.

I hate funerals, not because everyone is sad but because one is supposed to act sad, maybe cry or be solemn.
The first funeral I went to was for a classmate that died from leukemia. I was horrified to find myself smiling and I even laughed.
I've been to several funerals since and I still have to bite my tongue to keep from laughing and smiling.
The thing is, while I feel sad that someone I know and love is gone, I am happy for them in a weird way too.
I am hesitant to post this message because I know it is bizarre. I have never confessed these things before to anyone!
Can anyone relate to this?

When I lost a relative, I was inappropriate yeah, you're not alone.

 

[SimonSays]

I never went to the funeral of my best friend. He died unexpectedly. I was closer to him than I'd been with anyone. I had no need to go to a funeral though. I didn't know many of his people. I didn't need a gathering of strangers to say goodbye. He wouldn't have expected it. I knew it was just something for those left behind.

When my mum died, at the beginning of the pandemic, there was no funeral or gathering allowed. I was actually quite relieved. I didn't want to be with a family I didn't see anyway. She was cremated, her ashes put in a plastic bag and left in one of the funeral office’s cupboards. As far as I was concerned they were just what was left. It had been time for her to go. She wasn't well. She was suffering. Yes, I cried. I felt a loss, but I also felt relief more.