Inability to form close relationships

[scarletnymph]

Have you ever watched a television show or movie that features a story about the loss of a friend or loved one and feel baffled by it. I was just watching Grey's Anatomy and on the show a firefighter died and all of the firefighter's co-workers were crying and broken up and super distraught like they lost someone they really cared about, someone that was essential to their life. I don't get that.

Its also something I've seen before in other shows. Lots of shows seem to feature situations where friends die and people get really upset about it. I don't understand that at all. Well, I do ... sort of ... when my cats die I am crushed ... but I've never felt that about humans.

I have had people in my life die before. People who I'm supposed to be close too like my mom or my grand parents and that didn't effect me really. I also have had several friends die over the years. I've watched my family and other friends be upset about it, but not me. For the most part it feels no different than if they moved away. Their gone and I don't see them anymore but I don't feel destroyed by it.

I have another friend who is estranged from her mother because they can't get along and yet, when she happened to hear through the grape vine that her mother has cancer she's devastated by it. I honestly can't empathize at all with that. As a trained therapist and psychoanalyst I know how to handle it ... how to help her talk about it and explore it ... but I don't actually understand what she's feeling. It makes no sense to me.

The only person in my life that I could imagine would destroy me if I lost them is my partner. Loosing her is unimaginable, just the thought makes me feel panicky ... but anyone other human ... I can't imagine it bothering me.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be that attached to people ... not the loss part ... that obviously feels awful ... but having them in your life ... having people that you are so close to (that you aren't dating) that loosing them would destroy you. How does that feel on a regular basis? is it good? is it bad? How does that happen? Is the reason I don't have these connections because I'm on the spectrum or is it just because I haven't met the right people? Can I even HAVE connections like that or is it impossible?

I don't really expect anyone to answer these questions ... I think they are very personal ... but I'm curious if other people here have experienced these feelings and ask themselves these questions. I think the answer is yes but that is an assumption and assumptions must be tested.

 

[Suzette]

I think I understand, at least in part. I am genuinely close, emotionally, with two people. My husband and my son. I want to be close with my mother but I am not.

I did not feel grief over the deaths of my grand parents or my uncle. Like you, I simply accepted that they were gone.

My mother and I have a contentious relationship. The fact that it is so hard to be around her causes me more grief than I think her dealth will. But I will feel sad.

I think if I were to outlive my husband or son I would genuinely grieve. But I can't be sure about that, I can only imagine.

I don't think I am lacking something because I am this way. I think that I am simply accepting.

Maybe those who are emotionally affected by death resist it more. But I don't think deep greif is proof that anyone loves "more" or "better" than people like you and me. Their reaction to death is just different.

 

[Shamar]

Have you ever watched a television show or movie that features a story about the loss of a friend or loved one and feel baffled by it. I was just watching Grey's Anatomy and on the show a firefighter died and all of the firefighter's co-workers were crying and broken up and super distraught like they lost someone they really cared about, someone that was essential to their life. I don't get that.

Its also something I've seen before in other shows. Lots of shows seem to feature situations where friends die and people get really upset about it. I don't understand that at all. Well, I do ... sort of ... when my cats die I am crushed ... but I've never felt that about humans.

I have had people in my life die before. People who I'm supposed to be close too like my mom or my grand parents and that didn't effect me really. I also have had several friends die over the years. I've watched my family and other friends be upset about it, but not me. For the most part it feels no different than if they moved away. Their gone and I don't see them anymore but I don't feel destroyed by it.

I have another friend who is estranged from her mother because they can't get along and yet, when she happened to hear through the grape vine that her mother has cancer she's devastated by it. I honestly can't empathize at all with that. As a trained therapist and psychoanalyst I know how to handle it ... how to help her talk about it and explore it ... but I don't actually understand what she's feeling. It makes no sense to me.

The only person in my life that I could imagine would destroy me if I lost them is my partner. Loosing her is unimaginable, just the thought makes me feel panicky ... but anyone other human ... I can't imagine it bothering me.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be that attached to people ... not the loss part ... that obviously feels awful ... but having them in your life ... having people that you are so close to (that you aren't dating) that loosing them would destroy you. How does that feel on a regular basis? is it good? is it bad? How does that happen? Is the reason I don't have these connections because I'm on the spectrum or is it just because I haven't met the right people? Can I even HAVE connections like that or is it impossible?

I don't really expect anyone to answer these questions ... I think they are very personal ... but I'm curious if other people here have experienced these feelings and ask themselves these questions. I think the answer is yes but that is an assumption and assumptions must be tested.

You appear to be very much like me. I am unable to form any sort of bond or connection with other people. I simply cannot FEEL for other peopel. My father died, no reaction. My mother died, nothing. My grandparents, didn't care. Acquaintances and people I worked with (I have no friends) leave my life, like a puff of smoke in the wind. I only retain things I did with them, but the people themselves are meaningless. The consensus seems to be that autism is a miswired brain, and different forms of autism are due to different kinds of miswiring. For you and me (and a few others here), I think the connections that allow bonding and feelings to other people never formed. I have no idea what to do about it, but just know you are not alone in this.

 

[Tom]

Too much text to get too far. I stopped at the cat. I feel a lot towards animals. With people it is generally not so much, but with a few it has been very strong, though I may not show it.

All's I can say is you feel what you feel. Something might be changed a little by trying to understand people more, invest yourself in it. But where there is no feeling you can always at least show respect.

 

[Aspychata]

Yes, we can't form bonds the way other people can but l also don't go out and have a bunch of useless connections either.

However, at times l can feel a connection to someone that no other person can replace. Like l will never find that all my circuits felt charged and l felt at peace with this one. This has only happen twice in my life. Back about 30 years ago, and l now found it with a friend that l immediately knew l had to meet despite knowing absloutely nothing about the individual. I expect this to be the last time l find this. The rest of the people will come and go in my lifetime with no connection.☹

 

[scarletnymph]

Thank you for the replies. It is good to know that I am not alone in this. As I mentioned, I'm not sure it bothers me. Sometimes I feel like it should, like I'm a bad person because I don't get upset about things like family members dying.

Mostly, though, its just a curiosity ... it seems like its an important part of the human experience for most people ... this thing where you have family or friends that you are so close too that you want to spend a lot of time with them and you would be devastated if you lost them. For me its mostly 'out of sight, out of mind' ... or at least 'out of site, out of heart' ... heh.

 

[rach3rd]

You pretty much describe me, though the loss of my partner or children I think I would grieve. Also my two cats.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I do not get upset, but sometimes am sad that somebody who created positive memories is no longer part of my existence. Losing my spouse would devastate me.

 

[Luca]

I do feel empathy for humans but I get infinitely more invested in dogs emotionally. So I would be way more devastated if something happened to my dogs, or any dog
I’m sure this has been said on here before but… I’m indifferent to people dying in most movies, but I can’t watch anything where something even HAPPENS to a dog. Sometimes movies where there’s a bad breakup between two people who really loved each other, or a tragic death, or an abuse scene, get a few tears out of me too, but people dying of natural causes in movies doesn’t really make me too upset. However I cannot watch anything where a dog is even in mild peril.

I do get upset and I do grieve when people die. But it’s not usually visible, it’s more internal. I probably look like I’m not bothered but on the inside I’m very depressed and heartbroken. The exception to that was when my grandparents died. I actually visibly lost it, at both of their funerals. I was actually sobbing in front of everyone and it literally didn’t stop. I think I would react the same if my parents died, or my best friend. But usually when I lose someone it’s more of an internal sadness and I don’t appear sad even though I’m devastated.
However you grieve (or don’t) is perfectly ok because everyone is different!!

 

[FlowerFlo]

I can relate a bit too.I have a few deep bonds. And there are all family, pets or objects.I can get quite sad if someone close tho me died, like my grandfahter. He died when i was in 3th grade and i took me mutiple years tho recover from it.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

How an autistic brain processes interpersonal bonding and the various types of empathies will vary from person to person,...I know this from simply reading forum responses to questions like this, as well as my own personal life experience. Sure, there is some scientific evidence to suggest a general trend for autistics, as a whole, to have interpersonal bonding issues and difficulties and confusion with some types of empathies,...but these are general trends,...statistical analysis. Admittedly, I don't process my grief, I don't bond with people, in general,...with exception of my wife, I don't have meaningful relationships with anyone else but my wife, I don't miss people, I don't have a sense of loss when people leave my life. It's confusing and distressing for people like me, because I clearly don't have "appropriate" or "neurotypical" social responses in this regard,...and I worry about being judged as a "bad person" for it, but I get over it and move on. I can get into the conversation about the posterior pituitary signaling of vasopressin and oxytocin, the "social and love hormones",...but I think this is a subset of autistics that experience this,...I think I am one,...but clearly not all autistics have this issue.

 

[SusanLR]

I'm another that has never known a strong bond or was devastated when that person died, except for one.
That was my mother as she was the only person I felt happy and comfortable with and really enjoyed
doing things in life with.
Others are just there. Alone in a world of people is how I put it.

I know what you are talking about when we see groups or individuals crying and seemingly can't
live without a certain person. Or groups of people who feel true empathy over the loss of others
and when bad things happen.
It does seem to be how most people react and feel, yet I don't know that feeling either.
I've also always wondered why I don't and what it would feel like if I did.

I've never truly had friends. The desire just wasn't there.
The want for close partners and relationships wasn't either and I can't imagine how it must feel
to desire children.

Yet, I also can feel this for animals/pets.
I had a cat for 16 years that I can never talk about without tearing up.
Loved many other pets also.

I've read articles and talked with therapists about this and both refer back to the empathy pathways
being different and certain brain chemicals.
I don't feel whole or like my life is complete since her death. And at my age, I know it never will
since everyone feels the same as the next. Nothing really.
Isn't life strange?

 

[Nervous Rex]

I have been relatively unfazed during losses while others around me reacted quite dramatically. I remember a few occasions where I thought, "I'm not broken up like them. Does this mean I'm a psychopath?"

Later I learned that, no, I'm not a psychopath. I'm autistic. I experience emotions differently.

I process emotions much more slowly than others. Someone will do something to anger my wife and she is instantly mad, reacts, and she's fine 20 minutes later. It's often a full day until I get mad over it and it takes a few days after that for me to get over it.

I've also learned that I do feel emotions, but I often don't know in the moment that I am feeling them. If I stop and observe my behaviors and impulses, I'll recognize, "Oh, I'm acting anxious. What am I anxious about?" - and then with some more thought, I'll figure out what set me off and what to do about it.

So don't worry if you don't get broken up over things that others do. You may just feel and process them differently.

 

[Nemesis_2k7]

You appear to be very much like me. I am unable to form any sort of bond or connection with other people. I simply cannot FEEL for other peopel. My father died, no reaction. My mother died, nothing. My grandparents, didn't care. Acquaintances and people I worked with (I have no friends) leave my life, like a puff of smoke in the wind. I only retain things I did with them, but the people themselves are meaningless. The consensus seems to be that autism is a miswired brain, and different forms of autism are due to different kinds of miswiring. For you and me (and a few others here), I think the connections that allow bonding and feelings to other people never formed. I have no idea what to do about it, but just know you are not alone in this.

yep. i am the same. its not that i dont care. i do. and i offer assistance to the person going through it. but i do not "feel" it. zero, nothing. no connection. sounds terrible i know. its not a choice. i am just different.