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In my 40's. Never been on a date.

Discussion in 'Love, Relationships and Dating' started by Tony Ramirez, Sep 23, 2021.

  1. Tony Ramirez

    Tony Ramirez Agnostic Christian with Asperger's Syndrome

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    I never been asked out by a girl or been on a date. The only woman who approach me are married or in an relationship so they are an waste of my time.
     
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  2. RobZombiefan

    RobZombiefan Member

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    Oh, no no, no, just put yourself out, there sign up. For dating, sites try to meet people, someone never inform them you've never had a girlfriend, tell them you just haven't dated in a while, I'm not making fun of you can't, tell them that.
     
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  3. Kalinychta

    Kalinychta Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Have you thought about just accepting your situation? You’d probably feel a lot better if you did. And you could then spend your time and mental energy on things that make you happy.
     
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  4. Misery

    Misery Photo-Negative V.I.P Member

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    I've said it before, and I'll say it again:

    Stop obsessing over dating. It will only make it harder. Why? Because people ABSOLUTELY CAN tell when you're in a state that they would describe as "desperate"... and this pushes people away. OR, it could also be seen as a state of what I've always referred to as "girl-crazy"... AKA a guy who does nothing but constantly think about and "check out" women. Again, pushes people away. Even if it's not actually TRUE... they dont know that, after all.

    But also it keeps you in that depression spiral, and they can sense THAT too (it's usually VERY obvious).

    But also, there's this:

    If this is your actual attitude towards others... you'll never get what you're after, simple as that. And even if you do get a "relationship" it wont be a happy one. To think that others are a "waste of time" simply because they arent giving you a thing that you want is a very, very toxic attitude to have towards others, and it'll hurt your chances WAY worse than the other things I mentioned.

    Again: You need. To stop. Obsessing. Period. And work on your attitude.

    Until you change YOURSELF for the better, your SITUATION will not change for the better. That's just how the world often works, whether you like it or not.

    Nobody ever freaking listens to me on any of this but dagnabit I'm freaking stubborn, so there it is, again.
     
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  5. Primrose

    Primrose Well-Known Member

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    I was talking to a man in his 70's who never dated a woman and he told me he is very happy with his situation. He said he has a peaceful life and feels content.

    So, happiness without having dated is possible.
     
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  6. Gerald Wilgus

    Gerald Wilgus Well-Known Member

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    Just think about it. Women who are secure find that you are approachable. A positive sign, and yet you do not consider the interaction worthwhile? Don't you think that they do not pick up on that? And, maybe it is a lesson that people who are secure in themselves are willing to make contact. Especially in activity groups there are single women of various ages. And they WILL notice how you interact with others. So value those contacts and learn from that to step up and approach those available women you are interested in.

    I belong to cycling and paddling clubs and interact with women some a decade older than I, and I enjoy their company, it teaches me about social interaction and patience. I do not know what my future holds, but I figure that being known and with positive interaction with people I value, I will have some social support. When I had a stroke earlier this year I was pleasantly surprised that people were concerned about how I was doing.

    The lesson for you is that you must not be dismissive about friendly contact and instead value those people.
     
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  7. Suzette

    Suzette Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    The people who are most attractive to others is often described as "they make you feel like you are the only person in the room". They validate others and identify what makes someone "tick" and approach others at their level.

    It is not an impossible thing for someone on the spectrum to do this. But you have to get out of your own head and focus on others in a positive way.

    My husband does this. He says it takes less energy because he doesnt have to think of himself at all.
     
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  8. Martha Ferris

    Martha Ferris Seeking answers

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    You do not mention that you have ever pursued inviting a woman on a date. Do you always wait for a woman to make the first move? What do you consider a date? Often friends just meet up for coffee then go from there. Do you have friends? Sorry to sound harsh but what do you have to offer that someone would be interested in? Why would someone want to be around you? What are your interests? Can you find others with the same? What do you want out of the dating experience or do you just think this is something that you have to do?
    Dating is kind of old fashioned these days. People hang out together. They do activities together such as hiking, bike riding, canoeing, etc. They meet up in informal settings. Be open to possibilities.
     
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  9. Yeshuasdaughter

    Yeshuasdaughter You know, that one lady we met that one time. V.I.P Member

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    I'll bet you $5000 that there have been women who were interested in you, but they were waiting for you to make the first move.
     
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  10. Skittlebisquit

    Skittlebisquit Keep trying to be as amazing as you really are V.I.P Member

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    For me I prefer activity in small groups of say about six to eight persons. It's like if there are other ppl around then I can be more myself. I like walking alot. Ladies like walking for exercise. I'm not much interested in men. Ladies like good hygiene. Ladies like feeling safe. Ladies like being listened to before they are lusted after. Ladies like men who are healthy. Ladies like men who talk about the character of the people they admire. Ladies like being able to help someone. Ladies like hearing about what you are grateful for. Ladies like knowing that you have a sensible plan for your life. Ladies love to help you go shopping for gifts for the people that you admire and respect. Ladies like hearing about POSITIVE stories from your life.

    (So to be clear, a happy story does NOT involve; incarceration, violence, crime, death, sickness, disease, depression, obesity, mental illness, job losses, feeling like a loser, calling yourself a loser, or saying anything mean about anyone or anything)

    Ladies like men who never ever complain about anything. If you cant find something nice to say about anyone then you are not even trying. Ladies like helping men go shopping for clothes then going out to lunch or tea, or a wine bar for a spritzer. Ladies like buying presents for Christmas like right about now. Ladies like men who are very generous. Generous men have really expensive tastes and a long list of people to shop for. Ladies like men who support charities. Ladies like men who like themselves.
     
    Last edited: Sep 24, 2021
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  11. Gerald Wilgus

    Gerald Wilgus Well-Known Member

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    So very right! It took me getting my head out of my a** to recognize that just as I was very shy and inexperienced there are women as shy an inexperienced as me. Looking back from that perspective let me realize the opportunities I missed in getting to know somebody who may have been fascinating. But then, besides being shy I had the double whammy of being unable to read social signals.
     
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  12. Stardust Parade

    Stardust Parade Well-Known Member

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    Not many women want to date a man who is unemployed and lives at home with his parents. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but that’s just reality.
     
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  13. Tony Ramirez

    Tony Ramirez Agnostic Christian with Asperger's Syndrome

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    Still does not explain how only couples approach me.
     
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  14. tree

    tree Blue/Green Staff Member V.I.P Member

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    Why do you expect the girls to make the first move?

    Do you consider yourself that appealing?

    It's combined kindness, that couples approach you.
    The two of them saying to each other, there's a guy on his own.
    *We could talk to him.*

    Females/girls/women alone would have to feel highly motivated
    to gravitate toward a guy, explicitly to ask him out, on no previous
    acquaintance.
     
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  15. Sherlock77

    Sherlock77 Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    :p

    My friend says the same thing about me, tells me that he has seen it... 49 and still single, never really dated as such, I did have a fairly close relationship with another lady a couple of years back that never actually became officially dating

    Having said that I'm not really looking all that hard and I'm generally content with my life... I do realize that being in a relationship can be a wonderful support...
     
  16. Gerald Wilgus

    Gerald Wilgus Well-Known Member

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    So, why aren't you working to gain them as friends and looking to get in their good graces? You would not be the first man to have a couple as matchmakers.

    Over a decade ago a good friend lost his spouse to cancer. Within a year another friend couple in the same cycling club "arranged" for him to meet a single woman cyclist. Things went swimmingly and they have been married now for 12 years now. Everybody in my group of friends welcomed her with open arms and I am happy to see them together.

    So, unless you have a working crystal ball, I'd suggest you cultivate the friendship of those couples. Even as a single I loved showing off my cooking skills, inviting couples over for dinner, because I didn't have anything to lose and the possibility of companionship to gain. In fact, one couple was so accepting of me that they tought me how to like myself. A very valuable lesson.
     
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  17. Sherlock77

    Sherlock77 Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    But I do have an ability to communicate with other people (other women) via the camera lens... Today after work (it's the weekend! :)), I treated myself to a coffee and a walk downtown... During a brief pop up concert spotted this lady in just the right light, asked if I could take a photo... We also had a brief chat, maybe one day the camera lens will lead me to a future partner... In the meantime it's simple self confidence to even approach people like that...

    Hannah 02.jpg
     
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  18. Gerald Wilgus

    Gerald Wilgus Well-Known Member

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    Wonderful!
    What a nice way to use your interest to confidently approach somebody in a flattering way. I have no doubt that your camera lens will be attractive to the right person someday if you continue on that path.
     
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  19. Tony Ramirez

    Tony Ramirez Agnostic Christian with Asperger's Syndrome

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    That's something I tried but could not do. When I sit alone then couple will approach me which now annoyed me enough I don't want to talk to them.
     
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  20. Kalinychta

    Kalinychta Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    May I ask what exactly it is that you’re hoping to get from this thread? There isn’t a question in your original post, and you don’t seem to be finding any of our replies very helpful. Are you mostly just wanting to vent your frustration?
     
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