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I'm too shy so I made a thread to talk to you.

cberg

cberg

probably elsewhere
Well I guess that's something to discuss. I want to be more approachable regarding the 3-5 women who seem to understand me but that's kind of difficult as a 25 year old programmer.

I want to steer clear of over-complicating my thread so I'm going to disappear for a few. Ciao ~
 
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For the sake of clarity, do you mean you generated this thread to talk, here, in an effort to overcome shyness, or, do you mean you are too shy to talk to girls who understand you/ perhaps would be interested in you, and you are hoping for ideas on how to be more approachable/ overcome shyness when approached?

How does being a 25 y/o programmer effect your situation?
 
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cberg said:
Well I guess that's something to discuss. I want to be more approachable regarding the 3-5 women who seem to understand me but that's kind of difficult as 25 year old programmer.

I want to steer clear of over-complicating my thread so I'm going to disappear for a few. Ciao ~
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We seem to be in the same boat, so to speak. The only way I can meet a woman is if she approaches me or by an introduction by mutual acquaintances. I am absolutely incapable of walking up to a woman and introducing myself, even if I had a wing man for backup and confidence (assuming, of course, I had a friend who could be a wing man).

Unfortunately, I have no advice for you, other than be yourself. If she likes the person you pretend to be, you are stuck being that same person for the rest of the relationship. Best of luck.
 
Loren said:
For the sake of clarity, do you mean you generated this thread to talk, here, in an effort to overcome shyness, or, do you mean you are too shy to talk to girls who understand you/ perhaps would be interested in you, and you are hoping for ideas on how to be more approachable/ overcome shyness when approached?

How does being a 25 y/o programmer effect your situation? Are you implying that you are more of a logical/ less emotional communicator? If so, perhaps that won't be an issue, since said girls seem to understand you/ could be similar/ could find your traits quite attractive. : ))
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All of the above, really. I'm also trying to remain close to someone who's really helped me with this.

I'm not sure I'm at all conventionally attractive, I think it's more that my efforts at getting along with everyone are more pronounced than other guys. It's not that my logical monotony is adored, more that my attempts to get past it are sincere.
 
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cberg said:
I'm not sure I'm at all conventionally attractive, I think it's more that my efforts at getting along with everyone are more pronounced than other guys. It's not that my logical monotony is adored, more that my attempts to get past it are sincere.
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I think I understand. I don't think your more-pronounced efforts are cause for concern, necessarily, particularly with girls who seem to have an understanding of you, as you are. I would say the same thing that Shamar has mentioned, and be yourself. As opposed to changing something that could be difficult to continue, into the future.
 
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I suppose I should clarify that the weird thing about me is that most days I'm better adjusted than a lot of people, I'm just not at 100% there, I'm OK around people but that doesn't stop my anxiety about major happenings of any kind. I wear a lot of hats & I'm not always sure which one(s) to put on, in some kind of indescribable metaphysical sense.

It's good to stay up thinking about these things but I have a geeky 7:30 meeting tomorrow with more to follow.
 
I spent a few moments thinking about how you own a lot different hats and wondering how that's a problem because I like hats. :rolleyes:

There are 3-5 women who understand you? Isn't that a lot?
 
3-5 women is more than many 25 yr olds can claim to understand them, on or off the spectrum.
FWIW I've not had a problem finding girlfriends in the past. I had a couple of years single in my 20s (one year through choice) but that was it. I have NEVER gone up to a woman out of the blue and started a conversation though. Conversation can happen organically with friends, or friends of friends. Sometimes you may be near to somebody and you exchange smiles and that might be the spark that triggers the conversation.

The closest I have come to approaching a stranger was the few women and then eventually my wife that I met on a dating site and that was a long time ago.
 
Fino said:
I spent a few moments thinking about how you own a lot different hats and wondering how that's a problem because I like hats. :rolleyes:

There are 3-5 women who understand you? Isn't that a lot?
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Well I'm not really in regular contact with anyone.
 
Autistamatic said:
3-5 women is more than many 25 yr olds can claim to understand them, on or off the spectrum.
FWIW I've not had a problem finding girlfriends in the past. I had a couple of years single in my 20s (one year through choice) but that was it. I have NEVER gone up to a woman out of the blue and started a conversation though. Conversation can happen organically with friends, or friends of friends. Sometimes you may be near to somebody and you exchange smiles and that might be the spark that triggers the conversation.

The closest I have come to approaching a stranger was the few women and then eventually my wife that I met on a dating site and that was a long time ago.
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I'm relatively fine as a conversationalist, I suppose my thread is more about dealing with my contagious anxiety. I'm starting to think my own discomfort affects others people similarly.

I like people in general & they even tend to like me but that in itself doesn't put any of us on speaking terms. More effort is needed.
 
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I understand and agree about anxiety being contagious. Let me ask you this, Are you anxious all the time or just when you are talking to someone you do not know that well? What I have found that helps me a lot is if I focus on making the other person feel comfortable and not focus on myself and if I am acting normal or not. The only way I can actually act normal is if I am focusing on making others feels comfortable. I tell my self they are very shy and insecure and I need to make this safe for them. It makes a huge difference for me. Other wise I wrote the book on weird.
 
Have you tried any kind of relaxation techniques or meditation? As far as natural remedies for situational anxiety they are often useful. Otherwise SSRI prescription meds can help to calm anxiety.
You don't have to stride up to a woman and announce yourself to make contact. Most successful relationships develop organically. I may have met my wife via an internet dating site, but we spent a good week or 2 emailing and making friends before we met. The best partners are friends first and lovers second ;)
 
I'm caught up wishing my engineering obsessions & random knowledge counted as interesting.

I guess I can be interesting but being available & explaining things simply aren't the same thing.
 
Autistamatic said:
Have you tried any kind of relaxation techniques or meditation? As far as natural remedies for situational anxiety they are often useful. Otherwise SSRI prescription meds can help to calm anxiety.
You don't have to stride up to a woman and announce yourself to make contact. Most successful relationships develop organically. I may have met my wife via an internet dating site, but we spent a good week or 2 emailing and making friends before we met. The best partners are friends first and lovers second ;)
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Oh I gobble up lots of anxiety meds but I can't imagine dating online, I've been a hacker for a very long time. I'm concerned about the effects of social media on everyone, I feel like people are being sold downriver to anyone hungry for power over them.
 
Ginseng said:
I understand and agree about anxiety being contagious. Let me ask you this, Are you anxious all the time or just when you are talking to someone you do not know that well? What I have found that helps me a lot is if I focus on making the other person feel comfortable and not focus on myself and if I am acting normal or not. The only way I can actually act normal is if I am focusing on making others feels comfortable. I tell my self they are very shy and insecure and I need to make this safe for them. It makes a huge difference for me. Other wise I wrote the book on weird.
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I'd say I'm at least somewhat anxious most of the time. I think you're right that this is a 2 way street, I need to stop displaying reproach & maybe learn to speak more personably but I can't possibly have all the right ideas, hence my thread.
 
No, I never have the right ideas either. But when I purpose to make it about the other person I fare so much better and so less stress because I am concerning myself with making them feel comfortable and not myself. Focusing on myself always brings me anxiety.
 
You have a solid point about focus. My friend told me yesterday that I should be more focused considering my intelligence. I'm not particularly troubled by that but I also think I only became as smart as I am by doing exactly the opposite & taking in as much information as I could.

I'm bored of myself anyway so this should be easy enough. I'm acquainted with plenty of interesting people, it's just that a tiny minority of them are the ones I can really talk to.
 
To be honest I'm embarrassed to put so much detail about my thoughts online, particularly about this.

I'm simply here because I want to interact with people who find ways to love me without being so shy or anxious that I could be seen as standoffish. I've been sensing a lot of general animosity in the world lately. :(
 
Hey, coming from a fellow programmer, it's not a negative thing to be one of us. Yeah, I mean there are stereotypes, but people who know you shouldn't be driven off by those.
But yeah, I totally understand the social anxiety part. I guess I fit the stereotype on that one.
 
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