I'm Still Learning...

[SnailPie]

Hi Everyone!

I'll keep this brief if I can.

I came here to find some insight into dealing with My Beloved, whom I believe has undiagnosed AS. I was in a relationship with an NT man for 30 years, (married 25) and due to my AS I had no idea how much he was lying to me and cheating on me. I was devastated when I found out the true extent of his secret life and how much he put me at risk.

Now I am with my wonderful, talented, brilliant, caring Aspie fella, and we're like two peas in a pod. Except for some of his behaviors which--I believe--are more extreme than mine to the point where I am having difficulty understanding him.

We are having a lot of arguments where he just doesn't grasp my feelings, twists everything I say, and for my part I get completely unhinged. I honestly don't believe he's being malicious at all, but he's extremely...quirky. I do know he loves me and I think the sun rises and sets on him. But there is some basic disconnect there, even for us. We are dealing with a lot of external stressors and it's putting pressure on our lives individually and together. As a result, there are difficult conversations we MUST have and they just devolve into misunderstanding and miscommunication. It's driving both of us nuts.

I would do anything for this man, except continue to argue like this because it's effecting our well-being at this point.

I have mentioned his possible AS to him in the past, but he reacted by being very "insulted" that I said such an awful thing to him. (Ouch! He knows I have Aspergers, never been an issue, we get along great. OBVIOUSLY! )

So I don't think he's amenable to finding out more regarding himself. (Because, you know, he's 100% FINE, it's ME who has the problem, dontcha know?)
If I would "just do things his way" it would all be fine. OF course then I'D be miserable, so there we are.

I would write more, but I'm pretty wound down today from taking a beating from some traumatized NTs on another site, and I am hoping some of the NTs here would be a little kinder to me, since I have done nothing to anyone.
Apparently they believe that it's because I have AS, that the problems in my marriage were likely all due to my embodying all the terrible things that people believe we are; not due to the poor character, behavior, and entitlement of my spouse. I didn't take it personally, but it still stings a bit. So this is all I've got for now.

Cheers to all!

 

[tree]

 

[Warmheart]

Welcome here! I’m glad you’ve joined us. I’m hoping others will chime in with good support, new perspectives, and helpful ideas. I am wishing you and your mate a beautiful understanding of each other, and harmony.
I am happy that you are here.

 

[SnailPie]

Thanks, Warmheart! I have been looking for a support group populated with folks who are like-minded, understanding, and kind. This one seems the best so far.

 

[SnailPie]

Thanks, tree. I like your name!

 

[Nitro]

 

[LucyPurrs]

Welcome, this is a great site. People here are kind and supportive but honest also. I'm so sorry you had that experience with NTs at the other site- I'm an NT and I hate hearing that sort of thing.

Re your issue: somewhat hard to comment without more specifics re the issue of disagreement but is your SO unwilling to compromise? (You said all would be fine if you'd do things his way). I think it's pretty difficult to have a successful relationship if there is no compromise.

 

[Nitro]

Please keep in mind that we have a staff here that won't tolerate members belittling each other.
Use the reporting function if you feel mistreated and we will do our best to rectify the situation.

 

[Mia]

Welcome to Aspie Central:

 

[SnailPie]

There's a SNAIL PIE stop on the London Underground? Who knew????!?!??!

 

[SnailPie]

Please keep in mind that we have a staff here that won't tolerate members belittling each other.
Use the reporting function if you feel mistreated and we will do our best to rectify the situation.

Thanks. I certainly will do.

 

[Streetwise]

Hi Everyone!

I'll keep this brief if I can.

I came here to find some insight into dealing with My Beloved, whom I believe has undiagnosed AS. I was in a relationship with an NT man for 30 years, (married 25) and due to my AS I had no idea how much he was lying to me and cheating on me. I was devastated when I found out the true extent of his secret life and how much he put me at risk.

Now I am with my wonderful, talented, brilliant, caring Aspie fella, and we're like two peas in a pod. Except for some of his behaviors which--I believe--are more extreme than mine to the point where I am having difficulty understanding him.

We are having a lot of arguments where he just doesn't grasp my feelings, twists everything I say, and for my part I get completely unhinged. I honestly don't believe he's being malicious at all, but he's extremely...quirky. I do know he loves me and I think the sun rises and sets on him. But there is some basic disconnect there, even for us. We are dealing with a lot of external stressors and it's putting pressure on our lives individually and together. As a result, there are difficult conversations we MUST have and they just devolve into misunderstanding and miscommunication. It's driving both of us nuts.

I would do anything for this man, except continue to argue like this because it's effecting our well-being at this point.

I have mentioned his possible AS to him in the past, but he reacted by being very "insulted" that I said such an awful thing to him. (Ouch! He knows I have Aspergers, never been an issue, we get along great. OBVIOUSLY! )

So I don't think he's amenable to finding out more regarding himself. (Because, you know, he's 100% FINE, it's ME who has the problem, dontcha know?)
If I would "just do things his way" it would all be fine. OF course then I'D be miserable, so there we are.

I would write more, but I'm pretty wound down today from taking a beating from some traumatized NTs on another site, and I am hoping some of the NTs here would be a little kinder to me, since I have done nothing to anyone.
Apparently they believe that it's because I have AS, that the problems in my marriage were likely all due to my embodying all the terrible things that people believe we are; not due to the poor character, behavior, and entitlement of my spouse. I didn't take it personally, but it still stings a bit. So this is all I've got for now.

Cheers to all!

 

[SnailPie]

"Re your issue: somewhat hard to comment without more specifics re the issue of disagreement but is your SO unwilling to compromise? (You said all would be fine if you'd do things his way). I think it's pretty difficult to have a successful relationship if there is no compromise."

I totally agree that we need to compromise. I personally feel I bend over backwards to accommodate his sensory issues, personal habits, and general ways of looking at the world.
I try not to trigger him, but it's not easy. Just opening my mouth sometimes will set us up for a confusing discussion that could turn sour quickly. We can argue about ANYTHING. It starts as a discussion about an idea unrelated to us at all and BAM!

I don't believe he really knows how hard it is to navigate emotional issues with him sometimes when he is under stress.
I'm stressed too, and as such I need more emotional support in terms of physical touch, kind words, reassurance. (I don't doubt his commitment to me, but it's like eating. Just because you had a great meal a few days ago doesn't mean you're not hungry today.)

Asking for those things--because I don't expect him to read my mind--makes me come off needy and demanding when I'm actually quite independent and capable of hanging in there when times get tough.

When he is stressed, he wants more time alone and sex/affection go out the window.

If he never was affectionate and sexually passionate, I never would have fallen for him the way I did. But he was those things and more in our early days.

To have to ask for those things now makes me feel very hurt inside. I try to understand and not blame him for anything, but I still need those things from my sweetheart on a regular basis as relationship "Maintenance". (Geez, I sound like I'm NT, but I'm not. Same issues though, more or less.)

He likes things to be a certain way, for people to speak a certain way, act a certain way, and he has many MANY dislikes. Sometimes it's hard to find a place to compromise because of it. He believes most of us are wrong about what we think and feel so much of the time, mostly me.

The problem is, we live together and I represent HALF of the people/ideas/opinions in this relationship. So they can't be discounted in favor of his own. I'm willing to be represented at about 30%, but that's as low as I'll go. I need to have my needs met too, but it's sometimes very difficult for him to see my side of things.

Sorry--no sleep last night and I'm rambling at this point. I hope this makes sense.

I guess the question is: How can I better help us, by changing my behavior to help him see my point of view without stressing him further?

He is one of the smartest and kindest men I know, but he is often an enigma to me.

Thanks!

 

[Mia]

Don't know if this all applies to Aspies, but it might be a good idea to learn a little creative reasoning, even some logic for the purposes of argumentation.

Which is something I did as an aspie to be able to argue equitably with my aspie spouse. And there were many years of this. Perhaps, you should think about this as a way to learn about one another. It was a lot better, when I learned some of these fair fighting rules.

10 Rules for Friendly Fighting for Couples | Psych Central

 

[isthisreallife]

It's hard to say without a little more information. As you may have discovered in yourself, we're unyielding if we feel that we're 100% right about something, so there's that. However, we are able to look at things more objectively, and apply reason in discussions (arguments), it doesn't sound like your partner has that. I dunno, but I definitely agree that compromise has to happen here.

 

[LucyPurrs]

What if you had him read these posts? Especially your where you describe the issues with him being inflexible and your conflict about needing his support and affection but feeling too needy if asking for it?
Sometimes the written word will sink in where verbal statements won't. But you may have already tried this route. Mia's suggestion sounds good also.

 

[Tom]

Hi & Welcome,
Thats difficult. Its hard to get anywhere with someone too close minded.

 

[SnailPie]

"What if you had him read these posts?"
Hi LucyPurrs,

The experiences I've had with him so far lead me to believe he would never read them, and if he does, he wouldn't think it had anything to do with him or might be of help. He tends to keep his own counsel and is very skeptical about anything I suggest. He makes fun of "Psycho-Babble" and generally thinks he knows best.
If he could read with an open mind, looking for answers, I think it would be a great idea. Maybe at some point down the road when he is in less of a defense mode.

 

[SnailPie]

Hi & Welcome,
Thats difficult. Its hard to get anywhere with someone too close minded.

Well, THAT's an understatement! His mind is like a Bear Trap once he decides to shut it.
It's one thing we've talked about, and he found it hurtful when I once suggested that he at least "Try to consider this with an open mind." He thought that was an insult. It wasn't. It was a request.

But I don't want to give anyone the impression he is not a great guy and loving mate. It's just these particular behaviors/issues which keep causing problems. I am willing to do 100% on my part to meet him in the middle with some sort of compromise, but he needs to do some work too. I can't do it alone.

 

[SnailPie]

It's hard to say without a little more information. As you may have discovered in yourself, we're unyielding if we feel that we're 100% right about something, so there's that. However, we are able to look at things more objectively, and apply reason in discussions (arguments), it doesn't sound like your partner has that. I dunno, but I definitely agree that compromise has to happen here.

Oh my gosh, yes. Just last night we had a huge blow-up over exactly that. I was trying to explain something (my pesky point of view again!) and he completely misunderstood me, got angry about what he THOUGHT I meant, and the more I tried to explain that I was actually saying something else, the more frustrated and angry he got.

As an AS person myself, I am VERY careful with my words and try to watch my tone and body language to be non-threatening. But it's like what I say to him goes into his head and the blender turns on, garbling up everything I say, and to him it looks like I'm being mean and critical and threatening, when I'm just trying to explain something and get information. /

At the end, I feel like my head has been in a blender because nothing makes any sense.


I hope someone here can shed some light on that--how/why he is getting the message so mixed up when I say in plain English, calmly, at a calm time, something that conflicts with his ideas? It's as though he thinks I'm this awful person for bringing it up...but we can't not talk about things.

I do experience a lot of the same thing if I am really feeling threatened and overwhelmed, but I don't think it's as dramatic. It's like he sees any disagreement/different viewpoint on his very person and he goes on the offensive.


I am reading more about "Defensive Mode" and I think that might explain a lot of it. He has said as much in the past. But our stressful circumstances mean we can't wait weeks/months for it to (hopefully) subside so we can discuss things more rationally.

I am aware that I am an over-talker when I get stressed (and an over-writer, can you tell?) and I know that trying to keep it brief and to-the-point is something I struggle with. I know that rambling on too long means he completely loses track of what I'm saying. That and not getting freaked out by his freakout are my main problems, and I am working on them.

That said, I do appreciate all of you who have chimed in here, and I hope to continue learning from you. Up until now, it's just been me trying to work things through and I can really benefit from the wisdom of others with Aspergers/ASD folks, particularly the guys in relationships with either NT women or Aspie women!

Thanks again!

-SnailPie