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I'm Sam, and I'm sick and tired of not connecting with people

Discussion in 'General Autism Discussion' started by Sam Wilson, Nov 10, 2019 at 7:36 PM.

  1. Sam Wilson

    Sam Wilson Member

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    I'm 25 I work in an office, and the title just about sums it up. I know I'm on the spectrum for as long as I can remember. I had social problems during my days in high school, which people close to me often describes as borderline sociopathic. Even though crowds and people were hard, I managed to make friends.

    Work on the other hand has been an entirely different beast, being in the office brings me stress, I close myself off with music, I use deflecting statements to shutdown unnecessary conversation, nothing I haven't done before at school.

    Months have turned into years and I'm a bit embarrassed to say that I've yet to make a single friend. I'm doing my best in trying to connect with people to an extent but it's really hard to connect if they're all 10 years older and have families.

    To be honest I don't know if I'm sabotaging myself here...because honestly I'm not looking to make friends. But social norms dictate we make friends at work to avoid being that 1 creepy guy nobody talks to. And I'm fine with that honestly, the thing that frustrates me is that people want me to be embarrassed of myself, they want me to feel that somethings wrong with me. I have my priorities, and I have my interest...they are perfectly balanced and if something that I'm indifferent for comes in and says that my way of doing things is wrong...I take it as offensive and to an extent hurtful.

    I don't want to be an island just like anyone else, but I accept myself and know myself and capabilities, I don't have time for people with different interest, I can't express concern for things I don't like, and heck I like to eat alone. I have friends who changed that but they're the remarkable exception, they KNOW me to a degree that I dont have to pretend that I'm not on the spectrum...unlike the "pretending" I do at work which honestly is super obvious. I would really like to talk and connect with people but I honestly want to do it with people I genuinely like.

    Does it hurt me when I'm often not included in my coworkers activities, well it varies. I've said NO to them thousands of times that I don't blame them from not trying anymore. But if a thing comes along, and I'm feeling a bit lonely...I kinda want to be asked to come along. I am to blame with things I can control and that's why I feel so conflicted...I want to join them I'm a joiner, but I honestly feel like I am not for them...especially if they found out that I'm on the spectrum.

    Does anyone else feel this way? It honestly feels good to vent.
     
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  2. Shenandoah

    Shenandoah Active Member

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    Hi Sam and welcome.
    I know how that feels without any doubt. You want to be connected but can't. Very little interest in what others are interested, just doesn't align. Most of the things people are talking about feel incredibly irrelevant. Politics, sports or whatever mind numbingly boring stuff people talk about. Weather. Yes, sure, let's complain incessantly about how cold it is in winter. It's winter for crying out loud, what do you expect.

    Nobody cares about your interest and how much work or time you put in to achieve your personal goals.
    So you start skipping things and before you know you don't exist. Apparently to be connected in the NT universe you need to do exactly the same things as others. Been there unfortunately and it sucks.
     
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  3. Ben Cousins

    Ben Cousins The original omnishambles V.I.P Member

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    When I was in the corporate (work-for-someone-else) world, I found the opposite. I found that people were quite interested in what I was doing.

    Now I work alone, so I don't have to worry, so much.
     
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  4. Sam Wilson

    Sam Wilson Member

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    Well this about sums it up,

    It sucks...but in reality I just kinda accept that since I know for a fact that I'm not gonna fit in. I'm writing about all this like I don't have a single friend, and in the contrary I have tons of friends they're not just work people.

    And I'm not really at liberty to say this since I know some people think this is what I think of them. But it stings knowing that people would rather have anyone else but you.
     
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  5. VAW

    VAW Member

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    Hi Sam, I feel that you are not alone in your situation, my son is the same way. He has never had a friend to hang out with, he wants to be with people sometimes but just can't quite do it. I think he feels the pull both ways and that is hard. Like he wants to have friends but doesn't know what to say and like you said he isn't interested in small talk or things they are, then again he would just rather do his own thing and be alone. I think people such as I don't really understand because in hanging out we may not be interested in some things our friends do, but we do it with them anyway to be part of the gang. My son on the other hand if he isn't interested in something he isn't going to go to just hang out. In the case of my son though he does have 2 brothers and 2 sisters who he can hang out with so he still gets out sometimes but don't really have to have so called friends. The older you get the more you don't really have friends to hang out with anymore anyway, they have families and most of my friends hang out with their kids or grandkids and don't have time really other than an occasional lunch together.
     
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  6. Freakunique

    Freakunique New Member

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    Hey Sam
    Can totally relate to you.
    I also work in an office and feel a bit isolated sometimes, have always found it hard to make friends.
    I also 'pretend', which is draining right?
    I think they all think of me as 'quirky' rather than knowing I'm on the spectrum.
    Hang in there, I know it's not easy,just want you to know that you are not alone!
     
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  7. Sam Wilson

    Sam Wilson Member

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    It's the most tiring thing at work.

    The weights lifted on my shoulders whenever I get to be myself at home or with myself is a godsend.

    I've come pretty accustomed to not having friends at work, and I believe I am hanging on pretty well. It's the small things the chip away at me.

    The eyes I see looking back at me at the company bus, when I see that noone wants to sit next to me...My coworkers tiptoeing around details whenever they have plans so that they don't have to invite me...etc. I've never been great with people, and I honestly think my own actions prompted them to act this way around me. But it's alot more hurtful when its a bunch of people doing it to me, as opposed to me doing it to them.

    I'm a bad liar, my body is a bad liar, I can't feign interest like others can, or show a fake smile, or even show compassion or concern when I'm not really feeling it. I want to tell people as I known telling them will make everything easier. But at the same time I know that I just can' tell anybody...for fear of how they'd view me.

    Thanks for the words.