I'm over it and I can't decide whether that's a good thing

[jleeb05]

This is difficult to explain but as an introvert and someone on the spectrum, I consider myself a social person. I've always craved connection and close relationships. One or two clinicians have suggested that this was a special interest of mine. I think about it all the time. I've often thought that feeling some emotion, even a negative emotion, was a clear sign that I cared about something or someone.

Recently, I've not been feeling much of anything for anyone (except perhaps my close family and pets). I've posted about my disappointment with my friends recently but I'm not even sure I care anymore. If they talk to me, blah. If they ignore me, blah. I'm just over it and over them. I can barely bring myself to respond to their messages. I don't know if this is a good thing (I'm not worrying as much about others' actions/opinions) or a bad thing (I've given up, isolating myself, depressed, etc).

I'm curious as to what others experience. Do you care too much, too little, or the right amount about others? What does it mean to you when you feel nothing about someone or something? Is this a warning sign or a sign of growth?

 

[LadyS]

Introvert too and I've found myself in continuous cycles of caring too much and then a sort of burning out and then caring very little. Lately I've been feeling the same as you. I think some say if you stop caring then it's time to move on without them, but with me I've found that it's just a time to step back and take some "me" time and reset.

I've found that I often burn myself caring too much which leaves me feeling empty. Emptying your cup too fast can often do that. Time for a refill.

 

[VictorR]

I usually talk too much too soon and scare people off LOL.

The friends I have are pretty good - if they don't hear from me in a while they'll check in. And I kind of go in cycles - I might talk to someone a fair bit in a while, then someone else. I hope I don't wear anyone out.

 

[SusanLR]

If it isn't bothering you that you feel this way, I don't see that it hurts.
If it is bothering you and you feel depressed or of low self esteem and lonely, then yes, something
has changed inside your mind and emotions.
Taking some ME time to mindfully understand why the change could be a good idea or talking it out with a
therapist might be helpful.
Just don't keep falling down into the pits without help if you don't feel good about yourself since
the change.

Usually if you never were concerned about being social and having friends it is just your way.
Something usually triggers a withdrawel and lack of caring when it comes later in life.
Perhaps give a good honest contemplation of what might have been going on in your life
when you started this no connection feeling.

As far as what I have always felt was no desire or concern for being social or having friends.
My immediate family and pets kept me content.
But, then I was that way from birth and didn't learn until in my mid 50's when I was diagnosed
that I was a combo of ASD and Schizoid. Guess that explained it.
But, now I have no family and can't have pets where I rent, so I do feel lonely.
Still am unable to bond with others though, regardless.

 

[Thinx]

I am not all that feelingsy. Except as you say, for one or 2 close family members and my partner and cat, nope. However I do care about people and am socially aware, and when I spend time with others I do get interested in them and their lives, and enjoy helping others where possible.

I come out as INTP on Myers Briggs personality indicator, where Thinking is juxtaposed with Feeling. Over my lifetime, my thinking has strengthened and developed and been quite a supportive factor in lessening depressive feelings or anxieties so I am fairly positive and calm in my outlook.

Other people? I have had times when I have felt I had some good friends. Usually one or two, and usually they have helped connect me to activities or others in some ways. I have in the past invested a lot of energy in trying to be connected. When I leave a job or move away I tend to lose those connections.

 

[SimonSays]

One or two clinicians have suggested that this was a special interest of mine.

I can definitely relate to this as I think it may apply to me too. But I've never had it said like this and it actually makes a lot of sense.

I remember how intense it can feel when interacting with people, and how much I crave connection and relationship. The paradox is how quickly I lose interest, making it seem like it was a special interest after all. It would explain a few things if this was so. I don't know if this makes it easier or harder, craving something that very quickly becomes something that needs to be released?

It's been such a long time since I've had those kind of connections that it seems like the craving has subsided. It may be only dormant of course simply because so much time has passed. There is no point in craving something I can't have as that only leads to suffering. And if that craving is a result of special interest, then in a way it's not fair on the other person.

I am okay with accepting I'm no longer interested in someone else. Letting them go or accepting it just happens as time goes on. So many people have come and gone from my life that it just seems normal, even if solitude is a bit lonely at times, it does seem to work better for me.

 

[Suzette]

I agree with @LadyS , burnout is a real possibility. Feeling nothing, to me, is a sure indicator of burn out. Your emotional reserves have run dry.

I don't think this is about others at all. I think you are in need of some self care and "tending your own garden".

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I've always been an "out-of-sight, out-of-mind" kind of person. Other than, as you say,...wife and pets. It's not that I don't have people I like,...I do,...but I don't have that "thing" or that hormonal response to people that makes me want to think about them, call them up, invite them over, go out after work,...whatever. It takes me a long, long, long time to create a bond with anyone,...and after a few weeks of not seeing them,...it could be totally gone. No guilt,...no feelings at all. However, it can be years later, I will see them and pick up the relationship like there was no time missing at all. I realize relationships are a two-way street, and it is for me if I am in constant contact with them,...but as soon as I have some time away,...it vaporizes into thin air.

 

[SimonSays]

However, it can be years later, I will see them and pick up the relationship like there was no time missing at all. I realize relationships are a two-way street, and it is for me if I am in constant contact with them,...but as soon as I have some time away,...it vaporizes into thin air.

It has been like this for me too. Much time can go by without contact and yet the feeling that created connection can re-establish itself almost instantly as if no time has passed at all.

And yet because time has passed, things may have changed that become obvious fairly quickly, so that if soon afterwards we slip back into no contact again, then that is what needs to happen.

It has also happened that someone from my past comes back into my present unexpectedly, and there is no connection at all, as we have both changed so much that it is like meeting a stranger who just resembles someone I used to know.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Living in the country with distant neighbors I get plenty of alone time. Not bothered by it, but I look forward to seeing acquaintences in the bike, canoe, and ski clubs. Most of the time they boost my spirits. Close friends I see probably once a month and I enjoy their companionship. I am planning to have them over for Xmas or New Years.

 

[Aspychata]

I just have a few really close people that l like. That's it. I don't friend search or search for male companionship. The same people l like , we stick it out. Not a serial dater either. Just not interested in meeting you or them. I find social contacts take too much time that l am unwilling to give up. As l aged, l need more alone time and not the uncertainty of a complete stranger. Plus ptsd means l don't have the patience to meet anyone either. My little bubble is perfect. Just want the familiar people l know around me.

 

[Suzette]

@jleeb05, in another post you talked about having considered being a social worker and you presently represent children going through foster care and other issues if I recall correctly. You are certainly one of the first to offer validation and empathy on sensitive threads. In my mind you have a huge heart. Ginormous in fact.

Now I am not sure I can do the following ideas justice. I might fail. But I think you can feel what my intentions are so I will try.

The really weird thing about love is the best of love comes from what you give, not from what you think you receive. In fact, this goes hand in hand with forgivness. You would be more bereft if you were not sharing love liberally.

We all crave validation and a knowledge that our being matters to others. The weirdness is most of us never really get it. Even those of us with loving partners receive far less validation than we want most of the time. Our partners are too busy, temporarily self absorbed or simply focused on other things. Friendships are often much the same. These relationships are shaded by variations on social contracts that, more often than not, have conditions few are even capable of fulfilling. We humans have more idealisim than skill.

To further complicate my comments, when we do recieve vatidation we often don't believe it. We are all too aware of the idealisim of those social contracts we can not fulfill and wonder if others actually see through us as, perhaps, see through them.

Maybe you need a break and more self care and maybe you need more grateful friends, I really don't know. But your heart is as big and giving as they come and I hope you get lots of opportunites to share it.

 

[Aspychata]

I agree with Ms @Suzette
I love to shower one l know with fun because he can get so serious, (very busy person). And when he lightens up, lots of good times like when we biked for breakfast, or went shopping together.

I strive to be myself, which is typically very easy going unless l have some dilemma that l am trying to resolve. Validation is hit or miss. But l do ask for it more these days so l must be finding myself as a valuable person finally.☺

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I enjoy reading your responses, @Suzette and @Aspychata . I miss the spontaneity of bicycling to things, as where I live everything is so far apart and bike trips require thought and sometimes planning. When I was living N of Chicago I loved early morning rides on the Des Plaines trail to Walker Brothers Pancake House for their spinach crepes. But now, if the morning is nice, and since I am up far earlier than my spouse, I will take my little sportscar out to a local bakery for pastries and return for breakfast in bed with her.

I understand the desire for validation, and that is the crux of some of my issues. During my loneliest, and even as I thought I was working to be a responsible and valued person, I never saw that validated. That experience still resonates emotionally. I am slowly learning that it was also about my perceptions. So, as a result I let my friends and close acquaintences know they are valued.

 

[Jordy]

I enjoy reading your responses, @Suzette and @Aspychata . I miss the spontaneity of bicycling to things, as where I live everything is so far apart and bike trips require thought and sometimes planning. When I was living N of Chicago I loved early morning rides on the Des Plaines trail to Walker Brothers Pancake House for their spinach crepes. But now, if the morning is nice, and since I am up far earlier than my spouse, I will take my little sportscar out to a local bakery for pastries and return for breakfast in bed with her.
.

As pathetic as it sounds i have developed to much anxiety to enjoy riding my bicycle outside, i life in a bad neighborhood and it doesn't help. I have actually only had a couple of mildly bad experiences but my autistic mind doesn't let go of them.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

As pathetic as it sounds i have developed to much anxiety to enjoy riding my bicycle outside, i life in a bad neighborhood and it doesn't help. I have actually only had a couple of mildly bad experiences but my autistic mind doesn't let go of them.

I understand all too well. My perceptions tend to blow the negative all out of proportion and that is why, when I was younger, saw rejection everywhere. Little did I realize that I was crippling myself. It is a very hard thing to understand that I was the author of my own misery. My task is to forgive myself instead of hating myself for what is in the past.

 

[jleeb05]

@Neonatal RRT @SimonSays I definitely related to having friendships that aren't negatively impacted by time or distance. I haven't had many close friends and unfortunately, many of them are far away from me. One of my closest friends moved to Australia in 2015. I was hoping to visit in 2020 or 2021 until COVID struck. Still, I know that whenever I do make it over there or vice versa, it's not going to feel like he's someone I've barely spoken to in 6+ years. I'm sure we'll pick up right where we left off.

 

[jleeb05]

@Suzette I really appreciate you. Everything you said was so kind and thoughtful. It takes a lot to get me teary-eyed but you got me! I am also really thankful for everything that has been shared so far. It makes me feel less alone in my aloneness, so to speak.

I guess it may be burnout. I hadn't necessarily related my declining interest in my friends/social life to my job as you mentioned Suzette but I think you may actually be on to something. You're right, I do emotionally intense work...both the child welfare and sexual misconduct/harassment/discrimination investigations. It's been a particularly busy time in both jobs and I can imagine how dealing with such emotionally taxing matters on a daily basis could deplete one's emotional reserves.

The really weird thing about love is the best of love comes from what you give, not from what you think you receive.

This is very true. In college, one of my friends suggested that I could not be in love with one of our mutual friends because it was unrequited. I told her that love is not so selfish that it has to be received, in order to be given. That's the triumph and tragedy of it all. I've always wanted relationships/friendships that were balanced and they often aren't. I still hold out hope that I'll find something close to balance, even 55-45 but as the song lyrics go, "When a heart breaks it don't break even."

I guess I'm burnt out from work and burnt out with these uneven friendships. It's not unusual that I have a strong romantic interest in someone that just disappears. I just really hadn't had this same experience with my friends. Suddenly feeling limited emotion/interest in them almost felt like I was missing one of my senses, but perhaps, as many of you mentioned, this is just an indication that I need to practice self-care and not a reason to be alarmed.

 

[jleeb05]

I can definitely relate to this as I think it may apply to me too. But I've never had it said like this and it actually makes a lot of sense.

I remember how intense it can feel when interacting with people, and how much I crave connection and relationship. The paradox is how quickly I lose interest, making it seem like it was a special interest after all. It would explain a few things if this was so. I don't know if this makes it easier or harder, craving something that very quickly becomes something that needs to be released?

Yes, it's interesting. I would love to learn more about this topic. Working with my therapist, we had figured out that there was something more at play than me simply wanting relationships/close friendships. I passed on many of the opportunities I did have yet would fixate on others. Clearly, there was an X factor beyond attractiveness/personality, etc. It was only during the process of seeking a formal diagnosis that two clinicians connected this "X factor" to the concept of "special interests."

 

[Thinx]

I am not sure about describing a relationship or friendships as 'special interests'. I do think there can be somethings that happen for me that's maybe a bit different from the norm in the process of bonding or relating, but calling it a 'special interest' sounds reductive, pulling away the genuineness of my feelings, I'm uncomfortable with that idea. I wonder if what I often have is an ability to analyse my processes, including those involving feelings, that can seem clinical to others?

As a therapist, my experience of therapists and counsellors is that they may often reify emotions and emoting and be quite feelingsy themselves. They can be keen to help me 'let go' of thinking so that I can feel more. But I often don't think they have understood at depth.

Over the years I definitely recognised a way I had of investing a lot of specialness in certain individuals, that seems most like, hero worship. I didn't necessarily love the person, though a couple of times I did. But I felt strongly they were good people, admirable. They were always people I saw regularly and got to know a bit, usually in work or learning contexts. It doesn’t happen so much now maybe because I actualized my own career goals? I became them?

It can still happen though, occasionally. Conversely there are others I like and have had enduring work relationships and friendships with, for whom I retain reservations, elements of their behaviours are poor or disappointing, seems I can't fit them into my heroic model maybe?

Having different processes doesn't mean we are lesser or somehow robotic. Maybe those clinicians are just grasping at a stereotype. One of the modalities I learnt and valued as a therapist was Systemic Therapy approaches, in itself a wide field, but a tenet was, that we often may try to close down the other by 'having an answer' that 'fits'. As a therapist, what if I don't try to find a 'solution'? What if I just keep trying to ask useful questions? That's how discoveries are made, rather than shutting down the journey with a label that we think might fit.