baker0806
Zadie
I am the survivor of self-inflicted mental pain that is truly unbelievable. They say people with autism have a diminished “sense of self.” I can behave pretty normally and appear to be cordial, friendly, and even outgoing. But no matter how long I look in the mirror and tell myself that I’m beautiful, funny, and worth it; I can’t seem to achieve ownership of these things.
In elementary and part of middle school, I was a superstar kid and could do no wrong, as far as my parents and teachers were concerned. I think I was the most well-behaved kid anyone had ever seen. I worked very hard to keep this status quo afloat.
I was wracked by insecurity and envy of what came very easily to others in middle school. People were beginning to flirt with each other, and it was devastating to watch. I coped with this by becoming aloof and detached from sexuality. I believe this coping strategy manifested itself because I felt so profoundly older than everyone around me. I wanted people to like me for my eccentric manner and love of geography. I thought they would just come to me. It didn’t work out that way at all.
In middle school I began developing all-consuming obsessions with people, and I still struggle mightily with this today. They are very embarrassing to discuss. These obsessions were not necessarily romantic. I had a female Social Studies teacher who was very charming and funny, and had this irresistible, raspy voice. After I got over her, I became obsessed with a guy who did frequently approach me and talk to me. He actually indulged my interests! But he had other friends that he hung out with as much as or more than he did with me. This slayed me. I wanted him, and him only.
Before eighth grade, I dropped out of normal school. My brother was a serious theater kid, and to do theater, he had to be homeschooled. I remember the day I decided I wanted to be homeschooled too. I rationalized that staying in my school environment would create even more envy, obsession, and heartache. There were no real or lasting friendships to be had. This decision was the worst decision I’ve ever made, and has caused social damage that, at 23, I’m still feeling the effects of.
I spent the next five years in a social coma. I swam with the high school swim team but didn’t actually attend the local high school. I was embarrassed to tell people that I was homeschooled and had no friends, so I did a lot of artful dodging and lying to make my life sound a little less sad. Acquaintances and friends from my past couldn’t make sense of me. I developed an eating disorder and gained 60 pounds. People didn’t see great things in me anymore, and that’s because I didn’t let them.
After doing eating disorder therapy and barely graduating high school, I moved with my brother to California. Not long after arriving, I became involved romantically with a much older man. I recently ended this relationship, and am still processing the effect it has had on my life. It has been profound, to say the very least.
I’ve attended some in-person Asperger’s meetups in my area, but would like to become a part of a larger community…find some people who can relate to the circumstances of my life. Maybe even find a few friends.
Thank you!
In elementary and part of middle school, I was a superstar kid and could do no wrong, as far as my parents and teachers were concerned. I think I was the most well-behaved kid anyone had ever seen. I worked very hard to keep this status quo afloat.
I was wracked by insecurity and envy of what came very easily to others in middle school. People were beginning to flirt with each other, and it was devastating to watch. I coped with this by becoming aloof and detached from sexuality. I believe this coping strategy manifested itself because I felt so profoundly older than everyone around me. I wanted people to like me for my eccentric manner and love of geography. I thought they would just come to me. It didn’t work out that way at all.
In middle school I began developing all-consuming obsessions with people, and I still struggle mightily with this today. They are very embarrassing to discuss. These obsessions were not necessarily romantic. I had a female Social Studies teacher who was very charming and funny, and had this irresistible, raspy voice. After I got over her, I became obsessed with a guy who did frequently approach me and talk to me. He actually indulged my interests! But he had other friends that he hung out with as much as or more than he did with me. This slayed me. I wanted him, and him only.
Before eighth grade, I dropped out of normal school. My brother was a serious theater kid, and to do theater, he had to be homeschooled. I remember the day I decided I wanted to be homeschooled too. I rationalized that staying in my school environment would create even more envy, obsession, and heartache. There were no real or lasting friendships to be had. This decision was the worst decision I’ve ever made, and has caused social damage that, at 23, I’m still feeling the effects of.
I spent the next five years in a social coma. I swam with the high school swim team but didn’t actually attend the local high school. I was embarrassed to tell people that I was homeschooled and had no friends, so I did a lot of artful dodging and lying to make my life sound a little less sad. Acquaintances and friends from my past couldn’t make sense of me. I developed an eating disorder and gained 60 pounds. People didn’t see great things in me anymore, and that’s because I didn’t let them.
After doing eating disorder therapy and barely graduating high school, I moved with my brother to California. Not long after arriving, I became involved romantically with a much older man. I recently ended this relationship, and am still processing the effect it has had on my life. It has been profound, to say the very least.
I’ve attended some in-person Asperger’s meetups in my area, but would like to become a part of a larger community…find some people who can relate to the circumstances of my life. Maybe even find a few friends.
Thank you!
