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I'm helping too much?

Discussion in 'General Autism Discussion' started by William Weiler, Jan 25, 2021.

  1. William Weiler

    William Weiler Ad Astra V.I.P Member

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    I bought a weighted blanket. I figured it was a waste of money and I would have regret it. But I kind of like it. I read it is like a hug and now I know it loves me.

    I piled it on my son yesterday and he yelled to stop. I asked what was wrong. And he said stop helping him. (he thinks I am helping him too much?). I told him the truth, I am not trying to help him, I am trying to crush him. He said okay.

    Am I annoying people by helping too much? Is it definitely believable.
     
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  2. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member

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    Good question. Rather than attempt to objectively answer your question, why not simply consider guidelines regarding any question of potential "helicopter parenting" ?

    What Is Helicopter Parenting?
     
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  3. William Weiler

    William Weiler Ad Astra V.I.P Member

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    This is so weird. I read the article. It is true but the opposite. I encourage him to takes risks and be independent. Other parents freak out and take their kids of the internet. I educate him on each possible encounter with trolls and the actions to take. Basic security. (I can't watch him 24/7. He goes to school. Why do parents think they can protect their kids, when they have teach them to protect themselves? Just rely on her teacher? You are literally scaring me. There is not much she could do anyway.). He knows what a pedophile is, just not the birds and bees part. He is lectured on swearing by his Mom, and then stubs her toe and drops a bunch of f-bombs. She thinks he doesn't notice. There are people good at parenting, but they are not common. Everyone else is winging on emotion. When you are scared, take him off the internet. Nothing actually happened, someone said something that scared them. Not effective.
     
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  4. Fino

    Fino Alex V.I.P Member

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    Is he a teenager? Because that's part of their script.
     
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  5. Thinx

    Thinx Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Have you had feedback that anyone else you help is annoyed you are helping?

    I know that I am quite independent and would usually rather muddle through than be 'helped' unless I request help. You are equipping your son to be independent, and he's maybe getting pretty good at that! But once he knew you were just playing at crushing him, he was ok with it.

    Not so long now till he'll be the one who's helping his old dad.... ;)
     
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  6. William Weiler

    William Weiler Ad Astra V.I.P Member

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    Thinx - unavoidable, already happening. Knows stuff I don't.
     
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  7. SusanLR

    SusanLR Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    His age can certainly make a difference.
    Puberty and teens often resent parents help and prefer to do it themselves because they don't want
    to feel "babied."

    I missed that era of life, myself. Didn't feel that way.
    I always liked to do things on my own unless I asked for help and still do.
    But, I also know when a random act of kindness is just that, caring kindness.
    That makes me feel loved (agape), which is much welcomed vs someone giving me the sensation
    of not being capable of doing something on my own.

    Helicopter parents are everywhere today. Dare not speak to a child or even look at them in
    admiration thinking they are cute. The parent will think you are a perve or ped.
    This type of parenting leads the child to think the parent will be there at their every whim.
    I observe human nature even though I don't interact.
     
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  8. Wolfgangus Faldestolius

    Wolfgangus Faldestolius Little notes from an armchair

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    I think that you used to project the image of helping too much, and that you are already adjusting nicely to being less intense.

    Similarly, in regard to your intermittent lateness issue you mentioned recently, you could give yourself a "rule" to only make an excuse every other time (giving others more chance to have their say if they are strongly moved - which they mightn't be). (And in parallel, figure out small ways of keeping life practical, e.g multi tasking).

    I've been through all the same issues, only without a family of my own { lonely sigh }.
     
  9. Exbrewer

    Exbrewer Member

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    Ah, yes - the theoretical ideal of parenting - gliding along by protecting, supporting, showing, teaching, testing and proving so that the child is ready to leave the nest, fully equipped to survive and prosper in the big wide world. Throw in an Aspie element, whether child, parent or both and the reality is very very different. When and how to help become tricky and difficult decisions. As a parent, I've found that rejection of help is definitely a sign to back off, assuming it's safe to do so. Beware of trying to help just to satisfy the parent's intrinsic need to help - I've found that out the hard way many times. Alternatively, waiting to be asked to help can be equally painful - watching a situation deteriorating in front of you knowing that you could help if only you were allowed to.

    How to find the middle ground? Written communication has worked best for us - listing a few options but always including a do nothing choice - to prompt a request for help. As with most things though, everyone's situation is different and all you can do is work out the best approach for you.
     
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