I'M DONE! Quitting my career of game development! + Child of Crystal CANCELLED!

[UberScout]

Maddog woke up this morning and I woke up at the same time he did. While sitting in my "spectator's chair" next to the computer like I always do, he asked what I was waiting for, and I just said I was waiting to play Minecraft. He said no, before eventually letting me on the computer just now.

This has been going on after weeks of not allowing me to do anything on the computer for literally no reason at all. I asked if I did something to be punished, he told me I haven't done anything. Then he made the comment that this was all that I cared about, I didn't care about anything or anybody else, all I studied was a computer.

This kind of vicious cycle has been going on for years, and today, I've had enough. Since everybody and their [expletive] mother thinks I'm a scraggly haired junkie, I'm permanently cancelling all projects I have saved on his computer, and I'm cancelling Child of Crystal, and any and all videos I currently have in production. I am also relinquishing my pursuit of the career of game developer since it requires me to always be in front of a screen, and looking for a different career.

Nobody understands me and they refuse to, and it's a losing battle to try to get them to understand. I'm DONE fighting. It's pointless.

Everybody's getting what they want.

 

[onlything]

Everybody but you.

At one point you will have your own room with your own computer. Game developing is difficult and competitive but if it's something you wish to pursue, is it worth giving up now? Whatever you do, there will always be people that are against it and that want you to do something else. But what do you want?

You don't have to make people understand. It's your life, not theirs.

 

[UberScout]

I already have my own room. But apparently having my own computer is the worst idea ever since the invention of guns.

I'm still done. I'm not changing my mind. It's not worth sitting in front of a screen collecting and analyzing game data to learn how it works just for somebody to tell me I care more about a computer than my friends or family.

If that was the case I wouldn't be living with my parents.

 

[Misery]

Onlything has a point.

Any game designer.... particularly indies... would tell you: You *need* to be able to have some degree of self-dependency to make a game. Period. AND your own machine. Trying to do development on someone else's machine is... well, let's just call it a big no-no. It's something you just dont do.



Aside from being incredibly difficult to do (and incredibly RISKY if done on a machine that is not genuinely and totally yours) there's the idea of dedication. If you cant manage to control other aspects of your life... if you cant stand up and TAKE control... you wont get anywhere in game development. That might sound harsh, but it's the absolute truth. I've said this before, and I"ll say it again: Development is *very* hard. Way, way harder than most people think it is. It might seem kinda easy when you're working on some little starter project in order to learn. But if you want to make something others will actually play? If you want to actually FINISH a project? It's gonna take way more than that. It's likely to be one of the most difficult things you've ever had to do.

I see one story after another from you, and this "Maddog" guy always seems to be at the center of it. Isnt it about time you stood up to him? Or simply stepped away and out? It's YOUR life. You want out of that situation? FIND A WAY. Want the situation to simply take a different form? FIND A WAY. I guarantee you, there is one. There always is. But whether we see the opportunities that come our way for what they are is entirely up to us. And this is actually something that ALOT of people on the spectrum are incredibly terrible at, is spotting those opportunities. They often sail by us, with us never taking note, and then outright refusing the possibility that they existed at all. Note though that I dont mean "get violent" with any of this. There are many, MANY other ways to get/take/steal control that dont require even the tiniest bit of that. Again though, it's up to you to spot it. And up to you to then DO it.

Others on this very forum have done it, have gotten out of where they started, and out to where THEY wanted to go... you can do it too. Oh, it wont be easy. No sir. But you can do it.

If you dont give in, that is.


On a side note: Sitting in front of a computer alot does NOT mean you care more about it than your friends or family. Frankly if someone said that to me, and actually MEANT it in the vicious way that it's being told to you, I'd.... well... get "unpleasant" about it. They wouldnt say it a SECOND time, that's for sure. And I promise you, I'm in front of these accursed machines far more than you are. Yet I still know what's truly important, and what isnt. Just like you clearly do.

People say that to you not because they actually think that... but because they want something from you. Either they want you to do things for them that they could just bloody well do themselves, or... as it sounds like it is in this case... they simply want to be in control. There was someone I saw on Youtube that said it best: "Society has a problem with video games not because they actually believe they are violent or bad, but because they feel ENTITLED to your "lost productivity"

Keep that in mind, as it is a very good... and very TRUE... quote. Note also that society has a warped (bloody stupid) idea of what "productity" means. To society, making a video game product is not productive (even if it sells well, and makes people's days that much better as a result of playing it), but standing in one spot at Walmart going "Hello" for 30 hours like a scarecrow with a speaker shoved up it's butt somehow is productive. Keep THAT in mind too.

Anyway, that's enough outta me. We here can offer advice and moral support. You can tell us your stories, and we can respond to you. But only YOU can make the changes happen. They aint gonna happen on their own.

 

[Judge]

No need to give up your dreams. Though you may have to put them on hold for a bit. Having to deal with the reality that software development requires such long hours on a computer that it's impractical to do so at a communal workstation where you are competing with others for time on the same computer.

Under such circumstances, you really can't expect others who want to use the same computer to be particularly sympathetic towards your computer use, even if you are trying to make a career out of it. Compounded by those around you who seem to take a dim view of game development for whatever reason.

This situation may set you back for the timed being, but it's YOUR dream and not theirs. Don't let them take that dream away for you. Work on figuring out how to get your own computer to continue that dream.

 

[Sherlock77]

I sometimes feel the same way with my photography (although I'm not doing it professionally).

The way I do my photography doesn't tend to hit the most popular genres and styles, thus I don't get a lot of attention for what I do, even as an amateur hobbyist.

I struggle with that, yet I also know what I enjoy photographing, much of life seems like a popularity game, yet it takes a strong person to stick to their guns. I could change my photography to be more people pleasing and popular but I don't plan to.

I am my own unique person.

 

[Catticus]

Sorry, I can't say it better then what already was said. I would ask if you have an independent income? a way to get a computer for yourself is to set aside a bit of money each time until you have enough for a decent Personal computer. If this won't work for you then I would suggest buying a part at a time starting off with a case, then motherboard, CPU, memory, Video card, hard drives, a burner, then keyboard and mouse. This would guarantee you what you want in a build. The other option is to buy an already built one and upgrade as you can. Just remember putting a PC together is not that hard, anyone can do it once they understand what goes where and how. There are easy tutorials on the web. Please note this is just some suggestions, it is your decision on what you want to do.

 

[UberScout]

I'm not quitting because it's too much to handle. I'm quitting because everyone i've ever known perceives my extended computer usage, which is purely for data analyzation and coding practice and not much else, as the indulgence of a severely addicted man who puts screens before his family and friends. Since no one is willing to change their conception of this, no matter what i say or do, I've just decided it's a losing battle not worth fighting.

I'm sorry, but if me spending extra time producing a game environment or my own game engine with Python's Turtle library is enough to start World War 19, then being potentially disowned over it is not worth it.

Development of everything by me is permanently halted. Period.

 

[Catticus]

it is your choice what You do. I understand the hardship of what you are going through, really. I am a programmer through education. When I graduated with my degrees my family told me to stop and get a real job, to stop playing with toys, to grow up. You are the captain of your ship, you decide what future path you want to walk down. I will not tell you what to do, all I did was put forth some information for you. It is your choice to do what you want with it.

 

[AloneNotLonely]

So you care more about what some dude named Maddog thinks than you do about your own future?

Ok.

 

[Wolfnox]

Think on it awhile. Schedule your times and do other things. Maybe spend time with family. To show them your not the addict they think you are. And dont give up doing what you love. You got prove to yourself and them. You weren't wasting your time on the computer.

 

[Tom]

If you have a dog that talks, I'd say look no further. Start with the Morning shows and then make the rounds of Late night TV. Finally, hold out for the best offer for your own Saturday morning show. I can see it now... 'Uber Scout and Maddog's Wacky Adventures, only on the Disney Channel'. Well make that 'Maddog and Uber Scout's...' And don't forget the tie-ins and merchandising. Power Drink commercials, Happy Meal Toys, and hey... maybe even a video game. Now that I think about it, you'd better start first by getting an agent.

 

[Misery]

I'm not quitting because it's too much to handle. I'm quitting because everyone i've ever known perceives my extended computer usage, which is purely for data analyzation and coding practice and not much else, as the indulgence of a severely addicted man who puts screens before his family and friends. Since no one is willing to change their conception of this, no matter what i say or do, I've just decided it's a losing battle not worth fighting.

I'm sorry, but if me spending extra time producing a game environment or my own game engine with Python's Turtle library is enough to start World War 19, then being potentially disowned over it is not worth it.

Development of everything by me is permanently halted. Period.

Dude, it's not just about development.

Going along with what I said earlier:

If you EVER want to get where you want to go, regardless of whether it's game development or some other career/place/thing/idea/whatever... at some point, you *will* have to stand up to that guy or simply walk away and not look back. It's not a "maybe", not a "choice". It's more like "utterly unavoidable". Someone like that.... he's gonna try to control you no matter WHAT you do. Get a new, quiet hobby, dont spend much time on it? It'll be BAD to him. Go out, do volunteer work one hour a day? He'll try to knock you around for it anyway. Choose something SPECIFICALLY to please him? Prepare to get yelled at. If he is really the kind of person that you have described to us in painstaking detail MANY times now, it wont matter WHAT your interests in.... and it never did, because it was never ABOUT those interests. He's doing it BECAUSE HE CAN. In other words: He's a very traditional bully. People like him do that sort of crap... until you put a stop to it. Until you stand up and say "I've had enough" or "I'm out of here". Until that point, World War 19 rages ever forward. From your stories, it started a LONG time ago and never let up.

It's not just about game development, and never was. It's about far, far more than that. And like I said above: Until you stand up to this Maddog dude... it'll never stop. It's just what that sort of person is like. Speaking from.... way too much experience here. Way, way too much.

I'm going to quote something I said earlier:

"Others on this very forum have done it, have gotten out of where they started, and out to where THEY wanted to go... you can do it too. Oh, it wont be easy. No sir. But you can do it.

If you dont give in, that is."

However, if you DO just give in... as he's probably expecting you to... then you've already lost, and are likely to stay on this path for a long time. Why give him that, when you could work to steal victory away from such a villain?

 

[UberScout]

My stepfather is not a villain! He is simply an authority figure that has creative ways of using discipline. Sure, I may not agree with it sometimes, but that doesn't mean he's evil!

I might resume development one of these days, but for now, it's too much of a war. He's already said it's either me or his computer who goes, and here's the problem with that:

If I'm the one who goes, I am methodically screwed as I will have nowhere to stay and no way to survive. I will essentially die under a gray sky and leaves.

If the computer is the one that goes, he's going to blame me for the outlandish decision and accuse me every day of being the cause of it going, making me guilty.

The best thing I can do is just stay away from it as much as I can. Yet the even stranger part is that right after we've fought about it, five minutes later he turns around and kindly, yes kindly, as in a positive attitude, gives me permission to use it and has no qualm with it all of a sudden.

I STILL don't understand schizo-affectiveness. (the doctor's diagnosis, not mine)

 

[UberScout]

If you have a dog that talks, I'd say look no further. Start with the Morning shows and then make the rounds of Late night TV. Finally, hold out for the best offer for your own Saturday morning show. I can see it now... 'Uber Scout and Maddog's Wacky Adventures, only on the Disney Channel'. Well make that 'Maddog and Uber Scout's...' And don't forget the tie-ins and merchandising. Power Drink commercials, Happy Meal Toys, and hey... maybe even a video game. Now that I think about it, you'd better start first by getting an agent.

JUST
JUST WHAT?

 

[Misery]

My stepfather is not a villain! He is simply an authority figure that has creative ways of using discipline. Sure, I may not agree with it sometimes, but that doesn't mean he's evil!

I might resume development one of these days, but for now, it's too much of a war. He's already said it's either me or his computer who goes, and here's the problem with that:

If I'm the one who goes, I am methodically screwed as I will have nowhere to stay and no way to survive. I will essentially die under a gray sky and leaves.

If the computer is the one that goes, he's going to blame me for the outlandish decision and accuse me every day of being the cause of it going, making me guilty.

The best thing I can do is just stay away from it as much as I can. Yet the even stranger part is that right after we've fought about it, five minutes later he turns around and kindly, yes kindly, as in a positive attitude, gives me permission to use it and has no qualm with it all of a sudden.

I STILL don't understand schizo-affectiveness. (the doctor's diagnosis, not mine)

As a disclaimer: The word "villain", when used by me, does not inherently mean "evil". When I say it, it means "opposing force". I'm a long-time gamer and an avid reader: I'm used to opposing characters or "villains" that arent ACTUALLY evil, heck in many cases arent even truly in the wrong at all, and so I'll tend to use the term in that sort of way. If I actually mean "genuinely evil" I will actually add that word to it. Hell, I've applied the word "villain" to this bloody computer of mine when it's being a snot, and I know it sure as hell isnt evil. Irritating as hell, this blasted thing, but not evil.


I had someone just like him in my life, which is why I'm even commenting on this at all. Because I know what it's like. In my case though, the cycle was shattered at a certain point.

But it wouldnt have happened if I didnt take a stand during a period when the negative behavior was at it's peak. And THAT is the core of the point I'm trying to make. You'll always face opposition in your life. The actions of this Maddog when he's in that negative state are but one incarnation of the concept. If you simply remain passive and allow it to keep happening (whatever "it" happens to be at the time, could be absolutely anything)... you'll always be on the losing side of the fight.

I'm not saying you should go in there right now and scream at the guy. "Taking a stand" can sometimes mean a direct clash, this is true, but sometimes it could even mean "making preparations to move out" or something like that. There are many forms, many courses of action. All sorts of things that can be done to work towards a solution. But simply being passive all the time, simply saying "I cant win" or "I gotta just sit back and hope it passes" is the first step towards utter failure. Indeed, if you think you cannot do something... then you probably cannot. It took me a long, long time to learn that lesson the hard way, and it's probably the piece of advice that I repeat the most often on this forum and other places because it's bloody important.

It's at least something to think about for the future. Good luck to you in any case.

 

[UberScout]

FOR THE LAST MOTHER LOVING TIME, I CANNOT FREAKING MOVE OUT BECAUSE I'M NOT EQUIPPED FOR IT! I *JUST* SAID THIS IN MY MOST PREVIOUS POST!!

CAN ANY OF YOU PEOPLE READ?!!

 

[onlything]

People are trying to help you find a solution to your problem. Insulting them will only cause them the withdraw their support next time. You can't move out due to your reason, understood. No need for shouting.

Some other solution would be to find some odds jobs or maybe even a part-time one. This way you will show your stepfather that you're a responsible person with a goal, as well as earn money to potentially buy your own computer or at least a tablet.

By the way. Next time if you wish only to rant instead of discussing your situation with others, just write in the Ranting Room of the General section or on your own blog. When people see a thread they answer and since most of us are solution-oriented you will always receive more suggestions on how to improve your situation than typical emotional support.

 

[Judge]

I STILL don't understand schizo-affectiveness. (the doctor's diagnosis, not mine)

If you were diagnosed with Schizoaffective disorder, I can see how your physician and your parents might take a dim view of you spending the bulk of your time in front of a computer. That in their eyes time spent on the computer might be enabling your condition, relative to symptoms like manic and depressive behavior, and refraining from socialization. Worse if you're working to a point where you ignore health and hygiene issues.

It would definitely appear that you are "between a rock and a hard place". I get that. As one on the spectrum, I also can relate to being perceived as having "tunnel vision", and spending a great deal of time and effort narrowly focused on something. Especially that which might better our lives. Hell, it's who and what we are.

I'm afraid you appear to be caught in a sort of "neurological crossfire". Where your parents and possibly your doctor see your special interest as being problematic, while you see it as a road to salvation and gainful employment.

Under such circumstances, about all I can suggest is to work on some kind of plan to become an independent adult if possible. A tough proposition, if you are an adult dependent. In the meantime I suspect your parents want to see you divide your time and mitigate your interests contrary to your own will. A tall order for many of us.

Schizoaffective disorder - Symptoms and causes

 

[Catticus]

@UberScout

Take a deep breath. Count to 10 if you have to. There is a reason you came here looking for some help maybe or information. Take a chill pill for a minute. You gave us a summary of your situation, okay. Now in a calm posting please indicate what you would like to know.

If it is information you are seeking then you are not alone here, everyone here came for a reason. We are not mind readers, please tell us what you would like to know and maybe... someone here can help you.

Please remember that an Aspie is a person that takes things literally. The Judge posted a link to explain the disorder, take a look at it and see if it helps you some.