I'm autistic and very attracted to my team lead at work. Express myself or move on?

[CharlesNorris]

Hello everyone! I'm new here and haven't yet written a bio, so let me very briefly introduce myself. I am 30, male, and was diagnosed with ASD Level 1 with associated anxiety disorders last September (what a mind trip). I constantly encounter new obstacles to overcome as I learn more about myself and how to cope. Most recently, I've become very attracted to a woman at work, but there are issues that I have no clue how to deal with, which is why I'm here today.

There are so many details and I want to be very clear about the situation, so this is a long post. Maybe I should write a book.

I work in a very relaxed business-casual office environment. We are split up into teams, each with a team lead (TL). I was recently moved to a new team, and I realized right away that I'm extremely attracted to my new TL. Here are the most important details, as I see them:

1. I looked her up. Turns out she is in a relationship...
2. I'm 30, she is in her early 20s
3. She is my team lead
4. I'm autistic, but she already knows that
5. I am very physically attracted to her
6. I also find her other qualities attractive, e.g. her social confidence, her wittiness

I have only been in one romantic relationship in my life. It was great while it lasted, but we had our differences and went our separate ways. This tells me that I'm not incapable of having a meaningful relationship with someone. Since then, I have been mostly alone with very few friends or social interaction. Now maybe I am shallow, but I find that I am only attracted to women who are physically my "type." My TL fits ALL of my criteria, and then some. Being autistic with few social skills, I consider myself very lucky to have even met someone like her.

I have a great deal of anxiety, which makes my job very difficult to enjoy even though it is almost a perfect fit for someone like me. Since meeting her, everything has changed! I have a more positive outlook and I actually want to go to work. My anxiety has dropped significantly, and so my performance has improved. After years of deep depression and no work, I finally feel some hope for the future. These changes come from within, I suppose, but this woman is a huge external factor that I can't ignore.

Point number 1 above is probably the biggest problem. It wouldn't be appropriate to ask her out, even if I had the guts to do so. Point 2 is not a problem for me, but might be for her. I'm walking a fine line with point 3, especially since I don't want to risk getting moved to yet another team. My only interactions with her are ones she initiates because of her duties as my TL (although I did offer a nice compliment once, which she seemed very happy about).

So what should I do?? I think about her all the time. I desperately want to tell her how I feel, but I don't know if that is appropriate given the circumstances. My therapist suggested expressing gratitude about how she has already had such a positive influence on my life and let it go from there. This sounds wise to me, and I would like to do this, but I don't know how without coming across as "weird" or some other negative thing I haven't considered.

I'll be totally honest with myself and the world that even an expression of gratitude is not without some hidden agenda. I not-so-secretly hope that she will pick up on my affection, and slowly warm up to the idea of a friendship with me, and possibly more later if her current relationship doesn't work out. I hate myself for not being able to make a simple selfless act.

She seems like the type I could only find once in a lifetime, especially being autistic. I don't want to let her go, I don't want to wonder what if, and I especially don't want to miss the opportunity only to find out later that she actually had feelings for me too. But I also can't keep obsessing like this. I hardly even know her...

This is probably less an autism question than a common life issue, but I don't know where else to turn. If you made it this far, thank you, and thanks in advance for any advice you can offer to help me through this.

 

[Judge]

To seriously pine for someone in the hope their present relationship would fail just doesn't strike me as good mental health in general, regardless of any neurological considerations. Worse when this is a co-worker whose position appears technically to be above yours.

Emotionally "hovering" or even hitting on her could (from her perspective) compromise her to the point where she might react to this in a way you didn't see coming. (A similar thing happened to my own brother years ago. It cost him his job.)

Don't be chasing after "Jessie's Girl". Yes- move on.

 

[wyverary]

Points 1 and 3 make this pretty much a dealbreaker. It would be one thing if she were a peer. And the fact that she is already in a relationship, which you know about, would make it rather inappropriate to "make a move on her," if you will pardon the expression.

Attraction can be hard to get over, though. It's best if you intellectualize it as much as possible.

 

[midlife aspie]

Yes, move on. I don't know what your conversation skills are, but a little small talk or casual friendly conversation in a get to know her kind of way might shed light on what is not so obvious to observation, such as personality outside of work, career aspirations, continuing educational goals, preferred areas to reside in, theological beliefs, political leanings etc. All of these things can be probed through conversation without exposing yourself. Take what you learn and bounce that off of what you understand about yourself and you can get a sense of what a relationship between you might be like. It might bring you back down to earth.

 

[CharlesNorris]

To seriously pine for someone in the hope their present relationship would fail just doesn't strike me as good mental health in general, regardless of any neurological considerations.

I don't like thinking that I have poor mental health in general, but you are right. This is a good reality check for me.

I don't know what your conversation skills are, but a little small talk or casual friendly conversation in a get to know her kind of way might shed light on what is not so obvious to observation

Very very poor conversation skills. I appreciate the suggestion. That will be the beginning of a totally different topic, though. Right now, I can't handle such a thing.

Consider the issue closed. I will move on. It's the only reasonable thing to do. Thanks for your input, folks. I needed to be brought back down to earth.

EDIT: I think I expected these answers, but boy does it hurt to hit the ground... I'm crying at the moment, not just for having to let go, but for what may be deeper underlying issues. I truly am not well

 

[midlife aspie]

It won't be easy and you will likely never forget her, but we can help you enhance your conversation skills and confidence so when you do actually meet an available and suitable person, you will have a REAL chance!

 

[midlife aspie]

Please continue to visit and post here. We can help. If you are curious as to what a real relationship is like, I can help. After being with the same woman for nearly 20 years and married for 12 of them I can definitely tell you about ups and downs! So can any member here with LTR experience. Relationships are NOT the 'Promised Land' but they should not be a bucket full of tears either. When you can look in the mirror and see a guy with confidence and self worth staring back, who feels he is complete unto himself, you should be ready for a relationship. The terms I put in bold print are what will come to your aid when the inevitable rejections come along.

 

[CharlesNorris]

The pain of unrequited love cannot be adequately described unless on has experienced it. It takes time to overcome it; the most helpful thing is to find something or someone to fill the hole until the pain subsides.

I am very thankful to have plenty of good wholesome hobbies to focus on, and they are very satisfying. I can also put more effort into doing even better at my job, which I will make my first priority. I feel so fortunate to have a job with a fantastic company (seriously, these people are amazing, dedicated, a pleasure to work for, and supportive of me).

After some reflection today, I am ashamed about how I presented myself. But I am learning, and dearly hope to improve. I realized I haven't been completely honest with my therapist, so that's another step to take.

Relationships are NOT the 'Promised Land' but they should not be a bucket full of tears either. When you can look in the mirror and see a guy with confidence and self worth staring back, who feels he is complete unto himself, you should be ready for a relationship.

I hope to reach this point some day. It will take time.

Thanks again for all your input, everyone. I am glad I posted here, since I was on a very destructive path. I will definitely return to this forum in the future.

 

[NovaScotia Aspie]

Hello everyone! I'm new here and haven't yet written a bio, so let me very briefly introduce myself. I am 30, male, and was diagnosed with ASD Level 1 with associated anxiety disorders last September (what a mind trip). I constantly encounter new obstacles to overcome as I learn more about myself and how to cope. Most recently, I've become very attracted to a woman at work, but there are issues that I have no clue how to deal with, which is why I'm here today.

There are so many details and I want to be very clear about the situation, so this is a long post. Maybe I should write a book.

I work in a very relaxed business-casual office environment. We are split up into teams, each with a team lead (TL). I was recently moved to a new team, and I realized right away that I'm extremely attracted to my new TL. Here are the most important details, as I see them:

1. I looked her up. Turns out she is in a relationship...
2. I'm 30, she is in her early 20s
3. She is my team lead
4. I'm autistic, but she already knows that
5. I am very physically attracted to her
6. I also find her other qualities attractive, e.g. her social confidence, her wittiness

I have only been in one romantic relationship in my life. It was great while it lasted, but we had our differences and went our separate ways. This tells me that I'm not incapable of having a meaningful relationship with someone. Since then, I have been mostly alone with very few friends or social interaction. Now maybe I am shallow, but I find that I am only attracted to women who are physically my "type." My TL fits ALL of my criteria, and then some. Being autistic with few social skills, I consider myself very lucky to have even met someone like her.

I have a great deal of anxiety, which makes my job very difficult to enjoy even though it is almost a perfect fit for someone like me. Since meeting her, everything has changed! I have a more positive outlook and I actually want to go to work. My anxiety has dropped significantly, and so my performance has improved. After years of deep depression and no work, I finally feel some hope for the future. These changes come from within, I suppose, but this woman is a huge external factor that I can't ignore.

Point number 1 above is probably the biggest problem. It wouldn't be appropriate to ask her out, even if I had the guts to do so. Point 2 is not a problem for me, but might be for her. I'm walking a fine line with point 3, especially since I don't want to risk getting moved to yet another team. My only interactions with her are ones she initiates because of her duties as my TL (although I did offer a nice compliment once, which she seemed very happy about).

So what should I do?? I think about her all the time. I desperately want to tell her how I feel, but I don't know if that is appropriate given the circumstances. My therapist suggested expressing gratitude about how she has already had such a positive influence on my life and let it go from there. This sounds wise to me, and I would like to do this, but I don't know how without coming across as "weird" or some other negative thing I haven't considered.

I'll be totally honest with myself and the world that even an expression of gratitude is not without some hidden agenda. I not-so-secretly hope that she will pick up on my affection, and slowly warm up to the idea of a friendship with me, and possibly more later if her current relationship doesn't work out. I hate myself for not being able to make a simple selfless act.

She seems like the type I could only find once in a lifetime, especially being autistic. I don't want to let her go, I don't want to wonder what if, and I especially don't want to miss the opportunity only to find out later that she actually had feelings for me too. But I also can't keep obsessing like this. I hardly even know her...

This is probably less an autism question than a common life issue, but I don't know where else to turn. If you made it this far, thank you, and thanks in advance for any advice you can offer to help me through this.

It sounds like the timing could be off with this particular girl , unless she breaks it off with her current boyfriend. You have mentioned how attracted you are to her but haven't given any real clues if she has any interest in you. That is extremely important in this case , if she was giving you some huge signs of interest it would likely signify that her relationship is on the rocks and you could proceed cautiously but until that happens I wouldn't pursue it .