I'm attracted to a 25yo lad with autism but there is a problem..

[ikcdab]

So, it's complicated. I am a 55yo married man. I am neuro-typical and always thought of myself as straight. But now I have fallen in love with a 25yo young man. I have known him for more than two years and I am convinced he is on the autistic spectrum. He is socially awkward, doesn't speak much, thinks deeply about things, very intelligent etc. I met him through a volunteer mentor scheme, which ended a long time ago. But I have stuck with him and we have had weekly trips out doing walks, shopping, eating out etc. I have helped him with benefits claims, money management and many other things. In the summer we went away on holiday together. I should say that nothing "improper" or unethical has ever happened. He seems to enjoy my company and seems to like being with me.

But I now realise that I am in love with him. This is not a passing crush, I have known this for 18 months. I think about him all the time, I dream of a life with him, I have everything planned out in my head.

I have dropped lots of hints to him, but he has never responded to any of them. I have told him that I "like him a lot" but he just stares at me and says nothing.

I really don't know what to do. Should I tell him out right, but the whole idea might totally disgust him and it could end our friendship for ever. He has never given a single sign whatsoever that he is interested in me in this way at all. Is he gay? I don't know. So although there's a good chance that he doesn't want me like this, I hang on to the fact that he MIGHT want this as well, but is unable to express his feelings.

What signs do I look for....how can I possible broach the subject without jeopardising our friendship. My heart tells me that I should push for what I want, but my head tells me to stop being so stupid. I'm 55 and married after all and should consider my wife and family. This confusion is ruining my life and making me depressed.......what do I do?

 

[Judge]

One thing for sure. Some of us don't overtly project our sexuality. Gay, straight or bi. If we really want you to know, you'll know. Otherwise consider the logic of "If you have to ask, it ain't happening."

Perhaps the best thing you can do is an option that doesn't involve probable self-destruction and collateral damage to innocent people in your orbit. Move on, forget the lad altogether and concentrate on the family you already have.

If you must dwell on a manifestation of "middle-aged crazy", consider a new job or new car. Something- anything that isn't organic. Been there, done that, etc..

 

[dragoncat16]

I agree with Judge. Given the fact that you have been straight for 55 years and you are married with a family, do you think that this could perhaps be some kind of midlife crisis? Clearly you enjoy his company and he enjoys yours, and that is fine, but wanting to jump from that into a more intimate relationship when you don't even know the nature of his feelings toward you suggests that maybe a lot of this is just a fantasy in your head.

 

[ikcdab]

Thank you for your replies. My head tells me they make sense, I just need to convince my heart.
What I take away is that whilst we shouldn't generalise, the likelihood is that he would tell me if he felt the same?
Thanks

 

[Fitzo]

Considering the nature of the relationship so far, I think declaring your feelings could potentially cause harm to this young man. If he considers you a mentor and father figure he could feel very betrayed.
Given the fact you've dropped hints and he has not responded it is unlikely he reciprocates your feelings.
You are risking ruining the lives of your innocent family and yourself for something that is highly unlikely to last, even if he reciprocated.
Have a good look in the mirror and ask yourself if you would want to spend the rest of your life with you if you were 25.
I suspect probably not.
My advice? Buy a Harley and stop this crazy fantasy.

 

[Judge]

What I take away is that whilst we shouldn't generalise, the likelihood is that he would tell me if he felt the same?

Thanks

If this helps, let's just say that where physical, non-verbal gestures are concerned, we may well not really know for sure what intentions are in play. I've literally had a few women all over me...which just felt awkward. Where in real-time I wasn't sure what was truly being conveyed to me. Mindless flirting or something else?

But yeah, when you've already said openly that you like them, I suspect more than likely that you've made your point to him.

 

[pjcnet]

If he is on the autistic spectrum he may not pick up on your hints and since you were his mentor he probably still looks up to you in this way rather than an equal, especially since you're 30 years older than him and when you said that you liked him a lot he probably saw this more in a fatherly way. He may or may not be gay, it's impossible for me to know from the limited information given and even you're not certain, but either way I would gamble that he'd be shocked if you told him how you feel outright and it probably wouldn't go well for either of you. If he did have any interest in you as a potential partner I believe that even someone on the higher end of autistic spectrum would have given you some hints after all this time, but even if he did agree to start a loving relationship with you (which I think is unlikely, sorry to be blunt) it probably still wouldn't work out well, especially due to your age difference. Would this gamble truly be worth destroying your long term marriage for and most probably hurting your family? I honestly think you know the correct answer and I'm sorry this wasn't what you wanted to hear.

Anyway, no matter what happens I hope things work out for the best for you all.

 

[Sabrina]

First of all you should get separated from your wife and get a divorce, so you are honest with your wife and family.

After that, you can figure out the rest. Yes, there’s a chance that you might end up without your wife and without the guy you are in love with, but that is the right thing to do if you don’t want to cause great pain to your wife and family.

 

[Lady Penelope]

Having been on the receiving end of this type of situation ... please do not push him. It ends horrifically for everyone.

Tell your wife how you feel. Give her the decency of your honesty.
If you do not see a future with her, allow her the opportunity to find love elsewhere.

Please.
Please do not push or rush the guy for answers or pressure him to reciprocate your feelings. You are his mentor and support figure and guide. You are in a position of power. Do not exploit that.

If you love him, be kind to him. Do what he wishes, regardless of whether it suits / matches your own desires. That's love.

 

[OkRad]

What you SHOULD do and what you will do are probably not the same thing. Personally, I would immediately TELL MY SPOUSE, if I had one, that I was contemplating an affair and I did not want to have one.

If you do not tell your wife and something happens, believe me, she will know. And good bye to her. If you tell her, her trust for you will skyrocket, for you to tell her BEFORE anything happens.

If, before your crush, you had a friend tell you the exact scenario you are now in, you would tell him, man, you need to run! Do like Socrates suggests.....RUN!

The most that would happen would be an affair and then what? Think ahead, think a year from now......you have an affair, he realizes you are too old, you have gotten in too deep and now cannot go back to your wife, she has found it out.....then what....are you going after more young men? This is not ancient Greece. Young men usually now choose other young men (or women) for partnership.

If you need to break it off, you can tell him, "Look, I have developed, for some reason, inappropriate feelings for you, so, being married and all, I have to pull back now...." That is what I was about to do with my friend with whom I fell terribly in love, but I was able to pull away without having to do so.

When you focus on the what is right, you can illicit help from others to help you in the struggle. When I was struggling with this, I told my family to ask them to help me, to be accountable, to be able to voice it out. It helped a lot , just to hear myself talk about and see their looks......REALITY CHECK.

Once you are away from him for about a month, your brain will start to work again and you will see you were spared A LOT OF PAIN and spared both him and your wife a lot of pain, too.

 

[Bolletje]

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation, it must be very confusing for you to find out that your sexuality is not what you defined it to be all these years. Congratulations to you for learning something new about yourself. I'm not sure what your marriage is like, but sharing this realization with your wife is something to consider. I know I would tell my partner.

Now about these feelings for your mentee: I'm afraid I'm going to have agree with those who posted before me in that you should not pursue this young man. If the two of you had met any other way, I might be inclined to think differently. However, the fact that you were his mentor (which inherently means power imbalance) makes me advice you against this. You say your mentorship has long since ended, but it sounds to me like you're still unofficially mentoring the guy. If he does still see you as a mentor it may feel like betrayal of his trust when he hears about how you've been secretly in love with him for 18 months. In my experience it's painful and confusing to find out that someone you've been trusting and confiding in has been hiding feelings for such a long time. I think those feelings are probably doubled when that someone has a position of power and/or a semi-fatherly role for you.

Even if the guy would be gay or bi, would reciprocate your feelings, and did not mind the way you two got together, I think you should consider whether you are ready to risk your marriage for what may very likely be an affair.

On the off-chance that your wife is okay with you exploring your newfound sexuality, are you okay with your children finding out? I'm all for living life out of the closet and being open about who you are, but you have to be ready for emotional responses.

 

[Streetwise]

Welcome the above word means shalom in Hebrew !which also means welcome or hello

So, it's complicated. I am a 55yo married man. I am neuro-typical and always thought of myself as straight. But now I have fallen in love with a 25yo young man. I have known him for more than two years and I am convinced he is on the autistic spectrum. He is socially awkward, doesn't speak much, thinks deeply about things, very intelligent etc. I met him through a volunteer mentor scheme, which ended a long time ago. But I have stuck with him and we have had weekly trips out doing walks, shopping, eating out etc. I have helped him with benefits claims, money management and many other things. In the summer we went away on holiday together. I should say that nothing "improper" or unethical has ever happened. He seems to enjoy my company and seems to like being with me.

But I now realise that I am in love with him. This is not a passing crush, I have known this for 18 months. I think about him all the time, I dream of a life with him, I have everything planned out in my head.

I have dropped lots of hints to him, but he has never responded to any of them. I have told him that I "like him a lot" but he just stares at me and says nothing.

I really don't know what to do. Should I tell him out right, but the whole idea might totally disgust him and it could end our friendship for ever. He has never given a single sign whatsoever that he is interested in me in this way at all. Is he gay? I don't know. So although there's a good chance that he doesn't want me like this, I hang on to the fact that he MIGHT want this as well, but is unable to express his feelings.

What signs do I look for....how can I possible broach the subject without jeopardising our friendship. My heart tells me that I should push for what I want, but my head tells me to stop being so stupid. I'm 55 and married after all and should consider my wife and family. This confusion is ruining my life and making me depressed.......what do I do?

 

[Esa]

You already have a family but you’re thinking of having another one with someone else. And your biggest concern is whether he likes you back.. your wife does not know yet, that means you’re not willing to risk it all if the guy doesn’t feel the same way and if there’s no way of being with him.. would you want to be with someone like you? Would you trust “you”?

 

[ikcdab]

Thank you all your replies. I don't want to be in this situation, it's making me extremely miserable and all I want to do is to turn back the clock..... but i know that's impossible.
I know what I must do, its just that doing it is so very very difficult. I know I am being incredibly stupid and weak, at the moment life is very unattractive.

 

[ikcdab]

To be honest it's the not knowing with 100% certainty that's killing me. Hence my original question. Whist I am almost certain that he isn't interested in me like this, all the time there is even a 1% chance that he might be then I can't let go. If I could find out 100% without damaging our friendship then I could deal with that. Sorry to sound so pathetic.

 

[Bolletje]

@ikcdab That 100% certainty is not something we can give you. Even if this guy is on the spectrum, we can't magically divine the answer for you with our Aspie powers. Every person is different, we can't look inside his mind any more than you can. You're going to have to ask him, or better yet, leave him alone.

 

[Voltaic]

I thought I would join in on this conversation. I am not going to argue if you shluld or shouldnt. I'm just going to look at the situation from his perspective right now. He may has not picked up on the hints, aspies are not good at hints, even high functioning ones can completely miss obvious hints. We don't communicate or hear the stuff not told directly. Hints are full of uncertainty, so when you need to say whatever you need to say upright and right there, anything you want to say you leave up to hints most likely will not be properly understood, express everything literally, and vocally. It might hit like a bombshell depending on what you decide to tell him, and it might be something huge to swallow for him no matter what you tell him. Others can disagree if they think it is a bad idea, but don't leave any critical information hidden, but the way you deliver it can lessen the impact.
If he got the hints, he would be one or more of these situations:
*He simply doesn't know what to say, this isn't stuff we are good at.
*He might be undesiesive, not knowing if he feels what you feel.
*He might feel completely off put from your approaches. Doesn't say anything because it stresses him.
*he feels the same way, doesn't know what to say, because this stuff is still hard.
*got the hints, but doesn't know for sure if you mean what you actually mean.

The last one might be the most likely, beside the other option of him not getting the hints at all and interpreting them as something else.

Just some food for thought. I hope whatever choice you make, things will work out.

 

[Esa]

Thank you all your replies. I don't want to be in this situation, it's making me extremely miserable and all I want to do is to turn back the clock..... but i know that's impossible.
I know what I must do, its just that doing it is so very very difficult. I know I am being incredibly stupid and weak, at the moment life is very unattractive.

Life is very unattractive to me because of all the selfish and dishonest people. He might not know this yet, but if you act on your impulses, you might make him miserable, too. It's a possibility. When it comes to the people we care about, even the slightest possibility that we might end up hurting them should make a difference. You might wanna start prioritizing. The facts remain: You have a family to think about because you signed up for that. Before jumping into a new life, you might wanna work on the one you already have which involves other people who may be depending on you. He might get away. Is it him that you love or the idea of having him? You might feel miserable now, but nothing beats the regret of past mistakes. Just remember, today and tomorrow will eventually become your past. Do you prefer to have it filled with mistakes?

 

[Ylva]

One first step could be coming out as bi. To him, to your wife, to your kids… Or fluid, if that's what you are.

He might not know how he feels. Literally. It can be part of the sensory issues that we don't process our emotions "in real time", or just plain alexithymia.

 

[wight]

If this is the first time you have been "in love with" another male. I suggest that you figure out if you are confusing/confounding love (emotional) with sexual attraction (physical). If you've never encountered a situation where you felt this way about a man before, this is uncharted territory with regards to your own emotions and sexuality. You need to sort it out (and probably talk to a therapist and your wife) BEFORE you broach the subject with the young man.

If you are confused, you need to be unconfused before you take any actions.