I'm always going to be on my own

[hatfullofrain]

I'm coming to terms with this. It was not how I saw my life, but my attempts at finding a boyfriend have all been horrible disasters. I could write a book about it.

I can't try anymore. It's a thankless task.

There's no such thing as "meant to be", but for want of a better expression, I feel like I'm not meant to be with anyone.

I don't really want that to be true, but all signs point to no.

The whole process has made me so miserable, I just want to be happy on my own and feel like I do not want to be with someone.

But I feel like I'm still grieving what I wanted and I haven't hit acceptance stage yet.

 

[BraidedPony]

Maybe you need a break from looking. Rest, pamper yourself, then regroup.

 

[AMANDA DESIREE WILSON]

All I can say is to keep your eyes open. Sometimes things do work out. I am 62 now and had two short romances. I have been on my own for all my life. I never learned how to make friends and it wasn't until I was 25 that I ever felt any love. My family never showed any for me. You can live on your own, but try not to. It takes a lot of discipline to do so. You have to learn how to deal with the loneliness. There are other things to consider as well. Having Asperger's made it difficult to keep work and many times I ended up homeless. If you can find someone, even if it is just someone who can be a close friend, then that will help you from ending up like I did. Don't even give up.

 

[Judge]

I've uttered similar sentiments many years ago.

Did I ever achieve hitting that acceptance stage yet? Not really. Maybe there isn't one. That we just "soldier on"...hoping that somehow things might change. Even if they don't.

Perhaps the best we can do is to accept that in being on the spectrum of autism, many of us for better or worse maintain this weird sense of a love/hate relationship with people in general. Making relationships inherently difficult. Where we crave companionship, and equally require solitude on a regular basis.

For man being quite the social animal, it leaves many of us feeling like "square pegs". It's not an easy existence.

At least here you will be among those of us who truly understand.

 

[oregano]

It gets easier as you get older. When I was young I felt compelled to have romantic/sexual relationships, which never materialized. I finally realized that I'm just not attractive. In my mid 40s I'm fine with that.

I have since figured out that during the years from puberty to age 30 or so humans are compelled by biology to mate and reproduce as a means of propagating the species. In our distant caveman past, few males made it to sexual maturity, meaning that those who did needed to have sex as much as possible in order to ensure species propagation. That is why young teen boys are constantly "horny".

That also explains the human tendency towards alpha male polygamy, where a handful of males care for many females. Males who made it to sexual maturity often didn't live for very long afterwards, so they would reproduce and then die, leaving their offspring to be cared for in communal settings by females of a harem, looked after by an alpha male.

The shift in human societies towards nuclear families has only happened in the last couple millenia or so, and even now alpha male polygamy persists in some places (like Africa and the heart of the Islamic world), but humans are still operating as if we lived in small, primitive hunter-gatherer tribes.

As a young female, you are programmed to have as many offspring as soon as possible, then join a harem to raise your children with other females under the watch/protection of an alpha. IOW, your feelings aren't your fault, your brain is pitting cavewoman urges against your ASD.

 

[hatfullofrain]

Typical aspie man not understanding how women feel... rolls eyes.

It gets easier as you get older. When I was young I felt compelled to have romantic/sexual relationships, which never materialized. I finally realized that I'm just not attractive. In my mid 40s I'm fine with that.

I have since figured out that during the years from puberty to age 30 or so humans are compelled by biology to mate and reproduce as a means of propagating the species. In our distant caveman past, few males made it to sexual maturity, meaning that those who did needed to have sex as much as possible in order to ensure species propagation. That is why young teen boys are constantly "horny".

That also explains the human tendency towards alpha male polygamy, where a handful of males care for many females. Males who made it to sexual maturity often didn't live for very long afterwards, so they would reproduce and then die, leaving their offspring to be cared for in communal settings by females of a harem, looked after by an alpha male.

The shift in human societies towards nuclear families has only happened in the last couple millenia or so, and even now alpha male polygamy persists in some places (like Africa and the heart of the Islamic world), but humans are still operating as if we lived in small, primitive hunter-gatherer tribes.

As a young female, you are programmed to have as many offspring as soon as possible, then join a harem to raise your children with other females under the watch/protection of an alpha. IOW, your feelings aren't your fault, your brain is pitting cavewoman urges against your ASD.

 

[Trophonius]

And being on your own is great, because you are amazing.

 

[Kalinychta]

It gets easier as you get older. When I was young I felt compelled to have romantic/sexual relationships, which never materialized. I finally realized that I'm just not attractive. In my mid 40s I'm fine with that.

I have since figured out that during the years from puberty to age 30 or so humans are compelled by biology to mate and reproduce as a means of propagating the species. In our distant caveman past, few males made it to sexual maturity, meaning that those who did needed to have sex as much as possible in order to ensure species propagation. That is why young teen boys are constantly "horny".

That also explains the human tendency towards alpha male polygamy, where a handful of males care for many females. Males who made it to sexual maturity often didn't live for very long afterwards, so they would reproduce and then die, leaving their offspring to be cared for in communal settings by females of a harem, looked after by an alpha male.

The shift in human societies towards nuclear families has only happened in the last couple millenia or so, and even now alpha male polygamy persists in some places (like Africa and the heart of the Islamic world), but humans are still operating as if we lived in small, primitive hunter-gatherer tribes.

As a young female, you are programmed to have as many offspring as soon as possible, then join a harem to raise your children with other females under the watch/protection of an alpha. IOW, your feelings aren't your fault, your brain is pitting cavewoman urges against your ASD.

Humans have been pretty much monogamous for about the last four and a half million years. [Edit: Actually I think it’s two million years, not four. I believe it began with homo erectus, but I was thinking ardipithecus ramidus. Anyway...] Alpha males and females don’t exist in our species, and women never lived in harems in prehistoric times. By “harems” I assume you mean groups of women who were sex/breeding chattel lorded over by one dude who had sex with all of them. I think chimps live like that. And hippopotami. Definitely not humans.

Alpha male polygamy (as you termed it) is a misogynist thing. It persists in the areas you mentioned because of culture and religious zealotry, not because it’s natural/normal, which it isn’t.

Sorry, off topic... I felt compelled to respond in case any other women here read your post and felt sad about it. I like to think that basically men and women see each other as equals nowadays.

 

[Kalinychta]

I'm coming to terms with this. It was not how I saw my life, but my attempts at finding a boyfriend have all been horrible disasters. I could write a book about it.

I can't try anymore. It's a thankless task.

There's no such thing as "meant to be", but for want of a better expression, I feel like I'm not meant to be with anyone.

I don't really want that to be true, but all signs point to no.

The whole process has made me so miserable, I just want to be happy on my own and feel like I do not want to be with someone.

But I feel like I'm still grieving what I wanted and I haven't hit acceptance stage yet.

Female age 38

Why is it that you want a boyfriend so much? Is it because you want love, intimacy, etc. with someone, or is it because you’re frightened of the social stigma of being an unmarried woman in her late thirties?

 

[Fino]

I read your post as mostly a positive thing!

 

[hatfullofrain]

Love, intimacy etc.

I live in the UK. Being unmarried has no social stigma.

I feel more social pressure to be happily single. No one really cares if I have a partner or not. But if I bring up how I feel I'm usually told that it's ok to be on my own or "you know you can be happy on your own right", "It's not always good right", "you only see the good things, it's hard work"

Why is it that you want a boyfriend so much? Is it because you want love, intimacy, etc. with someone, or is it because you’re frightened of the social stigma of being an unmarried woman in her late thirties?

 

[hatfullofrain]

I think I just need to stop. Completely.

Men just want a bit of flirting and nothing more. There's no point.

Every single one of them, apart from 2 who were genuinely interested but whom I had no chemistry with, have been like that. Just wanting some light fun, but nothing more, not even any physical contact

Maybe you need a break from looking. Rest, pamper yourself, then regroup.

 

[SusanLR]

As a young female, you are programmed to have as many offspring as soon as possible, then join a harem to raise your children with other females under the watch/protection of an alpha. IOW, your feelings aren't your fault, your brain is pitting cavewoman urges against your ASD

That was always what I believed of the human species also.
Biological instincts create urges for mating and propagating that began in the beginning with
caveman society.

But, have some of us outgrown those genetic switches?
Those instincts never happened with me.
As a young woman the usual puberty desires to start thinking of mates or children just didn't
happen. They never happened.
I just didn't want to live alone. I didn't feel comfortable living with other people, or
having visitors in my house. Yet I didn't desire to live alone. I found it lonely, and I never
developed the feeling of security of functioning without someone for company.
The only ones who fit that bill were my parents and I lived with them until they died.
Now I am old and it never got easier to live alone. Yet I never had desires for those built in
desires for a romantic partner, sex and children.
So when I was left with no family, meaning parents, my executive functioning alone was so weak
I rented part of the house from someone I knew just to have the feeling there was someone
around if I needed them to talk with or for help.
Still it is uncomfortable as being with others always has been.
I can't feel free to just be me.

This is something I always wondered about. Why didn't those instinctual caveman genes
ever fire up with me? Probably a few others in the world they didn't with either.

 

[oregano]

I apologize for any offense, it was not intended. I was just stating what I have gathered through various sources I have read over the years. I was not saying that it was "right" or desirable, just that humans lived in such a way in the distant past and that our genes are still programmed for living in such a way. My point is that our innate desire to mate and reproduce during the peak reproductive years clashes with the fact that as auties we have a very difficult time fulfilling that biological imperative. I was trying to tell the OP that her feelings are the result of genetic programming and that she shouldn't feel bad over them. She obviously didn't see it that way.

 

[christopher.k]

i sometimes get this intense longing as well but i find it goes to the back of my mind when I'm busy moving about
or following up important (which at the moment is applying for a volunteer gigs to use some of my spare time and expand on my knowledge/learn new skills at the same time) or interesting things on the web.

though more relevantly i agree that you should take a break and perhaps meditate on your efforts so far they might not have been as disastrous as you think they were.

 

[AloneNotLonely]

I think I just need to stop. Completely.

Men just want a bit of flirting and nothing more. There's no point.

Every single one of them, apart from 2 who were genuinely interested but whom I had no chemistry with, have been like that. Just wanting some light fun, but nothing more, not even any physical contact

Yup, every single one of them. Apart from 2. If you are wondering what happened, there's your answer.

Also in this thread: Harems. Because why not.

 

[Pats]

Don't give up hope. I had a friend who was in her late 40's when she finally met someone and got married. She had never been in an intimate relationship before that.

 

[Sarah S]

You dont know what the future holds for you, noone does. So dont give up but in the same time its good if you try to utlist the fact that there is a risk of you becoming a lone wolf.

And just because you so far seems to have had some bad luck DONT mean you should just stop searching. If you give up then you risk missing when/if you actually meet Mr right.

True im a lone wolf my self. But i dident chose this i had to accept and adapt and become this lone wolf so non of its volontary. Its just the card i was dealt in life. but i havent closed the door if Mr right shows up tho

 

[hatfullofrain]

I'm just in a place right now where I feel like all the hurt over the years has piled up and collapsed on top of me. Its not one person that made me feel like this, it's all of the nothing, the not ever being quiet enough, the being given a second glance (I was going to say never being given a second glance, but I do get ogled), but never being good enough for anything permanent.

It's just impossible.

I don't want to feel hurt anymore. I want to be ok.

 

[hatfullofrain]

Me aspie. Not understand vague

Yup, every single one of them. Apart from 2. If you are wondering what happened, there's your answer.