I'm A Care Giver

[Balldez]

My wife thinks she has a mild form and her son thinks the same thing about himself. I doubt it since they are self-diagnosed. I am quite certain that my wife doesn't have it. She just got nuts and bitchy after menopause.

My stepson can be a bigger pain in the butt. He can see nuances and gray areas better than me at times as can his mother. I think they are using Aspergers as an excuse. When they said that they thought they had it I thought, "Good, now go to a shrink and get a real dx." I also, said, "A therapist with expertise might be helpful". I think I called their bluff.

Is it possible that people have personality disorders such as borderline personality disorder get misdiagnosed/mislabeled as Asperger when the issue is something else?

My stepson was pretty spoiled before I met his mom and today he's a baby man who is very abusive to his family.

My diagnosis for him is anti-social personality disorder, borderline PD and narcissistic PD. His mother is that way to a lesser degree. Like his mother he's a bully and often histrionic.

I'm reaching the end of my rope with the two of them. Aspergers or not, I think they should seek a valid dx and maybe counseling.

Your thoughts?

 

[Nitro]

 

[Lula1989]

Misdiagnosis is common with every disease out there. But my typical understanding of people is the more you condeem them for saying they have it or demean them, then the more they ignore every single word you say. I did a checklist of about 50 items with my husband and we both agreed on every item that i match. Maybe you can research a checklist/assessment and see if anything holds up. Then have a discussion with them when they are open minded and go down the checklist of each of then on every item line. Why each item ahows they either match or dont. Then suggest the therapist again if needed. I think theremay be other more subtle tactics of going about this

 

[Lula1989]

Secondly, it sounds like you are a huge skeptic of this disorder. I go back and forth sometimes with myself, questioning if I have it even though i check all the boxes. Maybe I am normal with social issues from childhood trama. Maybe its just an excuse for socially awkward people who cant handle normal conversations. Who knows. Regardless of if I do actually have it or not, i am using this diagnosis and the checklist improvement plan to better myself. If all this diagnosis and forum does is help my relationship with my family, improve my communication with my husband, improve his understanding of my quitks, help me reduce stress at work due to my awkwardness, then I will take it! Side note I am not defensive but trying to help you be optimistic and think in a new way. Maybe they dont have it, but if they want to use it as a crutch AND use it to improve their behaviors I saygo for it (we can always use improved people in the world!). But if its only an excuse and nothing being done then I dont condone that.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

You should leave them and increase their individual happiness.

You asked.

Don't diagnose people you live with.

What's your expertise?

 

[Lula1989]

Its true. You hve been a bit harsh about your wife and step son. I read another comment you left on another thread. Maybe stepping back and seeing why they keep questioning themselves so much may actually help you find a solution if you want to remain in a relationship with them. Your constant belittling (though maybe you are only venting online and not directly to them) may cause them to close you off and shut down. I say be open minded and try to find a new tactic that is soft and reaffirming! Could help-

 

[Bolletje]

It's entirely possible for people to be mislabeled with conditions, especially when the one doing the labeling is not a professional. I'd refrain from labeling your family unless you're qualified to do so.
I do think counseling would be a good idea, provided they're open to that.

 

[Warmheart]

Welcome here.

 

[Myway]

Hello and welcome.

 

[Tom]

Hi & Welcome,
Self Diagnosis can be valid, if it's a thorough & informed examination. But even then, thats just the first step in a process of living an improved life once you are aware of the problem. Yes, it is a problem although in the realm of High Functioning autism it can be quite moderate or mild and the person have developed good compensation procedures on their own.

 

[Balldez]

Misdiagnosis is common with every disease out there. But my typical understanding of people is the more you condeem them for saying they have it or demean them, then the more they ignore every single word you say. I did a checklist of about 50 items with my husband and we both agreed on every item that i match. Maybe you can research a checklist/assessment and see if anything holds up. Then have a discussion with them when they are open minded and go down the checklist of each of then on every item line. Why each item ahows they either match or dont. Then suggest the therapist again if needed. I think theremay be other more subtle tactics of going about this

Things they do mimick some criteria but it didn't start with my wife until menopause.

I tried being diplomatic and I asked my wife to explain and she got defensive even though I was not challenging her. I suggested the she get diagnosed to be sure because I told her I was skeptical.

Here's what chaps my hide. Aspergers/mild Autism affects the people around them same as other mental illnesses. I suggested that they both seek help if not for themselves but for the people who their disorder impacts upon. She refused. I think she was using it as a way to excuse her and her son's intolerant, abusive, tyrannical, and bullying behavior.

She would not sit down with a check list at least not with me or a psychologist. She may have read something online but she never shared it with me, perhaps for fear of me finding something more official and erudite. Both of them hate to be proven wrong and even the slightest criticism of them sets them off. Her son has walked on on many jobs because he took normal criticism wrong. When he starts what seems like a constructive argument and begins to see that he's on shaky ground he becomes abusive. He talks racist crap and with most people that really presses a nerve with me. I remain calm with him and try to explain that culture and race are two very different things. I also tried to explain to him that there really is only one race and that is the human race and among members of the human race there different physical characteristics but no real behavioral ones. He thinks there are several races of people and that anyone who is not Caucasian or Asian is inferior and should be gone. To me, that's seems evil as well as absurd. His mother is not like that. If she were there would have never been a second date.

They both use this "asperger" thing to justify their anti-social behaviors. Neither one of them have sustained friendships because they find fault with so many people. Wifey has an on and off relationship with a woman who we both know. I'll call her Barb. The woman is a kook but interesting and intelligent. She also lacks character and the very first time I met her she started trashing her husband to me. I like her husband because he's a stand up guy. Wifey will whine about her on and off friend "Barb". She knows how I feel about Barb. She has had opportunity to be friends with other people but she seems to go for the kooks who lack character. Her son has no friends because nobody can live up to his standards. Seems hypocritical to me.

I would like to help them both but they are resistant to even talking to someone with credentials. If they go in saying they have aspergers at least it will be a start.

 

[Balldez]

Hi & Welcome,
Self Diagnosis can be valid, if it's a thorough & informed examination. But even then, thats just the first step in a process of living an improved life once you are aware of the problem. Yes, it is a problem although in the realm of High Functioning autism it can be quite moderate or mild and the person have developed good compensation procedures on their own.

Makes sense but I think they are way off base.

Regardless of what it is called, it seems to me that behavioral therapy would be helpful and perhaps with enough right thinking what every is wrong with how the brain processes certain things it will change in a positive manner but it would takes work and most humans are quite lazy.

Both of them are stubborn and inflexible. Wifey worse since menopause. Sonny boy seems to be declining as well. I feel bad for his wife.

 

[Balldez]

It's entirely possible for people to be mislabeled with conditions, especially when the one doing the labeling is not a professional. I'd refrain from labeling your family unless you're qualified to do so.
I do think counseling would be a good idea, provided they're open to that.

It takes a lot to zero in on the correct diagnosis and there there dual diagnosis it gets even more complex.

In your opinion, how effective do you think treatment for high functioning autism is?

As it stands now, they are pretty much saying, "I have aspergers and if I treat you like crap tough, it is not my fault, deal with it and don't expect me to change because I can't."

There was one time when wifey was riding the broom about what I got her for mother's day. I spoke to a friend's wife about it to try and figure out what was wrong with the gift. The friends's wife said, "Maybe she's just a B-word." Maybe that is the most accurate dx?

 

[Furelise]

Some people do mis self diagnose. It really can only be determined by a professional. I have an autism diagnosis, but even before I did my parents would blame all my odd and rude behaviour on autism. I’m a bit different now but if I walk away from a conversation too quickly, Grandma will say “that’s just because she’s autistic. So sorry.” People that use autism as an excuse kind of strike me the wrong way, mostly because I don’t like to tell a lot of people about my autism, let alone let it explain away my behaviour.

 

[Bolletje]

It takes a lot to zero in on the correct diagnosis and there there dual diagnosis it gets even more complex.

In your opinion, how effective do you think treatment for high functioning autism is?

As it stands now, they are pretty much saying, "I have aspergers and if I treat you like crap tough, it is not my fault, deal with it and don't expect me to change because I can't."

In my (not so humble) opinion, being on the spectrum is not an excuse for treating people like crap, nor does it excuse you from making apologies if you have (accidentally) offended someone. I know some people like to use autism as a "get out of jail free"-card, I'm very much opposed to that as it gives people on the spectrum a bad name we don't deserve.

As for treatment for autism, well, there is none. Therapy can be useful in determining personal strengths and weaknesses, figuring out how autism affects your life, how to make the most out of your life with autism, as well as assessing how to overcome differences with your loved ones (the secret is always communication and compromise from both sides, no matter what diagnosis).

Therapy was effective for me (high-functioning) in that it helped me figure out what triggers me most, and with that, it helped me figure out what the ideal working conditions are for me, and how to formulate that clearly.
The same in my relationship, I clearly defined what the ideal relationship conditions are, my boyfriend complied with some of them, and the negiotiations over the rest of the conditions have continued ever since because that's what relationships tend to be like

 

[Crossbreed]

@Balldez , if you don't consider Aspergers/autism to be a plausible diagnosis for your wife & stepson, what are you hoping to gain from an Aspergers/autism forum?

 

[Lula1989]

Ithink he is just wanting some sort of help and this is likely the only forum that fits. @Balldez look at high senitive personality disorder. I just came across that recently and some people misinterpret ASD for HS. I dont know any advice to give if they are shut off completely. Maybe give it time and readdress in a few months

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

In my (not so humble) opinion, being on the spectrum is not an excuse for treating people like crap, nor does it excuse you from making apologies if you have (accidentally) offended someone. I know some people like to use autism as a "get out of jail free"-card, I'm very much opposed to that as it gives people on the spectrum a bad name we don't deserve.

As for treatment for autism, well, there is none. Therapy can be useful in determining personal strengths and weaknesses, figuring out how autism affects your life, how to make the most out of your life with autism, as well as assessing how to overcome differences with your loved ones (the secret is always communication and compromise from both sides, no matter what diagnosis).

Therapy was effective for me (high-functioning) in that it helped me figure out what triggers me most, and with that, it helped me figure out what the ideal working conditions are for me, and how to formulate that clearly.
The same in my relationship, I clearly defined what the ideal relationship conditions are, my boyfriend complied with some of them, and the negiotiations over the rest of the conditions have continued ever since because that's what relationships tend to be like

There's a lot of wisdom in this post.

Must've been an accident

It's a lifelong learning thing - communication,understanding,

Mixed in with relationships, ah such fun!

But its very much a two way street.
And its easy to see the spelk (splinter?) in someone elses eye and miss the plank in your own..

 

[Balldez]

@Balldez , if you don't consider Aspergers/autism to be a plausible diagnosis for your wife & stepson, what are you hoping to gain from an Aspergers/autism forum?

I could be wrong. Also, maybe I can gain some insight whether they legitimately think they have it or they are lying to me so that they can justify their antics.

 

[pjcnet]

Yes I believe the way autism is diagnosed these days often isn't accurate and sometimes people with autism can be non diagnosed (especially if they're experienced at emulating being NT), then I believe there's also people who are misdiagnosed that have other conditions instead or in fact on a few occasions could even be faking it. I say faking it as I had a "friend" who always used to lie about everything, E.g. he'd apparently been a Chief Fire Officer and had also been in the Royal Marines when he was still 20 years old and unemployed (just to be a Chief Fire Officer alone take years and that would have made him the youngest Chief Fire Officer in the country, then he still had time to get into the Royal Marines and travel around the World seeing some dreadful things, the amount of b***s**t stories he'd tell), then he started lying about being autistic totally copying my life story including specific details to others using all the information I'd told him about myself in the past (I was angry when I found out), but amazingly he later got diagnosed and I most certainly know he's not autistic (this made me absolutely livid). When I knew him he had absolutely no autistic traits what-so-ever and in many ways he was the opposite, now he's going on getting all the sympathy saying this and that effects his autism when I know he was perfectly fine with it all before. He did it to claim better welfare benefits which makes me really angry because so many people who are entitled to the benefit and need it are being given a hard time in the UK, often not being believed, partly because of people like him and partly for political reasons. This however proves to me that the autism diagnosis is far from accurate as it shouldn't be possible to fake it.

I believe more autistic people should be involved in all aspects of autism support including diagnosis and research. By far the best drug councillors are ex drug addicts themselves because they're the only people that have truly experienced what it's like and this is mostly accepted, yet it's not accepted that autistic people are the best people to help in autism support, even though they're the only people who can ever truly understand that by being there, this really needs to change.