I'll never know what really happened

[Pats]

I'm going to take a chance on appearing crazy here, but this event is what made me realize that something was wrong with me and soon after realized then went to specialist and diagnosed with autism.

A few years ago, paying my fourth of the expenses, I accepted the invitation and went to the beach with my youngest daughter and her family, my oldest daughter and her family and my youngest son and his family. The only thing I enjoyed about it was being with my grandkids.

Well, it started out funny when my 2 daughters and I went to stock up on groceries and I went on out with a buggy over flowing with stuff while they were paying for the last bit of stuff and when they came out I realized when they were laughing that I had just put all the groceries into the wrong vehicle. Ok - that would just give us something to laugh about the rest of the week.

By day three I was miserable and called my daughter in law to vent (she and my oldest son's lifestyle matches mine). I complained that there wasn't enough room in the fridge for food because all the beer. I complained that my son in law would sit up all night totally smashed then sleeping half the day and my daughter having to take care of the kids without his help. I complained that instead of going to the closest beach that was in walking distance to the house they had to drive golf carts 15 minutes down the beach to hang out with my other son in laws family, so I felt like I was having to impose on someone to drive me back to the house after 15-30 minutes on the beach and I couldn't take any more, so I quit riding to the beach with them but ended up staying at the house cleaning and doing dishes.

I wasn't going to go do things a lone and I wasn't going to spend $50 a day for my own golf cart (I'm on a limited income). And I complained because smoking pot and drinking every evening was just not something I enjoy being around at my age so there was nothing about the trip that I was enjoying.

I was out of my zone in every way and had nothing to do that I would be doing if I were home. I did mention in the evening taking a walk on the beach and they all ended up taking off and doing something else. Oh, they would bring sleeping kids back to the house for me to watch.

I know I should have kept my mouth shut but after my rant, my son in law walked out where I was and had my daughter come get him to join the rest at the water park.

My son cooked dinner that night - a terrible Mexican dish and he had corona beers with slices of lemon in them all set out for everyone. My daughter went to grab one and my son in law said, "You better not" then gave me a glance. She said she didn't care and got her beer. I ate what I could but still hungry but didn't want to insult my son's cooking and just said I was full.

They decided to go walk on the beach and I was riding on one of the carts with my oldest daughter and her group and my son in law said, let's just go here where your mom wants to go. So okay, now two things were said in regards to my rant and my son in law that I complained about not helping out my daughter was not even speaking to me (which went on for several months after).

I played with the kids on the beach since everyone else seemed to be giving me the cold shoulder then we went back to the house. They were all sitting on the patio as they had done every night and when I came out, they, one by one, went to the living room. When I joined them in the living room, they one by one left that room. So I went to my bedroom and hid out the rest of the night. I was hungry but no way was I leaving the bedroom to go get something to eat. They were all mad at me and it was obvious.

The next morning I loaded my stuff in the car. No one saying anything to me. I stood in the bathroom trying not to cry and trying to figure out how to make my escape and once I got enough nerve, I kind of just walked through giving each of the grandkids a hug and saying I was going home. No one questioned it or seemed to care.

I was so upset I got lost three times going home and what should have taken 4 hours, took 9. But I couldn't get over the strong need to hide from my own kids.

I tried to talk to them about what happened but they all say it was just my imagination and that no one was mad at me and that no one had heard anything about my rant. They made me feel like I was insane, but exact words I had said in my rant had been repeated in a sarcastic tone and the entire rest of the day too many things say differently.

I know now, with autism, when we feel a threat everything kind of goes out of whack but there were sooo many actions and words that I did not imagine. I've brought it up a few times and everyone says they don't remember any of it, while I remember every detail. But it still bothers me to this day and how could I feel so threatened by my own kids?

Sorry this is so long. But I would like other input.

 

[Pats]

Oh. I've not gone back to the beach when they all have gone since and they all understand why and just laugh and say ok but I'm invited.

 

[Nervous Rex]

With autism, when we feel a threat everything kind of goes out of whack.

That puts into words something that I've felt, but never clearly articulated before.

 

[BraidedPony]

Oh course they heard your rant! I sometimes talk too loud, or louder than I mean too when I’m upset and really really want the listener to understand what I’m going through!
They are just lieing when they say they never heard you and that they werent angry with you. Yes they were and are ashamed to admit it because they were acting like jerks.
And they remember it too probably but maybe not as clearly as you remember it because you were in much more distress than they were (and they were drinking beer!)
It is understandable to feel threatened by anyone, even our children, when they didn’t show any concern for your wellbeing on the trip, didn’t seem to care that you were driving home alone, and then lied about it later. Its a natural response to a threat to our sense of security.
I’ve had a similar experience, but not nearly as bad and I was in tears and begged to go home.

 

[Pats]

Oh course they heard your rant! I sometimes talk too loud, or louder than I mean too when I’m upset and really really want the listener to understand what I’m going through!
They are just lieing when they say they never heard you and that they werent angry with you. Yes they were and are ashamed to admit it because they were acting like jerks.
And they remember it too probably but maybe not as clearly as you remember it because you were in much more distress than they were (and they were drinking beer!)
It is understandable to feel threatened by anyone, even our children, when they didn’t show any concern for your wellbeing on the trip, didn’t seem to care that you were driving home alone, and then lied about it later. Its a natural response to a threat to our sense of security.
I’ve had a similar experience, but not nearly as bad and I was in tears and begged to go home.

oh, thank you so much.

 

[Autistamatic]

I think you're far from alone in having had experiences like this Pats. I've had too many similar incidents myself in the past. Like many of us, I'm blessed with a very good memory - it's part of my social survival mechanism. The amount of times someone who I think I'm close to or should be able to trust has played the contrary game with me and made me think I'm losing it I just couldn't count.
In recent years, since the tech has been readily available, I've taken to recording some conversations that I know in advance may be important or difficult, just so when I start to feel I'm being deceived I can check for myself (I never play it back to people, that would cause even more friction). Those recordings have proved to me what utter liars people can be and how subjective the "truth" is when emotions get involved.

 

[Pats]

I think you're far from alone in having had experiences like this Pats. I've had too many similar incidents myself in the past. Like many of us, I'm blessed with a very good memory - it's part of my social survival mechanism. The amount of times someone who I think I'm close to or should be able to trust has played the contrary game with me and made me think I'm losing it I just couldn't count.
In recent years, since the tech has been readily available, I've taken to recording some conversations that I know in advance may be important or difficult, just so when I start to feel I'm being deceived I can check for myself (I never play it back to people, that would cause even more friction. Those recordings have proved to me what utter liars people can be and how subjective the "truth" is when emotions get involved.

that's actually a good idea to record - just to be able to listen to it more objectively and not question your own vivid memory (which actually is as good as recording, but other's make you question it).

 

[DJones]

I'm just responding to the vibe of your post rather than looking closely at cause/effects, reactions and so forth here but - I feel like I recognize something - seen it in my mum - after she came to stay with us for a while, I've scene very similar scenarios play out in a couple of friends lives and I've experienced the same feelings that you have myself in a particular familial situation that occurred - both sides of it, literally.

...I enjoy being around at my age so there was nothing about the trip that I was enjoying.

They were all sitting on the patio as they had done every night and when I came out, they, one by one, went to the living room. When I joined them in the living room, they one by one left that room. So I went to my bedroom and hid out the rest of the night.

The next morning I loaded my stuff in the car. No one saying anything to me. I stood in the bathroom trying not to cry and trying to figure out how to make my escape

I tried to talk to them about what happened but they all say it was just my imagination and that no one was mad at me and that no one had heard anything about my rant. They made me feel like I was insane

Couple of things - uh...its not autism and this scenario - as deeply personal as it feels, unique to us and personal to us - is common. I'm utterly amazed at just how common - how they are reacting, you are feeling and reacting.

But it still bothers me to this day and how could I feel so threatened by my own kids?

Oh, yeah! Most definitely we can feel threatened by our kids, their world, our sense of place within that world - I had a dose o that the other week and it didn't feel good. - And I'm a husband and they are only teenagers! Wasn't expecting that!

This rabbit hole runs really deep and I've to stop here but YOU ARE NOT ALONE I PROMISE

 

[Pats]

I'm just responding to the vibe of your post rather than looking closely at cause/effects, reactions and so forth here but - I feel like I recognize something - seen it in my mum - after she came to stay with us for a while, I've scene very similar scenarios play out in a couple of friends lives and I've experienced the same feelings that you have myself in a particular familial situation that occurred - both sides of it, literally.









Couple of things - uh...its not autism and this scenario - as deeply personal as it feels, unique to us and personal to us - is common. I'm utterly amazed at just how common - how they are reacting, you are feeling and reacting.



Oh, yeah! Most definitely we can feel threatened by our kids, their world, our sense of place within that world - I had a dose o that the other week and it didn't feel good. - And I'm a husband and they are only teenagers! Wasn't expecting that!

This rabbit hole runs really deep and I've to stop here but YOU ARE NOT ALONE I PROMISE

thanks for all you said and it is the vibe I was trying to describe, otherwise - much more detail. lol The scenario , yes I know happens. My reaction and how I felt was so extreme is why I knew there was something wrong with me. My insides were crazier than I had ever felt. My hiding out in the bathroom to plan an escape, wasn't a five minute session - more like over an hour. The inability to do anything but run and the urgency to run. I sat doing nothing in the bedroom and waited for everyone to go to bed so I could sneak out and get a bite of something to eat because I was feeling sick. I think if I had been a neurotypical, I could have been speaking up all along and would not have just stuck my head in the sand until finding an escape.
I've read how asd persons often misconstrue things because of other things feeling like threats, and I have tried and tried to examine this to see if I had indeed misconstrued everything. But I don't think you misconstrue everything, including actions and words do you?

 

[sidd851]

This drives home, to me, the whimsical,
mercurial, selective, reality experienced
by NT's.
I occupy a world wherein, what
happens, happens.
Immutable, unchangeable, truth.
Fact.
It twists one's mind to witness the
gyrations and undulations of reality
that NT's insensibly and somewhat
unpredictably cleave to in
noncommittal fashion.

I'm just beginning to trust myself,
disregarding the frequently, drastically
changing "observations" of NT's.

While I have, at this time, no
miraculous answers, I certainly
feel your plight.

I empathize, I sympathize.

Let's keep us updated.
I am sure, we're all here for you.

May you be well.

 

[Suzanne]

I am like you with my sister's children.

My husband often reminds me that I am their auntie and therefore why should I feel nervous around them? Now, obviously there is reason to feel as I do, but that does not make it easy for me. Wish it did.

In a strange way, I guess I blur the lines and see them on the same or even higher level than me.

 

[Pats]

This drives home, to me, the whimsical,
mercurial, selective, reality experienced
by NT's.
I occupy a world wherein, what
happens, happens.
Immutable, unchangeable, truth.
Fact.
It twists one's mind to witness the
gyrations and undulations of reality
that NT's insensibly and somewhat
unpredictably cleave to in
noncommittal fashion.

I'm just beginning to trust myself,
disregarding the frequently, drastically
changing "observations" of NT's.

While I have, at this time, no
miraculous answers, I certainly
feel your plight.

I empathize, I sympathize.

Let's keep us updated.
I am sure, we're all here for you.

May you be well.

wow. wonderfully stated.
You point out something that really makes sense about NT's realities. I always thought what happens happens, but most NT's I know seem clueless to that.

 

[Pats]

This drives home, to me, the whimsical,
mercurial, selective, reality experienced
by NT's.
I occupy a world wherein, what
happens, happens.
Immutable, unchangeable, truth.
Fact.
It twists one's mind to witness the
gyrations and undulations of reality
that NT's insensibly and somewhat
unpredictably cleave to in
noncommittal fashion.

I'm just beginning to trust myself,
disregarding the frequently, drastically
changing "observations" of NT's.

While I have, at this time, no
miraculous answers, I certainly
feel your plight.

I empathize, I sympathize.

Let's keep us updated.
I am sure, we're all here for you.

May you be well.

I want to somehow save those first two paragraphs to remind myself.

 

[BraidedPony]

There is an old movie you might like, its one of my favorites, Gaslight staring Ingrid Bergman and Angela Lansbury’s first movie role!
This movie is where the term “gaslighting” comes from.
Having what you know as reality constanty denied by people you care about is crazy-making. Not that anyone is doing this to you on purpose, but having everyone deny what you know it true is very disorienting.

 

[Gritches]

It sounds to me like everyone else planned to do what they inevitably ended up doing, and you were just really "out of place" because those kinds of activities (drinking and smoking) just "weren't your scene".

I think it really shows your dedication that you stayed for as long as you did and tried as hard as you did, so kudos to you for that. But if I were in your place, I would've asked myself: "am I out of place here?" and "is this really my scene?" and if not, amscray.

I'm sorry to hear you went through this though. It reminds me a lot of family gatherings I used to have to attend, so I can empathize.

 

[BraidedPony]

I’ve decided that I’m not going to any family gatherings again. Unless it is close by and I take my own car.
I would rather have just one on one conversations and even then...not something I’m going to set up and plan to do.

 

[Ylva]

They all do this. I think (again) that it's a power thing.

Bullying you like that demonstrates power. Then denying it demonstrates power. Admitting it would give you power. I try not to compare people's kids to Trump, but…

 

[Pats]

I’ve decided that I’m not going to any family gatherings again. Unless it is close by and I take my own car.
I would rather have just one on one conversations and even then...not something I’m going to set up and plan to do.

That's funny because I once booked a motel for a sister weekend (me and my 2 sisters). That night I couldn't sleep and was all panicky and cancelled the reservations, then emailed my sisters and just said, "Never mind". lol

 

[BraidedPony]

I have cancelled so many things after a night like that! The only thing I never cancel is to visit my mom because she’s 89. That’s when I rely on medications, starting with Ambien the night before.
Are we related? Separated at birth????

 

[FlowerChild]

I think the hardest thing about my diagnosis was learning how little I valued other peoples' views, thoughts, opinions, and interests. I put people in VERY similar situations to what I've described above, where they probably felt like I was impossible to please and I never gave them any appreciation or credit for their efforts in hospitality. While you may feel like your kids are being poorly disciplined, rude, and outrageous, they probably feel like they've worked very hard to ensure each other are having a nice time; cooking meals, buying nice beers, co-organizing a holiday, etc. To have someone there acting like they didn't do anything right would be very upsetting for them. Also, why should their whole holiday be about you and what you want? Why should their relaxation time be tailored around how you like to relax? If you don't want to have a beer or smoke a joint--then don't! But hang around, listen to their funny stories, watch your beautiful children being great siblings to each other and enjoying the company of family--these are all wonderful things to enjoy! And it's too easy to disregard all those positives as negatives simply because 'it's not what you'd do if you were them'.