If your parents divorced when you were a kid or a teenager...

[Sabrina]

... I would like to know if you have any advice for me, regarding my children's emotional well-being (I just separated from my husband and we are heading for divorce).

 

[dragoncat16]

My parents separated when I was 4 and I remember them shouting at each other, so family strife does have an effect on very young kids. If that's how you and your husband were, you are doing your kids a favour by stopping exposing them to that.

From first-hand experience, I would have to say that you really need to try to keep things friendly and cooperative between the two of you. My parents were not like that, and it really affected the way I am able to form relationships with others (i.e. I am not, and it isn't only due to my Aspergers). Don't have a long, drawn-out custody battle, but instead come to a fair agreement. Kids pick up on it when there is stuff like that going on, and they won't understand it completely at the time, but they won't forget it either. Never use your kids as a weapon to hurt each other, and don't let them think that it's their fault.

Again, that advice is all from first-hand experience and of particular importance if any of your children are on the spectrum. They learn how to interact with others primarily based on how their parents interact with each other. It really helps that you have more than one child, as they'll be able to support each other.

I hope that helps.

 

[Beguiling Orbit]

I'm so sorry for what you're having to go through, @Sabrina. Be courageous and remain optimistic. God willing, it will all work out for you and your family. I'll send up a prayer for you.

I second @dragoncat16's advice, but from a parent's perspective. My first wife and I split up when our daughter was just a baby. Even though we argued constantly and could not get along, we both made a conscious decision to mutually put our daughter first and found a way to co-parent her and shelter her from our conflicts. We never, ever, ever argued in front of her. Although her mother was very strict with visitation at first, I was patient and never missed a visitation. As our daughter got older, her mother realized that I had our daughter's best interests in mind and loosened up. She's now in her late 20s, and is an awesome, amazing person. I have always maintained a great relationship with her. Hopefully your husband puts his children first, or if not, will learn to do so in time.

Bottom line: always put your children first and you can't go wrong. If the father doesn't do the same, it becomes much more complicated, but children intuitively understand what's going on and still will appreciate your efforts.

 

[Streetwise]

... I would like to know if you have any advice for me, regarding my children's emotional well-being (I just separated from my husband and we are heading for divorce).

You've got to make sure you don't become so mentally ill! that your children have to grow up too quickly!I know that they've already suffered but that's what I would've liked to have remained a child instead of realising my mother was ill and I couldn't do that. One thing I remember I wish my mother had never said she never wanted to be with another man again.I took strength from that and when she did have another relationship I was hurt.my relationship with the man was dysfunctional.I wish she had had a faith before she began a relationship,so that she still wasn't insecure,her health wasn't good,so if I had some official situations to deal with she couldn't attend,it would've been good if I had support then.
Your children have got to know that there that there is another person or persons apart from you to depend on it was too much for my mother trying to do what I needed alone your older child needs somebody to talk to like a counsellor my sister suffered more than me she witnessed abuse,I paid for the fact that my mother was severely depressed and my sister blamed me

 

[clg114]

... I would like to know if you have any advice for me, regarding my children's emotional well-being (I just separated from my husband and we are heading for divorce).

I would have to agree with dragoncat16, particularly the part about making sure that the child does not think that it is his/hers fault. I do have a thought about what comes next. I have seen single parent situations where the parent tries to be the child's best buddy. You can be your child's friend, but you have to be their parent first. Very important.

 

[the_tortoise]

... I would like to know if you have any advice for me, regarding my children's emotional well-being (I just separated from my husband and we are heading for divorce).

Try to avoid letting your children hear you say anything bad about their dad (if you happen to be upset and venting to someone about something, for example, try to make sure your kids are out of earshot). It will help prevent them feeling like they are in the middle/involved in conflicts between you and their dad, prevent them feeling like they have to take sides.

Try to support their relationship with their dad (so long as it is a healthy one -- even if it is not a healthy one and they will not be seeing him often, if you know for a fact that he loves them and he tries, it would be good to emphasize that he loves them and he tries even though he gets it wrong a lot). Both of my parents did this -- each parent supported me having a close and loving relationship with the other parent, and made sure I knew the other parent loved and cared about me.

Share custody unless there is good reason not to, and let your children have a voice in what this looks like -- even if they are very young and/or you don't actually let them choose anything, you can still ask them what they want and how they feel ... that way you show them that their opinion matters to you enough that you want to know it, even if you don't share it/act upon it.

 

[Gracey]

Never bad mouth your husband in front of the children.

Be as honest as their understanding permits if you're asked questions about why and what happens next.

Make sure they understand that non of it is their fault.

Keep some continuity and routines going.

Keep the same rules or boundaries and remain consistent. (Some structure)

Above all, take good care of you. You'll be no use to anyone if you're run down and worn out.

 

[Sabrina]

Thank you all for your kind responses.

 

[Starfire]

@Sabrina I'm sorry to hear you are headed for divorce. It must be a very difficult, confusing and upsetting time for you and your children. I went through my parents divorcing when I was young, and I didn't see my father again until I was in my early twenties. That was his choice he knew where I was. I never had a birthday card, phone call or Christmas card from him in all those years. My mother never interfered or blocked contact in any way, although that's what I suspected was happening. When I asked him what happened, why didn't he ever contact my brother or I he said he was busy working abroad and the years just passed so quickly. He also never sent a single penny to my mother for his children's upkeep once he walked out the door.

I don't really have any further advice for you than what has been given already. I think the other people here have given some excellent and thoughtful advice and I don't think I could add anything meaningful.

I wish your children and you all the best during this painful time.