Identifying with yourself

[if6wasnin9]

Is this a symptom of autism? I've had extreme trouble feeling myself since I got very sick at 13 and was detached from myself. I think I was dissociating and had it most of the last 45 years.
I felt nothing around people and could not hold a conversation and lost all friends by age 18. Struggled real bad thru college and had 8 nervous breakdowns between 23-28 because I had no idea what was happening and felt horrible.
I've told all Drs since then what happened and they ignore me. They would resort to horrible anti-psychotics and abuse. And then tons of shock treatment which destroyed me in 1992.

 

[FayetheAspie]

Did you experience either a severe trauma or a series of traumas?

 

[if6wasnin9]

I didn't have any trauma. I started getting anxious around girls and started feeling really strange. I felt nothing around friends or family and became detached from myself and couldn't identify with myself.
I figured I had dissociative amnesia and had all 4 stages of dissociation. I told Drs at Johnson Hopkins 5 years ago and they ignored me.
I'm 60 now and still struggle trying to feel myself.
If I tell any Dr this they will think I'm psychotic.
What is wrong with me??
I felt fine before age 13.

 

[FayetheAspie]

I would have had some ideas as to some things it could potentially be, but if there's no trauma involved, I really don't know what to think the cause is. I don't know why the doctors have not looked into it either. Have you tried a different clinic?

 

[Tiffany Kate]

Dissociative conditions (NHS): Dissociative disorders

Dissociative conditions (WebMD): What Is Dissociation?

It used to be thought that "trauma" was just really big, bad, obvious things happening - like shell-shock in WWI soldiers, or the effects of going through a natural disaster. Nowadays, it's starting to be recognised that "smaller" things can be traumatic (although not as small as some social media posts would have you think... getting your name spelled wrong on your cup by a busy barista in Starbucks is not traumatic...), and major violence/abuse doesn't have to be involved.

So a natural process like an illness can be traumatic under some circumstances, probably if it's unexpected, severe, and you don't understand what's happening, or there is a lot of fear and uncertainty.

Also, there's evidence that autistic people are more prone to PTSD responses, possibly especially if you also have sensory problems and alexithymia (an inability to identify, understand, and express emotions). Plus, the whole experience of being autistic in a neurotypical world can a constant source of low-grade (or high-grade) anxiety and uncertainty, which probably doesn't help.

 

[Misty Avich]

Nope, I seem to have the opposite to that.

 

[Xinyta]

You are not alone in this, @if6wasnin9

I've been lost with my own identity most of my life so far too. Though I have been digging hard to find why everything is the way it is.

It's a mix of trama, adjustment disorder with separation anxiety, psychosis, alexithyma, and possible ASD.

Though I still am trying to find what stopped me. What causes me to be afraid to try at much of anything. Though I do suspect my issues with communication are a mix of psychological conditioning and ASD. As far as not trying to do much of anything. I'm thinking that is trama and childhood stubbornness.

I realize everyone is different in how they handle things. But this is the jist of mine, without going into detail.

 

[if6wasnin9]

What is ASD? I go in and out of reality because I have no control over how bad I feel and it causes me to lose my mind! I've told Drs at Johns Hopkins I was losing touch with reality and they ignored me! It was a barbaric place and they didn't care at all! And I've told my father I'm losing my mind because I have no control over how I feel and he doesn't understand a thing I say! So I cut him off! My parents didn't get me any help in my teens/20s when I was very sick! They love to see me suffer! So I'm going to end my life, I can't take anymore! My bday is soon and that's the perfect day to end everything! If it doesn't happen before! I'm going to teach everyone! I've been abused like mad last 35 years in all hospitals and all Drs abused and used me! Dr last year almost killed me several times and didn't care!
Clinics? I've been to every hospital between Philly-Baltimore last 35 years! And a stupid Hopkins Resident sent me to Hopkins Autism Clinic because another incompetent Resident told me I had Asperger's and didn't explain it and the Clinic was the worst healthcare I've ever received!
I've had enough of this HUGE scam!
I've complained to hospitals and they could care less!
I contacted several therapists last week that specialize in autism and they ignored me!
I saw a Dr online and she gave me a bunch of blood tests and then cancelled my appointment last week! Help doesn't exist!

 

[FayetheAspie]

Please don't. Your life matters. I still think it sounds like you may have some kind of dissociative disorder due to a past trauma. Trauma memories can become suppressed. Is there a place that specializes in trauma disorders including dissociative ones that you could check with and see what they say about your symptoms?

 

[if6wasnin9]

I've looked for years for help with dissociation and there is none. I've told everyone including Drs at Johns Hopkins and they didn't listen at all and therapists don't listen and know nothing!
I struggle every second and now my nights are horrible since I took Prozac 2 years ago!
Help doesn't exist! Nurse I saw 3 weeks ago could have cared less what meds have done to me and told me I have to live with my disorders!

 

[FayetheAspie]

Grounding Techniques: Exercises for Anxiety, PTSD, and More

I hope that you find some of these grounding techniques helpful for your dissociative symptoms.