I would like some thoughts from maybe someone in the same situation.

[NiniS29]

So it's my second time writing now here and I want to thank you all for your advice but I would also like to know if someone has some answers or was in the same shoes as me..

As it goes my boyfriend is now diagnosed as autistic he has aspergers and seems to be more open with everything now but also has a hard hard time in accepting it.. We had a lot of ups and downs.. But he said it is him no matter if it is autism or whatever it is how he is. He is a wonderful guy. Now doubt..

But we had some issues.. After two years of dating and stuff.. We decided to move in together wich he warned me before because he said the flat is to small for two and it will make him crazy. But as everyone knows. Woman have that crazy idea.. Love can go through everything.. I thought we will be ok.. Don't expect the worst... Well after a thousand meltdown on his side.. And him crawling in a shelf of defence. He said in that flat it isn't working. It was my mistake I didn't want it to see.. I did everything for him because I thought would make him more comfortable.. Wich actually made home more withdrawal because he felt guilty that he was so nasty to me.. And didn't know what to do..

We lived now since a 5 months together.. And i decided its the best I move out. Back home... Wich means we will belong distance again. But i thought it is the best so he can clear his mind and we might have the relationship back like we had before the move. He said. If we would have a bigger place it would have worked. So he is planning to sell his flat or rent it in about max 2 years and than we buy a house together..... I decided to go back home so he can recharge and i safe some money.. We will visit each other every few month again..

But what I want to know.. Due to his space issues wich made him feel trapped and he did withdraw from the relationship a bit... Is it possible we can rescue it and be happy again?

He is a great person but I'm also very scared.. To loose him.. He said we need space to appreciate each other again. And i deserve a not evil version of him.. Wich is not nice to say because due to his struggle it was not his fault.. So im here for 5 more weeks.. He tries to spend as much time as he can until i leave and is very nice and understanding but I'm just sad wich is very selfish of me.. And question if he really has feelings for me.. Wich is also stupid.. He is now i feel like the person he is. He doesn't hide things anymore or tries to be someone else. I'm very thankful that he could open up finally

I just hope I made the right desicion for a is together when the time is right

 

[tree]

Here are some links to threads where people are talking about
situations which share similarities with your relationship.

Explaining alone time in a relationship?
Dating someone with Asperger's

Dating an aspie guy
He Completely Stopped Talking to Me, What to Do?
Would you Rather Date a...
My first date went with an Aspie!
Mentally and physically exhausted HFA boyfriend - help!
My Aspergers boyfriend broke up with me... but he still wants me around
What do you do when you just can't take it anymore?

LOW SPOONS/BURNOUT?!

 

[NiniS29]

Here are some links to threads where people are talking about
situations which share similarities with your relationship.

Explaining alone time in a relationship?
Dating someone with Asperger's

Dating an aspie guy
He Completely Stopped Talking to Me, What to Do?
Would you Rather Date a...
My first date went with an Aspie!
Mentally and physically exhausted HFA boyfriend - help!
My Aspergers boyfriend broke up with me... but he still wants me around
What do you do when you just can't take it anymore?

LOW SPOONS/BURNOUT?!

Thank you very much for it

 

[Tom]

His getting a diagnosis is likely a good development for his personal progress. It is at least a step. Hopefully in the right direction. I think mainly to co-exist successfully he has to be in firm control of his expression. He is allowed to be sad/mad/frustrated, etc, but can't take that out on those close to him. Can't yell, insult, hit, etc. He has to find a different way to cope with negative feelings/stress. As far as his splitting you up to regain space and perhaps quiet, it may be just that, as those are common Aspie needs, and not actually mean something else like he doesn't like you. But no one can read minds (well except Mysterio the All Seeing...but he charges too much) so there is no way to be sure. Time should tell.

 

[NiniS29]

His getting a diagnosis is likely a good development for his personal progress. It is at least a step. Hopefully in the right direction. I think mainly to co-exist successfully he has to be in firm control of his expression. He is allowed to be sad/mad/frustrated, etc, but can't take that out on those close to him. Can't yell, insult, hit, etc. He has to find a different way to cope with negative feelings/stress. As far as his splitting you up to regain space and perhaps quiet, it may be just that, as those are common Aspie needs, and not actually mean something else like he doesn't like you. But no one can read minds (well except Mysterio the All Seeing...but he charges too much) so there is no way to be sure. Time should tell.

Thank you very much for your advice. It did take a few meltdown for him to finally go and get diagnosed everytime he was stressed due to everything at the moment.. He has two jobs.. His flat to pay of wich is very small and expensive has a car and stuff to maintain aswell as he doing his master in acoustic... Well and me being there in a small space with no real room or door to hide behind.. And i had a bad job at the first 3 months two wich made me be in the flat way more often than I want.. Wich caused us to be very bitter.. Especially him.. He is so stressed.. And i decided it is the best befor everything is lost.. And he aggreed to move in together in something that is bigger and we both own.

 

[All-Rounder]

His getting a diagnosis is likely a good development for his personal progress. It is at least a step. Hopefully in the right direction. I think mainly to co-exist successfully he has to be in firm control of his expression. He is allowed to be sad/mad/frustrated, etc, but can't take that out on those close to him. Can't yell, insult, hit, etc. He has to find a different way to cope with negative feelings/stress. As far as his splitting you up to regain space and perhaps quiet, it may be just that, as those are common Aspie needs, and not actually mean something else like he doesn't like you. But no one can read minds (well except Mysterio the All Seeing...but he charges too much) so there is no way to be sure. Time should tell.

And Eye Dog

I would advise against sharing a house legally with anyone for safety. Then most of the threads I saw about living together as an aspie it was wrong, so a better idea is living separately maybe nearby and having boundaries about helping each other clean etc. as it's not a good idea to do such for someone else cause they likely won't be satisfied with how you do it and it can start arguments. Unless you already moved together sharing the same house.

 

[NiniS29]

And Eye Dog

I would advise against sharing a house legally with anyone for safety. Then most of the threads I saw about living together as an aspie it was wrong, so a better idea is living separately maybe nearby and having boundaries about helping each other clean etc. as it's not a good idea to do such for someone else cause they likely won't be satisfied with how you do it and it can start arguments. Unless you already moved together sharing the same house.

That's kind of true but we found our routine in who does what. And he is very thankfull when I clean for him.. Im normally a very neat person to.. He just said.. I don't regret trying in that's space though and we do get along well. But just the space makes him crazy he said. The flat is very small it's one room with a open wall separat it into living and sleeping /working space for him.. Wich was not the best idea for me to be so for it to make it work.. When i did see he struggled.. I feel sorry afterwards and like its all my fault... I did give him all the space I could under that condition and even got a job where I would work later so he has evening mist for himself.. But was not enough

 

[Fino]

He's autistic, has two jobs, is working on his Masters, AND he's alive, all at the same time?? He's a super aspie!

Holy moly, I typed all that then realized that I'm doing the exact same thing LOL I did not see that coming.

 

[NiniS29]

He's autistic, has two jobs, is working on his Masters, AND he's alive, all at the same time?? He's a super aspie!

Holy moly, I typed all that then realized that I'm doing the exact same thing LOL I did not see that coming.

Yea sounds weird isn't it. But his second job and master involves his big hobby and live music.. So he is pretty much in the zone but when it comes to other things he is overwhelmed..
He always says he doesn't do enough but than can't take it and cancel things

 

[Fino]

The endless battle between the expectations we set for ourselves and the reality we get slapped in the face with again and again.

 

[NiniS29]

The endless battle between the expectations we set for ourselves and the reality we get slapped in the face with again and again.

Exactly.. He can't handle it and likes to run away from all of it to recharge.. But after that it is the same.. Again. Even for me all the stuff is alot..

 

[Rectify]

The endless battle between the expectations we set for ourselves and the reality we get slapped in the face with again and again.

I'm beginning to understand myself more from being on here. Wow.

 

[SusanLR]

I call it the Aspie conundrum.
I want the feeling of someone close by, but, I don't like to feel so close that I feel
controlled by the other person.
Always having to take into consideration that my time revolves around an US.
This is the first time in my life I've lived with someone outside my parents.
He just can't understand why I need time alone instead of doing everything together.

It was much nicer when I used to live across the street from the guy I was dating.
I never felt I had to think about my life interacting with his all the time, so the
time we were together was much more appreciated.
Neither of us could tolerate that living together means they are always a presence that's always
on your mind.
That type of relationship lasted for almost 20 years.
I've live with the guy I'm with now for 7 years and not a day goes past that everything
I do always has him in mind. And everyday he says something that ends in feeling angry or
insulted.

 

[NiniS29]

I call it the Aspie conundrum.
I want the feeling of someone close by, but, I don't like to feel so close that I feel
controlled by the other person.
Always having to take into consideration that my time revolves around an US.
This is the first time in my life I've lived with someone outside my parents.
He just can't understand why I need time alone instead of doing everything together.

It was much nicer when I used to live across the street from the guy I was dating.
I never felt I had to think about my life interacting with his all the time, so the
time we were together was much more appreciated.
Neither of us could tolerate that living together means they are always a presence that's always
on your mind.
That type of relationship lasted for almost 20 years.
I've live with the guy I'm with now for 7 years and not a day goes past that everything
I do always has him in mind. And everyday he says something that ends in feeling angry or
insulted.

I know what you mean.. I made exactly that mistake.. When i didn't know he had asperger and also he didn't.. Late diagnosis he is 39 now.. I just couldn't explain some of his behaviour or withdrawal in the past. Now everything made sense.. We had such a great relationship but we were to far.

The things is. I made the mistake after not seeing him for almost 5 month.. And always just little I thought let's do everything together. I cooked all the time.. Waited for him when he was home wanted to go out and do things that were fun I thought.. But i just made him feel so trapped and i didn't know... I realized pretty soon it was my fault and gave him a lot of space. But when his private stuff would be to much and i would be there alos demanding time.. He would withdraw himself more and more.. Until he went away one day for a week to recharge.. Wich was the point for me to see that that space is never going to be enough for us both to be happy so I decided to be the smarter one and move out. And give him his space back.. Everything seems to be better now.. Since my move out date is Sat but somehow he also seems not happy about it aether..

 

[TheAnswer]

So it's my second time writing now here and I want to thank you all for your advice but I would also like to know if someone has some answers or was in the same shoes as me..

As it goes my boyfriend is now diagnosed as autistic he has aspergers and seems to be more open with everything now but also has a hard hard time in accepting it.. We had a lot of ups and downs.. But he said it is him no matter if it is autism or whatever it is how he is. He is a wonderful guy. Now doubt..

But we had some issues.. After two years of dating and stuff.. We decided to move in together wich he warned me before because he said the flat is to small for two and it will make him crazy. But as everyone knows. Woman have that crazy idea.. Love can go through everything.. I thought we will be ok.. Don't expect the worst... Well after a thousand meltdown on his side.. And him crawling in a shelf of defence. He said in that flat it isn't working. It was my mistake I didn't want it to see.. I did everything for him because I thought would make him more comfortable.. Wich actually made home more withdrawal because he felt guilty that he was so nasty to me.. And didn't know what to do..

We lived now since a 5 months together.. And i decided its the best I move out. Back home... Wich means we will belong distance again. But i thought it is the best so he can clear his mind and we might have the relationship back like we had before the move. He said. If we would have a bigger place it would have worked. So he is planning to sell his flat or rent it in about max 2 years and than we buy a house together..... I decided to go back home so he can recharge and i safe some money.. We will visit each other every few month again..

But what I want to know.. Due to his space issues wich made him feel trapped and he did withdraw from the relationship a bit... Is it possible we can rescue it and be happy again?

He is a great person but I'm also very scared.. To loose him.. He said we need space to appreciate each other again. And i deserve a not evil version of him.. Wich is not nice to say because due to his struggle it was not his fault.. So im here for 5 more weeks.. He tries to spend as much time as he can until i leave and is very nice and understanding but I'm just sad wich is very selfish of me.. And question if he really has feelings for me.. Wich is also stupid.. He is now i feel like the person he is. He doesn't hide things anymore or tries to be someone else. I'm very thankful that he could open up finally

I just hope I made the right desicion for a is together when the time is right

Hello NiniS29,

I read all the posts here and I was thinking about something.
You’re planning to buy a house together, but what if this discomfort of his part persists?

I think he’s the type that need to get used to a situation very gradually, which means that even if he of his part also wants to live together with you, maybe you should try to move in together by you coming every weekend then adding days gradually in the following weeks or months, until he gets used to you, used to the idea that he shares his space with you.
I don’t know if it this is really his case, but I think this move to live together was too abrupt to him.

You said he has two jobs. From my part, I had a job as Technician Support in a international enterprise working a looot, with a crazy shift, like morning then night shift, then sometimes 6 days consecutives...the tiredness of my work and my body influenced my relationship with my family and others, and my gentleness and softness I had almost disappeared. I wasn’t down to listen or to make any deal.
Is his two jobs good? Does he likes it? Does he feels overtired? Is he really processing your new phase together?

Only a thought of my part. I think you should also consider these possibilities.

I wish the best for both you!

 

[NiniS29]

Hello NiniS29,

I read all the posts here and I was thinking about something.
You’re planning to buy a house together, but what if this discomfort of his part persists?

I think he’s the type that need to get used to a situation very gradually, which means that even if he of his part also wants to live together with you, maybe you should try to move in together by you coming every weekend then adding days gradually in the following weeks or months, until he gets used to you, used to the idea that he shares his space with you.
I don’t know if it this is really his case, but I think this move to live together was too abrupt to him.

You said he has two jobs. From my part, I had a job as Technician Support in a international enterprise working a looot, with a crazy shift, like morning then night shift, then sometimes 6 days consecutives...the tiredness of my work and my body influenced my relationship with my family and others, and my gentleness and softness I had almost disappeared. I wasn’t down to listen or to make any deal.
Is his two jobs good? Does he likes it? Does he feels overtired? Is he really processing your new phase together?

Only a thought of my part. I think you should also consider these possibilities.

I wish the best for both you!

Thank you so much.. For the reply.
We were long distance for 2 years first so we visit each other for a week or so every 3 months.. And than a bit longer.. So when I had my holiday I would stay a month once a year and so would he..

It was a bit abrupt but he had the idea first because we get along well on one side but there on the other side is the space issue it's way to small for two wich made him feel not conformable.. But like you said.. He feels tired and he changed so much.. Also because of all the situation.. Since he got diagnosed wich he didn't really accept that much.. He changed more like a different person. He now seems like he doesn't like being hugged out of the now we're and doesn't like to touch you that much and is very withdrawn and is always changing around stuff and throwing things away that he liked and now doesn't and than again and so on..
We had a talk recently where he said generally he liked living with me and we get along well he just doesn't like the sma space we are in and it drives him crazy because no door no room to separate and to small..
But he said he would like to live with me in a bigger space. When he can move out....

We will continue now for awhile like u said with slowly spending time again..

He doesn't like all of his jobs.. Just the music one but it doenst pay all the bills.. So he has to drive a lot and stuff with his engineering job wich he is not amused about...

He seem to got more tricky now like a different person... I kind of have the feeling that this is who he really is

 

[TheAnswer]

It was a bit abrupt but he had the idea first because we get along well on one side but there on the other side is the space issue it's way to small for two wich made him feel not conformable.. But like you said.. He feels tired and he changed so much.. Also because of all the situation.. Since he got diagnosed wich he didn't really accept that much.. He changed more like a different person. He now seems like he doesn't like being hugged out of the now we're and doesn't like to touch you that much and is very withdrawn and is always changing around stuff and throwing things away that he liked and now doesn't and than again and so on..

Well, maybe a bigger space will help him a lot...
Two years ago I fell in love with someone at work and as I couldn’t handle my feelings and the situation, I closed myself and acted a little like your partner...but I can tell you that I was acting with her very differently to what I was, being closed, sometimes cold, irritated, etc, but inside of me I was suffering a lot with that...the frustration of not handling that situation...I was constantly searching for things I could do.
And I tried to prove myself I could handle it or simply change things by acting differently, making other efforts, which was not the best thing I’ve done at all, it only brang me more anxiety, more stress and more frustrations, at a point I isolated myself of people.
Well, for now, I still need to go for a diagnosis and see if I really have aspergers (which I think it might be the case), and if it’s the case, this is gonna be such a relief for me, so I will finally handle myself better.

A bigger house certainly will be good for both of you.
Concerning the way he is acting now, you would need to see if this situation is not getting the worst out of him...there are things and situations that take the best inside of us, but others that make us show our worst side.

Well, anyway again, I wish the best for you, hope you can fix this situation together as soon as possible!

 

[NiniS29]

Well, maybe a bigger space will help him a lot...
Two years ago I fell in love with someone at work and as I couldn’t handle my feelings and the situation, I closed myself and acted a little like your partner...but I can tell you that I was acting with her very differently to what I was, being closed, sometimes cold, irritated, etc, but inside of me I was suffering a lot with that...the frustration of not handling that situation...I was constantly searching for things I could do.
And I tried to prove myself I could handle it or simply change things by acting differently, making other efforts, which was not the best thing I’ve done at all, it only brang me more anxiety, more stress and more frustrations, at a point I isolated myself of people.
Well, for now, I still need to go for a diagnosis and see if I really have aspergers (which I think it might be the case), and if it’s the case, this is gonna be such a relief for me, so I will finally handle myself better.

A bigger house certainly will be good for both of you.
Concerning the way he is acting now, you would need to see if this situation is not getting the worst out of him...there are things and situations that take the best inside of us, but others that make us show our worst side.

Well, anyway again, I wish the best for you, hope you can fix this situation together as soon as possible!

I hope you are feeling better now.. He was diagnosed recently so he still is battling with accepting the kondition.. But he knows something was different..

What you said here is exactly how he said it to and did.. He did want to live with me.. Despite this small place even when he knew that would happen.. And he tried to handle it with other ways and escapes. And got different and distance himself so much.. And also he told me after we had this big talk after all and the diagnosis that he felt so bad and guilty for not giving me what I deserve because he couldn't simply he felt so trapped and ungrateful... Thats why he did withdraw and couldn't handle all the stress and emotions also of me.. But its way better now. We decided to do it that way until we both have the space we need to be happy around each other.... I wish you all the best aswell..