I want to escape from myself

[Metalhead]

I have more issues than Sports Illustrated, and more perversions than half the Internet - screw the other half, I am not quite there yet, but I still do not like what I have.

Alcohol and weed does not help. I have a God sized hole, I am willing to accept. I can turn to God for a few days, and all it takes is a bad day at work to get me back into my old ways. This is BS on my part. I am weak, I know it.

I feel a vast emptiness in my soul. No amount of dopamine can fill it up. No amount of alcohol or THC can fill it up. All of my material possessions mean absolutely nothing in the face of this. Sex means nothing. Only my close friendships and attempting a relationship with God means anything to me these days. But I cannot rely on myself for much of anything, it seems, and I hate myself because of that.

I am seesawing between a sense of enlightenment and a sense of existential nihilism. Maybe I am also bipolar on top of being autistic. Who knows?

 

[Wolfsage]

May know something that can help.
There's an old animated movie called the Price of Egypt. See if it helps.
Also try Audiomachine on YouTube. Very good music. Much help.

 

[BrokenBoy]

Do you see a therapist?

 

[Thinx]

I don't personally think joining a religion is being in relationship with God. It shows in your life whether you are. Your volunteer work, for example, and how you care about and relate to others and the world, and yourself. What do you care about? It's difficult to properly love ourselves after sustained abuse, because who we are and all our fine qualities has been ignored by others. But whatever you call it, who you are is there. I'm thinking about Star Wars now, and the storm troopers who wouldn't fire on unarmed civilians. The Force is with us...

 

[Misery]

Alcohol and weed does not help.

Not only does it not help, but it's very likely part of the problem.

Everyone I've known who uses these ends up in the same position you're in.

They all think it helps simply because it feels good in the moment. In reality though, it does the opposite. And it can accumulate, which is even worse.

You wanna REALLY start feeling better... dump those.

Drink lots of water instead and get some sun instead. Lack of those two things can really mess with your mood and mental state.

 

[BrokenBoy]

Not only does it not help, but it's very likely part of the problem.

Everyone I've known who uses these ends up in the same position you're in.

They all think it helps simply because it feels good in the moment. In reality though, it does the opposite. And it can accumulate, which is even worse.

You wanna REALLY start feeling better... dump those.

Drink lots of water instead and get some sun instead. Lack of those two things can really mess with your mood and mental state.

It's hyperbolic to put weed in the same risk category as beer. It wouldn't start to become legalized if it's as dangerous as you're implying.

Weed addiction/dependency is also nowhere as common to begin with as say, opioids.

 

[Misery]

It's hyperbolic to put weed in the same risk category as beer. It wouldn't start to become legalized if it's as dangerous as you're implying.

Ah, but along that line of logic: Alcohol IS dangerous (dependency, addiction, drunk driving, aggression, outright liver failure, list goes on).... but it's also very legal. Cigarettes, which can outright kill you via a very, VERY slow and painful death (they are *literal* poison, and one that is WAY worse than it sounds; I lost family members to that awhile back, and... "bad" doesnt describe what happens), are also legal. It's not about danger. It's about money and legislation. Dont ever believe for a second that lawmakers do what they do purely because of safety.

That being said, you are at least correct about that specific thing being far less dangerous, so I'll retract that bit. For whatever reason I tend to lump the two together mentally. Odd. But then, I dont always entirely make sense, do I? Warped as I am.

At the very least, "dump the alcohol" remains my advice.

I cant say much for opioids. Sure hear a lot about them though. I guess they must be bad? That bit is outside of my knowledge. All I know about that is that it's apparently a very large, generalized category of medication? Yes? Maybe? Never understood medicine-related stuff, I just take whatever bloody stupid pills the docs think I should take even if they dont appear to do anything. That's a whole other rant though.

 

[BrokenBoy]

Ah, but along that line of logic: Alcohol IS dangerous (dependency, addiction, drunk driving, aggression, outright liver failure, list goes on).... but it's also very legal. Cigarettes, which can outright kill you via a very, VERY slow and painful death (they are *literal* poison, and one that is WAY worse than it sounds; I lost family members to that awhile back, and... "bad" doesnt describe what happens), are also legal. It's not about danger. It's about money and legislation. Dont ever believe for a second that lawmakers do what they do purely because of safety.

That being said, you are at least correct about that specific thing being far less dangerous, so I'll retract that bit. For whatever reason I tend to lump the two together mentally. Odd. But then, I dont always entirely make sense, do I? Warped as I am.

At the very least, "dump the alcohol" remains my advice.

I cant say much for opioids. Sure hear a lot about them though. I guess they must be bad? That bit is outside of my knowledge. All I know about that is that it's apparently a very large, generalized category of medication? Yes? Maybe? Never understood medicine-related stuff, I just take whatever bloody stupid pills the docs think I should take even if they dont appear to do anything. That's a whole other rant though.

Eh it's alright man.

I've just been familar with the various substances one can do and their impacts due to knowing a lot of addicts all throughout my life. I just wanted to set the record straight here, not get into an argument or whatever.

 

[SusanLR]

That empty hole inside feeling is depressing.
I never did drugs or very heavy drinking. Don't drink at all anymore.

It feels to me more like a co-dependence.
Alone I feel empty. How do you make friends with yourself? That seems to be how it feels to me.
Only when I'm with someone I feel close to do I feel complete and whole.
Currently I have no one that I feel that way with either, so, that feeling of wanting to escape
from self is there. No matter what I am doing.

Rather hard to explain and seemingly impossible to get rid of.

 

[AprilR]

I have felt similar things in the past. Look up "dark night of the soul", it resonated a lot with me. Maybe it will help you too.

 

[artful_aspie]

You can as I have reach an age in years where you do stop bothering. Don't do weed, booze, or God! They are passing things. Millions of deities have been buried in the archaeological record, weed makes for mental health issues, especially for people with ASD, & drink is expensive & makes you obnoxious. Better to take up some exercise, find some hobbies to obsess over. Give up bothering with all the stupid that eats at your brain. Most of it is inflicted by careless comments from others, talking poorly to yourself, & engaging with trying to fix stuff out of your control.

 

[Mia]

There is a tendency in many people to self-soothe, in whatever way that appeals to them. It could be shopping, gaming, eating, alcohol, drugs, gambling. It quiets and even protects the exiled child in us.

That inner child is the one that needs to be related to, I've said this before and I'll say it again. It's a tough and long process, to dialogue with your inner child, to parent it, understand it, and work toward healing. It might take a lifetime. But it's time well spent.

 

[OkRad]

I would say get a good textbook on sociology before you berate yourself and feel you are to blame. When you see what forces are causing people to fall into certain categories and the extent to which the powerful forces retain their power, wow----

You will see you are not to blame when you are given so few choices relative to those of the wealthy and powerful. But you do still have choices, limited tough they may be and you can move within those choices to help form society.

Get a current text and see how society presses in on you and then how you can influence society in a creative and effective way. I can suggest some good ones if you like.

Sociology made more sense to me than psychology in deciphering why people emerge where they do on most measurements. It was very scary to read and then infuriating, and then empowering.

 

[Metalhead]

Yeah, I know the beer is definitely not helping me out one bit. I also know I should cut it out. I can easily go through a 12-pack of IPAs over the course of a single weekend by myself. That is problematic.

My inner child feels a pervasive spiritual sting. Mainly because my blood family is made up of mostly horrible people. In any case. I have a therapy appointment tomorrow after work.

 

[BrokenBoy]

Yeah, I know the beer is definitely not helping me out one bit. I also know I should cut it out. I can easily go through a 12-pack of IPAs over the course of a single weekend by myself. That is problematic.

My inner child feels a pervasive spiritual sting. Mainly because my blood family is made up of mostly horrible people. In any case. I have a therapy appointment tomorrow after work.

Have you considered going to AA?

 

[Metalhead]

Have you considered going to AA?

I am an active member in a different 12-step fellowship, and it was advised to me to only work in one fellowship at a time. Knowing myself, I would shop for the least restrictive advice from sponsors between different fellowships out there.

 

[Fino]

Do you read the Bible at all? You should read the book of John!

 

[artful_aspie]

I have never met a family that was not horrible. Oh yes, the attacks will begin! Tough! My family was terrible & I have never, ever met a family that did not contain some perverse & strange members. Actually, it is time to reinvent the family. It seems to me that every time people try to live an alternative lifestyle or try something different they are attacked by bigots & people afraid for the children. Rubbish, Australian Indigenous Peoples share child rearing, the Israelis had their Kibbutz communal child rearing, & the Montessouri system of teaching also encourages self-development in the child. Unfortunately, these systems have been diminished not because they were or are bad, but to suit some idiotic concerned citizen who had to destroy something beautiful. People with troubled minds are reflecting a troubled world because they take too much notice of it. Find some peace through activities that are not self-destructive & are creative. Meaning of life is not difficult: communication, service, & understanding. Look at each & see where your problems exists. What service are you offering, how do you communicate & expect others to do so, & understanding what triggers your depressions?

 

[BrokenBoy]

Do you read the Bible at all? You should read the book of John!

The bible is lame.

 

[Markness]

Both my immediate and extended families have histories of alcoholism and smoking. I am surprised I didn’t inherit any of the tendencies to do so.

Yeah, I know the beer is definitely not helping me out one bit. I also know I should cut it out. I can easily go through a 12-pack of IPAs over the course of a single weekend by myself. That is problematic.

My inner child feels a pervasive spiritual sting. Mainly because my blood family is made up of mostly horrible people. In any case. I have a therapy appointment tomorrow after work.

My older brother has a brewing business. The amount of beer he goes through gives him a “dad bod”.