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Joshua the Writer

Very Nerdy Guy, Any Pronouns
V.I.P Member
I would like to be more open about having autism, both on the internet AND offline with my peers and other friends.

My Autism has always been a major insecurity for me, and I'm trying to find a healthier way of being less insecure about it than the way I used to try to feel more secure about my Autism before.

I wasn't always a kind person on the internet. Since I was insecure about my autism, I took it out on other people by posting offensive and tasteless things and making agressive and mean comments on other people's posts on (cringe warning) Google+. If you somehow don't know what Google+ was, it was basically a Google's own social media network, and it was terrible and where memes went to die. I was being inappropriate on there from when I was 12 to when I was 14 years old.

My mom discovered that I was cyber-bullying people on Google+ and deleted my Google+ account, and I am glad that she did. I wasn't behaving in a healthy manner on there.

In either late October or early November 2017, I did something (I am not comfortable with talking about what that something was right now) that made my parents get me a therapist to make sure I am mentally sound.

Jump to early December 2017, and I started cutting myself. I started with my upper thighs, then my abdominal region, and then immediately started cutting my own wrist. My mom noticed the then-recent scabs on my wrist when I was in the car and handing her something. She noticed it through the sleeve of the sweater I was wearing. It was early January by the time she noticed, and we were dropping my sister off at college at that time.

My mom then took me to my room and asked what was wrong once me and my parents got back home. I told her how I felt about myself, but not without stalling for a couple minutes. She followed up with my therapist. That helped me out a ton, and I now no longer want to hurt myself like that. The scars on my wrist are small and barely noticeable, if you were wondering.

For the last few months, I have been trying to be more open about my autism. I believe coming out as autistic on the internet and also to my peers will help me more secure about myself in a much more healthy way than the unhealthy, fake solutions I have tried before. I am now almost 16 years old and am happy, despite still having to make a ton of improvements myself. However, I do know that I can improve as long as I keep my mind to it.

I know that some of you may be atheist or practice a different religion than Christianity, but I believe that God has created me with my autism for a reason, and is the only person that has understood me and the way I think without having to learn how. Even though I haven't really believed in God until a couple months after my 15th birthday last year, I now know that God loves me.

In early December 2018, I went to youth group (if you don't know what that is, it's probably just a thing only American churches or only certain types of churches do for kids in 6th-12th grade) for the first time since 6th grade (I am in 10th grade now). I am still getting used to it, but everything does take time. I went to one of the Youth leaders there who is one of the adults that talks to the small group of high school guys I have been placed in, mostly because the other youth leaders were busy talking to other people. However, it was most likely God's plan for him to be not busy talking to other people at that time.

The dude's name is Luke. He is an Iraq veteran (forgot what he did, but he said that it had something to do with helping out with vehicular navigation), is middle-aged, and I trust him. He told me that a thing called TheBibleProject (check it out, it has an official site, as well as a YouTube channel, Android and iPhone apps, and podcasts on wherever you get your music digitally). He is a kind person, and I am considering to ask him if he can be my mentor.

I took my first communion before the pastor's sermon this week (Sunday, February 10, 2019, for those who are reading this in the future). My parents are very supportive of my decision, and are willing to help me learn anything I am having trouble understanding as needed.

During this week's youth group, I was in small groups, and Luke told me and the other guys in the room to write down a question on a piece of paper, He got to my question, which read something like, "I have autism, and I am having trouble understanding the bible. Any advice?" he tried to read it out while trying not to say the autism part, and tried, like, 3 different ways of wording it before I told him that he can read out the question as I have written it. He complimented I was brave to say that and be open about something that I have been insecure about. Church is a judgement-free zone.

I am now doing better, and am improving and am starting to feel better about myself. I no longer feel depressed, and am looking forward to a bright future.

Also, to everybody else reading this, especially my fellow dudes, listen up: Talking about your friends and family about your emotions, vulnerabilities, insecurities, feelings, and anything else that is bothering you DOES NOT MAKE YOU "WEAK" OR "UNMANLY!" Talking about things you are struggling and dealing with is the bravest and manliest thing any guy can every do. Talking to your friends about your struggles reveals your true strength. Don't believe it when another man says, "I never cry." They're lying. Always keep that in mind. I wish you luck.
Yeah. Even though somebody in the comments section of whatever I am using may make fun of me for it, who cares? It is just their opinion.

I think it is brave! And whoever would make fun of you is not worth your time. I know that's easier to say than to truly feel but life really is short and if you can help from feeling bad about it, you're life will be a happier one (I think). :)
Yeah. Even though somebody in the comments section of whatever I am using may make fun of me for it, who cares? It is just their opinion.
Yeah, I agree. Life IS way too short to be bothered by what people say about you online. As long as it's not false information and accusations that can seriously ruin my life, I do not care about what anybody says at all. Bullies only try to bring others down because they are insecure, themselves.

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