I think my sister-in-law can't stand me

[onlything]

So, she is my brother's wife and my nephew's mother. And well, I think she really doesn't like me and I simply don't know why. It's not because of something she says or does, she's a warm and kindhearted person for most and too much of a polite one to say anything rude to someone. But, that's the thing. If she told me what's wrong, I would know what to do to make her more comfortable. She's an important person for two people I love, so of course, I want our relationship to be good.

I tend to learn about how people think of me by comparing their behaviour towards me and towards others. She smiles a lot and she's warm - not to me, however. If she smiles towards me, it's mostly this kind of patronising, disapproving smile you give to someone you don't really want to see or the kind where you want to say something but won't because it would be rude. There's also something in her voice that makes me feel bad whenever she speaks to me, something I can't put my fingers on. As if she was annoyed or angry for some reason and yet I know that if I asked about it, she would just say that everything is fine.

Maybe it comes from how different we are. She's a very softspoken, gentle and 'girly' woman, short and sweet. I am tall, eccentric, tomboyish and rude, clumsy or awkward without meaning to.

Maybe it's because she's very family oriented and I - a sister, an aunt and a godmother - live in a completely different country from them and visit them so rarely and for short periods of time. For her, a family should meet often and do everything together and I am not fitting into that scheme. Then, there is nothing I can do with it at the moment - not for at least three or four years more. I suppose that is one of my shortcomings - I have a plan for these years and I'm not going to stop because someone disapproves of my being away.

Maybe it's something my brother told her throughout the years. However, it started to be like this in the last year or two, so in the time when the relationship between us siblings vastly improved.

I know that I have a character that is difficult to accept or understand by NT women(or men but especially women). I am stubborn, distant, strange, obtrusive at time. This may be another reason. I just want to keep our relationship civil at least if not warm. Every time an NT female behaved like this towards me, it would get worse and worse and that's not something I want to happen - potentially causing division between us and my brother and nephew. I know that, in the end, they would choose her and I don't want our relationship deteriorating again.

So, I'm asking for some advice. Are there some unwritten rules I should abide by? Are there some ways to recognise why is she seemingly angry with me or why does she dislike me without asking (because I know her and she would never give a straight answer)? Do you know some way of improving our relationship?

 

[Mia]

Sometimes, women we know don't like us but only tolerate us. Often we are the opposite of who they are, and it sounds like that's the case. My sister in law is diametrically opposite to myself. We don't get along all that well. But we tolerate one another for the sake of the brothers. She is judging you for who you are as a person, which is awful. And there is nothing you can do about it. Spending time with her, might help, but then again it might not.

You might get some answers from your brother, concerning this. Although the information may not be helpful, only derogatory and he might even not have noticed. Neither of my brothers ex-wives liked me at all and I didn't like them. My brother is a kind, gentle, quiet guy who abhors any kind of drama. He only wants to watch the game with a beer or two, much like my dad did and for the home to be peaceful. His ex-wives were always wanting something more, more money, more house, more, more, more. Likely why they divorced.

Do know that women I don't like tend toward being loud and aggressive bullies. So that if I encounter anyone like that, I avoid them. They are the opposite of myself, and I lack that aggressive streak unless I have no choice.

It may be that your sister in law, sees you as an opposite to her. But behind that gentle demeanor, there is actually something else that is more it's opposite. It's possible that she might have subsumed some of qualities you have, but is fearful of them manifesting in herself and therefore dislikes them. It seems somewhat true for some people in the world.

 

[GadAbout]

It might not be that she dislikes you. It might be that you get on her nerves. Those are different things.

Aside from doing a better job of masking, I don't know what to tell you. We don't know her, and anything would just be a guess.

Maybe you could ask your brother how you may be annoying her, and what you could do to improve the relationship?

 

[some/aspies/need/hugs/13]

I have a sister in law that I don't get along with honestly she was rude and mean to me until she got my brother to cut off ties with me my plan is to actually start using pay phones to leave messages for my brother. Also I have to say she was a lot more disrespectful from the beginning honestly I have to say that you may have something repairable here sounds like a small issue not a major one.

 

[Gracey]

I tolerate all of my sisters in law...
And there are a number of them.
My brothers collect ex wives like loyalty card points.
(Have to wonder if the tenth marriage will be free at the registry office)

It's okay for my SILs to be themselves, and me to be me. We don't expect anything from each other.

The only social circles we share are family so it's unlikely we will spend a lot of time in each others company.
Doesn't affect my relationship with my brothers or husband.
That appears to suit all of us


Any advice?
Give it time and interaction

A genuinely warm and open person would accept all with open arms and caring I think.
Non judgemental.

Maybe there's something on her mind?
A grudge held?
Something from way back?

Have you tried reaching out and asking her?

You may have to listen to her opinion and interpretation of past events,
If you think you can handle that; without it driving a wedge between you, she may feel better once she's got it off her chest and the air cleared, so to speak.

But don't let her use any opinion or judgement as a stick to beat you with or manipulate you forever more.
You don't deserve that

You think you're rude, clumsy, tomboyish...
So what?
Not a good enough reason to dislike or be 'off' with someone, in my humble opinion

 

[Pats]

Sometimes people just clash and there's no real reason behind it. But in laws can be challenging because you have to be nice and, at least, pretend to like whether you do or not, whether you clash, or if one of them's just mean.
My sister in law would refuse to come to family gatherings, saying she was NOT one of us and would actually pretend to not know me and my mom if we seen her out somewhere. She's a snob and I was fine with her not being one of us. Sad thing is, I used to defend her to others that didn't like her rudeness and arrogance.

 

[Creep]

I wish I knew. I have challenging relationships with family members too. Interpersonal relationships generally are challenging for me. How long have you known her? Maybe she just needs to get used to you? It’s difficult to speculate without hearing her side & the sides of trusted bystanders. Good luck.

 

[onlything]

My brother is a kind, gentle, quiet guy who abhors any kind of drama. He only wants to watch the game with a beer or two, much like my dad did and for the home to be peaceful. His ex-wives were always wanting something more, more money, more house, more, more, more. Likely why they divorced.

Do know that women I don't like tend toward being loud and aggressive bullies. So that if I encounter anyone like that, I avoid them. They are the opposite of myself, and I lack that aggressive streak unless I have no choice.

It may be that your sister in law, sees you as an opposite to her. But behind that gentle demeanor, there is actually something else that is more it's opposite. It's possible that she might have subsumed some of qualities you have, but is fearful of them manifesting in herself and therefore dislikes them. It seems somewhat true for some people in the world.

How you describe you're brother - it sounds a lot like her. Not with the beer and TV, she's more of a wine or juice and a romantic comedy kind of a person, but someone that lives for a simple, quiet, family life. I'm not sure if it's just with me, but there is always drama when I come back, especially with my parents, more often over me than against each other. The situation tends to implode, I dissolve it or leave when I cannot and then my brother comes to clean up the mess. I try to keep him out of it but it still happens and I can imagine why she would dislike me on that principle.

I'm trying to make it easier on him but I'm weak. There are times I simply can't stay. It probably looks really bad for an outsider, to think.

Still, she's gentle and patient. It's difficult to imagine it being different, to be honest. I know I can be oblivious but she always seems and feels so soft and kind. Annoyed at times, sure, but never mean or cruel. If she's pretending to be like that, then she's an amazing actor.

I admire many of her qualities. I'd rather they be true.

Maybe you could ask your brother how you may be annoying her, and what you could do to improve the relationship?

I'm not sure if talking to my brother is a good idea. Our relationship is not that good yet. Or maybe I just can't expect his reaction or trust his judgment - for all that he's different from our father, I know from experience how unnecessarily cruel he can be. I don't want another argument on our hands in case of him getting offended in her stead, especially with how brittle everything is at the moment. I also especially don't want him interrogating her in that sharp way of his if he decided to get to the bottom of it. I don't want her hurt just because I have some doubts.

Still, I will think about it. Maybe there is some delicate, roundabout way I can ask him about it. It's definitely something to think about.

Maybe there's something on her mind?
A grudge held?
Something from way back?

It may be a grudge of some kind, to be honest. Me and my brother - we used to have quite a bad relationship and fought and argued a lot throughout the years. I know that she was his sole confidant for more than seven years before their marriage. It may be that she didn't like me for longer than I realise - I can be rather oblivious, for once, and we didn't really spend much time together before me and my brother started talking again. But then, shouldn't she have a grudge against the rest of the family as well, our father especially? Maybe she just sees me as not good enough due to how little time I spend with my godson outside the potential grudge. It is possible but if so, I don't know what to do with that. I can't come back to the country.

Talking to her about possible grudge from the past would mean talking about the relationship between our family members through the years - the kind of dirt we never speak about. I'm not sure it's a good idea. Also, from what I know of her, she would probably say that everything is fine and that no, she's not angry. She never speaks ill about anyone or to anyone.

If it's a grudge, I hope that the change in my attitude would convince her that I am - that we are - better people now, trying to solve the issues. It's quite a pity for a soft person like her to get into a mess of a family like ours.

If it's the 'absent aunt' thing, I'm trying to be there as often as I'm able to and to remember all of the important dates. I'm not good at that but I'm trying to improve.

Talking... I'm no good at talking. I don't want to talk. Also, she has the eyes that tell me she doesn't want to talk to me - and I know when I'm not wanted.

My sister in law would refuse to come to family gatherings, saying she was NOT one of us and would actually pretend to not know me and my mom if we seen her out somewhere. She's a snob and I was fine with her not being one of us. Sad thing is, I used to defend her to others that didn't like her rudeness and arrogance.

That sounds tough. The thing with my in-law is that she's not a bad person. In fact, she's quite a sweet one, rarely mean or cruel to anyone. She's just... cold to me like she's not cold to others which is quite unfortunate since I rather like her myself. I suppose I admire some of her qualities as well and envy her a bit. She's the kind of daughter my parents always wanted and I accept it.

I wish I knew. I have challenging relationships with family members too. Interpersonal relationships generally are challenging for me. How long have you known her? Maybe she just needs to get used to you? It’s difficult to speculate without hearing her side & the sides of trusted bystanders. Good luck.

I don't even know how long it already was. More than a decade for sure. I was still a teenager when they got together for the first time... and a rather apathetic one. We didn't talk much until me and my brother started talking again some five years ago, then they got married and suddenly wanted me to be the godmother... And now we're here, with not a hostile but a rather cold relationship, the only connection between us being a man and a toddler we both love. I just... don't want it to degrade. I suppose it's quite egoistic from me since I just don't want to loose the kid and my brother in case she decided she couldn't stand my being the godmother in the end. Although it doesn't sound like her but then, people often do things you'd never expect them to. It's probably my lack of trust talking.

The kind of person she is... A gentle, softspoken and kind one. Warm towards most. Polite towards everyone. Never rude or awkward. A very feminine lady and an intelligent one, working in economy and banking before she got pregnant, appreciated by the colleagues from what I observed. Also, focused on the home, family and her husband and child, quite religious as well. To be honest, my brother got really lucky with her.

It's quite easy to see how we could clash - we're literal opposites after all. Where she's soft, I tend to be rough around the edges. Where she's warm, I can be quite apathetic, although I do try to smile more and tell and show people I care for them, especially my brother. Where she finds family the most important thing and would never leave them, I left the country and all of them behind years ago, visiting a few times per year for a short time. I did it to save my own sanity in some dark time, to be honest, but then she wouldn't know that and from her point of view, I may have done so for status, prestige or career.

There's so little we have in common but I do want to be a part of her family.


Thank you, everyone, for your answers. It definitely gave me something to think about, as well as some relief.

 

[Peter Morrison]

I'm not so sure you need to worry about the sister-in-law liking you. You shouldn't change anything about yourself to accommodate another person's view or opinion. Talk to your brother about her attitude if you think he has insight, but I have no idea what you should do to make her like you. That sounds like an emotional trap you should stay away from. Some people control the others in their life by approving or disapproving of actions, words, or viewpoints. Which of these are you going to compromise just for her?

As long as she is civil and treats you properly, you can have an acceptable relationship with her. Not everyone in an extended family becomes buddies, especially when you don't see one another often enough to establish a close friendship. Be your own person, the one that everyone else in the family knows and likes. I suspect you would always be open to her friendship if she decided to extend it.

 

[onlything]

I'm not so sure you need to worry about the sister-in-law liking you. You shouldn't change anything about yourself to accommodate another person's view or opinion. Talk to your brother about her attitude if you think he has insight, but I have no idea what you should do to make her like you. That sounds like an emotional trap you should stay away from. Some people control the others in their life by approving or disapproving of actions, words, or viewpoints. Which of these are you going to compromise just for her?

As long as she is civil and treats you properly, you can have an acceptable relationship with her. Not everyone in an extended family becomes buddies, especially when you don't see one another often enough to establish a close friendship. Be your own person, the one that everyone else in the family knows and likes. I suspect you would always be open to her friendship if she decided to extend it.

I'm not going to compromise. I compromised too much in the past. Still, even the lack of acceptance and disapproval towards things like learning foreign languages just because I can, something she sees as pointless, can be quite hurtful to me. In the end, I always hope people can just get along and I can get along with them even if I know it's often impossible.

As for your sister in law, it may be that your brother's involvement is the reason. Having to deal with some of the family's problems might take him away from her. He may become more distracted, less involved in his own personal life as a result.

Maybe it is something like this. Sometimes I also wonder if maybe she's, I don't know, jelous for some reason. Since last year my brother has been so different - almost doting on me at times. He started to be the kind of brother I always wanted as a kid and when I come, he seems to always focus on me. But if it's jelousy for some reason, then what can I do? I'm not trying to usurp him or something silly like this. I hope it's not that. It will pass anyway when he gets bored of playing a good brother.

It's but an unfair thought, I know. I suppose I'm still a bit angry for all that mess.

I think I will just talk to him next time and if nothing comes out of it, I may try to speak with her. I need to start talking to people some time, even if it gives no results, right?

Family relations are so tiring. Doesn't matter how many years pass, I still feel like a lost kid trying to make sense of illogical.

 

[Mia]

Maybe it is something like this. Sometimes I also wonder if maybe she's, I don't know, jelous for some reason. Since last year my brother has been so different - almost doting on me at times. He started to be the kind of brother I always wanted as a kid and when I come, he seems to always focus on me. But if it's jelousy for some reason, then what can I do?

There's very little you can do, if that's the case. If your sister in law has some jealousy about the relationship between your brother and yourself, it's highly likely that affection for you is bona fide on your brother's part. He may have had time to realize and understand the family dynamics in retrospect. To perceive them differently than in the past.

My brother and I have become close in the last ten years. Mainly because things that I've understood about the family, and had difficulty with are similar to what he has experienced. He's far more loyal to the family than I am, but he does now understand it's difficulties and problems. Every so often, he visits, when the drama escalates beyond his ability to cope. It may be that your sibling has changed as a result as well.