Hello. I'm new here. I've read the forums many times during bad bouts with my partner, but today I finally decided I need to stop fooling myself and accept that this is real and that I need real help and perspective. My story and questions are intricate, so I think I'm going to post in a few different sections regarding different parts of my story. This post is not brief....but, this is where I am having the most difficulty.
My partner of 8 years (this Tuesday, actually) and I fell in love hard and it started with passion and a sweet vulnerability; but we always had misunderstandings and moments where he would shut me out for days. While we were dating I had a higher title/salary than him, and I like being generous with those I love, so I used to always contribute more (or pay for all) of our outings or trips. But, always thought, one day I may need help, or be making less and that he would return that generosity.
It wasn't until I was newly pregnant and we were moving in to a new place that he left me to handle the entire move by myself (there were movers of course, that I arranged and paid for), but still it was summer and over 100 degrees that day, I was exhausted from being pregnant, had to take the day off of work, and it was a long day and a lot of running around. He said he couldn't get out of work, and that sounded fake to me—he had only been freelancing with them sporadically for a few weeks. It seemed odd to me that he wouldn't want to be there to help me. That he wouldn't have requested that day off when he agreed to the work (the move date had been set for a while). When he finally came home from work, he made some comment about how tired he was from work and I got so upset we had a huge fight and he left and didn't come back to our new apartment until 3am, very drunk. I was left that evening to hang shower curtains, unpack essentials, make our bed, put away refrigerated items, etc. That night I was so bewildered by his actions I remember extensively googling his behavior and it clicking in my head for the first time that he may be on the spectrum.
Since our son has been born things have only gotten worse. My partner lost even that bit of irregular work, and wasn't contributing to our household finances, so when my paid leave was up I had to go back to work (had always hoped to take a couple of months without pay, which could have worked out if he was earning anything at all). He stayed home with our son, and when our son was about 6 months old, I told him I needed him to go back to work (I manage all of our finances, too). We were starting to go into debt each month. I completed paperwork, lined up daycare, and he said he was looking, and I know he was—but nothing panned out. Last November he was offered a great full-time job, good pay, benefits, and a managerial title. He turned it down, said it wasn't the right fit. I was furious. But, he also complained about being the primary caregiver while I was at work. He was depressed / stressed and often zoned out on his special interest (art). We agreed our son needed stimulation, and that he needed to go into daycare part-time (3 days a week) for his benefit. The agreement was my husband could get part-time work to help financially. He never found part-time work and financially things only got worse for me.
I recently took a far more demanding job, with far greater workload, in large part due to an increase in pay and more opportunity. Our son is now in daycare full-time (this past week was his first full week). And my partner is out of excuses—but not even trying to get a job and barely doing anything to even help out around the house. He spends most of his time pursuing intellectual interests; reads, posts on Instagram and visits museums and galleries. I am working my ass off, and somehow look up after 8 years and realize somehow I became responsible for everything. Most of the debt is in my name (he had non-existent credit when we met), the lease is in my name (I was the one with the job), I pay the bills, order the groceries, help with housework, ensure everyone in our friends / family get birthday cards and gifts from our family, buy all of our clothes, obviously help with our son whenever I'm home and as much as possible .....and there is nothing left for me. I've gained weight, developed hives, get on average 4.5 hours of sleep per night, and just generally feel like I'm about to crack.
He always has excuses for everything and if I call him on needing help he says "here we go again".
I finally found an article on Pathological Demand Avoidance(PDA), two nights ago, and everything clicked again. Except I have NO idea how to get through to him because he blames me and says I don't know how to help him. On top of all of this he treats me with contempt. I don't want to kick him out because I don't know where he would go, and because I'm heart-broken about how nasty our relationship is—I want to improve and work on our relationship, and I still love him very much. But, I've got nothing left in the tank.
After all of this, I still love him dearly, I think he loves me (although, I'm very uncertain at the moment) and I don't know how to fix this. Is there ANY getting through to him??? I've tried EVERYTHING. If there is anyone who has any insight on PDA I would so greatly appreciate it. I can't find much on it, and all accounts I usually read of NT/ASD relationships people say what good providers their ASD spouses are.
Again, so sorry this is so terribly long.
My partner of 8 years (this Tuesday, actually) and I fell in love hard and it started with passion and a sweet vulnerability; but we always had misunderstandings and moments where he would shut me out for days. While we were dating I had a higher title/salary than him, and I like being generous with those I love, so I used to always contribute more (or pay for all) of our outings or trips. But, always thought, one day I may need help, or be making less and that he would return that generosity.
It wasn't until I was newly pregnant and we were moving in to a new place that he left me to handle the entire move by myself (there were movers of course, that I arranged and paid for), but still it was summer and over 100 degrees that day, I was exhausted from being pregnant, had to take the day off of work, and it was a long day and a lot of running around. He said he couldn't get out of work, and that sounded fake to me—he had only been freelancing with them sporadically for a few weeks. It seemed odd to me that he wouldn't want to be there to help me. That he wouldn't have requested that day off when he agreed to the work (the move date had been set for a while). When he finally came home from work, he made some comment about how tired he was from work and I got so upset we had a huge fight and he left and didn't come back to our new apartment until 3am, very drunk. I was left that evening to hang shower curtains, unpack essentials, make our bed, put away refrigerated items, etc. That night I was so bewildered by his actions I remember extensively googling his behavior and it clicking in my head for the first time that he may be on the spectrum.
Since our son has been born things have only gotten worse. My partner lost even that bit of irregular work, and wasn't contributing to our household finances, so when my paid leave was up I had to go back to work (had always hoped to take a couple of months without pay, which could have worked out if he was earning anything at all). He stayed home with our son, and when our son was about 6 months old, I told him I needed him to go back to work (I manage all of our finances, too). We were starting to go into debt each month. I completed paperwork, lined up daycare, and he said he was looking, and I know he was—but nothing panned out. Last November he was offered a great full-time job, good pay, benefits, and a managerial title. He turned it down, said it wasn't the right fit. I was furious. But, he also complained about being the primary caregiver while I was at work. He was depressed / stressed and often zoned out on his special interest (art). We agreed our son needed stimulation, and that he needed to go into daycare part-time (3 days a week) for his benefit. The agreement was my husband could get part-time work to help financially. He never found part-time work and financially things only got worse for me.
I recently took a far more demanding job, with far greater workload, in large part due to an increase in pay and more opportunity. Our son is now in daycare full-time (this past week was his first full week). And my partner is out of excuses—but not even trying to get a job and barely doing anything to even help out around the house. He spends most of his time pursuing intellectual interests; reads, posts on Instagram and visits museums and galleries. I am working my ass off, and somehow look up after 8 years and realize somehow I became responsible for everything. Most of the debt is in my name (he had non-existent credit when we met), the lease is in my name (I was the one with the job), I pay the bills, order the groceries, help with housework, ensure everyone in our friends / family get birthday cards and gifts from our family, buy all of our clothes, obviously help with our son whenever I'm home and as much as possible .....and there is nothing left for me. I've gained weight, developed hives, get on average 4.5 hours of sleep per night, and just generally feel like I'm about to crack.
He always has excuses for everything and if I call him on needing help he says "here we go again".
I finally found an article on Pathological Demand Avoidance(PDA), two nights ago, and everything clicked again. Except I have NO idea how to get through to him because he blames me and says I don't know how to help him. On top of all of this he treats me with contempt. I don't want to kick him out because I don't know where he would go, and because I'm heart-broken about how nasty our relationship is—I want to improve and work on our relationship, and I still love him very much. But, I've got nothing left in the tank.
After all of this, I still love him dearly, I think he loves me (although, I'm very uncertain at the moment) and I don't know how to fix this. Is there ANY getting through to him??? I've tried EVERYTHING. If there is anyone who has any insight on PDA I would so greatly appreciate it. I can't find much on it, and all accounts I usually read of NT/ASD relationships people say what good providers their ASD spouses are.
Again, so sorry this is so terribly long.
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) I'm afraid. I hope you find some answers, advice and support here though.
