Boyfriend85
New Member
I think my girlfriend might have Aspergers or highly functioning autism. Without being aware of it.
We’ve been dating for a year, and I’ve gotten to know her very well during that time. I’m under the impression that she hasn’t spend this extensive amount of time with anyone since moving out at the age of 18.
Here are some signs (I’m sorry if I resort to stereotypes here or if what I’m writing is insensitive - I’m new to the forums and have limited knowledge, thus the ignorance):
1)
She is 28 and has never had a relationship that lasted longer than a couple of months.
2)
She can be very social and charismatic in party situations / when drinking, but always needs to “re-load” afterwards by spending extended time in complete solitude (she lives in her own apartment).
3)
She has many fiends, but can choose to spend entire weekends on her own with no social interaction whatsoever for 48+ hours, just binge watching TV and focusing on hobbies she can enjoy in solitude.
3)
She has very geeky hobbies that she does when on her own, like watching anime series (she’s watched hundreds of different shows, thousands of episodes), reading various comics books and fantasy literature, and playing certain video games - hobbies that match guy friends I have who are openly autistic (or prefer the term “Asperger”). The intensity with which she indulges in these hobbies also match their level of intensity.
4)
She will sometimes, especially when she’s tired, suddenly “switch” from her usually charming social behaviour into a different “mode” where her tone, way of speaking / expressing herself and the things she says come off as rude or offensive to me, or her friends, or family. In this “mode” she keeps being brutally honest, saying things that are better left unsaid, and she becomes puzzled when I / they become uncomfortable or hurt. Only after I go to great lengths to explain to her why what she said was hurtful, will she begin to understand. Or at least pretend to understand - I’m unsure. She will however insist that her _intention_ wasn’t to offend, and state that she only “said the truth” (or variations of that statement).
5)
She’s incredibly intelligent and good at her job. But: At her last workplace, where she worked for many years, she kept getting into trouble because of the behaviour I explained in the previous point. She would offend co-workers, and keep getting into heated arguments with her manager, due to being too “direct” and honest and unable to combine her tremendous skill at her job with a successful “playing along” of the social rules and conventions of a professional workplace situation. In other words: the intricate social game we all play at the office in-between performing actual work, in order to be liked by our peers and bosses and gain their goodwill. In the end, she was to her absolute horror fired from a job she excelled at because of “difficult behaviour”. It broke my heart to see how much that hurt her.
6)
Communication via text with her online is always perfect. She communicates like any other person, or actually better than most people, she appears “warm” and excited and displays nothing but high social intelligence, and tops it all off with lots of emoji use. Face to face or on the phone, however, she might suddenly say a sentence in a completely unexpected tone. A sentence that in the current context would normally be said with a playful or warm or friendly tone, is suddenly uttered with tones that seem to express annoyance or apathy or anger or similar. And with no emoji to add to the sentence, I interpret it as unfriendly. After this happens, if I point it out, she’s completely unable to recall saying the sentence in that manner. She will argue that we “remember differently” what happened. But I’ve experienced situations where she’s done this with her best friend or her mother present (to me / them), and the look on their faces would reveal to me that they were as taken aback by the uttering as I was.
7)
She has a very hard time adjusting to social expectations such as showing up to work on time, and showing up to appointments on time. She keeps running late for almost anything, and it appears to be because she never manages to anticipate how much time she needs to get ready, but also because she’s never able to correctly anticipate how long any commute will take her. She knows that people get annoyed at her because of this, but keeps repeating the mistake.
8)
She’s a very anxious person, constantly afraid of minor and major catastrophes and obsessing over details in everyday life. She’s afraid to slip and fall while walking, afraid to be hit by cars when crossing the street, afraid of leaving any electronic device in the power outlet for too long, afraid of not cleaning the dishes thoroughly enough before putting them in the dishwasher, afraid of becoming ill by contagion, afraid of making a mess anywhere, etc. It seems almost like OCD. Or anxiety. But she’s just so detail oriented overall.
9)
She’s unusually sensitive to sounds, smells, bright light etc. We both love music, and love the same artists, but she has to keep asking me to turn off music on my stereo when she’s at my apartment, because she seems unable to “tune out” background music and maintain a conversation at the same time. Or the music will just exhaust her. She says she perceives music very intensely. Her ability to smell food and taste food also seems above average, and she’s the only person I know who has to keep telling me to turn the brightness of my phone screen down, because any sharp light exhausts her. She recently began describing herself as “hypersensitive”, after reading an online article on the topic.
10)
She’s an only child, and her mother once told me that “she therefore can act odd or self-absorbed in certain situations and sometimes isn’t skilled at taking other people’s feelings or needs into consideration”
She’s a beautiful and lovely person. But after having known her for one year, I feel like she might have been fired from that job for a reason. She CAN be “difficult” once one gets to know her well.
And I feel unfair every time I get offended or annoyed at her for her behaviour. If she is on the spectrum, I wish we’d all just know, so we could adjust accordingly and better understand her limitations instead of being disappointed by her.
I’m terrified of telling her that I suspect she might be on the spectrum. I wish she knew that me saying that doesn’t mean I love her any less. I just want her to be happy.
We’ve been dating for a year, and I’ve gotten to know her very well during that time. I’m under the impression that she hasn’t spend this extensive amount of time with anyone since moving out at the age of 18.
Here are some signs (I’m sorry if I resort to stereotypes here or if what I’m writing is insensitive - I’m new to the forums and have limited knowledge, thus the ignorance):
1)
She is 28 and has never had a relationship that lasted longer than a couple of months.
2)
She can be very social and charismatic in party situations / when drinking, but always needs to “re-load” afterwards by spending extended time in complete solitude (she lives in her own apartment).
3)
She has many fiends, but can choose to spend entire weekends on her own with no social interaction whatsoever for 48+ hours, just binge watching TV and focusing on hobbies she can enjoy in solitude.
3)
She has very geeky hobbies that she does when on her own, like watching anime series (she’s watched hundreds of different shows, thousands of episodes), reading various comics books and fantasy literature, and playing certain video games - hobbies that match guy friends I have who are openly autistic (or prefer the term “Asperger”). The intensity with which she indulges in these hobbies also match their level of intensity.
4)
She will sometimes, especially when she’s tired, suddenly “switch” from her usually charming social behaviour into a different “mode” where her tone, way of speaking / expressing herself and the things she says come off as rude or offensive to me, or her friends, or family. In this “mode” she keeps being brutally honest, saying things that are better left unsaid, and she becomes puzzled when I / they become uncomfortable or hurt. Only after I go to great lengths to explain to her why what she said was hurtful, will she begin to understand. Or at least pretend to understand - I’m unsure. She will however insist that her _intention_ wasn’t to offend, and state that she only “said the truth” (or variations of that statement).
5)
She’s incredibly intelligent and good at her job. But: At her last workplace, where she worked for many years, she kept getting into trouble because of the behaviour I explained in the previous point. She would offend co-workers, and keep getting into heated arguments with her manager, due to being too “direct” and honest and unable to combine her tremendous skill at her job with a successful “playing along” of the social rules and conventions of a professional workplace situation. In other words: the intricate social game we all play at the office in-between performing actual work, in order to be liked by our peers and bosses and gain their goodwill. In the end, she was to her absolute horror fired from a job she excelled at because of “difficult behaviour”. It broke my heart to see how much that hurt her.
6)
Communication via text with her online is always perfect. She communicates like any other person, or actually better than most people, she appears “warm” and excited and displays nothing but high social intelligence, and tops it all off with lots of emoji use. Face to face or on the phone, however, she might suddenly say a sentence in a completely unexpected tone. A sentence that in the current context would normally be said with a playful or warm or friendly tone, is suddenly uttered with tones that seem to express annoyance or apathy or anger or similar. And with no emoji to add to the sentence, I interpret it as unfriendly. After this happens, if I point it out, she’s completely unable to recall saying the sentence in that manner. She will argue that we “remember differently” what happened. But I’ve experienced situations where she’s done this with her best friend or her mother present (to me / them), and the look on their faces would reveal to me that they were as taken aback by the uttering as I was.
7)
She has a very hard time adjusting to social expectations such as showing up to work on time, and showing up to appointments on time. She keeps running late for almost anything, and it appears to be because she never manages to anticipate how much time she needs to get ready, but also because she’s never able to correctly anticipate how long any commute will take her. She knows that people get annoyed at her because of this, but keeps repeating the mistake.
8)
She’s a very anxious person, constantly afraid of minor and major catastrophes and obsessing over details in everyday life. She’s afraid to slip and fall while walking, afraid to be hit by cars when crossing the street, afraid of leaving any electronic device in the power outlet for too long, afraid of not cleaning the dishes thoroughly enough before putting them in the dishwasher, afraid of becoming ill by contagion, afraid of making a mess anywhere, etc. It seems almost like OCD. Or anxiety. But she’s just so detail oriented overall.
9)
She’s unusually sensitive to sounds, smells, bright light etc. We both love music, and love the same artists, but she has to keep asking me to turn off music on my stereo when she’s at my apartment, because she seems unable to “tune out” background music and maintain a conversation at the same time. Or the music will just exhaust her. She says she perceives music very intensely. Her ability to smell food and taste food also seems above average, and she’s the only person I know who has to keep telling me to turn the brightness of my phone screen down, because any sharp light exhausts her. She recently began describing herself as “hypersensitive”, after reading an online article on the topic.
10)
She’s an only child, and her mother once told me that “she therefore can act odd or self-absorbed in certain situations and sometimes isn’t skilled at taking other people’s feelings or needs into consideration”
She’s a beautiful and lovely person. But after having known her for one year, I feel like she might have been fired from that job for a reason. She CAN be “difficult” once one gets to know her well.
And I feel unfair every time I get offended or annoyed at her for her behaviour. If she is on the spectrum, I wish we’d all just know, so we could adjust accordingly and better understand her limitations instead of being disappointed by her.
I’m terrified of telling her that I suspect she might be on the spectrum. I wish she knew that me saying that doesn’t mean I love her any less. I just want her to be happy.
Especially the first of the 3s. 
