I think my boyfriend has Aspergers, help?

[Henrietta G]

Hey guys!

So, I have been dating my boyfriend, he’s 21 and so am I, on and off for two years now. He’s always been a little bit more quiet and hard to reach, and we had mutual friends and I fell in love with his humor and intelligence. We have had our ups and downs, mostly because I have borderline personality disorder, very manageable and ”mild” though, and our fights have mostly been about his coldness/detachement/inability to show a lot of love and affection and his need to be alone and isolate often.

I have found this very hard, since I’m clingy and need constant validation, constant touching and hugging and I need him to physically show me he loves me and tell me he loves me constantly. He says he just can’t give that to me, even though he tells me he loves me immensly.

I just haven’t been able to understand him.

He told me his mom suspected he was autistic when he was about 14 or so, but he just brushed that off. He has a hard time looking people in the eye, especially me, he is very particular about a lot of things, he’s very intelligent and studies engineering and loves numbers and math. He has interests that I don’t care for but he talks about non-stop, he can even sit and show me his math equations for like an hour, haha.

I have struggled and struggled to understand him, sometimes he’s made me almost lose my mind with grief over not being able to reach through to him or understand him. And then it finally clicked. He might have Aspergers. The thing is, he’s very proud, and I don’t think he’d appreciate the label. What can I do? Just researching how people with Aspergers think and feel has helped tremendously, even if he has it or not, I feel like I can finally understand him, but what more can I do? I can’t bring it up to him that I think he has Aspergers, right? Or can I?

Anyway, I would love ANY information or help that anyone can give me. From what I’ve read about people with autism in relationships he has almost all ”symptoms”, and I’ve been doing my head in for two years trying to understand. Thanks to anyone who takes the time out to reply, xx

 

[Nitro]

Hi Henrietta

 

[Isadoorian]

Welcome to the Forums, I hope you make new friends and enjoy your stay in the process!

Also many people will be fairly blunt and straight forward with their answers regarding your situation (there's been many like it the past couple weeks or so), so please don't be offended

I say he should get an Official Diagnosis, or at least the two of you can sit down and do online Tests together before consulting a professional

https://musingsofanaspie.com/aspie-tests/

 

[tree]

 

[Suzanne]

Hello Henrietta

Just yesterday, I found out about borderline personality disorder and so, it is most understandable that you feel the way you do, but the snag is, that it is also most understandable the way your boyfriend feels and unless one can take a step back and try and understand and be accommodating, I honestly cannot see your relationship going very far.

My husband has said for years that it upsets him that I do not want to be close or touch him. I FORGET to do those things in truth. So, when he reminds me that he would like to feel loved by me, for a short while, I do try, but sadly, it does not last long.

As to your boyfriend getting an official diagnostic, unless he agrees, you can not force him and in truth, how would that diagnosis help your relationship?

My husband says: I know you love me in your own way.

 

[Bolletje]

Also many people will be fairly blunt and straight forward with their answers regarding your situation (there's been many like it the past couple weeks or so), so please don't be offended

There’s been many like this forever, not just the past couple of weeks

As for OP: does the label really matter? If you want or need something your boyfriend can’t give you, does it matter which label you slap on him? It doesn’t change the fact that you probably won’t ever get the (amount of) validation you need. I’m not being judgmental of you, I’m just pointing out a likely fundamental incompatibility.

 

[Henrietta G]

Hello Henrietta

Just yesterday, I found out about borderline personality disorder and so, it is most understandable that you feel the way you do, but the snag is, that it is also most understandable the way your boyfriend feels and unless one can take a step back and try and understand and be accommodating, I honestly cannot see your relationship going very far.

My husband has said for years that it upsets him that I do not want to be close or touch him. I FORGET to do those things in truth. So, when he reminds me that he would like to feel loved by me, for a short while, I do try, but sadly, it does not last long.

As to your boyfriend getting an official diagnostic, unless he agrees, you can not force him and in truth, how would that diagnosis help your relationship?

My husband says: I know you love me in your own way.

Thank you for your reply Suzanne. Yes, you are right. The thing is, borderline personality disorder can be ''cured'', and I am well on the way to recovery. I do not need the constant validation and affection anymore, thank God, haha I think a diagnosis would help, but you're right, maybe not a lot. Right now it's as if he believes he is ''perfect'', and I am the one who is completely unreasonable with absolutely everything I do and say. It would be nice for him to at least open up his eyes to the possibility of him having ASD, and then maybe realize that I'm not some evil, out of control, horrible person just because I would like a hug once in a while. He thinks I am demanding too much of him, and it would be very nice for him to realize ''Oh, I have that, that means that I have to make an effort TOO'', since it's been me changing my behavior these last two years, constantly working on and improving myself and have changed a lot for him, but he won't change anything for me. I guess I'm just hoping that with a diagnosis I might feel a bit vindicated, which I know isn't all that honorable, and that he might realize that he has to work on certain things TOO. I am already doing the best I can by treating him as people say you SHOULD treat a loved one with ASD, and I've seen a lot of improvement, but I can't go on forever just letting him treat me however he wants, and when he's cold towards me and I point it out he thinks I'm being unreasonable. Anyway, I'm going to hold off on saying anything for a while to him, and if it ever comes ''to a head'' then I might tell him I guess? Thanks again for your reply xx

 

[Tom]

WYSIWYG

 

[Bella Pines]

what more can I do?

Back off . And I say that in the most constructive way possible. Just reading your summary is stressing me out. Let me try to explain why;

I have struggled and struggled to understand him

Accept that you will never understand him any more that we can understand neurotypicals. But you don't need to, as long as you accept him for what he is, learn to work around his quirks and share your quirks with him the best you can, then you can develop a healthy partnership.

he has almost all ”symptoms”.

And you can stop calling them symptoms. In the same way that people can be ADHD and borderline, people can be aspergers. I don't see my aspergers as a disorder or an illness, I see it as a personality type, it's who I am. I therefore have traits or quirks, not "symptoms".

his coldness/detachement/inability to show a lot of love and affection and his need to be alone and isolate often.

We're not cold, we just are. We take in a lot of information and need to process it. We aren't incapable of anything, we just express things differently. I will continue on with a miserable job that I loathe and despise to give my children a good upbringing, but I can only bring myself to hug them once a day at most. Then I get a bit "touched out". I have to tell them to stop hanging off me.

A friend (now ex-friend ) once told me that was really sad. Sad? That makes perfect sense. How are meaningless platitudes or shows of affections more valuable than providing a nice house and education for them? I know which one I'd choose.

So rather than focus on the little things and what you've learnt to expect as a show of affection, look harder, look at it differently. The simple fact that he hasn't abandoned you is the first clue of his loyalty and affection. There will be more but you need to learn to recognize them.

And finally, when you read about aspergers, don't go thinking that it's an excuse. Whilst we get overwhelmed, we are perfectly capable of controlling it, just as you control your BPD. So you see, you are more than qualified to help him control himself and treat you well, because you have already learned how to. But maybe less "in your face"...

 

[Myway]

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