Oda
New Member
Hi,
I'm a 23y/o female, doing a clinical/research master in neuropsychiatry.
About a year ago I had a discussion with my mother about how disappointed she was that as a teenager I would barely go out or meet up with other people my age, and since I became older this trend has only gotten worse. Back then this discussion got me thinking that I did have problems socialising, mostly because I am deeply introverted, socially awkward, and generally not interested in the same things the average person is interested in.
Back then, mostly out of curiosity, I did a quick autism screening (AQ) and did score far above the cut-off line. I did, however, not think much about it, as I am deeply distrustful of self-diagnosis, and diagnostic tools that rely on subjective self assessment.
Fast-forward a year and I had to take a course on ASD as part of my masters. While learning about the theories and symptoms, I started tho become more and more convinced that I may indeed have autism - however, I still don't completely trust myself due to my general hypochondriac-y demeanour, and the fact that medical students do tend to think they basically have everything they read about.
Because I am unsure of my objectivity on this matter, I would like to present some arguments and get some input from people who actually live with ASD.
Before I begin, I want to apologise for the probable length of this post.
'Objective' Evidence:
Theoretical Background:
According to Baron-Cohen (who I don't trust a 100% because of serious methodological shortcomings in previous studies) autism may be defined by an extreme male-brainess, or a high systemising, low empathising quotient.
This theory is also in line with the hypothesis that autism may in part be caused by high in-utero testosterone levels.
- Based on the quite reliable digit-ratio measure (looking at how long the index- compared to the ringfinger is), I did have high in-utero testosterone exposure.
- In line with the high testosterone theory, I also performed above average in male favouring cognitive tests
- Empathising (E) score = 8; Systemising (S) = 26 (Average NT female E =40, S = 23; Average ASD female E = 15, S = 26)
- In the Eyes test (recognising emotions on images of only the eye region - test has some methodological issues) I scored in the lower 24% which is ASD levels
- average AQ score of 41, results remained stable across several testing sessions over 3 months.
Experience Based Evidence:
- The major thing that has followed me all my life it that I have always felt like an outsider or foreign to other people. It's hard to put a finger on it, but I always feel like other people understood each other/ belonged with each other and I never managed to feel like I belonged with any group, even in my own family. (Counter argument - I moved a lot across and between coteries and switched schools 11 times, so it could have just been because I was often just the new kid)
- I remember as a child I didn't usually enjoy playing with other children, I liked to be alone a lot because then I could do what I wanted/do things the way I wanted them to be done. I always thought other children were a bit stupid.
- When I tried to play with other kids it was mostly boys I wanted to play with, and I loved roughhousing and fighting - when I was in 1st and 2nd grade I pretended to be a boy.
- When I had friends I'd also always copy them a lot. In 6th grade I got bullied for basically being an exact copy of my best friend back them. In high school my best friend had bipolar, and I copied her to extent where I myself was diagnosed with BPD (I definitely am not bipolar)
- I wasn't very attached to my family, often when I was very young (5-6) we went for walks or bike trips, and I'd just wander off by myself (which sadly caused a lot of anger and worry). Talking to them always seemed exhausting to me, and I wanted to do my own thing.
- I always hated being hugged as a child, it always felt too restrictive. Now I do like hugs, but if I'm not let go right the second I want to, I can get a bit panicky (my boyfriend - yes I'm in a 6 year relationship - always jokes that I'm like a cat, that wants belly rubs one second and the next it slashes your hands)
- crowds or more than a couple of people talking at the same time make me super uncomfortable, I feel like I get dizzy when there's too many voices around me (counter argument - I do sometimes enjoy mosh pits, cause I get to low-key get into physical fights and pushing matches with people - I stopped going to concerts though, cause it's too exhausting)
- I can't have anyone be angry at me, people yelling (or even talking angry ) makes me freeze, and I can't speak anymore.
- People frequently tell me I'm rude, when I feel like I'm not, or just telling them the truth. I absolutely detest it, when people argue something I know to be wrong.
- I have a lot of coordination issues, and am very clumsy
- Even though I was above average smart for my age, and could read and do 3rd grade math, I wasn't allowed to start school, because of under developed social abilities
- I often have issues finding the right facial expressions, people tell me I often look a bit creepy because I smile in the wrong situations.
- I always had very strange obsessions (e.g. when I was 7-8 I'd spend hours every day looking at real estate on tiny Caribbean islands), last year I spent a month researching everything there is to know about dog nutrition and dog food. I get very absorbed in particular topics and want to spend all my time doing it, but often I can't keep it up for long, and suddenly completely lose interest.
- I get extremely angry when people don't do things the way I want them to de done, especially when it comes to cooking for some reason.
- I find speaking difficult, and exhausting. I feel like my voice hurts m throat, and I frequently hear complaints that I mumble, speak too fast, or don't pronounce things correctly (could also be explained by the fact that I grew up in several different countries and don't really have a proper native language)
- I fidget a lot, almost always rubbing my fingers. A bit gross, but when I'm very stressed I keep picking the skin of my fingers, you can always tell how stressed I am based on how bloody my fingers are.
- I'm uncomfortable almost all the time, I can't stand it if something touches/restricts my left arm, I HATE my bobs, cause they keep me from holding my arms to my body the way I want it. I hate uncomfortable clothes and since I can remember I always had to cut the tags off my clothes else I'd be ichat all the time.
- This one is weird, but I HATE having saliva in my mouth, it's so sticky and gross, and I don't like to chew my food cause I don't want it to mix with my saliva.
There's a lot more, but I think I have to stop at this point, else it will get way to long.
I just want to mention some arguments that might speak against me having ASD.
- Sometimes I can be very clingy, and really want to be around people, just yesterday I spent 20 minutes walking around campus to find someone to be around just for the social contact.
- Several articles say that people with ASD have problems with split attention, but I think I'm the opposite, I feel like I a lot of time I can't concrete on doing something unless I have several sources of stimulation (e.g. to be able to read literature for my classes I need background music, I need a disability program to read the text for me, and I need to read along at the same time, so I won't drift away. I also can't watch movies without also being on my phone, else I get too restless)
- I've been told several times that I'm very good at mingling, and I was very good at entertaining guests when my family had people over.
- I don't think I'm very bad at understanding jokes, or sarcasm, and I am very sarcastic and self-ironous myself
- I do think I understand some social cues, I can see if people look sad (though they often tell me I'm wrong when I ask if they're sad - as I'm writing this I'm realising, they might have been lying to me
)
- I'm not sure if my social issues are learned, because I spent a lot of time alone, and for some years I lived far away from anyone else, and my mom was always working so she couldn't drive me to see friends. Plus I always had pets (dogs and a horse) to take care of, so I wasn't as flexible as other kids. To make up for lack of social interaction I made up a whole city of imaginary friends, some of which I was very "close" to until I was almost 16.
I'm really sorry for the long post. I want to thank anyone who made it until here, for reading my long ramble, and I'd be even more grateful for some feedback if you don't feel like I already wasted enough of your time.
I'm a 23y/o female, doing a clinical/research master in neuropsychiatry.
About a year ago I had a discussion with my mother about how disappointed she was that as a teenager I would barely go out or meet up with other people my age, and since I became older this trend has only gotten worse. Back then this discussion got me thinking that I did have problems socialising, mostly because I am deeply introverted, socially awkward, and generally not interested in the same things the average person is interested in.
Back then, mostly out of curiosity, I did a quick autism screening (AQ) and did score far above the cut-off line. I did, however, not think much about it, as I am deeply distrustful of self-diagnosis, and diagnostic tools that rely on subjective self assessment.
Fast-forward a year and I had to take a course on ASD as part of my masters. While learning about the theories and symptoms, I started tho become more and more convinced that I may indeed have autism - however, I still don't completely trust myself due to my general hypochondriac-y demeanour, and the fact that medical students do tend to think they basically have everything they read about.
Because I am unsure of my objectivity on this matter, I would like to present some arguments and get some input from people who actually live with ASD.
Before I begin, I want to apologise for the probable length of this post.
'Objective' Evidence:
Theoretical Background:
According to Baron-Cohen (who I don't trust a 100% because of serious methodological shortcomings in previous studies) autism may be defined by an extreme male-brainess, or a high systemising, low empathising quotient.
This theory is also in line with the hypothesis that autism may in part be caused by high in-utero testosterone levels.
- Based on the quite reliable digit-ratio measure (looking at how long the index- compared to the ringfinger is), I did have high in-utero testosterone exposure.
- In line with the high testosterone theory, I also performed above average in male favouring cognitive tests
- Empathising (E) score = 8; Systemising (S) = 26 (Average NT female E =40, S = 23; Average ASD female E = 15, S = 26)
- In the Eyes test (recognising emotions on images of only the eye region - test has some methodological issues) I scored in the lower 24% which is ASD levels
- average AQ score of 41, results remained stable across several testing sessions over 3 months.
Experience Based Evidence:
- The major thing that has followed me all my life it that I have always felt like an outsider or foreign to other people. It's hard to put a finger on it, but I always feel like other people understood each other/ belonged with each other and I never managed to feel like I belonged with any group, even in my own family. (Counter argument - I moved a lot across and between coteries and switched schools 11 times, so it could have just been because I was often just the new kid)
- I remember as a child I didn't usually enjoy playing with other children, I liked to be alone a lot because then I could do what I wanted/do things the way I wanted them to be done. I always thought other children were a bit stupid.
- When I tried to play with other kids it was mostly boys I wanted to play with, and I loved roughhousing and fighting - when I was in 1st and 2nd grade I pretended to be a boy.
- When I had friends I'd also always copy them a lot. In 6th grade I got bullied for basically being an exact copy of my best friend back them. In high school my best friend had bipolar, and I copied her to extent where I myself was diagnosed with BPD (I definitely am not bipolar)
- I wasn't very attached to my family, often when I was very young (5-6) we went for walks or bike trips, and I'd just wander off by myself (which sadly caused a lot of anger and worry). Talking to them always seemed exhausting to me, and I wanted to do my own thing.
- I always hated being hugged as a child, it always felt too restrictive. Now I do like hugs, but if I'm not let go right the second I want to, I can get a bit panicky (my boyfriend - yes I'm in a 6 year relationship - always jokes that I'm like a cat, that wants belly rubs one second and the next it slashes your hands)
- crowds or more than a couple of people talking at the same time make me super uncomfortable, I feel like I get dizzy when there's too many voices around me (counter argument - I do sometimes enjoy mosh pits, cause I get to low-key get into physical fights and pushing matches with people - I stopped going to concerts though, cause it's too exhausting)
- I can't have anyone be angry at me, people yelling (or even talking angry ) makes me freeze, and I can't speak anymore.
- People frequently tell me I'm rude, when I feel like I'm not, or just telling them the truth. I absolutely detest it, when people argue something I know to be wrong.
- I have a lot of coordination issues, and am very clumsy
- Even though I was above average smart for my age, and could read and do 3rd grade math, I wasn't allowed to start school, because of under developed social abilities
- I often have issues finding the right facial expressions, people tell me I often look a bit creepy because I smile in the wrong situations.
- I always had very strange obsessions (e.g. when I was 7-8 I'd spend hours every day looking at real estate on tiny Caribbean islands), last year I spent a month researching everything there is to know about dog nutrition and dog food. I get very absorbed in particular topics and want to spend all my time doing it, but often I can't keep it up for long, and suddenly completely lose interest.
- I get extremely angry when people don't do things the way I want them to de done, especially when it comes to cooking for some reason.
- I find speaking difficult, and exhausting. I feel like my voice hurts m throat, and I frequently hear complaints that I mumble, speak too fast, or don't pronounce things correctly (could also be explained by the fact that I grew up in several different countries and don't really have a proper native language)
- I fidget a lot, almost always rubbing my fingers. A bit gross, but when I'm very stressed I keep picking the skin of my fingers, you can always tell how stressed I am based on how bloody my fingers are.
- I'm uncomfortable almost all the time, I can't stand it if something touches/restricts my left arm, I HATE my bobs, cause they keep me from holding my arms to my body the way I want it. I hate uncomfortable clothes and since I can remember I always had to cut the tags off my clothes else I'd be ichat all the time.
- This one is weird, but I HATE having saliva in my mouth, it's so sticky and gross, and I don't like to chew my food cause I don't want it to mix with my saliva.
There's a lot more, but I think I have to stop at this point, else it will get way to long.
I just want to mention some arguments that might speak against me having ASD.
- Sometimes I can be very clingy, and really want to be around people, just yesterday I spent 20 minutes walking around campus to find someone to be around just for the social contact.
- Several articles say that people with ASD have problems with split attention, but I think I'm the opposite, I feel like I a lot of time I can't concrete on doing something unless I have several sources of stimulation (e.g. to be able to read literature for my classes I need background music, I need a disability program to read the text for me, and I need to read along at the same time, so I won't drift away. I also can't watch movies without also being on my phone, else I get too restless)
- I've been told several times that I'm very good at mingling, and I was very good at entertaining guests when my family had people over.
- I don't think I'm very bad at understanding jokes, or sarcasm, and I am very sarcastic and self-ironous myself
- I do think I understand some social cues, I can see if people look sad (though they often tell me I'm wrong when I ask if they're sad - as I'm writing this I'm realising, they might have been lying to me
)- I'm not sure if my social issues are learned, because I spent a lot of time alone, and for some years I lived far away from anyone else, and my mom was always working so she couldn't drive me to see friends. Plus I always had pets (dogs and a horse) to take care of, so I wasn't as flexible as other kids. To make up for lack of social interaction I made up a whole city of imaginary friends, some of which I was very "close" to until I was almost 16.
I'm really sorry for the long post. I want to thank anyone who made it until here, for reading my long ramble, and I'd be even more grateful for some feedback if you don't feel like I already wasted enough of your time.
