I suggested my Boyfriend May have Autism... he got angry.

[SimplyWandering]

So I suggest my boyfriend might have autism and he got defensive and upset. What did I do wrong?

He admits he doesn’t know what to say around people, he has sensitivities similar to my own when it comes to noises or wanting to be touched. I suggested a therapist to discuss maybe getting tested and he also got very upset at that, told me I was telling him what to do.

Meanwhile, all I am thinking is I want to be in a relationship where we push one another to self improvement and he doesn’t want to deal with that anxiety and shuts down.

 

[tlc]

My thought is that he doesn't want therapy. He wants you to accept him the way he is. That's what I'd hope for in somebody.

 

[GadAbout]

Meanwhile, all I am thinking is I want to be in a relationship where we push one another to self improvement and he doesn’t want to deal with that anxiety and shuts down.

Sounds like you want different things.

 

[Fino]

Sounds like what you did wrong was suggest he may have autism. Next, you suggested he see a therapist.

It's hard to say without further context, but I can see why that may be upsetting to someone. Pretty big things there.

 

[All-Rounder]

His reaction is very strange considering you have autism and supposedly he accepts and likes it in you and you accept and like it in yourself.

I think though seeing it in yourself for the first time or the thought of it is very scary, though. That would be devastating to him to know the whole world is a mystery to him and everything he knows is not quite right. That could mean he'd have to change or at least see everything differently. That could be a sudden crisis denial.

The thought both scared me and fascinated me and would drive me to misery before id ultimately start to feel relief from understanding why im different and life is harder for me, probably. And most of that would be from an official diagnosis.

Maybe he doesn't take well to people diagnosing, maybe he hates labels, maybe he thinks youre trying to shift your autism/issues on him. How well does he trust you?

 

[Kit]

Some people just want to be "normal" and feel insulted if you dare to suggest they have something wrong with them.

 

[Cazelle]

Meanwhile, all I am thinking is I want to be in a relationship where we push one another to self improvement and he doesn’t want to deal with that anxiety and shuts down.

Does he want to be in that kind of relationship? Do you think he needs to acknowledge or get a diagnosis for his potential autism in order to fulfill your desire for self improvement for him?

 

[SameStars]

I was pretty sure I had Asperger's when I tried to get a diagnosis as a teen, when my suspicions actually got confirmed though, I kind of freaked out... I felt like no, maybe I'm just a little odd, but that's all. I think the knee-jerk response can be insulted denial.

Would a diagnosis actually be beneficiary though? Is it actually a necessary course of action, or can you try to work on the anxiety issues without it?

 

[Suzanne]

Labels are very important for those not on the spectrum and so, I guess that is why you are trying to push for this eh?

My husband behaves much better towards me now, that I have been officially diagnosed, but that is because he needs it in black and white, so to speak.

So, if you are saying that you need him to find out if he is on the spectrum, so that you have something to work with, then why not just leave information on his desk?

He could well be thinking that you will think he is a freak and why he gets upset, so be upfront and tell him it is not because you think that way; but to help you to understand him better.

 

[Judge]

IMO, I suspect that very few persons go on to seek a diagnosis as a result of another party suggesting that they might be on the spectrum of autism. Where in most cases it just antagonizes the person in question.

I can only say that in my own experience, had someone- anyone had suggested such a thing about myself, odds are that I would have reacted quite negatively to such a suggestion. That ultimately this was something I had to painfully find out all on my own, without any input from someone simply in my social orbit.

As I've posted a number of times in this forum, my "journey" to discovering being on the spectrum of autism wasn't an easy one, often fraught with "potholes of denial" on my part. It was real work for me to ultimately come to such a conclusion. To this day, I'm certain that had someone I knew made the suggestion, it's far more likely that I would have just shrugged it off rather than pursue it all on my own like "a dog with a bone". That if a caring and concerned person wants to place such a thought into the head of another, it's best for them to go about very carefully, without consideration of any "head-on" approach.

I truly believe that self-awareness of one's autism must ultimately come from within.

 

[Tom]

So I suggest my boyfriend might have autism and he got defensive and upset. What did I do wrong?...

Meanwhile, all I am thinking is I want to be in a relationship where we push one another to self improvement...

I think you answered you own question in a way. Many if not most people don't like being pushed.

 

[SimplyWandering]

Does he want to be in that kind of relationship? Do you think he needs to acknowledge or get a diagnosis for his potential autism in order to fulfill your desire for self improvement for him?

BF is boyfriend if that wasn’t mentioned

I think it is less about my desire to change him and more about my desire for him to succeed and to do so he needs to acknowledge the problems he has. Being in a relationship requires the two to have a discussions that might be uncomfortable, I know this first hand. I’ve even suggested that we change the status of are relationship to put less pressure on him.

I think about and want a future, at some point I have to make a choice even if I want him to change to succeed, he might not. He definitely wants too, his anxiety just gets the better of him. I still love him though. Honestly I think it is my emotional struggle and the pressure I put on him in hindsight.

 

[Kevin1968]

Some people don't like to be criticised no matter how much you sugar coat it. He also probably doesn't like to be told that there is something "wrong" about him.

Perhaps he is happy as he is and doesn't want to change (improve?)
This does possibly mean that you are incompatible unless you can accept him as he is too.

I'm not saying that he doesn't need to change but that it has to be something he wants to do for himself.

 

[Crossbreed]

When the uninformed hear "autism," they think of ASD2/3. They don't realize how subtle ASD1 can be, nor how freeing it can be to finally know what to call it.

 

[SimplyWandering]

Some people don't like to be criticised no matter how much you sugar coat it. He also probably doesn't like to be told that there is something "wrong" about him.

Perhaps he is happy as he is and doesn't want to change (improve?)
This does possibly mean that you are incompatible unless you can accept him as he is too.

I'm not saying that he doesn't need to change but that it has to be something he wants to do for himself.

He does want to change or at least wants to learn the skills of how not to react so defensively when I push and prod, which exists in all relationships. He has recently been going to a therapist. It took a long time to get him to go... we all need someone to talk to.

I do know that I am not helping his anxiety, but his procrastination causes me anxiety.

I totally understand what you are saying, but I perseverate over the same things all the time, and these happen to be the things that bother me.

 

[Cazelle]

If he has recently started seeing a therapist, give him some time. Maybe after a while he will explore this idea with his therapist when he is ready to.

If him not moving at the rate that you would like him to is causing you anxiety, then that part of the problem is on you. It isn't fair to cause him anxiety in an attempt at alleviate your own.

Do you love him for who he is, just as he is now? Could you cope if he never chooses to get a diagnosis or assessment done?

 

[Baeraad]

I remember when someone first suggested I was autistic it felt like a slap in the face. Like I wasn't just having trouble, I was officially broken.

The problem is, in some ways that's true. And it doesn't go away because you ignore it. Knowing what coping mechanisms to use helps a lot.

Maybe just give him some time to get used to the idea?

 

[AloneNotLonely]

If you have autism and he knows about it, then this is the reddest frigging flag there is. It's redder than communism.

Otherwise... totally normal. People usually don't take kindly to out-of-context psycho-analysis within a relationship. You just don't do it. No matter how crazy someone is acting. If a crazy GF/BF ever asks you "Do you think I am crazy?" then you should not, ever, no matter how tempting it is, say "yes". I like to live on the edge, and when asked even I said "Nope, honey, you just love me too much". I do not think I would be alive today if I would have said "Yes".

 

[Xerces Blue]

@AloneNotLonely is on the mark here.

I recall the first time I was told I might be on the spectrum - I felt like i was under attack, due to my misconceptions and ignorance of the subject.
He may be in a similar situation.

 

[GrownupGirl]

Of course he's heard so much negativity about autism that it would make him upset. It's like we're not allowed to say anything positive about it or about autistic people in general.