Irakus34
Just someone else in this world.
Hi.
It's been a while. Trying to cope up with a lot of feelings that are drowning me from time to time. What causes meltdowns more often.
Actually, the other day I had one of the worst meltdowns I've suffered in years. Nothing was in my control. Nothing could be fixed by me. Yet, everyone expected me to do so. So indeed my resilience broke so tiny after really though moments.
However, starting from the very beginning, I got a job on August under the COMPANY's desicion to find me someone who could take me in car to the village everyday. I said I knew a girl who had offered me to help me. Then, we talked and agreed that each day costed me 5€ because of gasoline. I agreed but told her I'd pay her the whole month once I was paid at the end of it. She agreed too.
For almost 40 days, this agreement worked correctly. Until the very last day. She asked me the previous night if I could pay her before because she was really bad with money, but I said no because I am in the same situation. I didn't care too much and on Sunday, our shift started at 2:15PM so we part off around 1:20PM. Then, at 12:15PM I asked her when to meet as she hadn't talked to me since last night. Her response was "I don't know because I have no money for gasoline".
I won't lie, I started to get nervous because if she couldn't take me there, I had no other option possible. Then, she answered again saying that "I recommend you to tell our chief you can't go today if you don't pay me because you can't afford the gasoline needs because I've been paying it all and now I haven't any left". I was speechless because I HAD PAID HER. The day we accorded and the money too. Then, I answered exactly that, I've stuck to our agreement and she went back "yes, but last month I had enough money, but not now. When things happen, happen". I was pretty speechless when she even added "I don't know about you, but I may find someone who can take me there". But the best part was when she asked me "go to our chief and ask for money beforehand". Why do I even have to ask FOR MY MONEY when it's HER GASOLINE?!
I have no idea how that works in other countries but I assure you in Spain, everything is closed on Sundays. Banks, companies. No way I could have money in half an hour. Way less for her damn gasoline.
Then, as I was understanding she wasn't going to take me there no matter what I said, I told her I was going to ask our chief for another employee in my town that had the same shift and could do me a favour. She immediately told me I wouldn't find such and encouraged me several times to ask for my money. It was cheekier and cheekier.
However, the worst came when I asked my chief at 12:38PM about someone available and AFTER 15MIN she asnwered "talk with your workmates". I was like what because my purpose was getting information of who was working in my shift that was from my town and who had a car because I didn't know anything of that and way less had a phone.
The hilarious part? I shared this to her and she said "good, I'm glad she has fixed it for you". What I immediately thought, what the hell has she read to reach that conclusion? Because literally I was left with more questions and anxiety than answers.
Reaching this point, it was like 1:05PM and I was already shaking, trying to calm my breath before I would lose all. Because it wasn't just losing a day or working, but also it was my last day and I had to deliver my keys and pick up my stuff from my locker.
I called in a rush to my chief when she answered me that the only available car was already carrying 5 people. The call supposed me more anxiety and more when I receiving the answer of "it's not my problem, find someone who can take you here, see you". I froze. And of course I couldn't breathe anymore. The girl at 1:12Pm told me that she was being taken by a friend's boyfriend in a while in a 2-seat car coincidentally. It was still 1:15PM, 3 minutes after when I wrote her if 20€ were enough for going. Then, her answer was "have said that before, I've already parted off like 2 or 5 minutes ago".
Maybe I'm really thinking too deep, but she gets someone to take her there in half an hour, in a 2-car seat, parting from my town at exactly the same hour as she usually parts off what it would be a while, but if I count well it should be when she sent the first message... Conclusion? She wanted the gasoline money right that day instead of waiting because it was my last day and she was awful enough to do that to me when I've never EVER caused her any trouble or at least I've tried to do so.
But still, when I saw this I opened my contacts and found a friend with car. She didn't pick up and when she asked me, she wasn't in town. I called another friend, but her husband was working so couldn't either. I was already starting the meltdown with a very high level of frustration and confusion, way way more than anytime of my life.
Then, my mother told me to stop and accept that I couldn't go that day no matter what. I went to inform my chief through message because I couldn't and didn't want another call. That would just add wood to the fire. I felt deeply responsible, it was my work, I was leaving a coworker alone in my unity, I wouldn't even be able to say goodbye to my patients. Not to add my stuff keeping there. And suddenly a call arrived.
I panicked, my social phobia striked as never in my life. I passed the phone to my mother, but all my chief could answer her was "I have nothing to talk with you". I was deep mad, but the fear collapsed me. I was hyperventilating already, but even when I picked it up, all I received was a shout "what's that that you can't come?! YOU MUST COME!".
As if I didn't know that. "You're leaving a person alone! You must come!" "I know but I can't find anyone that can take me there" "THEN, THINK MORE!"
I was so mad. So so mad. "I'm already thinking, I've been asking around but no one can!" "Yes? Who have you asked?" "You know the girl couldn't take me because of the gasoline, I asked you about the car and they can't either, I called two friends and can't. I can't go!" "That's not my problem but you must come, do whatever it takes you but come".
Never, ever shout to someone who's under a meltdown. "WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? PICK UP A CAB? DO YOU WANT ME TO GO BY A CAB? I'M SORRY BUT I CAN'T AFFORD IT, I DON'T HAVE MONEY, I'M VERY SORRY BUT I DO NOT HAVE IT!"
Her answer "well, I call you in 5 min" and hung me up.
Never called back luckily, but I started to hyperventilate as never in my life. I couldn't accept that was happening to me. That everyone was treating me so badly when the same week I had lost my grandmother too. Empathy is a must in my job as we work with sick people. She showed not only zero empathy but also zero professionalism.
My social phobia went crazy. I went crazy. Kept crying for a hour. Cuddling on my legs because this time for real I wanted to disappear. It was awful. It was a nightmore. I couldn't talk after. Couldn't move. Couldn't fuction. All my energy was wasted in that. In crying. Fearing everything and everyone. Wondering why me and why did I deserve that. I tried my best in work, I never answered rude to anyone, I helped all my coworkers. I swear I overcame myself day after day so my job would be done professionally.
But I guess when someone just hates you just for whoever why, I can be perfect and still be stabbed.
I still have to go to the village to pick up my stuff. I really hope everything is there. Because I would sue them otherwise. And the girl won't see a single penny from me either. I'm nice, too nice until stupid, but enough. I'm done. Adults are the worst sometimes.
And this was how my working experience ended. I'm sorry I didn't do all I could. I'm not social, I haven't got tons of friends or family to call for help. I succumb to fear when I'm not okay. I'm not perfect. But I swear I never tried to hurt or perjudicate someone on purpose.
Thanks for reading.
Tomoya 21/09/2022 11:41PM
It's been a while. Trying to cope up with a lot of feelings that are drowning me from time to time. What causes meltdowns more often.
Actually, the other day I had one of the worst meltdowns I've suffered in years. Nothing was in my control. Nothing could be fixed by me. Yet, everyone expected me to do so. So indeed my resilience broke so tiny after really though moments.
However, starting from the very beginning, I got a job on August under the COMPANY's desicion to find me someone who could take me in car to the village everyday. I said I knew a girl who had offered me to help me. Then, we talked and agreed that each day costed me 5€ because of gasoline. I agreed but told her I'd pay her the whole month once I was paid at the end of it. She agreed too.
For almost 40 days, this agreement worked correctly. Until the very last day. She asked me the previous night if I could pay her before because she was really bad with money, but I said no because I am in the same situation. I didn't care too much and on Sunday, our shift started at 2:15PM so we part off around 1:20PM. Then, at 12:15PM I asked her when to meet as she hadn't talked to me since last night. Her response was "I don't know because I have no money for gasoline".
I won't lie, I started to get nervous because if she couldn't take me there, I had no other option possible. Then, she answered again saying that "I recommend you to tell our chief you can't go today if you don't pay me because you can't afford the gasoline needs because I've been paying it all and now I haven't any left". I was speechless because I HAD PAID HER. The day we accorded and the money too. Then, I answered exactly that, I've stuck to our agreement and she went back "yes, but last month I had enough money, but not now. When things happen, happen". I was pretty speechless when she even added "I don't know about you, but I may find someone who can take me there". But the best part was when she asked me "go to our chief and ask for money beforehand". Why do I even have to ask FOR MY MONEY when it's HER GASOLINE?!
I have no idea how that works in other countries but I assure you in Spain, everything is closed on Sundays. Banks, companies. No way I could have money in half an hour. Way less for her damn gasoline.
Then, as I was understanding she wasn't going to take me there no matter what I said, I told her I was going to ask our chief for another employee in my town that had the same shift and could do me a favour. She immediately told me I wouldn't find such and encouraged me several times to ask for my money. It was cheekier and cheekier.
However, the worst came when I asked my chief at 12:38PM about someone available and AFTER 15MIN she asnwered "talk with your workmates". I was like what because my purpose was getting information of who was working in my shift that was from my town and who had a car because I didn't know anything of that and way less had a phone.
The hilarious part? I shared this to her and she said "good, I'm glad she has fixed it for you". What I immediately thought, what the hell has she read to reach that conclusion? Because literally I was left with more questions and anxiety than answers.
Reaching this point, it was like 1:05PM and I was already shaking, trying to calm my breath before I would lose all. Because it wasn't just losing a day or working, but also it was my last day and I had to deliver my keys and pick up my stuff from my locker.
I called in a rush to my chief when she answered me that the only available car was already carrying 5 people. The call supposed me more anxiety and more when I receiving the answer of "it's not my problem, find someone who can take you here, see you". I froze. And of course I couldn't breathe anymore. The girl at 1:12Pm told me that she was being taken by a friend's boyfriend in a while in a 2-seat car coincidentally. It was still 1:15PM, 3 minutes after when I wrote her if 20€ were enough for going. Then, her answer was "have said that before, I've already parted off like 2 or 5 minutes ago".
Maybe I'm really thinking too deep, but she gets someone to take her there in half an hour, in a 2-car seat, parting from my town at exactly the same hour as she usually parts off what it would be a while, but if I count well it should be when she sent the first message... Conclusion? She wanted the gasoline money right that day instead of waiting because it was my last day and she was awful enough to do that to me when I've never EVER caused her any trouble or at least I've tried to do so.
But still, when I saw this I opened my contacts and found a friend with car. She didn't pick up and when she asked me, she wasn't in town. I called another friend, but her husband was working so couldn't either. I was already starting the meltdown with a very high level of frustration and confusion, way way more than anytime of my life.
Then, my mother told me to stop and accept that I couldn't go that day no matter what. I went to inform my chief through message because I couldn't and didn't want another call. That would just add wood to the fire. I felt deeply responsible, it was my work, I was leaving a coworker alone in my unity, I wouldn't even be able to say goodbye to my patients. Not to add my stuff keeping there. And suddenly a call arrived.
I panicked, my social phobia striked as never in my life. I passed the phone to my mother, but all my chief could answer her was "I have nothing to talk with you". I was deep mad, but the fear collapsed me. I was hyperventilating already, but even when I picked it up, all I received was a shout "what's that that you can't come?! YOU MUST COME!".
As if I didn't know that. "You're leaving a person alone! You must come!" "I know but I can't find anyone that can take me there" "THEN, THINK MORE!"
I was so mad. So so mad. "I'm already thinking, I've been asking around but no one can!" "Yes? Who have you asked?" "You know the girl couldn't take me because of the gasoline, I asked you about the car and they can't either, I called two friends and can't. I can't go!" "That's not my problem but you must come, do whatever it takes you but come".
Never, ever shout to someone who's under a meltdown. "WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? PICK UP A CAB? DO YOU WANT ME TO GO BY A CAB? I'M SORRY BUT I CAN'T AFFORD IT, I DON'T HAVE MONEY, I'M VERY SORRY BUT I DO NOT HAVE IT!"
Her answer "well, I call you in 5 min" and hung me up.
Never called back luckily, but I started to hyperventilate as never in my life. I couldn't accept that was happening to me. That everyone was treating me so badly when the same week I had lost my grandmother too. Empathy is a must in my job as we work with sick people. She showed not only zero empathy but also zero professionalism.
My social phobia went crazy. I went crazy. Kept crying for a hour. Cuddling on my legs because this time for real I wanted to disappear. It was awful. It was a nightmore. I couldn't talk after. Couldn't move. Couldn't fuction. All my energy was wasted in that. In crying. Fearing everything and everyone. Wondering why me and why did I deserve that. I tried my best in work, I never answered rude to anyone, I helped all my coworkers. I swear I overcame myself day after day so my job would be done professionally.
But I guess when someone just hates you just for whoever why, I can be perfect and still be stabbed.
I still have to go to the village to pick up my stuff. I really hope everything is there. Because I would sue them otherwise. And the girl won't see a single penny from me either. I'm nice, too nice until stupid, but enough. I'm done. Adults are the worst sometimes.
And this was how my working experience ended. I'm sorry I didn't do all I could. I'm not social, I haven't got tons of friends or family to call for help. I succumb to fear when I'm not okay. I'm not perfect. But I swear I never tried to hurt or perjudicate someone on purpose.
Thanks for reading.
Tomoya 21/09/2022 11:41PM
