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I see "too much" detail

Discussion in 'Introduce Yourself' started by BeachLife, Nov 8, 2018.

  1. BeachLife

    BeachLife 40's woman newly diagnosed

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    Hi all,
    After recent diagnosis, I have a deeper awareness of aspects of myself . It is still like a mystery unfolding.

    I have been thinking a lot about hyper focus.

    I have seem to cause negative interpretions of my personality and annoying, upsetting or even angering people by including too many details in my communications. I do this when speaking, in emails, text messages. I don't post on social media anymore as I realised how out of touch i am with the unspoken rules. I always thought of my communication as really high quality, because of my comfortability with being upfront and honest, and thought that being detailed in my descriptions or experiences would make me more clearly understood.

    I'm now beginning to understand that my communication is in fact impaired...it must be. I've literally gotten myself into trouble and caused myself huge problems by being taken completely the wrong way. I think too that my hyperfocus must show through because of this , exposing me as "different" to NT's...and this difference can make some NT'S think I'm odd at best, and at worst, they must suspect that my hyperfocus is caused by me being a person who is mad or mean, both of which i am not, but certainly feel as though I am sometimes when feeling down. The veil has only recently been removed do I'm still processing the fact that I am autistic, there are mixed feelings there.

    Anotjer example is, I had to keep a personal medical report recently to give my doctor. He had a chuckle when he said it was an essay! He said most people put about 10entries and I had put 30, with detailed descriptions. Of course I was thinking that the more accurate info, the better. He was friendly but made no attempt to hide how odd he thought it was. This was a harmless way to trigger me into the realisation that this has been a real problem.

    -Does anyone know a good guideline to use when trying to keep things simple in communication with NT's? especially authority figures who I need to appear NT around for my own self preservation (unfortunately!).

    -Im trying to find a positive to all this, can anyone suggest where these skills may be useful instead of threatening to other people?

    I'm feeling down about it all, thanks everyone
     
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  2. Kyou Nukui

    Kyou Nukui music is amazing

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    Thank you for posting this, it makes me feel less alone. I am "in the same boat".
    I will stop there, otherwise I'll end up writing an essay on precisely why I feel like this too, with detailed examples. :rolleyes::oops:

    I'm not sure where this level of detail and precision can be an advantage. I think it often overwhelmes people who can only absorb a few "headlines". This is frustrating because I am absolutely certain that the message is not clear without the detail... Oh here I go starting another essay. Okay I'm going to stop here lol. :oops::oops:

    I also have a need to edit my posts after I read them back and I usually add more detail. Then I have to go back and edit again because I have learned that the wall of text is going to overwhelm people and they'll miss the most significant parts.
     
    Last edited: Nov 8, 2018
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  3. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I try to write things out where I think I can not possibly be misunderstood - yet am still misunderstood. But not so much here. I find usually it's people who don't like that I'm not totally agreeing with them so they stop paying attention to what I'm saying and get all bent out of shape. Most people don't like honesty - but I'm honest so people don't like me so much. And I can't get my point across to anyone that I have just as much right to my opinions, likes and dislikes as everyone else. I don't try to change anyone and I expect the same. Anyhow - probably have gotten a little off the subject.
    I'll take a long detailed list to the doctor's but end up not getting it out of my purse. Well, most the time I'm carrying a notebook and even writing more as I'm waiting and still don't open the notebook. lol
     
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  4. sidd851

    sidd851 If I'm not late, I'm not needed. V.I.P Member

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    Thank you for this post. It is similar to a conversation I have been having, recently.
    First--- The universe, the world, everything in them, and life itself, is filled with copious amounts of information. Around us is an infinite cornucopia of richly varied sights, sounds, and sensations, each with it's own intimate, subtle, variegated textures. Things as seemingly uniform as acorns, or seashells, or ants, have infinite points
    of difference and variety. Indeed, the points of any two needles are vastly different, there are no two alike,
    one needs only to look closer, deeper, to render the term "identical" a fantasy.
    Now add to these three dimensional objects, time. In doing so, one has added infinite possibilities to the already infinite differences between them.
    Consider, for a moment, that there are approximately 12,000,000,000,000,000,000 atoms in one grain of salt.

    There are few among us who, as children, have not experienced the wonder and enrapt fascination of discovery. Those few of us, the movers, the thinkers, the inventors, those that have shaped our world,
    have always been those among us who are able to see the subtleties, the differences minute enough to
    escape the awareness and detection of all but the most perceptive of us. It is natural, when you can perceive this level of detail, to wish to describe it, especially to those unable, and unaware of it's existence.
    I have the same tendencies(abilities) that you describe above. It took a great deal of getting batted
    around, before I realized their true value.

    For personal communications and interactions, you may well wish to tone down your descriptiveness.
    The casual nature usually means that you don't have to be so descriptive.
    Get ready, though. You'll find yourself answering ALOT more questions, sometimes even,
    "You didn't tell me THAT!!!", "Why didn't you TELL me that?!!?!!".
    There is no consistent "correct" amount of information in dealing with your average human.
    What they wish to be aware of changes with their moods, deeds, and intent.

    I have always been astounded by those among us who, when looking, for instance, at a ball, see only a ball.
    When I look at the same object, I am assaulted with information.
    Those that play with this ball most likely don't play for a team, there are no cleat scars.
    They play on a designated field, though, there are white chalk scuffs.
    It is not well taken care of, I can see where the rain has swelled and cracked the leather.
    It was important to someone, in times past, I can see the fading indelible marker of an autograph.
    Someone has entertained their dog, bite marks, there, and there. A LARGE dog.
    The mild swelling on one side, as of a growing tumor--- It's been mistreated.

    If I had looked for more than 6 or 7 seconds, I am sure that I would have noticed more, would know more.

    I have been lucky to have worked in highly technical fields, with a great deal of troubleshooting involved.
    I have also had the pleasure of being highly respected and valued by the majority of employers.
    Unfortunately, I have also been resented by a large number of those that felt daunted or limited by my abilities.
    I've been the victim of sabotage, material and verbal, by those unscrupulous, who wanted more recognition, pay, or seniority.
    One dirty trick that has been used to discredit my contributions, is this.
    If I were to troubleshoot a piece of equipment that others had been unable to diagnose, and I was able to
    discover what was wrong with it, I would likely be asked to explain, both because others were unable to ascertain the problem, and because a cost assessment in downtime, repair time, and parts/materials was needed as sometimes millions of dollars were riding on the outcome.
    I would begin to describe the complex nature of the problem(s) and, invariably would be stopped, usually by a
    a peer(often the most difficult problems, or repair of the most expensive or critical pieces of equipment were discussed as a team, to get the benefit of everyone's experience and knowledge).
    They'd tell me, "Just cut to the chase."
    So I would tell an abridged version of the complex problem.
    Immediately, they would hit me with question after question, not with the intent of better understanding the problem, or my explanation, but with the purpose of asking enough assaultive questions to either find some
    point on which they could disagree, or simply asking enough questions that those listening would get tired of the back and forth, and judge the difference of "opinion" emotionally rather than logically.
    They would turn it into a popularity contest.
    I have long since decided that it is not the telling that is offensive, it is the hearing and not understanding.
    It is an ego unsatisfied with itself.

    Fortunately, most of the time, my abilities were known to my superiors, who would simply ask me what and how long I needed. Over time, I would usually become trusted to diagnose and repair without oversight or consensus, much to the dismay of those seeking to discredit me. They never stopped trying, though.
    On the occasions that I felt uncomfortable or otherwise insecure in my employment, I would simply move on
    to the next opportunity.

    The reason that I relate all this, is because I have found that in most cases, those that claim that I go into
    "too much detail" are those seeking to discredit, those unable to comprehend complex processes, and
    those who are simply envious of my abilities.
    They are those for whom problems are solved by might, rather than understanding.
    They are those that "think" with their emotions.
    They are those that live by their egos.
    They're the "average" people.

    Your perception, your attention to detail, and your highly ordered and descriptive nature is a gift.
    My recommendation is to find a field where your gifts, your talents and well-honed skills, will be recognized.
    A high degree of autonomy is desirable, where you will not be scrutinized, and you are judged on your accomplishments.

    You will always encounter those that will attempt to belittle your abilities and intellectual acuity.
    You will always encounter those that will attempt to discourage you.

    Don't you let them.

    May you be well.

    sidd

    Edit: I will apologize for this "wall of text";), I'm afflicted.:rolleyes::D:):cool:
     
    Last edited: Nov 9, 2018
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  5. Suzanne

    Suzanne Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I gosh I am so like you in this regard.

    My husband is constantly going off at me for not summerizing. He says that my overtalking or explaining, causes people to be confused and gives room for misunderstanding.

    I admit, when I go back and read what I have put, I do often think: oh dear, that was so unneccessary and it freaks me out, when I am called out for my social inaptness, because no matter how much I am told how it is, often I don't get it or disagree with it.

    I gave an example of why, in fact, it is often better to give the whole picture.

    I had chosen to not text my sister's partner anymore and said to her, that I am happy to text through her. I went a said this to my brother that the reason why I stopped texting is because of something she related to me about how her man views me, that I felt it was prudent to end communication. If I had not explained this and just said: I stopped texting, because he could develope feelings for me, that could get a reaction of: do you think you are so important that he would hurt your sister, to go to you? Or something like that. But to explain in detail of why I decided to not contact, makes it all very clear and it was the misunderstanding of what I said to my brother, that has caused a mess!

    I am undergoing tests to for a diagnosist right now and it is freaking me out.
     
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  6. BeachLife

    BeachLife 40's woman newly diagnosed

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  7. puzzlingbill

    puzzlingbill Definitely Someone

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    With me, it seems that the thing most likely to to lead to TMI is the desire to be completely accurate. At work (writing computer software) it was important to learn how to summarize things for others, with the details available if anyone wants to know, so I worked on that quite a bit. It's one of the things I try to be aware of when talking to people, in order to communicate effectively.
     
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  8. BeachLife

    BeachLife 40's woman newly diagnosed

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    Yes I too feel that the message isn't clear without the detail! I edit then go back again and again too, when writing emails. It's exhausting. thanks for being here :)
     
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  9. BeachLife

    BeachLife 40's woman newly diagnosed

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    Ps: Bring on the detailed examples!!!
     
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  10. Progster

    Progster Gone sideways to the sun V.I.P Member

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    I tend to over-explain and over-elaborate, and I often need to edit large part of what I write out. When I'm anxious, I tend to say unnecessary things, repeat or rephrase a lot, or add unnecessary detail, it feels extremely awkward sometimes. The problem is that people tend to read into what I'm saying, there is an assumption that I'm adding that detail for a specific purpose or to manipulate when that is not the case. It can lead to misunderstandings.
     
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  11. BeachLife

    BeachLife 40's woman newly diagnosed

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    Thanks, this is great advice. How do you present the fact that they can get further details from you if the summary isn't enough info?
     
  12. BeachLife

    BeachLife 40's woman newly diagnosed

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    Yes! I have experienced that too, where someone has assumed that I have added particular details to manipulate. The phycologist who diagnosed me said that he knew I was on the spectrum in the first 5 minutes of meeting me because I repeated a point about something many times. I honestly couldn't see any other way of answering the questions! Confusing lol
     
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  13. BeachLife

    BeachLife 40's woman newly diagnosed

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    Thanks for your lovely reply sidd. I appreciate the ''wall of text''!:D and the time you and other people here have taken to support me with this. Your encouragement and kind words go very much appreciated. Thanks B:)
     
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  14. Crossbreed

    Crossbreed Neur-D Missionary ☝️

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    @BeachLife , I'm okay with long posts as long as there are frequent paragraph breaks.
    I've seen some members here put extra details in a "Spoiler" block, which I think is a great idea!
     
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  15. BeachLife

    BeachLife 40's woman newly diagnosed

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    Happy Birthday!!
     
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  16. Progster

    Progster Gone sideways to the sun V.I.P Member

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    Yes, I do that too, I repeat things a lot! (I'm doing it now) :)
     
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  17. Autistamatic

    Autistamatic He's just this guy, you know? V.I.P Member

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    If you want to know something from the inside out, ask an Aspie!
    I can only speak for myself in this case because it is something I've done a lot of soul searching over. I've always been told I go into too much detail - "going back to the dinosaurs" is a phrase I've heard more than once. Some of it I think comes naturally.
    A good example would be of an evening watching TV with my wife. I'll spot an actor who I've seen before in Star Trek for example - I spotted Marc Alaimo in Naked Gun 33 1/3 - his voice is unmistakable. So I called up a picture of Gul Dukat on a tablet and showed my OH. I didn't just say "Oh he used to play this regular alien character in Deep Space Nine.
    Oh no...
    By the time I finished she had heard all about the fascistic political system of the Cardassian Union, the war with the Federation, the occupation of Bajor, the family dynamics of Cardassians, Cardassian torture ("There are FOUR lights!"), Gul Dukat's possession by a Pah Wraith, what Pah Wraiths were, how they related to the wormhole aliens, how that related to Bajoran religion....
    Thankfully she's very patient - I'd be single if she weren't!
    But outside of that there are other reasons. I only started to realise this because of the discomfort I can feel when I truncate explanations. I feel like there is too much left unsaid, that my statements lack weight without being put into context.
    I have been misunderstood so many times by people who made an incorrect assumption about something I have said and it has been turned against me. My need to go into detail is partly a defence against that. If I make the context of everything explicit then there is less leeway for interpretation.
    Trouble is it doesn't work that well - if someone wants to hate on you, they'll find a way. So I try very hard not to do it these days - I try to keep to what I think are the specifics they want to know and wait to ask questions. It ain't easy ;)
     
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  18. web

    web New Member

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    I think mood and mindstate is the 0th order, in that sometimes any person can be in a place they won't hear (overstimulated, upset, distracted, preoccupied with something else). It's always best to be in a positive or at least receptive mood. I've gotten better at understanding when someone needs to be in a different place before sharing. The hard part for me is knowing if anything is going to be helpful in the moment (soothing, dealing with the problem), or if their upset is something they won't release, or the preoccupation is consuming and they can't re-focus. Sometimes it's best to not share certain things with certain people.

    I think preoccupation is something that can be really different; in my experience NT's are more often consumed with a particular goal/desire to the point of denying certain actualities. This is where I feel deed & intent come in, in that they want something specific. And personally, I can get consumed with thinking about something that feels more important/interesting, or with finding out details they don't want to share.

    Many NT's want to know what the goal is before they contextualize, and they only look at what they need to in order to confirm certain assumptions. This can work well for things that need to be done fast and already fit into a known framework, but it can also backfire if details that would change the assumptions or goal are overlooked. Curious if other people observe this too, how your observations differ.

    I first wish to be aware of the fullness of the contextual situation; I like to know and share the relevant histories that shaped the present state of things, and the context that influences it strongly in the moment; especially those aspects of the past that will alter how the present is perceived and the approaches that are more likely to be positive or effective.

    Intent: I want to know my time-scale, that can change a lot. If it is a functional (or perceptually important) decision I want to know if there is other information out there about people who have made particular decisions, and the context that influences the consequences. How does this differ? Because often the little differences alter what is needed. If I'm exploring, I often just want to zoom in & in & in.

    I think there can be a latching on to all sorts of things, whatever strikes them as the 'point', whether it's their perception of others intent/purpose, or some emotional response (disliking something said, getting upset ~ that's what they latch onto, to counter). Even happiness, they want to focus in on the thing that makes them happy. Or concepts, either clinging to one of how it's supposed to go & being frustrated we aren't doing it, or interpreting something we say as referring to an idea it isn't necessarily. Why would we talk about things that don't have a specific purpose? The mindset seems to come from not seeing we are trying to share context, both for understanding implications, and because experiences are totally different.

    I think this is where there is an important distinction: clarity correlates to simplicity, to certainty, which is assisted by abstraction & generalization. A 'ball' is clear.

    Fuller understanding correlates to particularity, details and their inter-relatedness. The details of it's state of existence do not lead to an easy generalization. They add murkiness & complication, change how it's seen (no longer a simple object with a simple purpose), but also quiddity, reality, potentials. Conclusions & clarity necessarily exclude.

    Most people want clarity, want to be able to categorize things. How do we decide to choose what overarching category we want what we are sharing to be perceived in?

    Choosing your 'points' and just saying those, linking layers of nested details to each that can be expounded on. 3 tends to be the biggest easy number of points for a lot of people to absorb.
    Explicitly first saying "relevant context" or "in terms of process". I've only started thinking about this recently. The thing that doesn't work is saying "the issue/problem," because people immediately become antagonistic. Instead, I focus on "refine" or "adapt" or "permute", something that implies starting with their/the accepted base and a specific change with it's positive potentials that aren't being realized (here, supporting evidence that something is a problem has both helped and hurt me... haven't figured it out yet).

    Relationally, "I want to verbally explore," "I'm having difficulties, will you help me understand?" "I need to find a sustainable change," some overarching shadow to give them an anchor while I can still dive into details. "Mirror?" is a method I use for needing to be heard or just hear about relational issues, where one person shares & the other reflects back, until the first person feels understood.

    I've also found it is a good protective mechanism to screen people; who earns the right for me to share certain things? Most people get a super short version that fits into a box, even if it isn't one they tend to see. [Example: social "how are you?" "Existing!" If I'm feeling anything positive as an aspect of experience, I usually just say happy/peaceful/excited, anything that doesn't invite depth unless they are a close friend] It can feel dishonest by omission, but that's the price of certainty.
    I reserve detailed honesty for those that can be trusted and want to truly understand. It has been freeing, and sharing has become mostly positive & beautiful.
     
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  19. tree

    tree Blue/Green Staff Member V.I.P Member

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    As far as written clarity goes, I find that
    an adaptation of the Rule of Three is useful.

    "The rule of three is a writing principle that suggests that a trio of events or characters is more humorous, satisfying, or effective than other numbers in execution of the story and engaging the reader."
    Rule of three (writing) - Wikipedia

    Too much detail mars clarity. My goal is to use only the words
    necessary to convey the idea.
     
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  20. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Had to laugh at parts of this and I love your first quote.
    But your looking something up and going into detail about that person and everything related reminded me of something. My son had gone to a movie and I asked him what it was about. I could have watched the movie in a shorter time - not joking. lol But then later I realized I'm just as bad.
     
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