I really want to die

[Matthew Behnke]

I feel like I was secretly depressed the whole time I was on my path, and I cried all the time because of my OCD, anxiety, due to the fact it was too much, when I did nothing in my life, I just ignored it because I did not see meaning in life, but when I did, and my parents said I was a inspiration for people because I was learning Russian and had a girl from there, that I thought it was too hard and no matter how many anxiety pills I took, I would still be sad and OCD will just kill me no matter what I did and the world did not believe, even if I try hard enough, my OCD will say it’s not enough, and that other people achieved more and I am only being held back because of my OCD, my OCD feels like a time bomb that will kill me, that I just made myself suffer from it and was depressed all along, I feel like I held that depression in and that I wasn’t telling the truth, I feel no one saw I was suffering more than they believed, that I was suffering challenges more than they thought, I just want to die, life is too hard, I would rather die from trying too hard.

 

[Fino]

There's no reason to try so hard. Just relax. You're here in this world to enjoy yourself.

Have you started being more honest with people about these kinds of feelings?

 

[Mia]

Seems like your overthinking this too much. And I do not wish to downplay your depression or anxiety, that you seem to hide from others close to you. As the depression and anxiety and the OCD is part of who you are. No, it's not easy to live with, it can be very hard being a perfectionist. But you can find another use for it, that focus and that intensity for things in your life, for your interests.

You might think of it now as hard, as difficult, but tomorrow it could be better. The feelings do come and go, and are not the same every day. Your kind of pain is so intense and difficult, and I remember how that was, how that felt, how much it hurt. It seemed too much to handle. Yet it went away, eventually and it was better. It will for you.

 

[Sarah S]

The more you try to fight against youre diagnosis the more will they grow in strengths and fight you back im afraid. Trying to hide this from those around you DONT work (im talking from own experince) it will come back and bite you sooner or later.

Like both Fino and Mia says youre asking to much of youre self. NOONE is 101 % perfect its just the fact of life.

And last if you have this level of problems you really need to go to the specialist docs and get some help ASAP & TRUST me on this you DONT want to commit suicide it will not /has not ever been the right (or even the easy ) way out

 

[Thinx]

This sounds difficult for you, and it sounds like you have really battled against challenging issues that have made your path hard. I think anyone would find this tough and too much at times. The OCD sounds like it can be full on, and aswell you were depressed but no one knew?

Have you had any help with any of this, is there support for you? You are very young, and most adults would find all this difficult, and would need plenty of support. Do you go to school, what's that like if so?

 

[Matthew Behnke]

This sounds difficult for you, and it sounds like you have really battled against challenging issues that have made your path hard. I think anyone would find this tough and too much at times. The OCD sounds like it can be full on, and aswell you were depressed but no one knew?

Have you had any help with any of this, is there support for you? You are very young, and most adults would find all this difficult, and would need plenty of support. Do you go to school, what's that like if so?

I agree, I haven't told anyone I loved what I felt but I want to, I feel keeping it in has harmed me more than it has been.

Recently, I have been unschooling but I feel going back to school and instituting myself back in it would do me more harm than good, I support my parents for this, what I went through was very painful, I am learning a language, I do support my goals and I do support my girlfriend who is from Russia.

I love her because that is the only person I look up to and helps me look up when I feel down, I do want people to know I am depressed and know I shouldn't make myself go through this alone, I do want to achieve my goals for a better life.

People don't realize how bad OCD really is, I had to work for my target goal but I also went through a lot of emotional pain trying to be passionate for others and trying to look on the bright side, I know the challenges I face are hard but at the same time I care for my future and I know I have to experience life even if I go through difficult situations.

But I know I suffer too much than an average adult, and that I know I need help, that I can not hide this from people, I know what I go through is awful and I had to mostly distance myself from school to ease the pain too.

 

[Sarah S]

I agree, I haven't told anyone I loved what I felt but I want to, I feel keeping it in has harmed me more than it has been.

Recently, I have been unschooling but I feel going back to school and instituting myself back in it would do me more harm than good, I support my parents for this, what I went through was very painful, I am learning a language, I do support my goals and I do support my girlfriend who is from Russia.

I love her because that is the only person I look up to and helps me look up when I feel down, I do want people to know I am depressed and know I shouldn't make myself go through this alone, I do want to achieve my goals for a better life.

People don't realize how bad OCD really is, I had to work for my target goal but I also went through a lot of emotional pain trying to be passionate for others and trying to look on the bright side, I know the challenges I face are hard but at the same time I care for my future and I know I have to experience life even if I go through difficult situations.

But I know I suffer too much than an average adult, and that I know I need help, that I can not hide this from people, I know what I go through is awful and I had to mostly distance myself from school to ease the pain too.

As i said one of the mistakes many with what ever diagnosis of this kind (ie Depression /anxiety etc... ) is too try to keep it locket inside and hidden from the world . this in facts only makes youre feelings grow even stronger then they alredy was and trust me when i say sooner or later it will demand you take care of it (as you have alredy noticed )

I understand this but cant you and youre parents contact the school and see if they cant figure out a way for you to come back on YOURE terms ?

Im happy you found a GF that are there for you and helps you feel better

I had friends with Severe OCD so belive me i understand BUT again you have to try too accept that not everything you do will be 100 % perfect. All you can do is youre best

Belive me i understand but you CANT do all this alone you need help and support. Hardly anyone can get thru this things all alone (me included ) and it DONT make you less of a man to accept that you need help.

 

[Matthew Behnke]

As i said one of the mistakes many with what ever diagnosis of this kind (ie Depression /anxiety etc... ) is too try to keep it locket inside and hidden from the world . this in facts only makes youre feelings grow even stronger then they alredy was and trust me when i say sooner or later it will demand you take care of it (as you have alredy noticed )

I understand this but cant you and youre parents contact the school and see if they cant figure out a way for you to come back on YOURE terms ?

Im happy you found a GF that are there for you and helps you feel better

I had friends with Severe OCD so belive me i understand BUT again you have to try too accept that not everything you do will be 100 % perfect. All you can do is youre best

Belive me i understand but you CANT do all this alone you need help and support. Hardly anyone can get thru this things all alone (me included ) and it DONT make you less of a man to accept that you need help.

I used to go to a school actually, I went to public school at first but the school system in my city is really bad (Las Vegas) and underfunded, the last school I went to was a religious school, (my parents are LDS), and something felt missing, also it gave me a lot of anxiety and the teachers didn’t help me a lot with it, so I homeschooled, but when I got used to the home environment, I then followed a unschooling curriculum and stopped following a schedule, (learning from experience outside of school and removing yourself from it).

While I like my parents, I still feel my dad dismissed my feelings and even though he knew I was depressed, he acted as if nothing happened, I am still thinking about diagnosis because I feel awful for harming myself.

 

[Matthew Behnke]

For your information, my Mom is a nurse, when I talk about my feelings, she knows that I have expressed those feelings before and get more concerned for me than my Dad.

While I think my dad has helped me a lot, I feel this time, he just said he cared but said it will go away with fun activities and going outside of the house, which made me more sad and didn’t really address my problem.

 

[Matthew Behnke]

I feel if they don’t look into it more and just dismiss it as a feeling and not a mental condition, I won’t get the help I need.

 

[Matthew Behnke]

I feel like they will just continue to treat it as a feeling if I don’t get diagnosed, which is not true, I have been crying for months despite all the pills I took and the inspiration songs, movies.

I am okay with my dad but it’s just that he is not looking through this with a good perspective, and me not getting diagnosed or going to a therapist makes me feel more terrible.

 

[Sarah S]

="Matthew Behnke, post: 673088, member: 22112"]I used to go to a school actually, I went to public school at first but the school system in my city is really bad (Las Vegas) and underfunded, the last school I went to was a religious school, (my parents are LDS), and something felt missing, also it gave me a lot of anxiety and the teachers didn’t help me a lot with it, so I homeschooled, but when I got used to the home environment, I then followed a unschooling curriculum and stopped following a schedule, (learning from experience outside of school and removing yourself from it).

" A well that explains things now i understand better "

While I like my parents, I still feel my dad dismissed my feelings and even though he knew I was depressed, he acted as if nothing happened,

" Have you tried talking to both of youre parents how you feel about all this " you cant expect either of them to be mind readers if you dont say something they will assume its okey "

I am still thinking about diagnosis because I feel awful for harming myself.

" DONT blame youre self ,this will only increase the level of youre anxiety causing you too feel even worse and does again get the erge to self harm. ACCEPT that you have this diagnose and get help AND also try to learn how to adapt to it. "

="Matthew Behnke, post: 673091, member: 22112"]For your information, my Mom is a nurse, when I talk about my feelings, she knows that I have expressed those feelings before and get more concerned for me than my Dad.

" Thats good. then its youre dad that needs help understanding youre diagnosis with the help of youre self and youre mom and if possible a profetional "

While I think my dad has helped me a lot, I feel this time, he just said he cared but said it will go away with fun activities and going outside of the house, which made me more sad and didn’t really address my problem.

" He is right to some point in that if you try to get something more of youre life it will help distract you from constantly thinking of youre problems (the worst enemy you have with Depression and / Anxiety is down time because its then youre mind start to attack you from all fronts) He´s NOT right in it will go away for that you need profetinal help. Also he just try to do what he belives is the right thing probaly based on how he was told when growing upp so dont judge him to hard."

I feel if they don’t look into it more and just dismiss it as a feeling and not a mental condition, I won’t get the help I need.

I understand and again im shore they mean well and do as they were brought upp so again its not that they dont care

="Matthew Behnke, post: 673094, member: 22112"]I feel like they will just continue to treat it as a feeling if I don’t get diagnosed, which is not true, I have been crying for months despite all the pills I took and the inspiration songs, movies

" So you have been on cert meds for this then ?

I am okay with my dad but it’s just that he is not looking through this with a good perspective, and me not getting diagnosed or going to a therapist makes me feel more terrible.

" It could also be that sadly this things cost ALLOT so he and perhaps youre mum feels they cant afoard it. And thats very sad indeed "

 

[Streetwise]

I feel like I was secretly depressed the whole time I was on my path, and I cried all the time because of my OCD, anxiety, due to the fact it was too much, when I did nothing in my life, I just ignored it because I did not see meaning in life, but when I did, and my parents said I was a inspiration for people because I was learning Russian and had a girl from there, that I thought it was too hard and no matter how many anxiety pills I took, I would still be sad and OCD will just kill me no matter what I did and the world did not believe, even if I try hard enough, my OCD will say it’s not enough, and that other people achieved more and I am only being held back because of my OCD, my OCD feels like a time bomb that will kill me, that I just made myself suffer from it and was depressed all along, I feel like I held that depression in and that I wasn’t telling the truth, I feel no one saw I was suffering more than they believed, that I was suffering challenges more than they thought, I just want to die, life is too hard, I would rather die from trying too hard.

Keep talking on here !don't! hold! it !in!write it down! if you can't manage to type! on a keyboard! draw pictures if you can't manage words! I got further than you did I actually suicided! from what I've picked up from my brain I just want pain to stop! Have you tried mindfulness, focusing on something?! I colour in adult colouring books type in mindfulness see what interests you, it helps a lot of people, CBT helped me but I'm in the UK and you only get 6 mandatory sessions , dbt is supposed to help people who are suicidal , haven't tried it had not suicided then, try now !don't ! Get to where I am! you are treated like a criminal, I had a point where I was only allowed 7 tablets per prescription ,so I had to go to the doctor's surgery every single week, I have a friend who was only allowed one tablet per prescription so she had to go every single day, not only were you suicidal but now you are treated like a criminal and you have to be grateful oh so grateful that you are alive! And strangely the people who didn't give a crap now apparently do, if you have any kind of faith in any kind ofgod start using that, I recommend watching videos by people with the the label Asperger's syndrome on YouTube as we have a picture based neurology

I recommend going to the ranting room on this forum, it's supposed to be a place where you don't have to answer anybody some members don't !!!!!!!!!!!!! seem 2 understand this and start a discussion with you when you are losing your mind!but the rule hasn't changed it's just!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! a place to rant not!!!!!!!!!!!!! to discuss !!!!! Or give advice!!!!!!!!!!!!. If I want good-natured advice I will go somewhere else

 

[WoodWorkingJoel]

I feel like they will just continue to treat it as a feeling if I don’t get diagnosed, which is not true, I have been crying for months despite all the pills I took and the inspiration songs, movies.

I am okay with my dad but it’s just that he is not looking through this with a good perspective, and me not getting diagnosed or going to a therapist makes me feel more terrible.

Sounds a bit like your dad just doesn't know how to help, he's probably thinking about it as much as you are. Keep on posting, keep on bringing it up at home if you can.
I know it hard to see when your depressed but it will get better and it sounds like you have people around you that want to help.
Forums are open 24/7 if you need to talk.

 

[Bolletje]

It’s good that you’re verbalizing your thoughts. I’ve kept such thoughts inside for a long time and they had a habit of festering. I’m lucky to have a boyfriend and a few friends I can discuss my suicidal thoughts with (and a psychologist and psychiatrist).
My parents and sister don’t deal well with such information, so I don’t discuss it with them anymore. Since I’m an adult living independently there’s less of a need to discuss it with them either. Sometimes I’m sad, because I wish I could openly talk with my family about my thoughts, but I’ve come to accept that they just don’t deal with that info well.

Speaking of acceptance, I’ve had suicidal periods for 20 years now. I’ve come to accept that it’s a state of mind that happens for me every now and then, and it’s okay to feel that way sometimes. It gets less frightening over time. I just try to remember that such thoughts will ultimately pass. For me, talking helps a lot. Other than that I just try to go on with my daily business. The more time I devote to actually thinking about dying, the more desperate I start feeling.

I don’t know if any of this is helpful to you, it’s just a stream of consciousness writing I guess.

 

[Peter Jansen]

For your information, my Mom is a nurse, when I talk about my feelings, she knows that I have expressed those feelings before and get more concerned for me than my Dad.

While I think my dad has helped me a lot, I feel this time, he just said he cared but said it will go away with fun activities and going outside of the house, which made me more sad and didn’t really address my problem.

Hello Matthew, I'm Peter.

How much do your parents actually know about OCD? Do you have a diagnosis?

 

[Matthew Behnke]

Hello Matthew, I'm Peter.

How much do your parents actually know about OCD? Do you have a diagnosis?

Yes, I have a diagnosis for OCD and have had autism from an early age, I am not really surprised if my depression is the result of OCD, sometimes being a perfectionist, wanting to treat everyone with respect, and wanting to accomplish my goals is so hard.

 

[Matthew Behnke]

Overall, I felt OCD but the situation I was going through was not OCD but depression, because no matter how many pills I took, the depressive state I was in was stronger than OCD, no matter how many songs and pills I took, I was always sad.

I am now taking medication from OCD to depression since my depressive feelings have been worse than OCD, I started to notice a pattern where I would feel good with my OCD but still have good and bad days like other people with depression.

 

[Matthew Behnke]

I view autism as more of a mindset compared to my OCD and depression, ADHD, because while I still say my autism is a disability when people try to say how difficult their life is compared to mine, I really don't view it that way always, I grew up with autism since childhood and I felt it was part of identity and a way of thinking.

 

[Matthew Behnke]

Personally, that is why I hate people who think autistic people just use autism as an excuse, they think of autism as a disability that they use to cover up for their mistakes, autism is not a disability, its a mindset, but people saying stuff like that makes autistic people think they are just disabled and using that disability as a way to say they can do nothing wrong, autistic people can do wrong but I wish people stopped insulting them for saying they are using it as an excuse, that is like a neurotypical person saying that they use their mindset as an excuse.