I never had a relationship but I want to hold off dating until after College, Is it a bad thing?

[aspieman2396]

I recently made the decision that I am going to hold off dating until after college. With the state that I am in, I just feel like it's not a viable option right now. I tried to get my foot in the door with girls but they all rejected me for my "weirdness", me getting bullied and dealing with my dysfunctional family and as a result I got insecure about myself and it stayed with me all the way to high school and college. I never had a girlfriend or even a first kiss that's how inexperienced I am although I did get close a couple of times .

I have some issues that I am trying to work out and I decided that I rather work on myself first because if I am in a relationship right now , I feel like I will be a very horrible boyfriend and I don't want that on my conscience and besides I feel like all the roughest times in my life, I've been through them by myself. There are some days that I feel like I am glad that I am single. I also am inexperienced with talking with women as a result of my diagnosis. Also, right now I am dealing with anger and depression stemming from all of theses years. Does anyone feel the same way?

 

[aspieman2396]

Also with some norms nowadays that women (trying to be alpha, being too tough with their men, they are nothing but trouble, being promiscuous, bratty, stuck up, stubborn etc.) I just roll by myself. If there is someone that interests me, she has to give me the butterflies and only one girl did that to me, there's also that.

 

[Bolletje]

I think it's a very wise decision to just hold off on dating for now.
Working on your own development and becoming a more well-rounded person is a sensible investment in your own future. Deal with your personal problems, work out some issues, hopefully learn to be happy with who you are, before entering the dating pool.

Besides, in my personal experience, as an Aspie you're better off dating people who are emotionally mature. Postponing dating for a while longer sounds like a win-win that way, doesn't it?

 

[Beguiling Orbit]

I didn't feel that way when I was 21, but I sure wish I had. For some reason, many people feel like they are incomplete without a significant other. I know I did. I was married by age 22. The only good thing that came out of that relationship is my wonderful daughter.

You are wise beyond your years to have grasped the fact that you will have much, much more to offer your future partner only AFTER you have worked out your own issues. Very mature. My advice to you from my hard-learned lessons is to wait until you have established your career to get serious with someone. Until then, hang out with young ladies in friendly group settings (perhaps meetups or student orgs that you are interested in), keep it casual and improve your communication skills without all the pressures of a committed relationship.

 

[aspieman2396]

I think it's a very wise decision to just hold off on dating for now.
Working on your own development and becoming a more well-rounded person is a sensible investment in your own future. Deal with your personal problems, work out some issues, hopefully learn to be happy with who you are, before entering the dating pool.

Besides, in my personal experience, as an Aspie you're better off dating people who are emotionally mature. Postponing dating for a while longer sounds like a win-win that way, doesn't it?

I am planning to go to a therapist and exercise... someone told me that sweating the toxins out helps.

 

[aspieman2396]

I didn't feel that way when I was 21, but I sure wish I had. For some reason, many people feel like they are incomplete without a significant other. I know I did. I was married by age 22. The only good thing that came out of that relationship is my wonderful daughter.

You are wise beyond your years to have grasped the fact that you will have much, much more to offer your future partner only AFTER you have worked out your own issues. Very mature. My advice to you from my hard-learned lessons is to wait until you have established your career to get serious with someone. Until then, hang out with young ladies in friendly group settings (perhaps meetups or student orgs that you are interested in), keep it casual and improve your communication skills without all the pressures of a committed relationship.

It's not like I don't feel incomplete without an SO. I really want love, I want a girl, I want someone who accepts me for who I am, but I just don't want whoever I date to be miserable especially for something that isn't her fault. I have a temper, could come off as rude sometimes and very anxious, I feel like I need to get those things eliminated or under control or else I am in very big trouble.

 

[aspieman2396]

I think it's a very wise decision to just hold off on dating for now.
Working on your own development and becoming a more well-rounded person is a sensible investment in your own future. Deal with your personal problems, work out some issues, hopefully learn to be happy with who you are, before entering the dating pool.

Besides, in my personal experience, as an Aspie you're better off dating people who are emotionally mature. Postponing dating for a while longer sounds like a win-win that way, doesn't it?

Yeah, I learned from the mistakes of others.

 

[Catalyst]

I think it's different for girls. Most of the guys I dated growing up were kinda outcasts too though, so that helped. And I think outcasts had enough weirdness that they accepted my weirdness. But I do wish I'd spent more time on myself instead of constantly getting into relationships (since I was 10 I had a "boyfriend," even if we didn't do much besides talk). I do think it's harder to date post-college, though, because at least in college when you share classes you can find common interests in what you're studying. Might be a benefit of being a life-long learner, though. That's if you're not afraid of how a relationship will affect a work dynamic. So there's good and bad involved in waiting til after college. Though, you may not even be ready for a relationship after college, too. Honestly, I don't think I became a whole person until I'd gotten a lot of therapy, which the best therapy I got was around around the age of 30. I had started looking for a good therapist when I was 25 (probably a little late considering some of my issues, but I had insurance then). It also didn't happen until I was single, which you're already perfectly fine with. It's also okay to never get into a relationship if you don't feel the need to have one. Plenty of people never date their entire lives and it's still meaningful and happy.

 

[aspieman2396]

I think it's different for girls. Most of the guys I dated growing up were kinda outcasts too though, so that helped. And I think outcasts had enough weirdness that they accepted my weirdness. But I do wish I'd spent more time on myself instead of constantly getting into relationships (since I was 10 I had a "boyfriend," even if we didn't do much besides talk). I do think it's harder to date post-college, though, because at least in college when you share classes you can find common interests in what you're studying. Might be a benefit of being a life-long learner, though. That's if you're not afraid of how a relationship will affect a work dynamic. So there's good and bad involved in waiting til after college. Though, you may not even be ready for a relationship after college, too. Honestly, I don't think I became a whole person until I'd gotten a lot of therapy, which the best therapy I got was around around the age of 30. I had started looking for a good therapist when I was 25 (probably a little late considering some of my issues, but I had insurance then). It also didn't happen until I was single, which you're already perfectly fine with. It's also okay to never get into a relationship if you don't feel the need to have one. Plenty of people never date their entire lives and it's still meaningful and happy.

It's ironic that I approached girls and they said that they want to remain single and I saw guys get that same response, and now I understand with the state I am in. I would like to work something out in my senior year, but that's wishful thinking right now at least for me, I am afraid of a relationship because of my faults and my inexperience with being social. It's good to know that I am not alone.

 

[Andrew206]

It's a great idea to work on yourself before entering any relationship. You'll be more ready when you do find the relationship you want.

 

[WereBear]

I agree. Dating is tough enough without struggling with mood issues, too. Feel better and more confident, and you will will have a happier experience.

On the other hand, if it appears: practice can help, too. Don't be too rigid... because life never is.

 

[Dan Dan]

Having a relationship is top of my list of things to do this year. Im 27 and only had 2 girlfriends and think its time to settle, however im useless with women. I cant flirt or give off signals nor can i tell when a girl is flirting with me. All of my encounters with girls it has been them who approached me in a way that was obvious. During my first relationship i was the happiest I've ever been. I realy loved her and want nothing more than to feel that way again. But like i said i find it impossible to approach girls. Even on dating sites i find it difficult to talk i just set up a profile and not do anything. I just leave it. Recently i keep getting a sinking feeling that im going to be single for ever and it puts me down.
There's a girl who works at a shop near me and i see her all the time. I realy like her and she always smiles at me and asks how im doing and i just lower my head and say "im ok" realy shy. I cant look at her when she is looking at me. She probably thinks im weird.

 

[Catalyst]

Having a relationship is top of my list of things to do this year. Im 27 and only had 2 girlfriends and think its time to settle, however im useless with women. I cant flirt of give off signals nor can i tell when a girl is flirting with me. All of my encounters with girls it has been them who approached me in a way that was obvious. During my first relationship i was the happiest I've ever been. I realy loved her and want nothing more than to feel that way again. But like i said i find it impossible to approach girls. Even on dating sites i find it difficult to talk i just set up a profile and not do anything. I just leave it. Recently i keep getting a sinking feeling that im going to be single for ever and it puts me down.
There's a girl who works at a shop near me and i see her all the time. I realy like her and she always smiles at me and asks how im doing and i just lower my head and say "im ok" realy shy. I cant look at her when she is looking at me. She probably thinks im weird.

Most of the time guys approach me. I guess I'm lucky that I'm attractive. But they're usually kinda weird too, so they don't mind my weirdness. I've been really shy most of my life. I still have a hard time meeting people, but I learned how to do it from being in a position where I had to. (Head Storyteller for a Live Action Role Play). The one time I was the forward one, and I'm not sure why I did it, but a guy said "Bite me." I said "Okay." He held out his arm and I used it to pull him close and bite his neck. We got married when I was 22 (five months after our first baby, actually). Due to circumstances, we're getting divorced, but we're still really good friends. I'm trying to find someone else to date, but it's hard. Like you, I make a profile on dating sites, then do nothing. Sometimes I'll respond if someone contacts me on OK Cupid, but that's it. I can't keep up a conversation and it goes nowhere.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I think that holding off on dating is likely a good idea. But if you can find the opportunity for friendships-go for them! Friendships can help you develop the qualities that will make future dating better.

 

[mw2530]

I agree with some of the posts suggesting that it would be wise to work on improving yourself. This is good advice and I agree. But I also don't think you should make a firm decision to not date anyone while in college b/c you are limiting yourself of potential opportunities. College is a great place to meet potential mates because you are in an environment where you are around lots of people who are your own age and because you have more time than after you graduate and start working (For me at least). After college, it is less often that you are simply in an environment where you are around people your own age. Also, there are many different interests or groups that you can get involved in where you could potentially meet someone. Consider a more casual relationship where you are focused on having fun and enjoying each others company and not so worried about the relationship for the long term. The initial years after college are also good times for meeting someone as many people are still single yet are just establishing themselves and becoming financially stable. But in some ways it becomes more difficult as you take on additional responsibilities of being an adult. As you age, more and more women will be "off the market". You are fortunate to know about your ASD at a fairly young age. I wish I would have known back in college why I struggled as much as I did. Why such simple things were so difficult for me. I finally realized for certain at around age 26. I've been struggling to improve ever since and now I'm close to 30. I've never been close to a relationship and that has been really hard on me. I feel like I've missed the window to meet someone or at least I missed the sweet spot. I guess my advice is to be open to meet someone in college but not to force it. If it doesn't happen in college, then in your 20's is still on the table. I just think at a certain point after that options diminish rapidly.

 

[OlLiE]

how can it be a 'bad' thing,
there is no right or wrong
whatever floats your boat

however, as a male i my forties i would say the following,
during college, you have an environment which puts women and men in a relatively informal setting 24/7, ie the statistical probability over 4-5 year is relatively high
after college:
- you have less informal settings time because of work and other obligations as an adult
- looking for a partner at work is very risky, even more so if your eq is below par
- if aspergers has made you a bit more reclusive, looking for a partner at a bar is more challenging

the only avenues that remain would be hobbies and shared interests, blind dates, the internet
so the opportunities for meeting someone in an informal setting drop dramatically

if making the effort at college is hard, the effort after is at least as hard with much less opportunity

 

[Mia]

Met my husband at university, he was finishing his degree and I was beginning mine. Our relationship began informally, with groups of people, doing things together. Student dinners together, social evenings with professors. We were all part of clubs, charity fundraisers for various causes. Some worked part time, at the school, or nearby. There seemed to be many opportunities for social get-together's within certain faculties.

Parties at the student lounge, often for things like halloween or the end of exams. It helps to know your professors socially, as if you have difficulties you can ask them outside of class hours, we also formed study groups for some of the big assignments, and got to know people that way as well.

Didn't go to school to meet someone, I was already dating at that point. But, when I met him I realized how much more interesting he was, than the men I was seeing, including one of his professors.

Socially, I've dated people from work and school, and the people from school have remained the closest. Some are still friends, to this day. So I would say that you shouldn't pass up this opportunity to make friends at school, they are often with you for life.

 

[Butterfly88]

I think it's a wise decision given the situation. I had a casual boyfriend in the 6th grade, we just held hands. Otherwise I've never dated. I'm 24 now and I've never been kissed either. So you're not the only one.

 

[aspieman2396]

I think it's a wise decision given the situation. I had a casual boyfriend in the 6th grade, we just held hands. Otherwise I've never dated. I'm 24 now and I've never been kissed either. So you're not the only one.

I held hands with a couple of girls, I have friends that are girls and I hug them. that's the only contact I have with them

 

[granolaturtle]

It might help to work on some of your issues with women. If you have a habit of reading polarizing material about women online or go on online spaces to rant about them, that's not going to be good for your overall mental health or with relating to women in the future. A big hint to me that you might be doing this is describing women as "trying to be alpha" and being "promiscuous". And as an added note, it isn't very fair to your female friends to view their gender this way, even if you think they are "exceptions".