I need to verbalize this (may trigger)

[Dreadful Dante]

I'm grateful for each and every time my family members took throughout their lives to teach me how to be better, each and every way they did it. I thank them and I acknowledge their effort. I'm not complaining in any way.

I am happy and now I have the self-image of a King (without the nascissistic part) and I'm more adaptable than Bear Grylls. I made this happiness on my own.

However, I need to verbalize this so I can explain it with words somehow. I went through some obscure experiences as a child because I was different.

My mother, father and grandparents would say they were trying to help getting me to go to school, but they would threaten to send me to an Insane Asylum because of my behaviour. My mother would actually empty my drawers, pack my things and pretend (I didn't know at the time) to call them to take me, according to her "They are going to fix you and when you're drooling drugged from psychotic medication, you'll remember me telling you this but then it will be too late. No one will ever visit you, you'll die alone and starving because they're not gonna give you enough food."

Some would threaten to beat me with sticks, belts and indeed they hit me, some would tell me I could die and it wouldn't make any difference.

My mother would call me an embarassment as a child and as an adolescent because I couldn't socialise and would embarrass her in social situations and would have meltdowns. She would say I was rude and stupid periodically and that I would die alone rotting in a cold and dark corner of some mental hospital.

I didn't understand how she wanted me to behave because she simply wouldn't tell me. They expected me to intuitively know what "normal" was and behave accordingly.

People in my family would realise how literal I was and would make disgusting jokes about amputation, boogie man, bed bugs, sickness and death and I didn't know they were jokes whereas everyone else was laughing. I would try to not react, supress the utter dread, panic and desperation so they would stop, but they would realise it and continue over and over.

They said all this worked to fix me, but it actually made me doubtful and seriously suspiscious of every action and thought of every person that has ever lived on Earth. I now trust no one, as the ones who "loved" me said and did those things.

I don't blame them, I was indeed a different child, I needed professional help, I would kneel before my mother during my meltdowns and beg her to make me be like everyone else and ask why I wasn't. She would just pet my head and say I needed Jesus and we would pray and then she would tell me "See? Now you're better".

Now I live with the same people and it's like co-existing with my own executioners. My father threatened to punch me in the face because I didn't want to have dinner in his friend's house. Three other family members held him back because they were going to be late. Seriously, they said they wouldn't hold him back if they didn't have to leave quickly.

I am in no way saying they are bad. I'm in College because they help me pay for it, I have a home because I'm financially dependant to them and they pay everything for me without even thinking about it.

A few years ago I was having panic attacks every night because the next morning I had to go to school or work and there was going to be people I had to socialize with and I didn't know how to (embarrassments every day) plus sensorial chaos and I couldn't do things properly because I couldn't focus or even learn to do those tasks because it wasn't my field of interest (Believe it or not, I was practising at home, taking notes and even using flashcards).

Doesn't matter how bad things are or were, they tell me I don't have any problems because I'm not maintaining the house or have no kids.

For 18 years I believed this to be normal and that everyone went through the same thing, just that it was hidden. It was this thought that forced me to adapt.

I Thank You for reading this, it means the world to me. The world, the stars, the black holes and super novas.

Peacefully,
Dante.

 

[Warmheart]

Hey there, dear Dante! I'm glad you shared. Please feel that you are not alone here, and that this is a safe space to express such pain, confusion, and legitimate need for understanding. We have many here with difficult pasts (and presents!) due to unhealthy family members/family dynamics colliding with our ASD. You are a respected member here, and we care.

What happened to you in the past, and what is currently happening, is not healthy, nor right. It is okay to be grateful for the kindnesses shown, while also allowing anger for abuse. It is possible to be aware that your neurology, and even your suffering, were beyond your mother's ability to cope, and that she was herself too ill to be a kind, balanced parent. That does NOT let anyone off the hook for further abuse.

When abuse happens to neurotypical kids, it is traumatic. When it happens to autistics, it can be devastating. Coming to terms with it all, separating from unhealthy family dynamics, working through pain, gradually endeavoring to make sense of things, overcoming our old patterns of familial behaviors, building self esteem, learning safe engagement, creating healthy boundaries, learning to self-advocate, facing challenges of past and present, are gargantuan challenges which ultimately provide us with opportunities for tons of beautiful, tremendous growth. That growth will take years, and work.

It is imperative that you find a therapist familiar with ASD. You need to find your own way to get there. You need to make the phone calls yourself. You need to have your own insurance, or find an ASD therapist who allows a sliding scale. This is worth consulting a school counselor about, a priest/pastor about, or calling a Samaritans hotline about. You need access to a mental health counselor who can help connect you to an ASD therapist. The only way to go from here is up.

It is also in equal measure a healthy thing to consider this:
If parents were abusive then, it is possible that they are abusive now-- not just about your Dad wanting to hit you for not attending a gathering, but on a much grander scale.
You need to be in a healthy environment. You know this yourself.
Begin to consider asking your future ASD therapist for ideas to successfully change your living situation.
If possible, ask your school counselor, priest/pastor, etc., for ideas. There may be live-in work situations.

I'm sending you good thoughts and well-wishes.

 

[inabox]

Hey there, dear Dante! I'm glad you shared. Please feel that you are not alone here, and that this is a safe space to express such pain, confusion, and legitimate need for understanding. We have many here with difficult pasts (and presents!) due to unhealthy family members/family dynamics colliding with our ASD. You are a respected member here, and we care.

What happened to you in the past, and what is currently happening, is not healthy, nor right. It is okay to be grateful for the kindnesses shown, while also allowing anger for abuse. It is possible to be aware that your neurology, and even your suffering, were beyond your mother's ability to cope, and that she was herself too ill to be a kind, balanced parent. That does NOT let anyone off the hook for further abuse.

When abuse happens to neurotypical kids, it is traumatic. When it happens to autistics, it can be devastating. Coming to terms with it all, separating from unhealthy family dynamics, working through pain, gradually endeavoring to make sense of things, overcoming our old patterns of familial behaviors, building self esteem, learning safe engagement, creating healthy boundaries, learning to self-advocate, facing challenges of past and present, are gargantuan challenges which ultimately provide us with opportunities for tons of beautiful, tremendous growth. That growth will take years, and work.

It is imperative that you find a therapist familiar with ASD. You need to find your own way to get there. You need to make the phone calls yourself. You need to have your own insurance, or find an ASD therapist who allows a sliding scale. This is worth consulting a school counselor about, a priest/pastor about, or calling a Samaritans hotline about. You need access to a mental health counselor who can help connect you to an ASD therapist. The only way to go from here is up.

It is also in equal measure a healthy thing to consider this:
If parents were abusive then, it is possible that they are abusive now-- not just about your Dad wanting to hit you for not attending a gathering, but on a much grander scale.
You need to be in a healthy environment. You know this yourself.
Begin to consider asking your future ASD therapist for ideas to successfully change your living situation.
If possible, ask your school counselor, priest/pastor, etc., for ideas. There may be live-in work situations.

I'm sending you good thoughts and well-wishes.

I agree with everything Warmheart says.

I'm grateful for each and every time my family members took throughout their lives to teach me how to be better, each and every way they did it. I thank them and I acknowledge their effort. I'm not complaining in any way.

I am happy and now I have the self-image of a King (without the nascissistic part) and I'm more adaptable than Bear Grylls. I made this happiness on my own.

However, I need to verbalize this so I can explain it with words somehow. I went through some obscure experiences as a child because I was different.

My mother, father and grandparents would say they were trying to help getting me to go to school, but they would threaten to send me to an Insane Asylum because of my behaviour. My mother would actually empty my drawers, pack my things and pretend (I didn't know at the time) to call them to take me, according to her "They are going to fix you and when you're drooling drugged from psychotic medication, you'll remember me telling you this but then it will be too late. No one will ever visit you, you'll die alone and starving because they're not gonna give you enough food."

Some would threaten to beat me with sticks, belts and indeed they hit me, some would tell me I could die and it wouldn't make any difference.

My mother would call me an embarassment as a child and as an adolescent because I couldn't socialise and would embarrass her in social situations and would have meltdowns. She would say I was rude and stupid periodically and that I would die alone rotting in a cold and dark corner of some mental hospital.

I didn't understand how she wanted me to behave because she simply wouldn't tell me. They expected me to intuitively know what "normal" was and behave accordingly.

People in my family would realise how literal I was and would make disgusting jokes about amputation, boogie man, bed bugs, sickness and death and I didn't know they were jokes whereas everyone else was laughing. I would try to not react, supress the utter dread, panic and desperation so they would stop, but they would realise it and continue over and over.

They said all this worked to fix me, but it actually made me doubtful and seriously suspiscious of every action and thought of every person that has ever lived on Earth. I now trust no one, as the ones who "loved" me said and did those things.

I don't blame them, I was indeed a different child, I needed professional help, I would kneel before my mother during my meltdowns and beg her to make me be like everyone else and ask why I wasn't. She would just pet my head and say I needed Jesus and we would pray and then she would tell me "See? Now you're better".

Now I live with the same people and it's like co-existing with my own executioners. My father threatened to punch me in the face because I didn't want to have dinner in his friend's house. Three other family members held him back because they were going to be late. Seriously, they said they wouldn't hold him back if they didn't have to leave quickly.

I am in no way saying they are bad. I'm in College because they help me pay for it, I have a home because I'm financially dependant to them and they pay everything for me without even thinking about it.

A few years ago I was having panic attacks every night because the next morning I had to go to school or work and there was going to be people I had to socialize with and I didn't know how to (embarrassments every day) plus sensorial chaos and I couldn't do things properly because I couldn't focus or even learn to do those tasks because it wasn't my field of interest (Believe it or not, I was practising at home, taking notes and even using flashcards).

Doesn't matter how bad things are or were, they tell me I don't have any problems because I'm not maintaining the house or have no kids.

For 18 years I believed this to be normal and that everyone went through the same thing, just that it was hidden. It was this thought that forced me to adapt.

I Thank You for reading this, it means the world to me. The world, the stars, the black holes and super novas.

Peacefully,
Dante.

It's sad what has happened and is happening to you. I also believe that it's good that you shared it, and felt that you were able to share it. You're safe to do that here.
A lot of people here can sympathise with your feelings.
Things can change for the better and you sound like the sort of person who can make that happen for yourself.

I wish you happiness and luck in your life.

 

[Dreadful Dante]

I Thank you both, kind and lovely people. It brings tears to my eyes when someone is sweet to me. An inexplicable joy flows trough my body. Like finding an Oasis in the desert.

Thank you!

I wish to you all possible and impossible happiness there is.

 

[overthehills]

A therapist once told me a story about a man/woman in a relationship. 1 off them was bad, abusive to the other. Everyone who knew this couple could see the evil except the other partner in the relationship. The other partner tries to ignore the bad times, instead remembering the good occasions they have shared together. Each day hoping/praying that today will be filled with more good than bad.
The therapist explained to me that living like this is not healthy and then asked me to replace the couple in the relationship with me and parents and then compare.
Everyday I was desperate for the love off my parents, most days I didn't get it but occasionally I got a little love from them, it's like I could see a light shining on me. I lived each day for this light to come back but what I got was darkness instead, darkness grew and grew and I was grasping out for the light.
I now have no contact with my family, I moved away to different city. It was a painful experience to dump my parents as they have brought me up but chasing the light was not working, the dark hole was just getting deeper. It was the right decision to split from my parents, it's hard but I would seriously think about getting independence.

 

[StephF]

From what you have said it sounds like your mother is a horrible person. Nobody should be made to fit into a particular box, we are all different.

 

[WereBear]

I find the phrase "they did the best they could" to be helpful in such instances.

If you live in a culture which puts a high emphasis on fitting in, your parents were all the more frantic to find some way to make that happen. Since you mention "Jesus" I am thinking you might be in one of those churches who "doesn't believe" in therapy, since your mother was confident prayer would fix it.

I can relate: I was raised in a Protestant church which taught that I was to be less than a person because I was a woman. They were also insistent that I was to be a housewife and I wanted to pursue higher education.

So I was able to break free and lived a more happy life because of it. You can be grateful for the care they did provide, while also exploring other options. Remember that your family and culture might also be totally wrong about your abilities and talents.

Mine was.

 

[flynn_gabriel]

I am very happy you found the courage to write that. It must have bee difficult. But id be willing to wager you feel a little better now that its out.

 

[Dreadful Dante]

I find the phrase "they did the best they could" to be helpful in such instances.

If you live in a culture which puts a high emphasis on fitting in, your parents were all the more frantic to find some way to make that happen. Since you mention "Jesus" I am thinking you might be in one of those churches who "doesn't believe" in therapy, since your mother was confident prayer would fix it.

I can relate: I was raised in a Protestant church which taught that I was to be less than a person because I was a woman. They were also insistent that I was to be a housewife and I wanted to pursue higher education.

So I was able to break free and lived a more happy life because of it. You can be grateful for the care they did provide, while also exploring other options. Remember that your family and culture might also be totally wrong about your abilities and talents.

Mine was.

Mine too. As they can't see but the superficial side of me, they believe if I'm doing something then I love it to death or if I don't love it, just keep doing it because my wants don't matter.

If I ever say anything regarding mental health, they instantly burst in a rush to fix me back to seeing the black and white world, which is either crazy or normal. Mental health issues don't exist in their spectrum of reality except for that one sided perspective.

If I struggle with something my entire life (ex. Autism) and then I finally find a term and treatment for it and open myself up to talk about it, they say "Why are you suddenly making things up? You're not mental! Who told you that? Who have you been talking to?! I already know they're bad company just by knowing this thing they told you! You shouldn't be hanging out with these people, they're bad for you."

 

[Dreadful Dante]

From what you have said it sounds like your mother is a horrible person. Nobody should be made to fit into a particular box, we are all different.

She's the sweetest and one of the most resilient people I have ever known. She was just lost. Maybe more lost than I myself was.

A therapist once told me a story about a man/woman in a relationship. 1 off them was bad, abusive to the other. Everyone who knew this couple could see the evil except the other partner in the relationship. The other partner tries to ignore the bad times, instead remembering the good occasions they have shared together. Each day hoping/praying that today will be filled with more good than bad.
The therapist explained to me that living like this is not healthy and then asked me to replace the couple in the relationship with me and parents and then compare.
Everyday I was desperate for the love off my parents, most days I didn't get it but occasionally I got a little love from them, it's like I could see a light shining on me. I lived each day for this light to come back but what I got was darkness instead, darkness grew and grew and I was grasping out for the light.
I now have no contact with my family, I moved away to different city. It was a painful experience to dump my parents as they have brought me up but chasing the light was not working, the dark hole was just getting deeper. It was the right decision to split from my parents, it's hard but I would seriously think about getting independence.

In a few years I'll be able to do the same thing.

I don't see how a split would be hard. You mean financially hard? Emocionally hard?

 

[overthehills]

Emotionally hard. I sometimes feel guilty for splitting from family. I also think about when my parents die, will I have regret? I also struggle with events like mothers day and fathers day etc and when my work colleagues parents have died and they feel sad and empty they lost their parent, but mine are still alive.

 

[Dreadful Dante]

Emotionally hard. I sometimes feel guilty for splitting from family. I also think about when my parents die, will I have regret? I also struggle with events like mothers day and fathers day etc and when my work colleagues parents have died and they feel sad and empty they lost their parent, but mine are still alive.

I thank them often for everything they've done for me, at least the ones who won't tell me to shut up if I do so.

I always shower them with my gratitude. The times I stayed away from them for several months didn't bother me at all. My self value keeps me from feeling guilty. Missing them isn't an issue. I feel honoured to have met them and I know my gratitude is well expressed.

 

[Uncertain ways]

Mine too. As they can't see but the superficial side of me, they believe if I'm doing something then I love it to death or if I don't love it, just keep doing it because my wants don't matter.

If I ever say anything regarding mental health, they instantly burst in a rush to fix me back to seeing the black and white world, which is either crazy or normal. Mental health issues don't exist in their spectrum of reality except for that one sided perspective.

If I struggle with something my entire life (ex. Autism) and then I finally find a term and treatment for it and open myself up to talk about it, they say "Why are you suddenly making things up? You're not mental! Who told you that? Who have you been talking to?! I already know they're bad company just by knowing this thing they told you! You shouldn't be hanging out with these people, they're bad for you."

It is very sad what happened to you. I am glad you found the courage to share it. It was not normal what happened and nobody deserves to be treated like that. That they are supporting you financially does not give them the right to cause such a damage.

I do have similar experiences from childhood and adolescence, been also hit. When I confronted them a few years ago the first reaction was denial. My dad's said that whatever I achieved in my life was due to being hit and my mother is still denying. But he at least appologized later on.

I came to understand that it is common that they react with denial. It is hard to confess the truth to themselves and maybe some people are not strong enough and prefer to live in denial. Which is difficult for you I believe if you are trying to get to terms with your past and they are trying to convince you nothing ever happened. The best that you can do when that happens is listening to your intuition and your memories.They tell you the truth.

I accepted that I can't change my mom. Today I don't think they had bad intentions, but just couldn't do any better at that time. It helped that my father appologized. If not I believe the contact would have been broken.

Wish you a lot of strength to recover from your past.

 

[Mia]

Greetings Dante, your parents sound quite a bit like mine were. They often threatened to place me in a local asylum when I would not do the things they wanted me to do. In fact after my mother arranged a local 'engagement' to a man from my church (I was twelve at the time) who was in his thirties and liked me, my father thought me too young and interfered eventually. My mother forced me to take a summer job at said sanitarium three years later. This was to frighten me into agreeing to the engagement and eventual marriage and her choice of vocational school for me.

Unfortunately for my mother, I liked working at the sanitarium, it was not the dark and frightful place that her victorian style upbringing had indicated it was. It was not nightmarish, the residents were treated quite well, no one beat them or shouted at them. It was more like a hostel where their physical needs were taken care of, some had part time jobs and the younger residents lived in small homes on the asylum property.

That first independent summer made me realize how dysfunctional my family actually was. I left home in the fall and moved to the city. As you are in college and your family are helping you financially, I suspect that it is somewhat to your advantage to stay. Perhaps summer jobs away from home until you finally finish school, might help you mitigate the damage done in the long term and aid you on your way to leaving when your schooling is complete. An idea only, that you might consider. You have my deepest sympathy and understanding.

 

[Dreadful Dante]

Greetings Dante, your parents sound quite a bit like mine were. They often threatened to place me in a local asylum when I would not do the things they wanted me to do. In fact after my mother arranged a local 'engagement' to a man from my church (I was twelve at the time) who was in his thirties and liked me, my father thought me too young and interfered eventually. My mother forced me to take a summer job at said sanitarium three years later. This was to frighten me into agreeing to the engagement and eventual marriage and her choice of vocational school for me.

Unfortunately for my mother, I liked working at the sanitarium, it was not the dark and frightful place that her victorian style upbringing had indicated. It was not nightmarish, the residents were treated quite well, no one beat them or shouted at them. It was more like a hostel where their physical needs were taken care of, some had part time jobs and the younger residents lived in small homes on the asylum property.

That independent summer on my own for the first time, made me realize how dysfunctional my family actually was. I left home in the fall and moved to the city. As you are in college and your family are helping you financially, I suspect that it is somewhat to your advantage to stay. Perhaps summer jobs away from home until you finally finish school, might help you mitigate the damage done in the long term and aid you on your way to leaving when your schooling is complete. An idea only, that you might consider. You have my deepest sympathy and understanding.

Thank you both.

I'll find my way. If there wasn't a solution to each problem, there wouldn't be such a thing as inteligence.

There's always a way. Literally. People think I sound metaphorical or cliche when I say this, but there is literally plenty of possible solutions to even the seemingly impossible challenges, you just have to shift your perspectives.

You guys have amazed me.

To all of you, a BIG, HOUMUNGOUS THANK YOU!

 

[WereBear]

I'll find my way. If there wasn't a solution to each problem, there wouldn't be such a thing as inteligence.

That sounds like something I would say

If you are in college, there is a great opportunity to get in touch with student health services on most campuses. Unless you are in a faith-based college, in which case they might have the same attitude as your parents?

 

[Dreadful Dante]

Hey, Bear.

This message turned out to be a bit long (at least for my cellphone screen). Besides finding awesome people, relatability and acceptanceI, I'm using my posts to verbalize things I'm not able in person when facing a professional, so if you don't read it all, I understand. Re-reading them and editting them afterwards helps me create a journal of my experiences. I'll show it to the next professional
I get assessed by. That's why it's long and descriptive.

That sounds like something I would say

If you are in college, there is a great opportunity to get in touch with student health services on most campuses. Unless you are in a faith-based college, in which case they might have the same attitude as your parents?

I have already been there. Vacation was just starting and they told me the service would close for the time being. Soon it will be back open.

During this time I actually went to a psychiatrist. I thought I had told her my struggles and asked for help but it turned out I was actually rambling about some personality traits of mine with a hypocondriac vibe to it and she took what I said as "just looking for a problem where there isn't any".

According to her, I didn't seem autistic at all. She said if I had autism/asperger's I would be way different. (That got me thinking. Different how? Flapping my hands? Spinning? Does that mean that finding ways to cope and designing my own therapeutic approaches to cope with it makes me "undiagnosable"? Was she assuming self-help and coping mecanisms don't exist?

I couldn't verbalise it properly and for the whole consultation I mistook shaking from nervousness for shaking from cold (It wasn't cold that day. I was just trying to explain my bodily sensations). I was very defensive and didn't even realise it.

I left doubting if I really needed help or if my problems are real (asking for help is nearly impossible for me. No one ever seems to understand what I really mean).

Being alexithymic and trying to explain what I feel feels like guessing the plot of an upcoming movie from just watching the trailer (a month later you realise you were wrong).

I have read so much about relatable experiences that now I think I'd be able to explain to a psychiatrist how I feel and what I need... In English.

I'm still working on how to explain it using my mother tongue. It's far from being as descriptive and emotionally precise as English, at least for me. And the amount of ASD experts on adults here is not grand.

I feel deeply ashamed when I express certain emotions and profoundly doubtful to speak of most of them (due to the eminent dangers of imprecision, misunderstandings and the catastrophic consequences of boldness in wrong situations), specially in my mother tongue, so that's one more bound I've been trying to trespass and to this day what I've been able to do is use English.

If I had any English speaking psychiatrist nearby, that would be great! That is highly improbable, though.

 

[WereBear]

According to her, I didn't seem autistic at all. She said if I had autism/asperger's I would be way different. (That got me thinking. Different how? Flapping my hands? Spinning? Does that mean that finding ways to cope and designing my own therapeutic approaches to cope with it makes me "undiagnosable"? Was she assuming self-help and coping mecanisms don't exist?

It is distressing to be punished for coping so well.

Yesterday I had a six hour evaluation which was so exhausting I went back to my little hotel room and slept for eleven hours. It was just one-on-one with the diagnostician, who was a very nice person, and could not get over my high social abilities: which may result in me not being classified as anyone with a disorder. Because I am so borderline.

Yet now, in midlife, I find I was not aware of the incredible toll such compensating has been taking on my brain, which reacts with exhaustion to social stuff now; and eventual meltdown.

I went through the evaluation process (which the insurance is supposed to pay for) because I really need something to wave at people who are not going to believe it; and will heap things on me I cannot handle.

I at least need to know why I can't handle it.

So I agree with your quest: you need coping strategies now. And for the future. So you don't wind up in a situation where more is asked than can be given.

 

[Dreadful Dante]

It is distressing to be punished for coping so well.

Yesterday I had a six hour evaluation which was so exhausting I went back to my little hotel room and slept for eleven hours. It was just one-on-one with the diagnostician, who was a very nice person, and could not get over my high social abilities: which may result in me not being classified as anyone with a disorder. Because I am so borderline.

Yet now, in midlife, I find I was not aware of the incredible toll such compensating has been taking on my brain, which reacts with exhaustion to social stuff now; and eventual meltdown.

I went through the evaluation process (which the insurance is supposed to pay for) because I really need something to wave at people who are not going to believe it; and will heap things on me I cannot handle.

I at least need to know why I can't handle it.

So I agree with your quest: you need coping strategies now. And for the future. So you don't wind up in a situation where more is asked than can be given.

You replied me the exact words I've always needed in order to explain my wish to be diagnosed.

I can relate to you feeling exhausted from social interaction and not being able to handle certain situations.

Many psyche professionals think that when you're talking to them and expressing yourself that means you're able to verbalize things properly and don't have any social impairment. What they don't realise is that I've been thinking about how to tell them what I need for years and they facilitate the interaction by having me as their only focus. The interaction doesn't have anyone else nor any outside factor to influence it, just them and me with the exact same reason and purpose to be there.

This type of conversation is VERY different from any other you might experience outside the clinic in your daily life. If you've become good with one context, it doesn't mean you have mastered all the possible ones.

 

[WereBear]

This type of conversation is VERY different from any other you might experience outside the clinic in your daily life. If you've become good with one context, it doesn't mean you have mastered all the possible ones.

Yes, exactly! Or that you can do it all day long (as in many jobs) compared to 50 minutes with a therapist.