I need some advice re. being upfront about burnout

[Jojo_LB]

Hey folks,

I could really use some advice right now.

A little background about myself and what I do would be helpful so that you know how I've gotten to this point. Also, I'm sure many of you would totally get why I'm going through this.

I'm in my final semester of college. I've been trying to get my bachelor since 2001. I have a history of being really indecisive about what I want to major in, what I want to do in my life. I've been also really impulsive at times, burnt out at other times, and dropped out to do other stuff to relieve the stress of being a student. Or I'd work. Then I'd go back to school to try again. I think this wild roller coaster way of going through life is a combination of my ADHD and ASD.

So, after 18 years of this, I am finally at my last semester. I'll be getting a bachelor in physics. Now, it's only recently that I learned about my various neurological disorders so I am only just putting all the pieces together and understanding why my life has gone on this extremely haphazard route.

I not only go to school, I also work part-time as a teacher's assistant in a couple of data analysis classes. I enjoy the work itself, because I love data analysis, working with numbers, computers, learning how to program, etc. But being a teacher's assistant means being around a lot of people. I do OK I guess, but it's really tough to endure, as you know.

I've recognized a pattern in my life where I'd given myself a lot to do (the things I am doing would be considered a lot even to NT's, but more bearable for them I imagine), try to endure and "fake" being totally OK with all of this like I am like everyone else. Of course, going to school involves going outside, and I hate going outside. I go outside for five minutes, and I feel like passing out into a deep sleep for several hours. Then the burnout happens. Rather, it's burnout on steroids. I have this very, very strong urge to pull away from everything and just hide out in a dark cave for several months.

Well I am at the point now. In fact, I have been at this point since the beginning of this semester! I started off as a full-time student, taking three very heavy upper-level advanced math and physics courses. I know I can ace these classes. Everyone else believes I can ace these classes. So it's not that I can't learn the material. I just give myself too much to do, and I keep trying to push on like I can push myself like NT's can. On top of this, I have my teaching assistant job. I also do some research for the math and comp. sci. department. My brain is telling me that I've gone WAY over my limit here.

I dropped the one math class I didn't need but was genuinely interested in taking. The last two classes are required for my major, but luckily, I've got some pretty lax professors who don't care about attendance. They just expect you to take exams and submit homework. But I'm so, severely burnt out. Today, I have an exam. I did not study for it at all. There is no way I am going to get even a 20 on it because I didn't prepare at all. It's like I just didn't care?? So there's no point even showing up to take it. I also have work later, but I really, really would rather not today. I am perfectly happy and safe right now, just healing from burning myself out so bad, reading and chilling out with my cats. I think I would be OK showing up to work Thursday.

So, now I'm getting to the main point of this long post. I have never told anyone about my ADHD or ASD. Well, I only told one professor about my ADHD, the one I do research with, and she happens to be one of the teachers I assist in a data science class. I have not told her about also being on the spectrum. All the times I needed a rest in the past, I would just say stuff like, "I don't feel well." Or even little lies like, "An emergency has come up, sorry I can't make it."

A part of me just wants to start being honest with people about this because I do burn out extremely easily and perhaps they'd understand why I act the way I do. But at the same time, I'm being very wary as well. I feel silly giving the same excuses over and over again. Or am I being silly for feeling silly about that?? I don't want to hear from people "Well we all get burned out, just rest up for a day or two, get back up and try again." I've heard that before and I get so triggered. No. I don't need a day or two. I don't need a week. I need several months of resting, relaxing, and doing whatever I want to recharge. But no one will understand that. Or, at least, that's what I'm assuming...

So, should I be upfront about these issues?

 

[MeghanWithAnH]

It depends on whether your professors/employers seem like receptive people. l was upfront about things with my professors in my current graduate program and it was helpful because they already knew a lot about ASD, but I don't know if it would have been helpful when I was in other programs. Does your university have any kind of office of disability services? Some of them are pretty limited in what they can do to help but sometimes they can be helpful, and they might have advice.

Maybe you could start with just telling one person who you think would be the most understanding and see how it goes? And make sure to present it as you really want to do well but you are concerned that ASD is causing you some problems that are getting in the way of doing well so you wanted to let them know what's going on.

 

[RosaViolet]

Maybe the way forward is in using the due process.

Autism and SEN at university is nothing new and not even rare. They are well aware of it.

Does your college have any support systems and accommodations for students with disabilities?
There ought to be something. Usually it would be an entire department to support students with SEN and disabilities.

Maybe you could start by finding out and talking to them. It would be confidential by law, by their own terms of service. I should think they would not be allowed to disclose and talk about your conditions to anyone without your consent. So you could just discuss and explore this topic with people who are really practically in position to advise and help you.

There might be a possibility of allowing you extra time in exams and assignments, basically accommodations. Some students get support with notes, mentoring, technology. Mentoring and extra support from faculty are usually found helpful by students.

 

[Aspychata]

l love @RosaViolet post, those are great ideas. You will be more comfortable discussing this when you come out of the closet. But on a different level, if you keep it under wraps, then it won't effect employment opportunities, and l don't know how hard it is to get a position in that line of work. When you realise a lot of people deal with all types of issues, maybe you will be more accepting of you. But l totally remember over scheduling myself for everything, and having no clear cut direction of where l was heading in college.

 

[Jojo_LB]

Thanks so much for taking the time to read and reply.

I should mention that I definitely considered going to disability services at my college. I even spoke to someone there about the process of registering to receive accommodations. But that was like two months ago, it's April now, I'm supposed to graduate next month. I'm not sure it's even worth going through that process at this point. So I was perhaps considering just letting each professor know.

I know that one of them is receptive, the one I told my ADHD about. I just emailed her and said I have mental and physical burnout, and that I won't be very useful to the class today ('cause I know I won't), and that I'd see her Thursday. She said it is perfectly understandable, and that she hopes I feel better. I think one of the other two may be as well. His personality just strikes me as someone who would be. The third is older than the other two, but he seems really nice. I don't really imagine him being judgmental.

I have a tendency to overthink things and hyperfocus on the negatives, even though my brain is extremely logical and knows that I don't know what the outcome of most things will be. And I come from an environment in which issues like mine are not taken seriously at all. It's a cultural thing too. So coming to terms with who I am and trying to just live how I am supposed to be living is admittedly very hard for me. No one in my life besides by husband, child, and three close friends actually take me seriously (i'm estranged from my only two siblings, I am not close to my dad, who I suspect is also aspie with ADHD like me. My mother is trying to make amends with me after being estranged from me for a couple of years.) So I really struggle with being upfront about stuff like this. I am just learning now how to live, instead of fighting and enduring!

 

[RosaViolet]

We are here for you, if it helps [hug]

Overthinking and catastrophizing, yes, try to put it in perspective. You can do it, you did it before, came to the last finishing line at college, so you'll get over the line.
Talk to the key professors alluding to your ASC, saying you need more time, some breathing space and make yourself some room in the timetable to cope with it.

 

[Streetwise]

Thanks so much for taking the time to read and reply.

I should mention that I definitely considered going to disability services at my college. I even spoke to someone there about the process of registering to receive accommodations. But that was like two months ago, it's April now, I'm supposed to graduate next month. I'm not sure it's even worth going through that process at this point. So I was perhaps considering just letting each professor know.

I know that one of them is receptive, the one I told my ADHD about. I just emailed her and said I have mental and physical burnout, and that I won't be very useful to the class today ('cause I know I won't), and that I'd see her Thursday. She said it is perfectly understandable, and that she hopes I feel better. I think one of the other two may be as well. His personality just strikes me as someone who would be. The third is older than the other two, but he seems really nice. I don't really imagine him being judgmental.

I have a tendency to overthink things and hyperfocus on the negatives, even though my brain is extremely logical and knows that I don't know what the outcome of most things will be. And I come from an environment in which issues like mine are not taken seriously at all. It's a cultural thing too. So coming to terms with who I am and trying to just live how I am supposed to be living is admittedly very hard for me. No one in my life besides by husband, child, and three close friends actually take me seriously (i'm estranged from my only two siblings, I am not close to my dad, who I suspect is also aspie with ADHD like me. My mother is trying to make amends with me after being estranged from me for a couple of years.) So I really struggle with being upfront about stuff like this. I am just learning now how to live, instead of fighting and enduring!

I announced on Facebook !!!!on the one group I'm part of !that I needed a break !!!I was frightened !to say the least to tell them that !but they were perfectly alright !just said everybody needs a break sometimes !come back soon!

 

[Autistamatic]

After 47 years of masking and pretending to be something I'm not, a bit over a year ago something happened in my life that changed the way I view things regarding my autism.

The end result was that I stopped masking altogether. I don't pretend anymore. If something doesn't work for me, I say so and I explain why that is the case. If something will make my life easier I do the same. There are some abilities and aptitudes I have that people in my life and work find useful and valuable. Now instead of wondering why I'm brilliant at some things and crap at others, they have a reason. I can't be good at everything - those aptitudes come at a price, and that price is that some things that come easy to others, aren't so easy for me.

I would never have changed my approach if I hadn't felt that the world had already crashed around my ears. It was an all-or-nothing moment. I never expected it to pay off as it has.

Since I dropped the mask to everyone and embraced my autism 100% my stress has ebbed away. I don't have to worry what people think anymore, just do what I'm good at and be honest about my weaker abilities. The weirdest thing is that people are friendlier and find me more approachable. I guess now I'm not anxious and confused, worrying about keeping the mask convincing, I don't scowl as much as I used to. I don't get involved in awkward conversations. I just do the version of me that feels natural.

I'll never mask again. Like the song says - "I am what I am, and what I am needs no excuses". It may be a gay anthem, but boy does it sum up the freedom and peace of mind I have been feeling for the first time in my life.

Do I think you should do the same @Jojo_LB ? Should anyone else? I can't say. I only took the plunge because I thought I had nothing to lose, but I'm so glad I did. I'm not making recommendations to anyone, just providing food for thought.

 

[Jojo_LB]

Thanks @Autistamatic . Joining communities such as this one is, for me, indispensable in my journey to "coming out" to the world as someone on the spectrum. I am being a little more honest now with people ("I am going through a period of really bad burnout" instead of "So sorry, have an emergency!"). I am working up to doing that with people I have to see on a somewhat regular basis. I can definitely imagine that every day that I do something that feels natural to me and I don't try so hard to make excuses or make big efforts to mask or be really vague, I will feel much better. That is why I feel great around my extremely small circle of friends and family. I stopped masking around them a while ago and told them that I need to be a lot more open about my struggles with them and cope in the ways that I do in private, in front of them (using fidget toys or fidgeting about in general, pacing, humming and/or saying nonsense stuff, swaying around while standing, etc). Because turning that stress inward instead of expressing myself during those times and trying to suffer through it in silence makes me feel really bad, really ill, and makes me bring others' moods down. And they haven't judged me (I knew they wouldn't) and they do try to understand why I act the way I do sometimes.

 

[CMZ]

No. I don't need a day or two. I don't need a week. I need several months of resting, relaxing, and doing whatever I want to recharge.

Trying to find an answer myself. I have been in a practically hibernatory state myself for the last couple weeks and I need more time, but the world moves on and people don't get that you could need all that time.

 

[Jojo_LB]

I've gotten a little better since I finished school, but I still am barely functioning.

I do have a little more motivation to do things, but I find that I need to take so many breaks, or just stop the tasks in the middle of them to continue at a different time. It's even worse now that it's summer! I'm too goddamned hot to do things. I'm hypersensitive to heat and humidity. My sensory issues get a lot more severe during the warm/hot months 'cause I'm perpetually agitated. I'm in the process of figuring out how to keep my anxiety levels relatively low as I try to accomplish more little things during the day.

Baby steps ftw