I need marriage advice

[lilly858]

My husband has Aspergers and I do not. We've been married for several years and have a child together. I love him very much but there is a distance between us. I recently caught him looking at other girls online. When I confronted him he apologized and said it was because he wanted more intimacy. That really makes no sense to me because I am always here for him in every way. I have tried my best to show him that I love him but its never enough. He always pulls away from me and seems so disconnected. I'm really hurt that there seems to be nothing more I can do to make our marriage any better. He promised me that he will stop looking at other girls online and admitted that it was a stupid thing to do. I'm still hurt though and I feel as if I'll never be good enough for him. I have literally done everything I can to make him happy but as time goes on I realize that he is not making me happy as much as he used to. I do not want to be divorced. I'm still hoping that we can work things out and find a way to connect with each other again. He says he wants to be married to me and that he wants us to be happier together but its all talk. So far he has made no effort to make any changes. I have gone so far as to make a list of things we need to work towards as a couple. He said it was a good idea and then forgot about it a couple days later. I'm so frustrated because his focus is on everything but me. Any advice would be appreciated. I'm out of ideas.

 

[midlife aspie]

He said he wanted more intimacy. Did you inquire as to what he had in mind specifically? Are you PROACTIVE in giving physical and verbal affection? I have the same problem in my marriage. We have NO intimate connection, no verbal and physical affection due to wife's inability to initiate or reciprocate, she thinks 'sex' and 'making love' are synonymous, thus my imagination is a better lover, as I feel I am making a whore out of my wife. We have two children together, one is autistic. We have debts, and us and the in-laws live in the same house for child care reasons. If I separate, everyone will suffer and I have no desire to deal with hostility. An affectionate marriage will only ever exist in my head. Sad. Please talk with your husband about his needs, it may take several attempts to get to the core of the matter.

 

[lilly858]

He said he wanted more intimacy. Did you inquire as to what he had in mind specifically? Are you PROACTIVE in giving physical and verbal affection? I have the same problem in my marriage. We have NO intimate connection, no verbal and physical affection due to wife's inability to initiate or reciprocate, she thinks 'sex' and 'making love' are synonymous, thus my imagination is a better lover, as I feel I am making a whore out of my wife. We have two children together, one is autistic. We have debts, and us and the in-laws live in the same house for child care reasons. If I separate, everyone will suffer and I have no desire to deal with hostility. An affectionate marriage will only ever exist in my head. Sad. Please talk with your husband about his needs, it may take several attempts to get to the core of the matter.

I have tried talking to him about it. He says he wants more sex but we have always had a good sex life. I think he gets bored with me even though I give him what he wants. He enjoys flirting online with other women. He swears he'd never cheat on me but it still feels like cheating because he's giving his attention to other people instead of me. I was so upset when I found out what he was doing that he actually apologized several times to me. This is out of the norm for him. He usually just ignores my concerns or spends all his time trying to justify his actions. I will keep trying to talk to him though. This happened at a really bad time too. He had to go away for a couple of weeks, unrelated to this issue, so I have to wait until he returns to speak with him face to face about our problems. He really doesn't like talking things out like I do. He'd rather ignore the issue and let things go back to "normal" even though that never fixes anything.

 

[Mia]

Hi lilly858 you need to look at what you want, and decide for yourself if your marriage is meeting any of your own needs.

If your spouse is looking around online, it's because that's what he wants, no intimacy, no talking, just sex and that's it. "You should be constantly available so that your husband is satisfied, there to meet his needs and whatever it is you might want doesn't matter." (I don't mean this, I'm quoting the book on narcissism here.) Seems like he uses sex to feel better about himself, yet when it comes to intimacy he can't be bothered giving anything to you in the way of tenderness or caring or thinking actually about you.

Some women are married to insensitive men, who have little ability to understand or care about others. Their mates spend their lives catering to them for the little crumbs of attention and the rare affection they might receive. Your husband needs counseling on how to care/think about others, if he has not learned any of this from being around you, then it's because he never really had the ability to actively show affection or care for other people. He pretended at first, then stopped pretending, and became who he actually really is.

My suggestion to you is write down your concerns, the things you need and want from the marriage. Weigh them as pro's and con's, and decide if this one-sided relationship is any good for you. Then arrange counseling for your spouse, perhaps to deal with his lack of concern for you, start going for therapy for yourself if you can arrange it, to attempt to understand yourself and why you have settled for so little in a relationship.

 

[Cali Cat]

Not to delve too deeply into your personal life, and you don't need to answer these questions here, but just consider them yourself.

Has your husband ever given the impression he wants to be more "experimental?" Maybe wants you to be more outgoing and enthusiastic?

Perhaps you need to start taking control of the situation? Change yourself up a bit and see how he reacts. I'm not just talking about just hair, clothes and makeup, but more about how you interact with him. Be more aggressive, verbal and even demanding. He needs a wake up call. He's become complacent.

Is he looking at real women online, or at porn? If it's the latter, he may have fantasies he is reluctant to share with you. If the former, then he is seriously in danger of straying, at least in a casual way online.

As was already mentioned, he may be a narcissist. If so, he will need counseling and a lot of incentive to change his thinking.

Meanwhile, you might want to check out a place online called "Welcome to Oz." It's a forum for loved ones of people with Narcissistic and/or Borderline Personality Disorder (NPD/BPD). I don't have the link to the forum presently, sorry. It might help to read the stories of others to see if your husband's problems are similar.

Good luck!

 

[midlife aspie]

What sites is he using to see these women? Does he converse with them? It may not be strictly about sex. I must agree with Cali Cat in that the problem may be a lack romantic variety in the marriage. It may also be that he is essentially 'checked out' of your marriage and is checking out the grass on the other side of divorce, playing for time meanwhile. Find a counselor who is familiar with Asperger's and does marriage counseling as soon as possible. I myself fight thoughts of wishing I was married to someone else or single everytime I see a couple being affectionate, and it is disturbing. We are in counseling now and I intend to communicate this in the near future. I know I am relating a lot about myself here, but it may help you to understand your husband's deviant behavior, from a husband's perspective.

 

[motherx4]

I have tried talking to him about it. He says he wants more sex but we have always had a good sex life. I think he gets bored with me even though I give him what he wants. He enjoys flirting online with other women. He swears he'd never cheat on me but it still feels like cheating because he's giving his attention to other people instead of me. I was so upset when I found out what he was doing that he actually apologized several times to me. This is out of the norm for him. He usually just ignores my concerns or spends all his time trying to justify his actions. I will keep trying to talk to him though. This happened at a really bad time too. He had to go away for a couple of weeks, unrelated to this issue, so I have to wait until he returns to speak with him face to face about our problems. He really doesn't like talking things out like I do. He'd rather ignore the issue and let things go back to "normal" even though that never fixes anything.

ok he made it clear what he wanted its not that hes ignoring he dont have the comprehention of how to talk more about it to you hes afraid of whats going to happen or afraid to make you angry. im on the opisite side and have a very hard time talking about anything with mine i just dont have the words to talk to him without making him mad at me for anything. its different talking on here than talking to a partner.