I Need Help...

[Galaxy Freeze]

Not really sure what category I should put this topic in, but it's safest to put it in general I guess.

Okay guys, I've been having a really tough time with everything. Mainly family issues.

I've already been extremely angry lately because school started for me about two weeks ago (junior in high school), and I just feel it's a complete waste of my f*cking time. I already have a set career in mind (animation), and I work on my own animated series every day, but now that school has been going, I barely have any time. I have no choice but to stay up really late or get up at 3:00 in the morning just to get anything done for it. So that's already going on, at the same time, I've been having lots of trouble with my Asperger's and family. Mostly my mom.

I'm gonna start off by saying that my mom is a perfectionist (at least she is to me), our brains work in completely different ways. What sounds utterly pointless to me is something that is very important to her (usually my hair, or anything to do with how I look). This may sound silly, but this has been a continuous problem for years. If my hair doesn't look like I just walked out of a salon, she gets on my case about it (don't get me wrong, I want to look decent, but she goes way over the top). She's even made me late for school because of her nit-picking.

In general, I tend to look at the bigger, more important picture, while she only cares about small details. Ex. I'll be trying to tell her about how I had a good day because I aced a super hard math test or something, but she'd constantly be trying to ask me what I had for lunch or something dumb. (It's dumb to me, at least)

My mom and I fight almost every day, and 99% of the time, it's about something stupid. I'm posting this now because we just got in another huge fight about the blow-dryer. Yeah, the BLOW-DRYER. I won't go into detail, but it got ugly. Whenever we start fighting about something so stupid, she always has to go on about how stressful her life is, she doesn't even need to go into that. I don't understand. I know she's already stressed because we are having some issues with my sister and grandma, but I barely even interact with my mom. I don't try to cause trouble, and whenever we DO interact, most of the time it turns into a screaming match. I feel like she just takes all her stress out on me, when I try to make it up to her and do something nice for her, she always finds a way to yell at me for something! I am so sick of it, I don't want to talk to her.

I feel like she hates me for my Asperger's, and that I add nothing but stress to her life. I've confronted her about this, I've asked her, "How many positive things have I given you compared to all the negative things?" She was never able to answer. I feel like I'm nothing, my dad has even told her that I'll never learn anything about basic skills like learning how to use silver ware properly. You gotta be kidding me, this is the kind of stuff that builds up, and it pisses me off so much. I feel they can't see the bright sides of my disorder, like my skills and talents. They're always yelling at me about stupid bullsh*t that I could care less about. So sorry for the rant, I don't want to ruin anyone's day/night. But I've had it. I am so done with my parents. It really has all built up over the years, I feel like I'm gonna snap any minute.

I have that, "I'm not the daughter you wanted, I'm an alien from space" feeling. I feel this is the wrong planet, the wrong family. The wrong everything, and I'm f*cking SICK of it. I've tried to talk to them, but I think they really just don't understand everything about me. What do I do? I've even felt like killing myself several times because they make me feel worthless, since they only care about the negative side of my disorder. In other words, they aren't seeing it from my angle. How will I make them understand? Is anyone else in a similar situation? God, I just want to move out already. I. HATE. THIS.

I just need someone to talk to... I have my friends, but they're all straight A students and would rather be doing their stupid-ass homework at the lunch table than talking to me, so that's just great. I'm thinking I might talk to my school counselor, I don't want my parents to find out though, because I know it'll just be more drama. I'm sorry if I offended anyone with this post, I'm very upset, and I'm only typing what's on my mind right now. I might look at this later and regret posting. Keep that in mind. So if anyone on here has some helpful words, that'd be great... if you have a similar story, feel free to share, maybe we can help each other out. It'd be nice to see some like-minded people now.

 

[eon]

I can't believe they are treating you that way. you don't deserve that.

I had perhaps a similar experience while in my last years of school. essentially no one would give me the tiniest respect. no one cared for my chosen passions and my life was merely an ongoing fight between me and those who I felt owed me some encouragement, acceptance, and respect. I've written about this thinking back and wondering if I did something to make myself unreachable but on examining my recollections I've determined that no, it was actually just people being unfair and abusive to me.

We are who we are. I feel horrible for all the negative things you have had to put up with that you described above. don't give up. you absolutely should start with the school's counselor because they may be able to think of some strategies to creating more acceptance and positivity at home. in my case it was a near-psychotic stepmother ruining my life. I've now later in life seen how she took advantage of my father who is actually also aspie (I realized both he and I were while trying to reconcile some kind of love and interaction with him having moved out and begun my own life with nearly 0 support).


also by the time I got through the second year of high school I failed to see any further benefit, not just because I was very different but because public school for the most part is 100% obsolete presently and the only thing transcending that is very good, passionate people who choose teaching to make a difference to their students

 

[smith2267]

My relationship with my mom was rough, but it is much better since she has read about asperger's.
Maybe you could convince your Mom to read up on the subject?

BTW, I am an artist too.

Ha, funny thing, I knew halfway through your post you were a girl. The mention of salon was a dead giveaway, but also the importance your parents place on teaching you manners is more consistent with how society treats girls and what it expects of them.

your mom probably worries about how you will get along. Let her know that there are strengths in being an aspie. mainly, our ability to focus and our independence of thought. They need to help you use those strengths, not try to make you normal.

 

[Galaxy Freeze]

@Eon: I'm glad I'm not the only one here, thanks so much for your post. It felt good to read it. I will think about what you said, and I'm sorry about your situation too! It sucks not having much support. Yeah, I think I will talk to the counselor for sure this week.

@smith2267: Thanks for your post too. My mom has read about it, she ordered some books. But books can never really provide enough details. There's some things that are just hard for others to comprehend unless they have experience with this disorder, or have been working with people with the disorder. At least that's how I feel about my mom. I did think she'd understand because we got a really good book, but apparently it just wasn't enough...

That's cool you're an artist! *Highfive*

Yup, I've thought about how me being a girl does affect what I am expected of. You're absolutely right. There's much more pressure on girls (and frankly, I hate it). Yeah, I think my mom just never really had the daughter she "wanted" (one that shops and wears tons of makeup and what not) because my older sister had problems of her own too. I think I will just pull her aside one night and try to tell her how happy she should be to have me as a daughter, because I do have strengths that others admire me for. It might be hard to see for her now, but once I move out and get a career and stuff, who knows. Thanks a lot for your guys' help. It made me feel better.

 

[total-recoil]

The issues you describe are very common with aspergers. It would help a lot if there was somebody who could talk to your family because aspergers puts pressure on the aspie and the family. What happens is the family often feel hurt or helpless, not knowing how to deal with certain differences that become evident. Basically they don't understand you yet but probably have some awareness of differences.
Really as a family you all need to come to terms with what aspergers is all about and how you are going to collectively accommodate it.
I say this because my best friend had major issues with his mother and hehad very severe aspergers his family never really understood. Had his family been made aware and educated in time, things may have been a whole lot easier. What I do know is when I saw them together it did seem strained between him and his mother and certainly aspergers in family setting really does need some kind of outside intervention.
It would be great if you could find a way to talk to your mother and tell her about your situation. I mean, try and get her to read up on aspergers and make it clear to her you are yourself struggling to fit into school and that you need support at home.
I do know what you're talking about and now I only wish my family had been informed about my aspergers decades ago to save a whole lot of hurt. I did go through a period of anger over family issues but I think now I've learned to see why they would have had a struggle trying to accept the way I was different.
It does sound as if your mum does care in her own way even if her priorites seem weird to you. I think maybe she is somehow trying to make you normal in her eyes by going on about hair and clothes and stuff and somehow trying to assume a degree of control. I really do hope you can all talk it through and adapt and that they'll come to just accept you and your aspergers.
Cheer up. You're far from alone here.

Not really sure what category I should put this topic in, but it's safest to put it in general I guess.

Okay guys, I've been having a really tough time with everything. Mainly family issues.

I've already been extremely angry lately because school started for me about two weeks ago (junior in high school), and I just feel it's a complete waste of my f*cking time. I already have a set career in mind (animation), and I work on my own animated series every day, but now that school has been going, I barely have any time. I have no choice but to stay up really late or get up at 3:00 in the morning just to get anything done for it. So that's already going on, at the same time, I've been having lots of trouble with my Asperger's and family. Mostly my mom.

I'm gonna start off by saying that my mom is a perfectionist (at least she is to me), our brains work in completely different ways. What sounds utterly pointless to me is something that is very important to her (usually my hair, or anything to do with how I look). This may sound silly, but this has been a continuous problem for years. If my hair doesn't look like I just walked out of a salon, she gets on my case about it (don't get me wrong, I want to look decent, but she goes way over the top). She's even made me late for school because of her nit-picking.

In general, I tend to look at the bigger, more important picture, while she only cares about small details. Ex. I'll be trying to tell her about how I had a good day because I aced a super hard math test or something, but she'd constantly be trying to ask me what I had for lunch or something dumb. (It's dumb to me, at least)

My mom and I fight almost every day, and 99% of the time, it's about something stupid. I'm posting this now because we just got in another huge fight about the blow-dryer. Yeah, the BLOW-DRYER. I won't go into detail, but it got ugly. Whenever we start fighting about something so stupid, she always has to go on about how stressful her life is, she doesn't even need to go into that. I don't understand. I know she's already stressed because we are having some issues with my sister and grandma, but I barely even interact with my mom. I don't try to cause trouble, and whenever we DO interact, most of the time it turns into a screaming match. I feel like she just takes all her stress out on me, when I try to make it up to her and do something nice for her, she always finds a way to yell at me for something! I am so sick of it, I don't want to talk to her.

I feel like she hates me for my Asperger's, and that I add nothing but stress to her life. I've confronted her about this, I've asked her, "How many positive things have I given you compared to all the negative things?" She was never able to answer. I feel like I'm nothing, my dad has even told her that I'll never learn anything about basic skills like learning how to use silver ware properly. You gotta be kidding me, this is the kind of stuff that builds up, and it pisses me off so much. I feel they can't see the bright sides of my disorder, like my skills and talents. They're always yelling at me about stupid bullsh*t that I could care less about. So sorry for the rant, I don't want to ruin anyone's day/night. But I've had it. I am so done with my parents. It really has all built up over the years, I feel like I'm gonna snap any minute.

I have that, "I'm not the daughter you wanted, I'm an alien from space" feeling. I feel this is the wrong planet, the wrong family. The wrong everything, and I'm f*cking SICK of it. I've tried to talk to them, but I think they really just don't understand everything about me. What do I do? I've even felt like killing myself several times because they make me feel worthless, since they only care about the negative side of my disorder. In other words, they aren't seeing it from my angle. How will I make them understand? Is anyone else in a similar situation? God, I just want to move out already. I. HATE. THIS.

I just need someone to talk to... I have my friends, but they're all straight A students and would rather be doing their stupid-ass homework at the lunch table than talking to me, so that's just great. I'm thinking I might talk to my school counselor, I don't want my parents to find out though, because I know it'll just be more drama. I'm sorry if I offended anyone with this post, I'm very upset, and I'm only typing what's on my mind right now. I might look at this later and regret posting. Keep that in mind. So if anyone on here has some helpful words, that'd be great... if you have a similar story, feel free to share, maybe we can help each other out. It'd be nice to see some like-minded people now.

 

[total-recoil]

Actually as an after-word, I've eased up a lot on my mother lately. I've eased up on myself too. I did used to be quite cold towards my mother and, to this day, she simply has no idea about aspergers and doubt I could ever explain it as she's now too old. In my case I have a brother who is quite normal and so seemingly a lot more accepted than I am and this in fact caused me to drift further away.
These days I now phone my mother up a lot more and this happened when I found out I had aspergers and began to understand how it would have complicated issues.

 

[Arashi222]

GalaxyFreeze Its hard to be an aspie in a family. They don't always understand. There have been many times when if we had known sooner I think like what total-recoil said things might have gone differently. I am sure things will eventually work out. Its hard on people. Parents have dreams for their children and hopes and sometimes its hard for them to let go of those dreams and hopes for what is really most probable. Often my mom has said when we are making up from a fight is I wish I knew how you think. I wish that I could be in your mind just once to see where all the pieces fall because I don't understand. But she always follows it with I love you. Parents for the most part do love their children but they don't know how to always seperate their love from what they had hoped for their children.

 

[OutsideIn]

I stumbled across your post from a link on twitter and it made me create an account here so I could reply. It seems like you're feeling better now, but I'll say what I'd planned to say anyhow in case it's still helpful. It's cool to see how positive you are about your strengths. You sound like a really confident person who knows what she wants in life. Hopefully your mom can see that and know how important it is for an aspie to make it to that place.

Have you tried negotiating with your mom about things like your hair? Maybe you could get her to agree that if you're presentable and well-groomed then nagging you further about the details is off limits. As the aspie mom of a grown (NT) daughter, I know it was easy to get caught up in the day to day mother-daughter battles. Sometimes it helps to have a conversation during a relatively quiet time when you can both be somewhat rational.

That said, I really sympathize with how you feel. I was undiagnosed as a kid/teen and spent my entire childhood feeling like I had somehow ended up in the wrong family. It was so frustrating because my parents didn't get me and I didn't get them and even meeting somewhere close to the middle was impossible. However, like you said further down the thread, in a few years, when you're out on your own and can do things your way, it'll all be much better. Looking back on high school, it was a time that I just had to keep my head down and get through. But once I got into the world, one of my "weird" special interests turned into a career. It sounds like you're planning to do the same with your animation skills, which is awesome. So this is me--25 years down the road from where you are now--saying yep, there's a lot to look forward to and high school is only temporary.

 

[total-recoil]

A mother is going to want the very best for her daughter and I think deep down in the subconscious there is an awareness something isn't quite normal. This is where it's so important for parents to be educated that aspergers is far from being the end of the world for their son or daughter. Sure, we aspies often lead a tortured life at times as we face rejection, isolation and frustration. Even so, aspies have proven they can be highly successful in career and lead a relatively happy life.
So, the parents here need to come to terms to the fact they have an asperger child who needs support and stability at home. My feeling is if it's at all possible to find a friendly, positive psychologist who could discuss the issues involved with the family, it could save a lot of unecessary heart-ache and arguments.
Much depends on whether the family is willing and able to accept things as they are and then move forwards.
The worst scenario is when parents just won't accept the aspergers because they want so much for their son or daughter to be happy and normal and go into denial.
I really wish I'd had the chance to have had some sort of intervention but back then aspergers wasn't diagnosed and the truth is it caused major stress in my family.

GalaxyFreeze Its hard to be an aspie in a family. They don't always understand. There have been many times when if we had known sooner I think like what total-recoil said things might have gone differently. I am sure things will eventually work out. Its hard on people. Parents have dreams for their children and hopes and sometimes its hard for them to let go of those dreams and hopes for what is really most probable. Often my mom has said when we are making up from a fight is I wish I knew how you think. I wish that I could be in your mind just once to see where all the pieces fall because I don't understand. But she always follows it with I love you. Parents for the most part do love their children but they don't know how to always seperate their love from what they had hoped for their children.

 

[Spinning Compass]

Now that I am in my 50's my mom and I are starting to understand each other better. I went through some of the same things you did as a teen--always felt like I was the flawed one and responsible for all the family problems. Yeah, they did a damn good job of driving that in. It finally got to the point where I said to my sister that Mom has used the word "inconvenient" in referring to me one too many times. She said that Mom was afraid she was losing me, that's how the subject came up. Sad to say in a way she already has. I tried and tried and tried for years to get her to see what she was doing to me and finally gave up. So we are not close and probably never will be but at least we can talk without screaming.

Part of the problem is that there is a power-play in effect. As your parent, legally and socially she has power over you of a type that society grants to no other type of relationship. She cannot see you as a human being because she is still looking through the lens of power and power is not only corrupting it is addicting. Especially if she has no other ways of affirming herself in her life, she is going to hold on to that power as long as she can because it is all she has. I'm not saying she is going around plotting this, she is most likely very unaware of that dimension to your relationship. But it is still there. You, on the other hand, want to break free and be treated as an individual.

My advice is to pick your battles wisely. Give in as much as you can for now because this is temporary. I know you have dreams of becoming an artist but the rest of school is important too. Start building your strategy for independence. Find out what you need to know and go for it.

 

[smith2267]

My mom would have preferred to have an NT child. She told me so, and I can respect her honesty. But you play the hand you're dealt. She has accepted it and is doing her best. Maybe the OP's mom is still in the denial stage