I might need help to understand

[NiniS29]

I hope everyone here made it into the new year and had a great start.

i might need some advice to understand my situation and relationship because I clearly don’t know what to do anymore.

I’m now in a relationship with a really great guy for almost 4 years now. There were many ups and downs

I tried to move to him but it ended up in a mess because things got difficult and different meltdowns happened in the worst way and he also did disappear 2 times big ways. It was to small and he never lived with anyone really together so it made him freak out. I always thought he was sometimes different but when I moved in all hit me I saw him withdrawing slowly having ticks , freaking out about the smallest things like remotes changing place or stuff standing on different areas . Outburst got worse and he thought it was due to me living there he reacted like so
. Because it also took a tool on me. We decided I move out to safe what is left of the relationship. Because I than began to suspect he might have Ben somewhere on the spectrum but after his last dramatic very big meltdown when he nearly broke his hand punching walls. I know he must be and I went to a therapist to talk because it did very much affect me because I love him so much but felt so guilty and helpless.


The wanted him to come after everything I told them because they very much were sure he must be on the spectrum and said it could be Aspergers. I didn’t know how to tell him because at that time he was in a very bad mood and mental situation so I told his mum wich I thought I can trust about my suspicions because also she asked what was going on between us all of a sudden. Well bad idea because she told him behind my back very blundly wich he until today thinks I meant it bad and said I said to his mum he is sick . Wich I didn’t actually die that way. I told her about my worries what happen and what doctors told me
. Well I moved back home now. We are long distance again. I had a hard time. Because he seems to be so angry and anxious against me
Last October than after 6 months away we managed a talk and he told me about his fears that he doesn’t know where it is going or he doesn’t understand why this things are happening with him. And he said whatever I call it autism or whatever it is him and his brain since ever.
But I see him get more and more worse and difficult.

he normally writes me every day some kind of routine to him. And he sometimes just disappears out of no reason and next day is back normal but doesn’t tell you what happens or what’s going on
he visited me 3 weeks agao. And i was expecting the funny happy guy that I haven’t seen in 7 months .but there he was. Distant and even scared of touch or so. When we took a walk he would try to his my hand but never grab it completely just ending between the fingers no balms touching and let goe immediatly. He would kiss me shortly but only looking to touch my face with one finger tip and just to say good night. He would goe out and just notice stains and stuff and ask me why my shoes became so dirty in that hour if I didn’t see.
He needed some new jeans and I suggest my favourite store because we like the same style. We went in he found one took it immediately he didn’t even want to look around went to the checkout saw that there were 3 people in front left it and went out. And the worst we went out eating in a quiet place where they have sushi because he loves it but never goes out of its to full . I always have to tip toe around him to make him happy.
Well I was clumsy as I always am and got stuck between a sushi plate in the moving conveyor belt he immediately freaked out called me names paniced. I did let goe of the plate and thought normally you would laugh about such a incident back than. He is normally very sarcastic. He couldn’t believe what just happened and apologies did. a thousand times but I knew anyway what’s going on so I calmed him down and said it’s ok don’t worry Iam clumsy you know that no need to be sorry
. I would probably slapt myself for it if it was me.
He said to me after he went back that day to the airport. That’s that kind of behaviour I don’t like nor understand I’m sorry.

I so wish I could make him accept it and get diagnosed it seems to get worse and worse. I thought it was me that made him that way but now I’m gone and he changes more. I feel like I lose the man I loved once and he doesn’t love me anymore because he is scared of me and things I’m his problem. When he is with me. I wish he would be ok. Yesterday he disappeared after he promised the day befor we would do a video like once a week. Than ad midnight he did write me that he did sleeeeeeeeeeep forever and he was just up 3 hours and he sleeps again and good night.on Saturday I just called him randomly to wish him a nice day and tell him that I love him

but he just texted me later whatever I want to say I should write him he is on his way to install some audio stuff.

meh seems so distracted and distant at the moment ignores everything I’m saying and anders questions one day later or ignores you.
I really don’t know what to do and I feel so bad useless and unloved but also like if I’m the problem who made him that way . i also just want him to be good and happy. Because I care a lot. But I’m clueless..


Sorry for the long text but it had to get out of me. Also I don’t know how to talk to him because if he gets uncomfortable he ignores things or gets a meltdown and disappears.

 

[All-Rounder]

It sounds like your relationship is very tough, and there is a very unhealthy vicious cycle, and fear of communication because he doesn't control himself and is unpredictable even when you're not doing anything, just stuff happens.

He seems abusive to you despite the fact the tray thing wasn't your fault, and it's hard for me to understand how he could have a meltdown from such a thing unless hes embarrassed by being with you which also isnt your fault. Someone who likes you isnt ashamed when you fall on your face, he seems to not love you but settle for staying with you because hes scared to leave. Maybe hes unhappy with you and it shows through his foul abusive behaviour, I hope you could find strength to move on from him.

Something similar happened to me recently, I talked to my gf's friend about something and I was suspicious of my gf and her friend told her and it broke her heart. I feel for you since you can't rely on people not to tell him, but also cant talk to him due to his anger outbursts. I dont see any bright future for you two unless he goes to a psychologist and learns to manage his anger. But I question his willingness to still love you and be with you, he seems to have given up and not respect or endear you, also never put you first but always have better things to do.

I must insist if you dont want to leave him, or you're afraid to, you have to at least communicate with him, no matter the consequeces. He needs to know these things and how they make you feel. There is nothing to fear, he cant do anything more than he already did to you, if you talk to him. And frankly, if he leaves when you're trying to fix your relationship then I'm afraid it was bound to happen one way or another. You need to know whether he still wants to work on things with you or he desires to have a relationship with someone else. I highly suggest you asking this question too, because it's very important to, and to have no fear about it. If he doesn't want you anymore, he might not be able to say it to you, but he might. And if he does, you know you cant force someone love you and that you deserve to have someone who does, and he deserves to have someone whom he will dedicate time and effort with.

Let me also specify that even with your current careful behaviour, he still takes time away, and I understand your desperation but there is need to discuss these things and also i dont see how he could really behave worse because of it, since hes unpredictable no matter what you do. You cant live your life around fear.

I also want to say that once discussed and understood, these topics need to not be discussed anymore, only have new talks when something else arises. Overcommunicating can get in the way of you bonding, and therefore you also need to have times when you laugh and enjoy yourselves with activities you like, like lovers. Dont be afraid to have some fun together and forget a bit about issues, this will change the dynamic a bit and give you both strength and help the relationship. Avoid going to places for his needs, rather set a time for a date just for you two, indoors or outdoors, whichever you can manage to get with him easier. Specify you want it to be just a romantic bonding date and a time for you two as a couple.

 

[Pats]

No understanding will be useful. Move on.

 

[Sarah S]

Based on what you're describing i would bet he also may have more diagnosis then possible Aspergers and more severe on those as well. So sadly i have to say its time to go your different path.This is a dead end relationship im afraid and he most definetly NEED professional evaluation and HELP or things is gonna go very wrong way i fear.

 

[WoodWorkingJoel]

@NiniS29, this might sound harsh to you now but leave now and cut all ties. That is abusive behavior, ASD(which I seriously doubt) or not. He needs professional help and you need to protect yourself.
Stay safe, look after yourself.

 

[tducey]

Sounds like this is more than just Autism. I suggest you encourage him to get help but also you should think about moving on from him.

 

[NiniS29]

Thank you all so much

it’s hard to move on because he really was a great person and the first one to take me as I am

. but he changed and does change more. I at least want him to get checked up and diagnosed because I want him to be well but he is stubborn like a donkey and gets mad if you say anything autism related. But weirdly enough he called his coworker autistic strange. I really don’t understand him anymore and it hurts me

I want to try to talk to him today

in a video
I need to see what’s going on but I don’t know how to start

 

[NiniS29]

The only thing I want is see him going to therapy and try to figure it what it is. He is so stubborn and I think he is scared of any change and it would be a massive one. That’s the thing. He always accuses it that he than sounds like he is stupid he is completely fine. Clearly not. I think there is more than autism. Definitely ocd aswell as I saw. But I just don’t know how to get through him

 

[GadAbout]

I don't mean to get too personal or provocative, but why do you think this is the best you can do in a relationship?

I'm not one to call people abusive easily, especially if they are more clueless than harmful. But rather, the situation is unsatisfying to you. When you've tried to discuss it, you get no satisfaction.

His mental health is NOT your concern or responsibility. He isn't being very grown up in his relationship behavior. Maybe he just is not grown up enough to be in a real relationship. This happens to different people at different ages, even without autism or other so-called developmental disorders.

I agree with those who say it's okay, and even wise, to break up with this person. If you feel very lonely afterward, you should NOT rush back, but instead make some new connections and friends. Take care of your own mental health.

 

[Aspychata]

There are a lot of extremely abusive men out there. Everybody says you can do better but the true stats of woman in very abusive relationships are never reported. I say if this person floats your boat, then try to just be in friendship mode if that's the best.

 

[NiniS29]

Thank you all very much and you are all right. Since we are long distance for awhile we both agreed to try to spend more time at least try to make one day a month fully for us at least and I’m summer I stay for 2 weeks at his so we could proper talk. The thing is even yesterday on the video I could see he was not looking at me at all when he told me all the stuff he was up to and things and when he did he said I can’t see your face but it was right in front of him on the phone very difficult and he was so tired again always yawning and stuff. I really at least try to talk to him in person for once I never did since his mum did react so blunt and direct with it wich scared me . But I try to at least come with me when I’m there for a bit to a doctor or say. Maybe he will come. He said he does love me . But also his it’s all just very confusing for him at the moment and tiring but I definitely think there is more to it than just autism

his mood swings lately and tiredness and stuff. Well let’s see what happens and I thank you all for your advice and of course I consider also if it doesn’t get anywhere to look also at my feelings and protect myself if it means to go. But he deserves a chance I think to get help.

 

[Sarah S]

From what youre saying as long as you are ready to go if things dont work. And IF he is willing to get help i see no problem in giving this another try.

Of course he is confused and scared and everything in between & that most defenetly takes its toll on the mind

The not being able to look straight in other persons eyes is indeed a ASD trait so i DONT say he`s not ASD (wouldent surprise me actually) BUT not only Asbergers =ASD 1 but probably ASD2 or even like me ASD3 & as i said most probably multible comorbid diagnosis too that BUT thats for a profetional to diagnose of course

Either way i wish you both all the luck in the world

 

[the_tortoise]

The only thing I want is see him going to therapy and try to figure it what it is. He is so stubborn and I think he is scared of any change and it would be a massive one. That’s the thing. He always accuses it that he than sounds like he is stupid he is completely fine. Clearly not. I think there is more than autism. Definitely ocd aswell as I saw. But I just don’t know how to get through him

You cannot make him get help if he doesn’t want to.

If all your hope for this relationship is based on him getting help and changing, and he is clearly extremely resistant to both of those things, you may be just setting yourself up for a whole lot of conflict and hurt.

 

[Sarah S]

You cannot make him get help if he doesn’t want to.

If all your hope for this relationship is based on him getting help and changing, and he is clearly extremely resistant to both of those things, you may be just setting him and yourself up for a whole lot of conflict and hurt.

Thats true BUT if she is willing and able to support him to get help. And he have utliest opend up for the posibility of doing this its worth a second try

 

[NiniS29]

You are both right with it if he goes .
The thing is first time he was not ready and didn’t want to hear anything about it especially not when he freaked out a lot and just kept being like this . And than his mum wich I trusted said it to him very blunt that I think he is sick in the brain her words, wich I didn’t say that way. I just said he worry’s me because of what happened and that he might be not that healthy if she didn’t have seen similar behaviour on him in the past time.
She had to tell him behind my back and also in that way so he was angry for a long time at me because of that and he would became very recent full against me wich I didn’t know until he blew it out. He didnt want to hear anything about any sickness. I had a hard and long time explaining that I didn’t say so or ment it that way...
Things than continued after I left and he might have seen that there is something not because of me. Because he seemd lately way more aware of situations and things than usually wich is good .
At the beginning when I came back to my home I asked him what I’m his mind he thought was wrong at the time with us. He said it was the living situation wich means the small space wich made him freak out and stuff and so on. after he was here I apologised that i did make him feel that way and that I should have gone sooner but this time he said. No it had nothing to do with you actually I was mental it was my fault wich I didn’t understand that he now thinks that way.
but lately he just disappears when he normally would say good night every day since about 2 to 3 weeks after 7 pm he is no where to be seen and comes back to you next morning and talks about your message a day ago means reply’s next day as if we would have just talked. He seems very tired and confused and somewhere else with thoughts I don’t know at the moment what’s going on. But naturally do worry. He is working on a few things in his music world at the moment. Maybe that but it’s confusing again to me and if you ask if he’s ok or where he’s Ben no answer...

 

[NiniS29]

I just want to see how he does feel in summer when I’m there for a bit but like I said he seems to more and more change and to withdraw Himself and he seems very confused and tired I don’t know

 

[All-Rounder]

It's sad he doesnt communicate and open up to you. He needs to start talking or else everything will worry you, you only get worried maybe even without needing to about some things. You need to know what exactly is wrong and you can only tell by his behaviour, Im afraid. But it can go wrong so you never know. It's hard that way.

 

[Sarah S]

I just want to see how he does feel in summer when I’m there for a bit

but like I said he seems to more and more change and to withdraw Himself and he seems very confused and tired I don’t know

Thats understandble.

Its obvius he is on some sort of crisis right now and he really needs help NOW ! BUT if he isent ready or able too then there is sadly not much you can do im afraid.

 

[NiniS29]

Thats understandble.

Its obvius he is on some sort of crisis right now and he really needs help NOW ! BUT if he isent ready or able too then there is sadly not much you can do im afraid.

I do feel as strange as it sounds that something is not ok with him I don’t know why but I have this strong feeling and in the past it did seem right.

2 days ago I did ask him if he’s ok because he would just message me once and than gone every day. Well after I said I’m just worried about him and stuff and that it is not a criticism he writes again every day morning and night now. But still no answer if what’s going on. I just now he is busy with work with rehearsals and remastering a album wich are things he loves but I just feel at the moment I don’t matter anymore somehow. Because when I say something or ask him stuff he normally likes to talk about he just ignores things and never says anything to it. He sometimes answers next day. I really don’t know what to think at the moment .

 

[NiniS29]

It's sad he doesnt communicate and open up to you. He needs to start talking or else everything will worry you, you only get worried maybe even without needing to about some things. You need to know what exactly is wrong and you can only tell by his behaviour, Im afraid. But it can go wrong so you never know. It's hard that way.

It's sad he doesnt communicate and open up to you. He needs to start talking or else everything will worry you, you only get worried maybe even without needing to about some things. You need to know what exactly is wrong and you can only tell by his behaviour, Im afraid. But it can go wrong so you never know. It's hard that way.

He really doesn’t seem to comincate at all. About what’s really going on or how he feels. i Kind of feel he thinks he had this feelings Or anxiety and outbursts because of me. I think he blames me for it and gets cold towards me or avoids me because of that idea. He doesn’t seem like he does really want to think about the idea that something is wrong with him. Or that there are triggers.

it’s hard to get into perspective of this situation but it feels like he just lives in the moment between his music and mastering his practice and his job also he helps his friend a lot with installation jobs. And than he seems to be super drained or tired and just cuts of the next closest unimportant thing wich is me
. When we do a video he always seems happy to see me but lately he is not even really looking at me and he seems to be super nervous and picking his lips again. He seems super confused and frazzled.

I just wish I get something of my boyfriend back . I feel like he is super far away from me . In every case and I wish he would see that he needs some kind of help or talks to me at least.