You know,
@Slim Jim, I used to only be able to grieve for others, never for myself. And inside me there was this tiny black hole just hovering at the edge of my consciousness. I had a Great Wall of China in my mind that I had no idea existed, behind which I had shoved all the dark things that happened in my childhood, because that is how children survive trauma when they can't process it with anyone. And all the footage in my head of terrible things from my childhood was silent, and I felt numb when it played in my head. I could see it all, but I felt nothing. And I felt the most important thing was just to live well in spite of all of that, and not to be causing hell to others. For what had happened, I felt nothing - a big yawning chasm.
Until my early 40s. Cue vivid flashback nightmares, this time with all the sound turned up and with the same terrifying feelings I had felt when I was little, that my brain had stored up for all those years. Well, that got my attention. Then I was diagnosed with complex PTSD. Wow. Emotions are also data - and it's amazing what my own brain had held back. The thing is, I needed those emotions - so that I could grieve for the little girl that these things had happened to, who had had to deal with all of these things alone, with not a soul to breathe a word to. Because otherwise there would be hell to pay.
And I needed to feel those emotions, so that I could be more integrated. So I spent half a year working part-time, feeling these feelings, processing the flood of flashbacks, thinking about everything so differently, with the missing information restored. I was lucky I had the breathing space to do it - we were on our smallholding by then, and we had enough to eat and pay the bills. I suspect if the breathing space hadn't been there, those emotions would still be dammed up behind the Great Wall of China.
What I learnt was that the little child I had been was as important as any other little child, who if you or I were to see in her despair, we would come to the aid of. And since nobody did, in those moments, I had to go back and be there for that little girl, in retrospect, in those moments. Like travelling down the Pensieve.
And I can't tell you the difference that made...it was the biggest revelation in my life. It shook things up like you wouldn't believe. I am no longer divided, and what I understood from that helps me to live better.
