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I know this will sound bad, but...

Discussion in 'Help and Support' started by Jordyn, Jan 5, 2018.

  1. Jordyn

    Jordyn New Member

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    I hate a lot of people with Asperger's and I'm diagnosed with Asperger's but I don't think I'm Aspie. I think I just have some autistic tendencies/traits. My Asperger's diagnosis was replaced by PDD-NOS but many professionals who are ignorant still write down "Asperger's" sometimes just because I can talk normally but the Asperger's label causes more stereotypes than it diffuses. People think just from my label (rather than my behavior, but people never judge me by my behavior but by my label once they learn about the label) that I have disruptive Aspie traits or Aspie traits that impact my life, but I don't. I feel my life has been ruined.
     
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  2. pax

    pax Well-Known Member

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    So why are you here?
     
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  3. Dan Dan

    Dan Dan Im a dog person!

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    Ok first of all hate is a strong word. To feel hate for people is not a good thing. Its a dark energy that will consume you over time. There are people who i dislike but i dont hate anyone and i especially wouldn't hate someone for who they are. Perhaps if you connect with people and try and understand them more you may start to learn things about yourself and the hate you feel will subside!
     
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  4. Progster

    Progster Gone sideways to the sun V.I.P Member

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    I'm not a psychologist so I may be wrong, but it sounds like you are projecting your own self-hatred onto other people, perhaps blaming Asperger's for some bad things that have happened in your life? Think about all the positive aspects of having ASD rather than focusing on the negative. If you read around this forum, you will see that there are some really great, unique and kind people with ASD.

    People are so much more than a psychiatrist's label!
     
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  5. Bolletje

    Bolletje Potato chip wizard V.I.P Member

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    I can't help but wonder what it is you're hoping to gain by joining a forum for the autistic community to mention how you hate many aspies and reject your own diagnosis. Are you looking for help? A place to vent? Looking for someone to revoke your diagnosis? Whatever it is you're looking for, I can tell you this: changing however you're labeled doesn't change anything about who you are. In the end, the labels are just words. But it seems to me the issue isn't as much with the label, as it is with yourself. Good luck with that.
     
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  6. Suzanne

    Suzanne Well-Known Member

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    You know, since aspies often get misdiagnosed as not being aspies, then it is a reasonable conclusion that ones can be misdiagnosed as being an aspie, when they are not.

    Why do you believe you are not an aspie? Just based on the fact that you hate aspies? As Progster says, you could easily be transferring the hate you feel for yourself on to others. After all, if you are faced with aspies on a day to day basis who have traits that you have, that you hate, it is naturally going to cause you to not like their traits.

    Hate is a strong word and yes, it is destructive; but like you, I use hate for things I dislike. I can bounce from hate to love in a second, which naturally, is not great for my long suffering husband.
     
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  7. Suzanne

    Suzanne Well-Known Member

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    Just to add to everyone's post: he did actually say that he knows he sounds bad, but isn't this forum for also venting? It is awfully frustrating being an aspie, in the world of nts.
     
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  8. Butterfly88

    Butterfly88 Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I'm PDD-NOS as well. Some people I've met don't know what PDD-NOS is. However, if I mention it's like Asperger's then they will have more of an idea of what I mean. I do wish more people understood PDD-NOS but since they don't I'm happy to say it's like Asperger's. Also, the full name for PDD-NOS, Pervasive Developmental Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, sounds kind of scary if you think about it. To an outsider, it could sound like you have a major developmental delay. Then saying Asperger's, as annoying as it is, could lead to people treating you like you are more intelligent and may in fact be helpful.
     
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  9. Chance

    Chance "all who wander are not lost" - Tolkien V.I.P Member

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    Maybe just try and find what you do like about yourself and about others and work on that????
    Hate isnt good for anyone especially ourselves.
     
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  10. Chance

    Chance "all who wander are not lost" - Tolkien V.I.P Member

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    What a word picture "throwing a dead cat on the dining room table"... Geez
    I'm trying to unsee it now... : )
     
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  11. The Midge

    The Midge Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Thank for saying it as you see it. We appreciate that because honesty and being straight forward is a quality that we Auties tend to have. So expect that we will continue to tell you in a direct fashion what we think.

    You need to look at your qualities. Being on the spectrum gives you some even as it limits you in certain areas of your life. Accept them, maybe embrace them. Above learn to love yourself. You are worth it.
     
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  12. OkRad

    OkRad Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I think the poster makes a good point. A pscyhiatrist has a lot of power. They write something down, and bang, it's on your record. Anotehr dr won't question the first.

    You can't tell someone just to stop hating . We are not black and white. He said he hates "some". Maybe he will love us :)

    I agree with those who said to ignore the label, but you really can't. Once a mental health (or difference) dx is on your record, forget it. You can be as brave as you want
     
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  13. Warmheart

    Warmheart Something nerdy this way comes V.I.P Member

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    Welcome here! I’m sorry you’re feeling badly about being on the spectrum. I hope I can bring some encouragement.

    “Ableism” is like racism, sexism, or any of the other “isms.” Ableism is the false notion that only non-disabled people have any real value, have lives worth living. Society can have both very ableist influences in some areas, yet also very understanding, sensible segments where diversity of the human condition is not only valued, but appreciated for its many strengths offered.

    “Internalized Ableism” can happen when someone swallows these wrong ideas. The hurt inside feels bad, because the person assumes their disability and difference makes them somehow “less than.” They want to “fit in,” when they were born to stand out. ;)

    What helps: Connect with the segments of society who can help move your perception of your differences and disability to a more positive place.
    Medical model of disability = deficits-based.
    Social model of disability = strengths-based.

    What’s so great about being an Aspie? Well, just looking at this forum alone, I’d say the talent base is broad. We’re all individuals with our own strengths brought about by ASD.
    Examples can include phenomenal attention to detail, amplified sensory sensitivities, pattern-recognition experts, loyalty, directness, honesty, incredible enthusiasm for our passions, skill with using logic to parse a knotty problem, etc.

    Although through TV, film, and other media, we’re becoming more “popular,” we don’t need others to like our label, as much as we need to craft our inner circle with those who appreciate our many strengths.

    You are of value as you are. Learning to appreciate the positives may take time and a change of focus from deficits to strengths.

    Welcome to our community. :)
     
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  14. Jordyn

    Jordyn New Member

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    Hi, everyone. Sorry if I sounded awful. I feel more PDD-NOS (albeit normally-ish functioning) than Aspie and yet many behind-the-times people are still calling me Aspie. I guess I've just been around a lot of assholes lately that happened to be Aspie or claim to be. But I also don't like how Aspies get treated... like they have all the negative symptoms of AS including ones they don't have. I've been treated like that too much and don't want to be treated like that any more.

    I guess I'm looking for someone to relate and tell their own stories.
     
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  15. OkRad

    OkRad Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    A lot of us have been treated abominably by the mental health system and by other people, mostly NT's.

    I am glad you are here! I hope you can feel better by coming here. A lot of very kind and understanding people here. :)
     
  16. Jordyn

    Jordyn New Member

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    I wrote this in a mental health group I belong to and it describes my feelings still:


    "How can I learn to be proud of my differences or different labels that don't apply to me and not hate them and hate myself for them? I've been hated too many times for them or had those aspects of me hated and and now I'm internalizing it. I get intrusive thoughts of how autistic people "deserve the gas chambers", are "useless, foolish, stupid, evil, lazy, insane, naive, ignorant, childish, simple, hateful, hated, hate-filled, would-be-dangerous-if-they-only-had-a-brain, boring, dull, ugly, one-track-minded, baffling, not-worth-it, worthless, sloppy, careless, uncaring, gross, disgusting, weak, feebleminded, perpetually offended, senseless,", etc. and I am afraid I'm going to get kicked out of this group and every autistic pride group I ever joined trying so hard to be proud of my autism, but failing miserably to be proud of it. I know I'm an evil monster for posting this. I deserve to be kicked out of this group. I deserve to be ****ing locked up, actually, because I feel like committing a hate crime on myself that will have consequences on the self-esteem of every other autistic who knows me when they think of me. I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry. To every autistic out there that I think is cool. I'm starting to see the light a bit as I write this, but I'm still way down in a rut."
     
  17. Jordyn

    Jordyn New Member

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    I am so sorry. I feel like ****, when my mood improves I see how I hurt other autistics by saying these things nad then I feel shitty again, other times I just feel shitty because of the stigma.
     
  18. Bella Pines

    Bella Pines Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Well firstly welcome, sounds like your journey is just beginning.

    I suppose that you have absorbed the hate around you and are now, as you've realized, internalizing it. So if it helps, I don't hate you :) I think you're on to a good path by analyzing where you are and who you are.

    However, I also think you seem to be in a downward spiral. "People don't like me, therefore I don't like me, I want to like me but people don't like me, therefore I don't like me... " and round and round. The diagnosis isn't helping because you seem to be asking, am I PDD-NOD, am I aspie, you will probably go on to wonder about all the other conditions, bipolar, ptsd etc.

    Ultimately you are not a label, you are quite simply you. So if you want stories then read the threads here, there are many. But if you want to break the cycle then you need to figure out a way to do that. There are some good ideas on this forum, specifically on how to combat depression. Look for one good thing. One good thing about yourself that you can be proud of. Even if it is small like picking up a pen that someone dropped and handing it back to them, writing, singing, brushing your teeth. Find one good thing and focus on it. Maybe that is the key to breaking out of the spiral.
     
  19. Jordyn

    Jordyn New Member

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    I'm proud I helped my friend today by talking to her about her problems, but I'm mostly bad it seems. And again, I'm so sorry I have so much hate. I know I'm not a label but just me, but people think we are our labels because the DSM tries to encompass like every aspect of the person with the AS label.
     
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  20. Bella Pines

    Bella Pines Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    No one is good or bad. Look up from the computer for just a second. There is no contract of judgement, declaring you a demon. There is no past or future. There is only you and the room you are in. The next choice you make will shape your life and influence others around you, as will the choice after that.

    People will think what they think, that is their choice. Our brains form associations from our dna and our upbringing. I have aspergers and was raised by a paranoid schizophrenic with agoraphobia. I have a severely reduced capacity for empathy and when people I care about are suffering, I feel nothing, I bite back the urge to explain to them how they got themselves into whatever mess they are bleating about and I am capable of a lot worst. But I make my choices in the minute and I choose to be what they need me to be, I choose to help in any way I can and I choose to work to improve the world. So hold on to that moment when you helped a friend by listening and slowly, let that shape you.
     
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