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I just realized that I have WASTED my ENTIRE LIFE!!!!!!!!!

UberScout

Please Don't Be Mad At Me 02/09/1996
V.I.P Member
Twenty six years.

Twenty six years, I have been on this evil, unforgiving planet.

During that time I have had several ambitions, more lifelong dreams than I can count on fingers toes and hairs, few of which I have actually attempted to act upon.

How many of those have come true? ZERO! How many friends do I have? Quite a few, but the problem with a good half of them is that uh, you're all scattered around the world! Not that I hate that, but I really wish I could have met some of you in person some days.... How many girls have I met? LOTS. How many girlfriends have I had? Four. How many turned out to be either crazy, too far away or already taken? ALL OF THEM.

When I was eight, I saw a trailer in Walmart's game aisle for this game that featured like, eighty-something selectable characters, all of which were able to do these flashy, sparky, fiery moves and combos that looked super awesome and my tiny little brain was like "cool, I wanna do something like that! I wanna produce my own game some day!"

Twenty six years, several sketchbooks full of unfinished concept art, many notebooks with game ideas later, look where I am. I'm still doing nothing but spending every morning waiting for everybody to wake up, just so I can go downtown and make maybe a trickling $10 every week or so to add on to whatever funds we currently have, just to get by, only to come home to see that my family's having YET ANOTHER fight over yet another something else that's too petty to have a serious fight over, sometimes involving me, allll so we can all wake up tomorrow and do it all over again. For what? What do we gain? What do we learn? Where do we lead ourselves in the process? When do we decide enough is enough? Why do we even bother to waste all our time, effort, energy, into screaming at each other over something that little kids solve by sharing with each other?

What in the name of holy handwritten hateful hell was God thinking when he put me here, on this unforgiving, stench-of-pure-hateful-evil, masochistic, bipolar, no-good bottom-of-the-fish-barrel, cluelessly spinning ball of steaming CRAP?!

Throughout the course of my "life" if I dare even think to define this stupid timeline I'm in in such a way, I have found myself converting from Christianity to SEVERAL different religions in search of some form of meaning to the lifelong calendar of misfortune I've been so LOVINGLY handed by the Man Upstairs. Zero answers. Zero whatsoever.

The ONLY thing I have managed to find to be of any actual use to me in any form of spirituality at ALL, is magick/witchcraft. I have done many spells in the past, the whole thing started as a suggestion by my mother while she was still doing her taxi job, after I introduced her to a website called Spells of Magic. I told her I had learned how to perform sigil magick and told her I could use it to attract money to us in the form of her receiving calls for her job. Lo and behold, when I did one, she called me and told me, believe it or not, that it actually worked and she did end up making a lot of money, so, I've been performing magick spells ever since, for different reasons and things we've needed over the years, many of which were very, VERY vital to our survival. I think, in a strong sense, if I had simply brushed off magick as some kind of collection of old wives tales, I don't think my family would even have the house I'm sitting inside of right now.

You know what would have happened if I had asked GOD for that to happen to us? NOTHING. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. BECAUSE THE WHOLE TIME I TURNED TO PRAYER WHEN WE WERE HOMELESS, THE ENTIRE, WHOLE TIME I PRAYED TO GOD, LEGITIMATELY, I NEVER, EVER SAW ANY OF IT GET ANSWERED.

The ONLY time anything actually happened for us was when I performed a magick spell. If I asked God, I'd get crickets.

So what has God ever done for me?

What am I even doing here?!
 
Some cultures believe we are doomed to a life of suffering and to overcome this will bring us to the next level of a higher awareness. Not sure if this helps. Perhaps you have the tough role in your family. It's not want you wanted, it's a burden, it's forced you to grow up on many levels. Perhaps you never had a childhood. Some of us at this forum didn't have a safe nurturing childhood. Yet we still persevere. Please get help if you need it. Family situations do become unbearable. Yet sometimes the system in place to help you may help, it sorta depends on what state in US you live in. Anyways, don't forget to understand that some of us get your distress and frustration. Please don't harm yourself.
 
Twenty six years.

Twenty six years, I have been on this evil, unforgiving planet.

During that time I have had several ambitions, more lifelong dreams than I can count on fingers toes and hairs, few of which I have actually attempted to act upon.

How many of those have come true? ZERO! How many friends do I have? Quite a few, but the problem with a good half of them is that uh, you're all scattered around the world! Not that I hate that, but I really wish I could have met some of you in person some days.... How many girls have I met? LOTS. How many girlfriends have I had? Four. How many turned out to be either crazy, too far away or already taken? ALL OF THEM.

When I was eight, I saw a trailer in Walmart's game aisle for this game that featured like, eighty-something selectable characters, all of which were able to do these flashy, sparky, fiery moves and combos that looked super awesome and my tiny little brain was like "cool, I wanna do something like that! I wanna produce my own game some day!"

Twenty six years, several sketchbooks full of unfinished concept art, many notebooks with game ideas later, look where I am. I'm still doing nothing but spending every morning waiting for everybody to wake up, just so I can go downtown and make maybe a trickling $10 every week or so to add on to whatever funds we currently have, just to get by, only to come home to see that my family's having YET ANOTHER fight over yet another something else that's too petty to have a serious fight over, sometimes involving me, allll so we can all wake up tomorrow and do it all over again. For what? What do we gain? What do we learn? Where do we lead ourselves in the process? When do we decide enough is enough? Why do we even bother to waste all our time, effort, energy, into screaming at each other over something that little kids solve by sharing with each other?

What in the name of holy handwritten hateful hell was God thinking when he put me here, on this unforgiving, stench-of-pure-hateful-evil, masochistic, bipolar, no-good bottom-of-the-fish-barrel, cluelessly spinning ball of steaming CRAP?!

Throughout the course of my "life" if I dare even think to define this stupid timeline I'm in in such a way, I have found myself converting from Christianity to SEVERAL different religions in search of some form of meaning to the lifelong calendar of misfortune I've been so LOVINGLY handed by the Man Upstairs. Zero answers. Zero whatsoever.

The ONLY thing I have managed to find to be of any actual use to me in any form of spirituality at ALL, is magick/witchcraft. I have done many spells in the past, the whole thing started as a suggestion by my mother while she was still doing her taxi job, after I introduced her to a website called Spells of Magic. I told her I had learned how to perform sigil magick and told her I could use it to attract money to us in the form of her receiving calls for her job. Lo and behold, when I did one, she called me and told me, believe it or not, that it actually worked and she did end up making a lot of money, so, I've been performing magick spells ever since, for different reasons and things we've needed over the years, many of which were very, VERY vital to our survival. I think, in a strong sense, if I had simply brushed off magick as some kind of collection of old wives tales, I don't think my family would even have the house I'm sitting inside of right now.

You know what would have happened if I had asked GOD for that to happen to us? NOTHING. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. BECAUSE THE WHOLE TIME I TURNED TO PRAYER WHEN WE WERE HOMELESS, THE ENTIRE, WHOLE TIME I PRAYED TO GOD, LEGITIMATELY, I NEVER, EVER SAW ANY OF IT GET ANSWERED.

The ONLY time anything actually happened for us was when I performed a magick spell. If I asked God, I'd get crickets.

So what has God ever done for me?

What am I even doing here?!

My experience (and science) has shown god doesn't exist...that and commonsense. :)

This is what I found: you get more of what you focus on. It's not magick, it's intent driven by desire. Your subconscious then figures out a way to get there. If you worry about everything, worry and hardship is what you'll get. If you focus on creativity and monetary success, you can achieve it...takes time and effort...it never comes easy, because anything worthwhile never does.
 
I was just watching a recent TEDx talk with Elon Musk (a fellow Aspie), but he said something that may apply here. The topic was about how he started Tesla automotive. Paraphrasing,..."Having an idea is easy. Creating a working prototype is relatively easy. Production is extremely hard." Furthermore, he elaborated, that he certainly wasn't the first to create an electric car,...a recent Bloomberg article suggested that over 500 electric vehicle start-ups have been created over the years,...only Tesla was able to ramp up production. In fact, Tesla is the only American auto company to ramp up production since 1920,...and that was Chrysler. He said for 3 years he literally slept in the factory,...an uncompleted factory running around trying to get things to function properly working in excess of 18hrs a day, 7 days a week. Meanwhile,...the Wall Street short sellers were trying to crush his stock,...the worst short-seller attack in the history of the stock market. Meanwhile,...the Securities and Exchange Commission were on another attack,....literally holding his funding for the company hostage,...forcing him to lie about things (against the law),...in which later, they took him to court again for lying (that they forced him to do)...."Those corrupt bastards." Meanwhile,...the oil and gas lobby were running an anti-electric vehicle campaign against him in the media,...1000's of gasoline-powered vehicles catch fire in the US every year,...13% of all fire department calls are for gas-powered vehicle fires,...never makes the news. 1 electric car catches fire,...it makes international news. He said, it was excruciatingly painful,...literally the worst 3 years of his life, and no one should have to go through that. The point being,...having a goal in life,...those big ones that really matter,...if you're going to accomplish them it takes an incredible amount of effort,...the kind of effort most people are not willing to put themselves through.

It's not that we all don't have dreams or plans for a better future,...it's that most of us don't have the hardened resolve to put ourselves through the "fires of Hell" to make it happen. We almost always give up before it gets difficult,...really difficult. You can apply this to finishing up your educational degree, starting a new business, pushing though difficult times with a relationship with your life partner,...whatever. We all have to decide is the end goal worth the effort,...and not let our minds get swallowed up in the emotional, irrational thoughts that sabotage ourselves. You see a lot of self-destructive behavior out there,...people I am sure you know,...lots of situations.
 
My experience (and science) has shown god doesn't exist...that and commonsense. :)

This is what I found: you get more of what you focus on. It's not magick, it's intent driven by desire. Your subconscious then figures out a way to get there. If you worry about everything, worry and hardship is what you'll get. If you focus on creativity and monetary success, you can achieve it...takes time and effort...it never comes easy, because anything worthwhile never does.

Agree. This is not rocket science for me. Those who achieve in some bigger way or regularly are the ones who turn stress, obstacles and negativity sooner than later into something good, after that learning from those things. I mean, I actually often do my best in life under stress. When not under stress, I can put forth less efforts. Not only do I learn under stress more about myself, others and those experiences, but it motivates me to be better, wiser and more effective and efficient.

I never was always this way. It took conscious effort to not dwell on things I could not change, and to dwell more on what I had control of: my positive thoughts and targeted efforts. I rarely focused on getting immediate great results, as great efforts do not always result in that right away, if other things need to come into play. I only focused on doing my best, changing my thought patterns to focus much more on the good things in life instead of the bad, and finding other paths if need be, if I still wanted more.

For me focusing on negative things in life more than a brief minute or two is often useless and counterproductive, unless for big harmful occurrences where we may need to go through the appropriate stages, as we need then proper healing and/or to learn from those experiences to find ways to do better or to prevent more harm or pain, but it makes no sense otherwise to dwell on negative things more than needed. Yes, many are trained to think negatively, but for many of those persons, that could change soon.

It's called changing your priorities, trusting in your own abilities, research, and acting on good advice, not letting setbacks and negative persons change your better targeted efforts and positive thinking daily attempts. Too many persons want some magic pill or other quick solution to better things. Well, they are overlooking the power of their own minds. In most cases, our minds do not control our positive and negative thoughts. Brains are not meant to be static for such. They need healthy exercises, too.
 
You know what would have happened if I had asked GOD for that to happen to us? NOTHING. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. BECAUSE THE WHOLE TIME I TURNED TO PRAYER WHEN WE WERE HOMELESS, THE ENTIRE, WHOLE TIME I PRAYED TO GOD, LEGITIMATELY, I NEVER, EVER SAW ANY OF IT GET ANSWERED.

The ONLY time anything actually happened for us was when I performed a magick spell. If I asked God, I'd get crickets.

So what has God ever done for me?

What am I even doing here?!
Next time you pray try using gambler's math*. Only count the hands that you win or break even on. My uncle was adept at that, until he lost his farm. But that could happen to anybody, right?
Example, suppose an EF5 tornado nails Moore Oklahoma and kills two dozen people. After praying just disregard those deaths and focus on a three year old girl who lived. Walla! It's a miracle!
This is a technique that works with magick spells as well.

*Aka Texas Sharpshooter's fallacy.
 

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