I just don’t get Banter..

[Frostee]

It’s something I can understand in light forms but I just don’t get it. At the end of the day, to me it IS sort of a way to have a dig at someone in a “socially acceptable” manner.

Tonight, I was playing a game with a few folks... now, two of the people there kept trying to “banter” with me. They’d say “aw that’s a poor answer” or “come on that’s not a valid answer” and i’d be thinking “ok, what is your problem, why are you targeting me with this?”.

I of course was defensive and highly sensitive. Banter is not and never has been something that I can handle or “get”.

I have and always will see it as a subtle dig at people that you have grievances with or dislike somewhat. I would love to be able to comprehend it in the NT way.. but I cannot see this happening.

Does anyone have any strategies to deflect it or potentially stop it? Usually my responses just lead to more.

 

[Fino]

I completely agree! I don't have any close friends who do this. When it does happen with someone, I try to laugh and go along with it as if it's somehow funny, and then I avoid that person.

 

[Misery]

It's one of those things that's hard to explain to anyone that doesnt already get it.

I do it alot. Like, alot. Between me and my father in particular it's *constant*. And there's usually alot of laughing involved. But then, we've always been very close.

Same with my closest friend IRL. Usually once the gaming (video games specifically) begins, the banter also begins, and so does the hilarity. It can get loud. Probably confuses the hell out of anyone that has no idea that competitive video-gaming is happening. I can imagine someone who doesnt know us, walking down the hall, hearing "HOLD STILL, THE SCHEDULE SAYS YOU DIE NOW" (this line being one from me recently) followed by alot of cackling must be very confused. Often we'll have to take a break because my friend is simply laughing so hard that it starts to hurt.

Something like that, it sure dont sound too good when written down (actually to me it still sounds hilarious), but... I think alot of people who are into doing competitive things with friends probably get it (and indeed, whenenver I am around other random gamer groups, they all have their own often-loud form of banter). It really just depends on the individual, and the group.

And same with random banter that happens at random times. For those that "get" it, it's very, very hard to explain in any sufficient way to those that dont. Believe me, I've tried. On this forum. More than once.

Just understand: Someone trying it with you probably doesnt realize that you dont understand the concept. It's one of those things where if someone DOES "get it", they have a tendency to assume everyone around them also does. Just try explaining it them that it makes no sense to you, and explain to them that even if they try to teach you how it works, you probably still wont get it. It might help prevent some problems later, from statements being taken in a way that wasnt meant. This is also one of those cases where it can help to point out the whole "being on the spectrum" thing, as it seems like quite a few people on the spectrum cant quite grasp the concept of banter in general.

 

[Shamar]

It’s something I can understand in light forms but I just don’t get it. At the end of the day, to me it IS sort of a way to have a dig at someone in a “socially acceptable” manner.

Tonight, I was playing a game with a few folks... now, two of the people there kept trying to “banter” with me. They’d say “aw that’s a poor answer” or “come on that’s not a valid answer” and i’d be thinking “ok, what is your problem, why are you targeting me with this?”.

I of course was defensive and highly sensitive. Banter is not and never has been something that I can handle or “get”.

I have and always will see it as a subtle dig at people that you have grievances with or dislike somewhat. I would love to be able to comprehend it in the NT way.. but I cannot see this happening.

Does anyone have any strategies to deflect it or potentially stop it? Usually my responses just lead to more.

Understanding banter is a means of identifying members of a group. If you don't understand it, you are not one of them. I don't know how to embed a video here, but check out Monty Python "RAF Banter Sketch."

 

[Fino]

Just try explaining it them that it makes no sense to you, and explain to them that even if they try to teach you how it works, you probably still wont get it. It might help prevent some problems later, from statements being taken in a way that wasnt meant. This is also one of those cases where it can help to point out the whole "being on the spectrum" thing, as it seems like quite a few people on the spectrum cant quite grasp the concept of banter in general.

I forgot I do this too. Nice people will listen and stop. Others can be ignored forever.

 

[Aspychata]

Think banter is tolerated if you know the person will and you don't take issue with the subect matter. I tend to get slightly embarrassed when l find out l am the target. However, l only banter with my closest friends who know me and usually don't take offense. However, like Fino, if you don't know me, don't insult me with your useless banter because for some strange reason , *scratching head* l do take offense because you are treating me like we are on that level and l consider us just random social plays and you crossed the line. Sometimes we banter because we are in the moment and the other person maybe horrified. I do banter a bit because l enjoy seeing people chuckle.

 

[Streetwise]

It’s something I can understand in light forms but I just don’t get it. At the end of the day, to me it IS sort of a way to have a dig at someone in a “socially acceptable” manner.

Tonight, I was playing a game with a few folks... now, two of the people there kept trying to “banter” with me. They’d say “aw that’s a poor answer” or “come on that’s not a valid answer” and i’d be thinking “ok, what is your problem, why are you targeting me with this?”.

I of course was defensive and highly sensitive. Banter is not and never has been something that I can handle or “get”.

I have and always will see it as a subtle dig at people that you have grievances with or dislike somewhat. I would love to be able to comprehend it in the NT way.. but I cannot see this happening.

Does anyone have any strategies to deflect it or potentially stop it? Usually my responses just lead to more.

don’t spend a lot of time with people who do that

 

[Suzanne]

My husband is famous for doing this to me. I will show him my piece of cross stitching I am doing and he comes back with: what is that? Is that supposed to look like that? He NEVER says that my work is good and his reason: to not inflate my ego and yet, ironically, he causes me to inflate my ego, because of how negative he is and he calls it: banter. Come on, I was only joking.

After 27 year's, I still don't get his humor.

 

[Progster]

Agree totally. Both with not doing banter, and that it is a socially acceptable dig at someone.

I take it literally. If I hear "what rubbish is this?" then I believe that the person thinks it's rubbish and begin to defend myself. And a lot of interaction in a social group is based round banter: As @Shamar says, if you don't play along with it, then you are an outsider, not one of the group. It's one of the reasons that I don't fit in social groups.

I can sometimes make jokes, but have great difficulty following through with a retort if someone jokes with me. It takes a few seconds to process, and the pause that ensues kills the banter. It also puts me under a lot of pressure and stress. Online I can often come up with witty remarks, but not in real life. I'm too slow, not spontaneous enough.

How do I deal with it? I tend to avoid people with excessive banter.

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

There are two types of "banter". Banter between friends who are both in on the the joke, and being a jerk with a dose of gaslighting.

If you don't get it say so and ask them to stop. If they are a nice person they will, if they dismiss you and carry on then avoid them.

 

[Misery]

It's interesting to see the responses to this. And when thinking about it more, I have to wonder if it's somewhat dependent on how much exposure one gets to it, and to things like sarcasm, which usually goes hand in hand.

In my case, I think part of it is Garfield comics. No, seriously. I've read ALOT of these. I have most of the compilation books. I've read through all of them many, many times. There was one time when I was doing some video game with a friend of mine, and my cousin, who was sitting nearby rather bored, was randomly reading Garfield, and just started quizzing me on it. He'd read the dialogue in the first panel, and then I'd recite the rest of it. Even while still playing the game, I didnt get any of it wrong. Can quote it word for word. That's just how much I have read it.

And Garfield as a character is so sarcastic that he may as well have invented the concept. And I've ended up the same way. If you were to meet me IRL, you'd quickly find that I can barely get out a sentence or two without saying something really sarcastic, full of irony, or both. And that, I think, is where the familiarity with banter comes from for me (as in the comics, it is CONSTANTLY done there).

Others however, with not much exposure to it, maybe get confused not just from being on the spectrum, but for that simple lack of much in the way of encountering it.

Yeah, just something I found interesting about the whole thing.

 

[clg114]

Banter is just another form of communication that usually goes right over my head. On the rare times when I do recognize it as a dig, I never know what to say. A few hours later I usually think of a perfect comeback, but it is to late then. These days it rarely happens because most people that I encounter want me to do something for them.

 

[AnnMoss]

"HOLD STILL, THE SCHEDULE SAYS YOU DIE NOW"

(I find this quite hilarious)

 

[Judge]

I tend not to react to sarcasm that likely goes right over my head in real time. Where my real impulse is to mull over what was just said, and inevitably think I've just been insulted. Yet without any reaction, it's like a joke that goes flat. Leaving the person who initiated the sarcasm to simply move on as if they had said nothing.

That works- for me.

 

[Pats]

Is that the same as 'just trying to be funny'?

 

[Judge]

Is that the same as 'just trying to be funny'?

Had to reconsider your question. No- not from my perspective.

I just see this as a form of social "damage control" rather than for someone's sense of humor to potentially evoke unintended consequences. Much better than suddenly telling someone, "I'm on the spectrum of autism and cannot properly parse sarcasm!"

-Which in many cases sadly invites many more questions than answers.

I realize that sarcasm can be both humorous and witty. However such rationalizations do not transcend my inability to neurologically process it in real-time. And for me there's nothing funny about that.

 

[Pats]

Had to reconsider your question. No- not from my perspective.

I just see this as a form of social "damage control" rather than for someone's sense of humor to potentially evoke unintended consequences. Much better than suddenly telling someone, "I'm on the spectrum of autism and cannot properly parse sarcasm!"

-Which in many cases sadly invites many more questions than answers.

I realize that sarcasm can be both humorous and witty. However such rationalizations do not transcend my inability to neurologically process it in real-time. And for me there's nothing funny about that.

No, I mean as in two people going back and forth and both laughing and having fun. Meaning, both people are involved. I'm asking because I'm not really sure I understand what 'banter' is either. I don't know why we have to label everything.
Me and my sister will go back and forth and we can say things to each other that would be inappropriate to say to someone else. We both know we're just trying to be funny and not taking anything seriously. Is that banter?

 

[Judge]

No, I mean as in two people going back and forth and both laughing and having fun. Meaning, both people are involved. I'm asking because I'm not really sure I understand what 'banter' is either. I don't know why we have to label everything.
Me and my sister will go back and forth and we can say things to each other that would be inappropriate to say to someone else. We both know we're just trying to be funny and not taking anything seriously. Is that banter?

noun
noun: banter
the playful and friendly exchange of teasing remarks.
"there was much singing and good-natured banter"

Where the pronoun "we" carries a great deal of weight. Something mutually understood and agreed to.

That it all depends on the delivery. One void of sarcasm would be a delivery I'd be most apt to understand and reciprocate. One rife of sarcasm would not.

That the key to successful "banter" is dependent upon nothing less than mutual understanding. Whether the discussion is "serious" or not. After all, humor not properly understood isn't particularly funny.

 

[SusanLR]

The man I live with does banter all the time and I take it seriously.
I didn't grow up with banter and didn't get it when he started it all the time with me.
I just feel insulted or put down.
After seven years, he knows I don't get it. We've talked about it and he says he can tell from the way
I look at him I don't get it. So why keep doing it? I feel he gets a kick out of knowing it makes me
feel bad then he says he was joking but I'll never get that.

There is something I had never even heard of he said kids did for fun where he grew up called Ranking.
They actually say something insulting to each other and it's supposed to be fun.
Like "Oh, I really like your new shirt. Were there more in the dumpster you found it in?"
That's an insult in my book.
I told him if that was commonly done when I was a kid, someone would have ended up with a slap in the face!

 

[Pats]

The man I live with does banter all the time and I take it seriously.
I didn't grow up with banter and didn't get it when he started it all the time with me.
I just feel insulted or put down.
After seven years, he knows I don't get it. We've talked about it and he says he can tell from the way
I look at him I don't get it. So why keep doing it? I feel he gets a kick out of knowing it makes me
feel bad then he says he was joking but I'll never get that.

There is something I had never even heard of he said kids did for fun where he grew up called Ranking.
They actually say something insulting to each other and it's supposed to be fun.
Like "Oh, I really like your new shirt. Were there more in the dumpster you found it in?"
That's an insult in my book.
I told him if that was commonly done when I was a kid, someone would have ended up with a slap in the face!

Your husband - it's a hard habit to break - part of his personality - part of who he is.