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I haven't a clue.

Discussion in 'Love, Relationships and Dating' started by cberg, Sep 12, 2018.

  1. cberg

    cberg probably elsewhere

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    The few women I do know seem to appreciate me from a distance if at all & I don't blame them. Only one even technically knows my identity & I took eight years to tell her. I'm literally made of baggage, not the least of which being that I don't even know if I have an extra chromosome. On top of that my past is an absolute mess & I'm a coder. One of those coders. Neckbeard level 1337. Geekier than nearly everyone you've ever met put together. At least I'm decently fit but broad autism phenotype sure doesn't help with that.

    I am literally made of postmodern red flags. If I were a car I'd be a Chinese limousine. If the industrial chemicals which predetermined my physiology weren't enough I get plenty of plastic fumes from gadgets.

    People find me interesting & presumably, way too intense. I'm just here grasping at straws for better ways to make women more comfortable around my obnoxiously preoccupied brain. Ultimately I just want to show some kind ladies that the realm of hacking is not just for guys, but I need to become more agreeable to make any progress.
     
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  2. AO1501

    AO1501 Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    OK, my wife suggests this: Ambience counts, and don't forget breath mints. Also she mentioned to change your socks from time to time.

    For me, I'd say: Don't be obnoxious, or preoccupied, and perhaps leave your brain in park when you next communicate with the opposite sex.
     
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  3. cberg

    cberg probably elsewhere

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    o_O I only drive manuals. For me park literally & figuratively = reverse but I'll try. Lots of things with Xylitol are going on my shopping list though. I need to buy some nicer clothes but that can wait until I'm not broke, only by then will any aspects of my social life become clear anyway.
     
  4. cberg

    cberg probably elsewhere

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    I really appreciate her point about ambiance. So often I find myself needing to tune everything out that I'm not thinking about the present time & place. I'm working past my limits & then some in order to move somewhere I can actually make hospitable but that's not in the cards yet. I need to make myself more approachable; I'd feel pretty rotten if I let others' sexist presumptions get in the way of sharing what I know.
     
  5. BraidedPony

    BraidedPony Enjoying life and glad to be alive! V.I.P Member

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    I have a thought. When you talk to a woman speak English! I have no idea what you are saying. It could just be a generation, or two, gap.
    If you are a coder, you should have money, right? I think you said you don’t live in a place to entertain. So, that doesn’t make sense because you have a special and valuable skill.
     
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  6. cberg

    cberg probably elsewhere

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    I sure didn't say it made sense. You're right, everyone expects me to be rich but I'm simply not. I've had a number of consulting clients skip their bills & only last month did I get into a job with any chance of long-term employment.

    I'm not really interested in suggestions about money because I never got into tech to get rich. I just do what I'm good at.
     
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2018
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  7. AO1501

    AO1501 Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Let me be clear, my wife is very wise in the ways of taming and coexisting with geeks (and I think her judgement is quite remarkable, but I'm a geek, what do I know?)

    But it isn't a money thing. It's a 'making sense' thing. In order to communicate, it is necessary to speak their language, not just yours. Being rich is not measured by clean socks.
     
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  8. cberg

    cberg probably elsewhere

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    I think I may well spend my last dollar for now on socks.
     
  9. BraidedPony

    BraidedPony Enjoying life and glad to be alive! V.I.P Member

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    In the movie Single White Female, the programmer wrote a self destruct code that would destroy everything if she wasn’t paid.
     
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  10. AO1501

    AO1501 Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Wifey signals 'GO for it!'
     
  11. cberg

    cberg probably elsewhere

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    Oh I've had to sabotage a years' work last November. <rant> Pay your database admins people! </rant>
     
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  12. cberg

    cberg probably elsewhere

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    Definitely black socks.
     
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  13. AO1501

    AO1501 Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Not with shorts. Or sandals. But wifey says you'll know that.
     
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  14. On the Inside

    On the Inside Well-Known Member

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    Hey, I wore (short) black socks with sandals at work today, whats the problem? The sandals are black, also, so white is out.

    Oh, and shorts. A really nice Italian silk shirt though.

    But Im not trying to atttact anyone, especially at my job.
     
  15. cberg

    cberg probably elsewhere

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    I've been overestimated. My city was voted the worst dressed place in the country if you can believe it; I helped. I guess cutoffs & black socks are nixed unless I'm going BMXing, as are my bottle opener flip flops on certain very much unforeseen occasions.
     
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  16. On the Inside

    On the Inside Well-Known Member

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    I'll have to look that up, won't hazzard a guess.

    One thing I know, cut offs are only for yard work and house painting.
     
  17. cberg

    cberg probably elsewhere

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    I haven't had money for many fancier clothes than my house painting ones except what I wear to work. I should also note that I'm a lifelong hippie with a very minimal aesthetic save for t shirts.
     
  18. On the Inside

    On the Inside Well-Known Member

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    Clothing might be over-rated. I met my (ex)wife while wearing a tie died t-shirt, shorts and sandals, so you may not need to upgrade.
     
  19. Alis1998

    Alis1998 Active Member

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    What I always say, be sure to take care of yourself! Like clean clothes, a decent haircut, brushed teeth. (With a decent haircut I mean get your hair cut when it is needed).
    For everyone there is someone that likes that. Maybe try to find yourself someone that likes your intrest as well?
    Also just find yourself to be respectable, that is what everybody wants. It doesnt nessarly mean you have to be the perfect prince charming ofcourse.
    Don't forget that everybody has their downsides and postive things!
    Maybe you are a bit too much insecure ? Like do not get me wrong, everybody is insecure to some level.
     
  20. AloneNotLonely

    AloneNotLonely Well-Known Member

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    What's autistic phenotype?

    Well, you are funny as hell and smart, so you got that going for you. I've posted this many times before... I think... but you need to work on how you look. How you act too, but looking good is the only thing keeping you out of jail when talking to a woman. You won't get better at talking to women without talking to women, so the whole clothes and looks thing is essential.

    Behaviour:
    Be comfortable with distance and rejection. The biggest "creep" signal is guys that are all over a girl. Keep a comfortable distance, like a meter is fine if you don't really know her. And be comfortable taking "No" for an answer, if it's "No" trying harder won't ever turn it into a "Yes". It just turns possible "Yesses" into definite "No's".

    Looks:
    Lose weight. Visible six pack? No? Losing fat will benefit you. Work out to gain some muscle. For both these things a little helps a lot, but there's diminishing returns. Shave properly. The proper haircut thing was already mentioned. Consider replacing glasses with sunglasses in summer and contacts in winter, not essential but many girls dry up when they see glasses.

    Clothes are really important, unfortunately for both quality and looks you are often paying a lot. There's cool pullovers out there for 40 bucks, but you'll sweat like a pig because they're made of man-made fabrics. There's cotton pullovers out there for 40 bucks, but you'll look like grampa that escaped the old folks home. Pullovers that look both good that won't make you sweat are usually the 100-150 buck designer ones. Pants should be jeans, but there's a lot of ugly ones out there even from expensive brands. It's the safest option, though. Get a slim fit (not skinny) that fits well.

    Unfortunately spending a lot of money on expensive clothes is risky if you don't have good taste and realize what's cool and what's grampa mode. Oh right, and shoe's are super important. Sandals ain't getting you anywhere unless you are a total master at rocking that look. I've noticed a huge difference even in 300 buck vs 900 buck shoes. With the same clothes.

    All I can really is say: Don't ever buy expensive black shoes until you know what you are doing. Secondly, stick with blacks, greys, dark blue to be safe with clothes until you have a solid clue. Dark red is relatively safe as well.

    After that it's just to learn how to chill. Don't go out and spend a crap ton of money, I'm a big fan of keeping it cheap but it's very difficult to put together something that's all cheap and looks good. I can barely find stuff that I think is good enough to buy even with my wide price range. Best option you got is to buy during end of season sales. You can easily find 30% off and sometimes 50%.

    It's also important to mention that you are only as strong as your weakest link. Replacing glasses with contacts won't do anything if you are wearing sandals. Buying 300 buck designer shoes won't do anything if you are wearing grampa pants.