I have to be the only adult in my immediate blood family.

[Metalhead]

Let’s face it. My mother loves to have this narrative where I am always victimizing her. Of course, the reality is she thinks she is entitled to violate all of my boundaries, and she also likes baiting me into being frustrated with her so she could turn around and claim she still loves me despite how ungrateful I seemingly am. When I get angry with my mother, I am giving her the reaction she wants out of me so that she can keep on playing the role of the victim. It really is a sick game she is playing, and the only way for me to win is to not play at all.

I am my own parent now.

And I will not let my boundaries be shredded as easily as they always were in the past.

If I show her the slightest sign of discontent with her actions, she will milk that for as many pity points as she possibly can get. I have to not give in any longer.

 

[Misery]

When you post about this, I often wonder why you even bother interacting with them at this point.

Unless there's some reason why you NEED to do it? I know some of us are in some way reliant on family and all.

You've got far more patience for this nonsense than I do, sir. Kudos to you for that.

You're right though, not giving in is a good thing. Whatever the situation is... doing your best to not let their nonsense control you is a good thing.

 

[Metalhead]

When you post about this, I often wonder why you even bother interacting with them at this point.

Unless there's some reason why you NEED to do it? I know some of us are in some way reliant on family and all.

You've got far more patience for this nonsense than I do, sir. Kudos to you for that.

You're right though, not giving in is a good thing. Whatever the situation is... doing your best to not let their nonsense control you is a good thing.

It is all about being an adult and not childishly slamming the door in her face, thereby giving her permanent martyr status that she would wear proudly for the rest of her life.

Plus I also would rather not deal with her stalking methods which she would gladly turn to if I severed ties with her.

The best solution is to not go to her family gatherings, keep a good safe distance but give enough contact so she cannot claim I have abandoned her after all she has done for me, or something like that.

 

[Thinx]

Sounds like you have a very well thought out approach there, to this tricky problem. Narcissism is impossible to deal with through rational discussions with the person. Still it's well worth avoiding her and her ideas, and that includes keeping your mental space as free from her as you can.

Maybe say, oh it's you again, is it? No time for you I'm afraid, get out and stay out! She has no place in your mental space, and you can boot her out of there. That's the crucial solution to the difficulties she represents too.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I have my own issues with my parents and siblings,...different,...but still a form of emotional manipulation and dysfunction. My mother, for example,...I know,...as a logically-thinking adult in my 50's, her approval no longer makes much sense,...but it does, for any number of reasons. At an emotional level, I think there is a small child within us that still needs some parental acceptance,...again, it doesn't make logical sense. After two years of my diagnosis, which I told myself repeatedly I wasn't going to tell my mother,...I did in a long, 6-page letter this past week. Keep in mind, I had drifted apart from the family for a handful of reasons,...but I wanted to let her know all the reasons why. So far,...no response from her. As I am writing this,...I feel better,...I got off my chest what needed to be said,...I don't have to carry this around with me anymore.

It would be easy for me to say to just turn off the "emotion switch" in your head and be a logical thinker when it comes to your family,...but I know there is a lot of emotional baggage that needs to be overcome. I am in my 50's and remember incidents when I was 1, 2, 3 years of age,...a bit of photographic memory,...which drives everyone a bit nuts when I can quote people from 40+ years ago. Really? Why is that shaping my relationship with my family now? I really have to concentrate to eliminate the emotional content from my memories,...step back,...analyze,...take in perspective and context,...it's a process. It's not easy. This is not something I can do "on the fly" and react in the moment when dealing with emotional manipulation, gaslighting, and other forms of social dysfunction,...I tend to be more impulsive,...which is never good.

So, it may be with your family, as well. As much as your mother's behavior can be a "trigger" for you,...I would suggest,...before interacting with her again, to try to understand the behavior and what she gets out of it. Step back and play the role of the psychologist. It sounds like an emotional trap she sets for you that for some reason, she gets some sort of dopamine hit from. It's horrible, I am sure. No need to engage her about it,...just know when and how to sidestep the emotional trigger. Once she learns that she can't "push your button" anymore, she will move on to something else, I am sure. It sounds like you've already figured this out,...so good for you.

 

[Thinx]

Ultimately, as adults, we can look after the child within us ourselves now. We really don't need our actual parent to do that for us any more, we just need to work on parenting ourselves. Staying locked in a dynamic where we keep on trying to get parenting we needed from a parent who was inadequate or abusive will never achieve what we can do for ourselves as adults. We have the power to look after and parent ourselves.

 

[Au Naturel]

Why do you care what she claims?

 

[Metalhead]

Why do you care what she claims?

Because she has proven repeatedly in the past that she is not above pestering my doctors, my places of employment and my friends. Because my mother has proven repeatedly in the past that she will gladly violate every imaginable boundary in my life if I do not keep her content. She has the potential to be a creepy psycho stalker.

 

[Metalhead]

My sponsor is right when he is telling me I am acting like a stupid kid every time I get angry with my mother. My mother relies on me being angry with her. My mother loves nailing herself on the cross and pretending to be the martyr every time I get upset with the way she always violates my boundaries. It sucks, but she is a narcissistic sociopath and I am stuck having her as a maternal figure.

And then there is my sister, who always claims that mom and our stepfather always kicked our asses, but only when we deserved it. And she sees no connection between that and her string of relationships with men who outright beat her.

There is no salvation within my toxic immediate family.

I want to win the lottery, change my face and name, move to the other side of the country.

 

[Metalhead]

It just occurred to me that the only times in my life when my mother really pretended to express concern for my well being where the times when I was not caving in to all of her demands. Mom is expressed she was worried I was hooking up with serial killers when I refused to give her the phone numbers to all of my sexual partners. Mom was worried I was throwing my life away and putting myself in grave danger when I left a job I was being bullied at to try my luck in another part of the country - then she was smug and arrogant and when that did not work out even though I was facing a ton of extremely homophobic bullying at the job she insisted I should stay at. Mom harassed my mental health doctors when they were telling me to make changes in my life she did not approve of. She now claims she almost lost her job over restraining orders from my doctors because she truly loves me. She wears that like a badge of honor.

I am spending the holidays alone in my house with only my laptop as my companion. Merry Christmas.

 

[BrokenBoy]

Lol, your mom needs to get laid. Maybe then she'll have something better to do than try to ruin your life.

 

[Thinx]

The point is, however grim she is, you need to detach. Railing on about her is just another way of staying attached. Get mommy dearest out of your head. If you don't choose to face that and do it, you are maintaining her significance. She's like one more addictive substance I guess. Let her go.

 

[Metalhead]

My mother thrives when I hate her. My mother loves being a martyr and pretending she is my victim. The only way to win her truly sick and perverse games is to not play them to begin with.

I mean, seriously, she claimed she was worried I was hooking up with serial killers when I told her I was not going to give her the phone numbers of my sexual partners so she could call them and size them up. And then she demands to know what specific sexual acts I engage with these guys while claiming she is demanding this knowledge because she loves me. There is no redemption for her.

 

[Aspychata]

You are the most normal one in your house.

I try to suggest that you anticipate that she stalks you because she is controlling. You then anticipate that you feed the animal at the zoo when you act like them. I left my family years ago because everything was my fault.

Now my mom is in the call me back, nope discard me. True narcissism behaviour. Right now my boyfriend and l are on the poop list because we chose not to use my sister-in-law as a realtor in our new place we wish to buy. I chose not to use her because she has the same tendencies as my mom and l don't trust her.

 

[Suzette]

Hello @KagamineLen, I can relate to your frustration! And you are so right, you ARE the parent now.

Your approach to distance yourself from your mother is the right way to go. She clearly thinks not of you at all.

I have my own struggles with my mom and it has taken me decades to be able to let her be who she is without that undermining my own sense of self worth.

One thing I have noticed with my own mom is that the less emotional I am about protecting my boundaries, the firmer I am in my responses, the more she backs off.
Don't get me wrong, she still tries rediculous sighs and even stalks off to her room, but she can't dig where I don't let her.

My mom though does not play the martyr. She simply has an awful sense of self entiltement. Your job is much harder than mine ever was!

I recommend you watch YouTube videos by Patrick Teahan. He has some great role play videos. He gives you specific actions you can take instead of just discussion and explainations. Watch even the videos you think don't apply because you might get some great insights you didn't know you needed.

Here is one video as a starter

P.s. when I was 30 I got a partial upper denture. At 30 no one wants others to know they have dentures. Just days after was Thanksgiving and I was invited to my mothers boyfriends house. He had also invited neighbors whom I had never met.
In the middle if dinner my mother decides to talk about my dentures and insist that I show them to these strangers because "I am not humiliating you. My goodness you are so mellodramatic! I just want everyone to see what lovely work your dentist did! Don't make a scene dear. Just show everyone!"

One of many lovely adventures with my mom!

I do feel for you!

 

[Aspychata]

Emba

Hello @KagamineLen, I can relate to your frustration! And you are so right, you ARE the parent now.

Your approach to distance yourself from your mother is the right way to go. She clearly thinks not of you at all.

I have my own struggles with my mom and it has taken me decades to be able to let her be who she is without that undermining my own sense of self worth.

One thing I have noticed with my own mom is that the less emotional I am about protecting my boundaries, the firmer I am in my responses, the more she backs off.
Don't get me wrong, she still tries rediculous sighs and even stalks off to her room, but she can't dig where I don't let her.

My mom though does not play the martyr. She simply has an awful sense of self entiltement. Your job is much harder than mine ever was!

I recommend you watch YouTube videos by Patrick Teahan. He has some great role play videos. He gives you specific actions you can take instead of just discussion and explainations. Watch even the videos you think don't apply because you might get some great insights you didn't know you needed.

Here is one video as a starter

P.s. when I was 30 I got a partial upper denture. At 30 no one wants others to know they have dentures. Just days after was Thanksgiving and I was invited to my mothers boyfriends house. He had also invited neighbors whom I had never met.
In the middle if dinner my mother decides to talk about my dentures and insist that I show them to these strangers because "I am not humiliating you. My goodness you are so mellodramatic! I just want everyone to see what lovely work your dentist did! Don't make a scene dear. Just show everyone!"

One of many lovely adventures with my mom!

I do feel for you!

Embarrassing. Omg. Mom- are you wearing depends diapers - how well do those work? It's amazing how many of us have totally insensitive moms here at this forum.

 

[BrokenBoy]

@KagamineLen

I recommend getting your mom some addictive drugs and trying to get her hooked. She'll won't (pretend to) care about you anymore if she becomes hooked. Maybe she'll just harass some dealer instead? That would be funny.

 

[Aspychata]

I think her harassing her adult son is her high. She has done it so long that she knows nothing else.

But l definitely would be feeding her magic brownies.

 

[Metalhead]

I think I am going to play Billy Joel’s My Life on loop the next time either of my parents decide to visit my house.

 

[Metalhead]

Heh, new year, time to live for myself for a change. All of the changes that I wanted to implement in my life before, I am about to make in my life now.

I want to eat a healthy diet. I want to visit the gym several times a week. I want to start writing movie and game reviews again. I want to be a PT student. I want to learn to cook complex ethnic meals that will take all day to get the right results. I basically want to do all of these things that my mother has actively used guilt and shame to keep me from doing for so long.

Now there is no alcohol in my system, which is a great start.