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I have to be somewhere

Discussion in 'General Autism Discussion' started by SimonSays, Apr 12, 2021.

  1. SimonSays

    SimonSays A work in progress V.I.P Member

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    I realise that somewhere is exactly where I am. I always knew I had to be here, and I am. I would have even stayed where I was before, but it wasn't somewhere I could stay. But I would have stayed if I could have.

    So where I am, while not ideal, is somewhere I can be. I have what I need. I have access to the Internet. I have my laptop and my phone. I have books to read. I have everything I need to be here, and every time I think, well, this can't be all there is, I ought to find somewhere better than this. I should maybe look for a van, or a better room in a better area. I need, I need, I need, and every attempt I make, believing that it is going to change, doesn't for one reason or another and eventually I have to accept it.

    When I do, I come back to a state of accepting things as they are. I'm no longer trying to change. I'm just accepting what is happening, making the best of it, because when I feel myself accepting things, I live in the here and now and this is my ‘somewhere’. I then do whatever I want in my little, simple world, so that there is only simplicity and freedom. It might not appear like freedom to somebody else, they might feel very restricted in such a small space, what with no car or friends. And I keep mostly to myself, writing, sharing things with people I've never met, but basically each day is very much like the day before; routine and rhythm ensures I maintain my way of being as simple as it can be.

    I'm not cut off from the world, even though I choose not to know what's going on; I don't watch the news, or allow myself to be informed at every moment about everything that is apparently happening. I would prefer even less input, but I know that some things must make their way to me, just because there are some things that I do need to know.

    But in the meantime, if I can accept this moment, as if it is all there is, which is true, there is nothing but this moment, and the more I can truly be in it, the more peaceful it feels for me. And that's good for me, because being at peace is what matters to me more than anything; my state of being is far more important than my circumstances.

    If I keep wanting to change my circumstances in order to feel better about myself, I might continuously change my circumstances but will never find that ‘feel better about myself’ feeling. When the present is the place I feel good about myself in, my needs are met, maybe not the needs of most people, but my needs are met, in fact I feel like more than my needs are met and I am actually abundant. I make the best of what I have, adapt and improvise. I am a commando!

    Even though I live in a small room in a shared house, I keep everything very organised. I don't have many things, so it's easy for me to put everything away, only having out what I'm actually using.

    If I can truly accept this moment. Stop looking for something else, that doesn't mean there won't be something else, it just means I don't need to look for it.

    I fluctuate between wanting to be in the world and wanting to be nowhere near the world, and yet I enjoy walking around. I'm not looking for seclusion or isolation, or to become a recluse. I sometimes walk up and down the shopping area slowly, noticing other people going about their business, living their life. I'm not in the world they are. I don't know them. I have no idea what they're doing. It just feels like they're not doing what I am. I don't have to always go into nature to feel peace within me. It's not dependent on what's happening outside me.

    Some say that what's outside me is a reflection of what's inside me, and so when I find myself challenged by external circumstances, I internalise the experience to see how I might do it differently, to bring towards me things that reveal I am different. Just because the circumstances haven't changed yet doesn't mean I haven't changed.

    And that seems to be what matters. That seems to be what's going on here.

    For the circumstances of life to have occurred, synchronistically, randomly, in this moment; for this interaction, this encounter, this meeting, this opportunity, and then for me to walk on by because I don't recognise it, not until afterwards, which has been true for me. I haven't always understood what's happening, haven't always responded appropriately until afterwards. Then I realise what it was, how I felt, and this is what I should have done, this is how I would do it if I was in that moment again right now. But the moment has gone. I understand what took place. I have to always be ready to go with the flow without getting in the way, which is what happens when I'm not at peace.

    Acceptance of this moment as all there is. All there needs to be.

    My life has been so different over my 57 years; many changes, many unexpected things, many people, many circumstances. There's no reason to assume that's not still happening. But if I'm always in the future wondering how I can make this moment better than it is, I live in a world where I'm always trying to make this world better than it is. I need this moment to be good enough, what needs to be. I want to be able to see in it everything that needs to be seen. For me, the truth of life is in this moment. I want to see that, and in order to see that, to know that, I have to be present in order to recognise it, otherwise I'm always searching for something I won't find anywhere else, because it's already here.
     
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  2. Aspychata

    Aspychata Serenity waves, beachy vibes

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    My world has changed again based on an email. Based on my need that l have to change because what l have is not working out. People change, l changed. l believe my ex has matured. l am looking for change and going back to him. Because life is not getting any better where l am. Already l am happier.
     
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  3. SimonSays

    SimonSays A work in progress V.I.P Member

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    Wow. That is good. Good luck to you and I hope it works out.
     
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  4. Thinx

    Thinx Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    @Aspychata Because of what you have said about the ex, I don't feel convinced that the content of an email would be enough to give evidence of sufficient change. Is this idea coming out of your depressed state? I feel concerned for you.
     
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  5. Aspychata

    Aspychata Serenity waves, beachy vibes

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    Thanks @Thinx for your response. It was actually an email from somebody else. They stated they could never get serious, and l thought there would be help with a referral to a safe place then if you don't wish to commit. Help me in a different way so that l feel good about us. For some reason, this need of mine is totally downplayed.☹
     
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  6. unperson

    unperson Well-Known Member V.I.P Member It's My Birthday!

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    From the sound of your neighbour in that share house, you do need to think about moving, it's just a big hassle, I mean you got the devils you know there or a load of new devils somewhere else.
     
  7. Thinx

    Thinx Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I see. But this person's inability or unwillingness to commit is separate from the behaviours of the ex, which has been characterised by narcissistic denial and by very poor treatment of you, from what you have said? What makes you think that's changed? What convincing evidence is there? Has he done therapy?

    I am sorry you are disappointed in the other guy, but surely neither of these men is responsible for you or your wellbeing, you can still do your best for you, and be your own best friend, which probably means riding out this difficult time until you can make a calmer decision about what to do about where to live.

    I m sorry things are tough. But I believe you have all you need in yourself to find a way through.
     
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  8. Gift2humanity

    Gift2humanity Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I like this.

     
  9. SimonSays

    SimonSays A work in progress V.I.P Member

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    slightly-smiling-face_1f642.png
     
  10. Aspychata

    Aspychata Serenity waves, beachy vibes

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    But sometimes the nicer guy says things about my mental health, and l say try living thru what l do then get back to me. Because most people wouldnt have survived my life, not even 1/3 of my life.
     
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  11. SimonSays

    SimonSays A work in progress V.I.P Member

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    So the thing about being somewhere, rather than where I might actually like to be, is that I have to first accept that I am where I am and it's okay to be here. Once I have, then I can technically be somewhere else. Because I'm not running away from what I've decided isn't right, I'm moving towards what is. If I reach a state of acceptance, and I feel like I'm close, then I will be ready to be somewhere else. Then being somewhere else will be a much better somewhere to be.

    I understand I have been tested. I cannot simply try to escape. But testing is only necessary until learning has taken place. I may have had to redo a few terms or even a few years, but once I'm caught up I won't have to experience things the same way. I will have actually changed and so finally, so will my circumstances.