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Featured I have anxiety over being left alone in a foreign county and parents are unsympathetic.

Discussion in 'General Autism Discussion' started by Frostee, Sep 17, 2019.

  1. Frostee

    Frostee Well-Known Member

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    So, i’m currently in a Southern Europe with my family. My cousin is getting married, my parents were invited to the wedding I was not.

    Obviously my family will be out all day and probably into the early hours of the next day. If I could just explain my issue:

    I have got a lot of anxiety over this day. I don’t have a car or any transport, my parents are taking the car for the day.

    I do not speak the language here. I am staying in an apartment that is in a secure area but there is no security personal stationed here.

    The area that i’m in is a sort of town but there’s not a substantial amount of things to do here. You need a car to get about or to get to other towns.

    I’m quite anxious about staying here on my own, primarily due to a lack of things to do but also weariness over my safety, particularly with the language barrier and lack of familiarity with the area.

    I’m not quite sure what I should do here, other than walk about a bit or sit inside all day. I was thinking of talking the train to a major city but I need lifted and taken to the train station and then i’ve got the issue where the last train is 7pm, arriving at 9 meaning my parents wouldn’t be available to lift me? The language barrier might be an issue, what if I got to this city and the trains where cancelled or a change wasn’t clearly communicated?

    I did suggest taking a midnight flight back from this city to this area, but got a disapproving look from my mother. Is this a crazy idea?
     
    Last edited: Sep 17, 2019
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  2. Rectify

    Rectify Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Anxiety over not having something to do? I find that hard to relate to. However I can understand about being in a place you don't know, language etc. Correct me if I'm wrong but it's a day and possibly part of the night... Could you read? Do you have a laptop? Is there TV with any shows that you can understand. You could get paper and write or draw. You could get coloured pencils even. I'm finding it hard to understand why you couldn't amuse yourself for one day...And why if you are anxious that you would 'want' to have a car and go driving in a foreign country. Maybe my anxiety is really different to yours.
     
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  3. Frostee

    Frostee Well-Known Member

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    If I had a car I could escape from danger and also use it to tour about until my parents were back in the apartment.
     
  4. Rectify

    Rectify Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Okay, yeah, I think we are just really different :) I would much prefer to wait and keep busy at home if I had anxiety about getting out and about. I hope you find a good solution @Frostee
     
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  5. Aspychata

    Aspychata My Art Work

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    Understand. l was in a country that the laguage barrier was hard. I rode a bike in the snow to the high school. l did take the train to Helsinki,but coming back, l spaced and forgot how to pronounce the town l lived in. I did panic, then l just started asking people. That time, Europe was friendly. l could always find help. But when l went to the grocery stores, the clerks would hide because they knew l would start asking them questions in English about food. They do now have pocket translator that u say your question, then a voice translates it in a tiny microprocessor. This might be something that may give you some freedom. Find a nearby museum, or tutor English at some school. l was lucky that the high school gave me rooms of students to go talk to about American life. l also went swimming at the public pool and had piano classes. Biked everywhere. Had only a little pocket money supplied by my *family* l forgot to ask, is this just a short vacation? I was staying a year. Big difference, but get out, see if you can borrow a bike. It's impressive that you want to get out!!
     
    Last edited: Sep 18, 2019
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  6. anxiety247

    anxiety247 Active Member

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    I would suggest just finding something to do online. Read a book, watch some movies, play games, do puzzles, draw, clean, anything to keep you occupied until they come back.
     
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  7. Fino

    Fino Alex V.I.P Member

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    I would have way too much anxiety to go anywhere alone in a foreign country, not even close, no way. Like others said, I'd stay inside all day, watch a movie, read, and other such stuff. Sounds kinda nice! I guess that's basically just my life when I'm not working. :eek::D
     
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  8. Rectify

    Rectify Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Doesn't it?! I'd be so happy for that. But I guess the poster is more 'out' going than we are :p
     
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  9. Progster

    Progster Gone sideways to the sun V.I.P Member

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    I can relate to this. I get bored easily too, and get 'cabin fever' if I have to stay in one place for a long time. I need to get out of the house to walk once a day, even if it's just to the supermarket. I think I make have ADHD.

    Whenever I have to stay anywhere alone, I always make sure I have plenty to do, and I see to this before I leave. Some movies/TV shows, books, games (if that's what you like), etc.

    But it's not just about not having any thing to do. It's about a stressing change of routine or situation. Frostee is used to being with his parents/relying on his parents, suddenly they are not there because they are doing their own thing, and Frostee is left alone in an unfamiliar environment and doesn't know what he's going to do with himself. Perhaps also some resentment at not having been invited to the wedding/feeling left out? Perhaps he could cope with this at home, but factor in the being abroad, it's difficult. But it's just something that needs to be got through - it's just one day and it will pass.

    I would stay in the room and do stuff online, and then go out for a walk some time during the day. It's just one day, the time will pass.
     
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  10. Frostee

    Frostee Well-Known Member

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    This post articulates my situation very well. I love travelling and leaving the house, my parents rant and rave at me (they think i’m delusional). But it is my passion and something I love doing. I am always planning holidays and looking forward to them. I do get restless if I have to stay in the house, at home I am always out visiting somewhere, everyday.

    I think a city break, or a suburban area with a lot going on is the best sort of holiday for me, for example, in America a comparable place might be Palm Beach County (visited and really enjoyed) or Washington DC metro.

    I do feel resentful yes. In a way I know it’s about numbers, but then I feel a little hurt knowing that she is aware of my condition and that i’ll be here on my own. I sit and think, “why can’t she just invite me, i’ll be on my own in a foreign country and i’m just ONE extra person?”.

    She has invited me to a few extra events, bbq’s etc and I am not going. As far as I am concerned, if I am not good enough to go to the wedding why should I bother going to these events, feeling awkward? I do in a way feel guilty for doing this and think maybe it’s a bit petty, but at the same time i’m a bit hurt wondering how she could be so short sighted?

    I guess you are right maybe I should just stay here. It’s just a pity I wasn’t in a large city and I could tour about. Still thinking about Lisbon though.

    Very interesting that we have similar experiences though. You have articulated this well.. I have always struggled to express to my parents why exactly I have to leave the house everyday (sounds like such a pain but I really do hate sitting in the house all day)
     
    Last edited: Sep 18, 2019
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  11. Progster

    Progster Gone sideways to the sun V.I.P Member

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    It very much reminds me of something that happened to me that affected me very badly at the time, again concering a wedding - my sister's wedding and her seating arrangements. Bare in mind that I hadn't been diagnosed at the time.

    My sister put my parents with them on one table, and me on a separate table with strangers. I thought it was the worst possible thing that they could do at the time and really resented it - I was convinced that she had done it on purpose because we never got on. I have great difficulty talking to strangers and making conversation, so basically I just sat there on my own all the time. I hated it. Yes, it's all about numbers and tradition, but it wouldn't have hurt them to make an extra space for me on their table so I wouldn't have to sit with strangers. When the time came around to my own wedding, I made damn well sure that my family were seated in a place that was comfortable for them to sit at, and that nobody would be be seated alone. I didn't care about numbers of tradtiton or what people would think.

    There was another occasion when I felt in a similar way... my parents had taken me on holiday around the time of my birthday. It was meant to be a birthday treat. I was about 14. My parents had decided to combine business they had down South with this holiday. We were invited to their business associate's house to stay the night and my parents would discuss business.

    I was told that I couldn't stay at the table with my parents to eat. I would have to eat and then leave, go to my room for the rest of the evening. This is a social business convention, that family and business are to be kept separate, but I didn't understand this. I felt that I was being ejected from the table and sent off on my own, in a strange house, with nothing to do, not even TV to watch. I was rejected by my peers at school, not invited/included in their socialising, and now my parents were doing the same? I couldn't understand, so if this was after all a business trip, then why even invited me, if I wasn't wanted? Because that's how I perceived it, even if it wasn't meant that way. Or if it's business, why couldn't they go to an office to discuss business, why does it have to be discussed at the dinner table?? It happened at home, too, my parents would invite their friends or business acquaintances for dinner, and I was not allowed to eat with them and told to go to my room. It felt like a rejection, a punishment, and I resented it deeply at the time.

    I had a lot of social and emotional difficulties up to the age of about 30, then things started to get better... or I didn't care so much any more about being rejected, or having friends, and I became more emotionally mature and more able to cope with my own emotions, though not necessarily more able to understand and accept such things.
     
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  12. Progster

    Progster Gone sideways to the sun V.I.P Member

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    I used to go places too - seeking novelty and stimulation of some sort, getting bored and restless easily, wanting to go out and see things... but mostly on my own, I still had the social difficulties that come with having Asperger's. I think that this is an ADHD trait - I'm not diagnosed with ADHD but have a lot of the traits. Not too keen on busy touristy places or big cities, though. Are you diagnosed with ADHD?

    Whenever we out socialising, I would not be able to join in the conversation and very quickly got bored and after about an hour would want to get up and go away and do something else - go for a walk, go and window shop along the street or something. Sitting down and talking was never my thing.

    Are you near a beach? A walk along the seafront or beach can be very pleasant and provide a distraction/change of scenery. Or go to Lisbon if you are able - I've heard that this is supposed to be a beautiful and interesting city. Sounds like a good plan, if it's not too far away.
     
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  13. NothingToSeeHere

    NothingToSeeHere Asexuowl V.I.P Member

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    That's what I would do. Read, go for a walk, then watch a film and read some more. Sounds like a really lovely day. That's actually exactly what I'm planning to do when I go on holiday next, except that some of the reading will be done on the beach.
     
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  14. Fino

    Fino Alex V.I.P Member

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    I suggest avoiding thoughts like these, because it's not about being "good enough," it has nothing to do with your self-worth. An accumulation of false conclusions like that can be very damaging. Try not to let your self-worth hinge on things like party invitations.
     
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  15. onlything

    onlything Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Do you have data on your phone? Can you use GPS? Do you think people in shops can speak English? You could tour the city on foot in the closest vicinity to your hotel while listening to music, then come back, read something, watch something else, buy some snacks if possible? Keep yourself busy, don't think too much. It's going to be alright, you'll see.

    Don't put yourself down too much about the wedding, just focus on yourself. Their loss if they didn't invite you.
     
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  16. GadAbout

    GadAbout Well-Known Member

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    The range of things you have anxiety about is quite broad. Have you ever considered working with a mental health professional, not on autism issues per se, but on anxiety? You might benefit from judicious use of an anxiolytic, as well as behavioral therapy aimed at confronting and overcoming your fears. The anxiolytic drug could be prescribed by your GP or a psychiatrist. If you have reservations about using medication, discuss them with the doctor; they will probably be reassured that you are not just drug-seeking.
     
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  17. Frostee

    Frostee Well-Known Member

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    My cousins parents invited me to the wedding, so now i’ll have to think about that.

    She didn’t invite me initially, nor did she ask me herself, so i’m not sure. That might be a little awkward.
     
    Last edited: Sep 19, 2019
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  18. Frostee

    Frostee Well-Known Member

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    The brain is quite a strong thing. I have taken drugs for Depression and it does nothing for me. I’m not convinced it would do anything.

    I am a very anxious and alert person. I don’t know why. I’m always on high alert and wary of danger. Maybe it’s because my mum is like that?
     
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  19. Fino

    Fino Alex V.I.P Member

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    Your response to one or two anti-depressants isn't enough information or even relevant to your potential response to anxiety medication.

    Hyper-vigilance is a part of generalized anxiety disorder, among many other things.

    Genetics are a factor, yes, as well as your exposure to her behavior throughout your life, among other things.

    Anxiety medication and/or therapy could help immensely with your socializing difficulties, which I say from personal experience. Treating my anxiety has made my life indescribably better.
     
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  20. NothingToSeeHere

    NothingToSeeHere Asexuowl V.I.P Member

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    Emphatically seconded, anti-anxiety medication and therapy completely changed my life, I only wish I had reached out to my GP about it sooner. My life is 1000x better now than it would be if I hadn't sought out treatment.
     
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