I hate having aspergers and I hate not being able to cope with it even more

[Cinco]

So this might be a bit of a rant/vent post but I have to get it off my chest.
Also, I should probably add that this isn't directed at anyone but me and how I feel just so nobody mistakenly takes offense.

I hate having aspergers. I hate everything about it, everything from not being able to have a simple conversation with another human being, to not being able to follow a simple routine.
I hate not being able to have a normal job, make friends and enjoy spending time with them, not being able to look the cashier in the eyes and say "Hello, how are you?" instead of just standing there silent as I stare at the card reader and punch in my code before awkwardly walking away. I hate not being comfortable with intimacy to the point of being unable to give my family members a proper hug or even hold someones hand.

What I hate even more is that I seem to be completely unable to "accept" it. Why can't I just accept that this is who I am and how I am? Why do I feel so trapped? Why do I feel like it's not suppose to be like this? Everything feels so wrong, I know it's wrong and I want to change it but I can't. No matter what I try or how hard I try nothing ever changes.
Then when I feel hopeless I start think that I might not actually have aspergers. Maybe I'm just lazy, maybe I'm just dumb, maybe I'm just stubborn? Maybe there is something else wrong with me? But it's so severe that I can't get out of it. Sometime I even start blaming other people for the way I am which is just completely wrong.

I frequently think about all the "problems" this has caused and all the problems it might cause for me in the future. Sometimes I think about all the stuff I missed out on in my "younger" years (I'm still young ). Everyone was doing fun stuff, partying, making friends, going on trips, dating etc. but I didn't, I had the chance but I just didn't do it, I wanted to and I still want to but it doesn't happen because I know I don't like it or enjoy it, but I want to like it and enjoy it!
I mean, I can still do all those things but it seemed so much simpler back then.
Its so hard to explain, I have the need to enjoy normal things but I don't.
I see my peer and they all have proper educations, jobs, friends and some have even started families on their own. I know you're not suppose to compare yourself to other but it's hard not to when the difference is as big as it is.

I go to therapy once every other week, talking about things is nice but I can't seem to get my true feelings about things out. I can't talk to people, explain and make them understand what I mean and how I feel and it drives me up the wall.


I just wish I was a little bit more normal

 

[Pats]

The grass is always greener on the other side. People make things look fun, they make things look so easy. But if it's not for you, you're not going to enjoy it no matter how hard you try to convince yourself you will.

 

[Mattymatt]

So this might be a bit of a rant/vent post but I have to get it off my chest.
Also, I should probably add that this isn't directed at anyone but me and how I feel just so nobody mistakenly takes offense.

I hate having aspergers. I hate everything about it, everything from not being able to have a simple conversation with another human being, to not being able to follow a simple routine.
I hate not being able to have a normal job, make friends and enjoy spending time with them, not being able to look the cashier in the eyes and say "Hello, how are you?" instead of just standing there silent as I stare at the card reader and punch in my code before awkwardly walking away. I hate not being comfortable with intimacy to the point of being unable to give my family members a proper hug or even hold someones hand.

What I hate even more is that I seem to be completely unable to "accept" it. Why can't I just accept that this is who I am and how I am? Why do I feel so trapped? Why do I feel like it's not suppose to be like this? Everything feels so wrong, I know it's wrong and I want to change it but I can't. No matter what I try or how hard I try nothing ever changes.
Then when I feel hopeless I start think that I might not actually have aspergers. Maybe I'm just lazy, maybe I'm just dumb, maybe I'm just stubborn? Maybe there is something else wrong with me? But it's so severe that I can't get out of it. Sometime I even start blaming other people for the way I am which is just completely wrong.

I frequently think about all the "problems" this has caused and all the problems it might cause for me in the future. Sometimes I think about all the stuff I missed out on in my "younger" years (I'm still young ). Everyone was doing fun stuff, partying, making friends, going on trips, dating etc. but I didn't, I had the chance but I just didn't do it, I wanted to and I still want to but it doesn't happen because I know I don't like it or enjoy it, but I want to like it and enjoy it!
I mean, I can still do all those things but it seemed so much simpler back then.
Its so hard to explain, I have the need to enjoy normal things but I don't.
I see my peer and they all have proper educations, jobs, friends and some have even started families on their own. I know you're not suppose to compare yourself to other but it's hard not to when the difference is as big as it is.

I go to therapy once every other week, talking about things is nice but I can't seem to get my true feelings about things out. I can't talk to people, explain and make them understand what I mean and how I feel and it drives me up the wall.


I just wish I was a little bit more normal

I am sorry that you're having a rough time but I can reassure you that you're not alone. Our disability makes functioning very difficult, especially in light that we live in a world that is not geared toward us at all. What I can encourage you to do is to keep going to therapy. Progress in therapy rarely happens overnight but keep going because you will eventually develop insight to help you function better. It just takes time. I am 41 and have been going to therapy for many years and I find that breakthroughs happen in fits and spurts. Sometimes when you least expect it, you'll have a moment of enlightenment; an "a ha" moment if you will. For now, you are who you are and do not apologize to anyone for it. If looking someone in the eye makes you uncomfortable, don't do it. If physical intimacy causes you discomfort, don't do it.

Forcing yourself to continuously put yourself in situations that could cause you to meltdown will hinder progress in therapy. Eventually, you will come to understand what you do not at present. I can state this with some certainty because I overcame some significant deficits to get where I am today. If I can do it, I believe you can as well. Again, it is time, patience, and acceptance.

 

[Sir Stig]

Keep getting older. It helps.

 

[Autistamatic]

You are what you are and you will develop as a person in time. I'm more than twice your age and I'm a very different man to who I was then.
You're not missing anything by not being "like everyone else" since you've already identified those things as something you don't want in life. Work with your therapist and try to work out what you DO want to achieve, for you and you alone, not what's expected of you or what you see other people doing. You may see AS as a curse now, but in 10, 20, 30 years you may not.
I hope you manage to come to terms with it

 

[Fino]

You could print this out and show your therapist or write down what you want to tell him/her. I also felt unable to express what I really wanted to in therapy and often wrote it down ahead of time instead. Therapy is all about feeling comfortable then gradually feeling uncomfortable until you're comfortable and so on and so on, inch by inch.

How long have you been in therapy? Are you not able to go every week instead of every other week? Two weeks is so long, in my opinion.

 

[Progster]

Keep getting older. It helps.

This. Things do get easier as you get older.

Also, people, regardless whether on the spectrum or not, are not always having a good time, might feel trapped, don't always find interaction and relationships easy; it might appear to be this way, but underneath, inwardly people often have many difficulties, challenges and hurdles to overcome which they manage to smooth over and not show outwardly. It's life. But things do get easier as you gain experience and learn to cope better.

 

[Monachopia]

In all honesty, your post could have easily been written by me. I see so much there, all the feelings of wanting to be like everyone else, knowing what is missing, but unable to fake it or create it internally. Seems that's the curse of AS, we know and can see, but can't get there.

I know it's hard for you, I think it's pain we've all gone through. The positive is that you know your diagnosis and can come to terms with it. I'm about 10 years older than you, but only got the diagnosis this year. I had years of thinking there's something flawed and broken in me without knowing why, I really wish I knew sooner.

Remember, it's ok to be different. As you get older people do become more accepting and sympathetic to others' struggles. You also will start to care less what others think and make your own way, whatever it may be. I used to think the same as you, that nothing will ever change, overthinking everything, but with every year, you will learn how to cope better. Things will sink into place. I know it seems so far away and impossible. But, take it one day at a time. You'll get there.

 

[xDominiel]

I wanted to be normal once too. Then I realized I kinda despise a lot of what "normal" means.
It's not a bad thing to be different. In fact it can be a blessing. Once you manage to give up the desire to be like everybody else, maybe you'll find you can be pretty okay with how you actually are. You just have to find a way to make it work in this world that is, as Matt correctly states, not geared towards us at all.
It's difficult, but possible.

 

[Mr Allen]

I wanted to be normal once too. Then I realized I kinda despise a lot of what "normal" means.
It's not a bad thing to be different. In fact it can be a blessing. Once you manage to give up the desire to be like everybody else, maybe you'll find you can be pretty okay with how you actually are. You just have to find a way to make it work in this world that is, as Matt correctly states, not geared towards us at all.
It's difficult, but possible.

I hate this, define "normal"?! Someone who works 60 hours a week just to break even on the Mortgage, Bills etc?

Contrary to the opinion of the Daily Fail/Telegraph, people who don't work are NOT all workshy slaves to the benefit system, it's not our fault we can't get a job, blame the government, I certainly do.

 

[Bronzelincolns]

Everyone was doing fun stuff, partying, making friends, going on trips, dating etc. but I didn't, I had the chance but I just didn't do it, I wanted to and I still want to but it doesn't happen because I know I don't like it or enjoy it, but I want to like it and enjoy it!

so are you saying that you actually DO like these things but don't have the ability to partake in them because of ASD?

 

[Autistamatic]

Maya Angelou once wrote "If you are always trying to be normal, you will never know how amazing you can be.”

@Mr Allen not everybody thinks the disabled are workshy, in fact whilst it's an opinion that gets a lot of coverage, and is exacerbated by sensationalist TV about "benefit scroungers" it's just a loud minority who think that.
Everyone on this forum knows that you, for example, are trying very hard to get work and have hit no end of barriers. It's part government, part lack of understanding, part societal attitudes, but it's very real and we all know it. Plenty of people are in the same boat and you'd be surprised how many people are aware of it and want to see real change as much as you do.
We're on the same side

 

[xDominiel]

I hate this, define "normal"?! Someone who works 60 hours a week just to break even on the Mortgage, Bills etc?

I view "normal" as just going with the flow of society and rarely in a more interesting direction.
It's a bland stereotype no one really fits into, but it's still looked down upon if you very clearly don't.
Depending on where you live, there is a lot that is just expected with no real reasoning behind it.
Some are almost universal, like the expectations of a social life, dating and work.
Even when, for some of us, that's just not needed or even possible at all.

 

[Pats]

Maya Angelou once wrote "If you are always trying to be normal, you will never know how amazing you can be.”

@Mr Allen not everybody thinks the disabled are workshy, in fact whilst it's an opinion that gets a lot of coverage, and is exacerbated by sensationalist TV about "benefit scroungers" it's just a loud minority who think that.
Everyone on this forum knows that you, for example, are trying very hard to get work and have hit no end of barriers. It's part government, part lack of understanding, part societal attitudes, but it's very real and we all know it. Plenty of people are in the same boat and you'd be surprised how many people are aware of it and want to see real change as much as you do.
We're on the same side

Maya Angelou was a very smart lady and just as kind. Whenever I hear her name I remember her as kind and appreciative and classy. I was lucky enough to be her nurse a few times and she was always one of my favorite patients.

 

[Autistamatic]

I was lucky enough to be her nurse a few times and she was always one of my favorite patients.

Wow! What an amazing lady and how nice it must have been to have met her

Another quote of hers which has had relevance to me many a time, particularly after recent decisions of mine, and I think resonates with a lot of Aspies is:

"When I decided to speak, I had a lot to say."

 

[Nervous Rex]

A lot of people here know and feel exactly what you are going through. You have our sympathy, empathy, and compassion.

Don't worry about other people. Just focus on learning what works for you.

 

[trustwaves]

I can really relate to this. It actually felt like something I would write. The part where you said "Its so hard to explain, I have the need to enjoy normal things but I don't."
That just gets me. Like that's what I feel everyday. It's an unexplainable feeling. A need to enjoy partying and being around people a lot. But actually hating it. Maybe even pretending you like it to satisfy the need but it's never worth it.
I've learnt that most NT's just float. Not really caring about much or maybe about too much. They're never honest. They just go with the flow and whatever is easier. We have a gift to be passionate, to be honest, to be thinking outside the box and beyond. We feel more deeply. We can connect more beautifully and honestly. We can see the world in such a positive light if you let yourself. Find ways of why you like being autistic. Of why you like being you. Keep adding to it as you learn more about yourself. Stop comparing. Start living for you and only you xx