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I guess this is the future

Discussion in 'Help and Support' started by Feldwebel Knispel, Mar 13, 2018.

  1. Feldwebel Knispel

    Feldwebel Knispel Active Member

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    I’m 20 years old, male, and was diagnosed with ASD when I was 16. I don’t want this to be misconstrued as a suicide post, but I am tired of life to be perfectly blunt and don’t feel like things will get better. I can barely hold down a part time job, I flunked out of college and can’t come back because of my financial aid getting cut. Right now, I am unemployed and not in school. To make matters worse, I don’t drive.

    My passion is political and social commentary and one reason I decided to not come back to school was so I could have more time to vlog and write. My dream is to be famous, travel the world, and live overseas while doing political commentary for a living. Unfortunately, reality has different plans it seems. My dad brought up the possibility that I will never move out of the house due to my inability to hold down a job and that I will probably never learn to drive and have to be on SSI. Due to my aspirations, that is not something I am ready to accept. I will not be happy until I can do the things I dream of doing and actually be somebody.

    My interactions with the opposite sex have not gone well either. I’ve never kissed, had sex, or even been in an actual relationship. It doesn’t seem like that is going to change anytime soon. No matter what I seem to do or advice I take (I’ve tried TRP and PUA among other things) nothing seems to work. I’ve been shot down, ghosted, accused of harassment and sent to the dean of the college, and more. The closest I came to a relationship was a “thing” I had going with a girl I met online that lived in another state when I was younger. She eventually decided that I was not good enough to be in her life anymore and implicitly cut me out of her life. This makes me feel hurt, worthless, and angry more than anything else. I just want to experience love and intimacy with a beautiful woman, but that is apparently too much to ask for.

    To make matters worse, my mother is not very understanding or sympathetic of my disorder. She cried crocodile tears during my diagnosis, but has been treating me like nothing is wrong and I’m an NT. She also pesters me about taking depression medication and tries to make me feel guilty for being depressed even though she is depressed herself but just chooses to self medicate. She does nothing to help me or try to understand me or anything.

    Nobody understands me or values me for me and I always feel lonely, worthless, and like I have no purpose. My best friend in town is also moving away and my best friend from high school lives almost two hours away and is busy with college and Army stuff. I have no idea how to be social and put myself out there since I seem to be interested in a lot of things that people my age don’t like. I just want this to be over.
     
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  2. Iamnotarabot

    Iamnotarabot Well-Known Member

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    Well, i dont know what to say, at least i understand you.( especially the last part)

    Im 26 and when i was 20 i was thinking the same ( except that i have no real idea of what i want to do in life, i am realy quickly obsessed by politics )

    Nothing has changed for me since then , i just got an useless grade and a driving licence.

    What else can i say...i dont know..;try to find the easiest job you could for now? something close to your home?

    Did you already tried to drive, did you already have driving lessons?
     
  3. Joel's Hear

    Joel's Hear Big nosed and balding but whatever

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    Have you ever thought about getting into survival in the wilderness for long periods of time?
     
  4. Iamnotarabot

    Iamnotarabot Well-Known Member

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    That is the closest thing to suicide for me kek
     
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  5. Gracey

    Gracey Well-Known Member

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    I am sorry this is happening to you at the moment.

    You have indentified many things you are frustrated over.

    Sometimes desperate times can push us toward desperate measures.

    Many may consider suicide as the only option to ensure "it to be over" and perhaps the only desperate measure they can think of.

    But you're not 'many people'

    You're twenty years old and on the spectrum. Use that incredible brain of yours to actualise your dream.
    Nobody can hand you your dream.
    You have to create it.

    How?

    Start at the very beginning like everyone else does.
    Use your frustrations and desperation to propel you forward.
    Research,research,research.
    Don't focus on what you haven't got.
    Look at what you have got and how you may move forward and gain the things you're going to need.

    ?
     
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  6. Joel's Hear

    Joel's Hear Big nosed and balding but whatever

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    I think for many people, actually the vast majority, it would be a terrible idea to go into the wilderness for long periods of time. But I've done it before, and sometimes you'll find something deep and profound about life out there alone that gets blocked within this hectic, crazy world.
     
  7. Sherlock77

    Sherlock77 Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I've had moments like this... When I was your age, they hadn't even thought of ASP... All I would say is to give life a chance, there will be struggles, but there will also be good surprises...
     
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  8. wight

    wight Well-Known Member

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    I don't intend this to sound mean, but this is how life is. The world is a mean, hard, awful place and will beat you down over and over and over. That is just how it is and the only thing you can do is keep getting up.
     
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  9. FreeDiver

    FreeDiver How long can you hold your breath? V.I.P Member

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    Too bad that you really can't "stand in someone else's shoes". Because if you could and see just how bad the other person(s) has/have it in life. It might make you more content. And contentment can really change your perspective(and attitude) on life.
     
  10. Bolletje

    Bolletje Potato chip wizard

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    Rock bottom is not necessarily the end. 3 years ago I was a clinically depressed med school dropout with no job, no income whatsoever, no benefits, no place to live, no relationship with my family and strained relationships with friends at best.
    But I focused on what I did have and what I could do, and I managed to slowly build myself back up step by step. It involved lots of shitty jobs, taking risks, groveling and putting myself out there, but now I’m a medical doctor, with my own flat, a (mostly) happy relationship, a handful of friends, and a restored relationship with my family.

    I feel for you, I really do. Life’s not easy, but wallowing is guaranteed to get you nowhere.
     
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  11. Bella Pines

    Bella Pines Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Often, people will project their insecurities. Your mother clearly does it, and likely so do we. She has depression and reacts negatively when she sees it in you. In actual fact, she is not seeing you, she is seeing her reflection. However, the fact that she pesters you and came to your diagnosis means that she cares deeply. So try to accept her for who she is and look past the neurosis. Ignore her reaction to you, chalk it down to her issues, and remember it could be much much worst.


    Well yes, clearly. You're a couple of decades younger than me and so grew up in the social media generation, exposed to actresses, models and given the impression that women are friendly and available. This has never been the case! Drop your standards back down to reality and instead of shooting for 'intimacy with a beautiful woman', try out 'a conversation with an average looking woman'! Much more achievable.


    Well everyone here understands. None of us can easily hold down a job and few of us have friends for exactly this reason.


    So what's next?

    Are you mobile? As in able to walk unaided? If you really are in your 20s and unattached, with no dependents and no mortgage. What is stopping you? If I was in your position I would be backpacking in Myanmar and running a political commentary from the ground. Either from a really old laptop or on paper and writing it up when I get back...?
     
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