I finally said no to my father--THANK YOU to all those who helped!

[autism-and-autotune]

It's been an issue on my mind for the past couple weeks, but thanks to a lot of you on a different thread, I was encouraged to face my fears and fully close the book on what would've been an unfinished page.

To the summons of my father for a funeral, which demanded (not asked or requested) I show up, I finally slept on the words that I wanted to respond with. An interaction with another user here showed that my anger was ill-directed, so I channeled that anger into a concise and prompt response.

'(Fiance's name) appreciates the invitation too, but unfortunately time off from work cannot be afforded. I will also say that I am angry about the events in February, as my boundaries should have been respected. No one is allowed to our home without permission. Give everyone my best, and take care.'

A few points are that he specifically didn't invite my fiance, and my sister had also tried to convince them to respect my boundaries and not show up to my home uninvited, which they ignored. 'I just wanted to see you!' were dad's words, after months of trying to contact me and trying to Facetime or get a phone call. No, no ,no, and no; I'll talk when I want to. And they showed up anyways, informing me of the death of my aunt because 'we never hear from you.' In similar, they don't even know that I got a different job and am working where they don't expect.

And now I offer my thanks to all of you who helped me get the courage to say no to my father for the first time in my life. I was still afraid, and I still almost had a panic attack and it felt wrong to stand up for myself. But those who abused me in the past do not deserve my comfort and company. Those who left it up to me to find out about my autism and take charge of my mental health rather than helping me...I'm still just so angry. What I did is just the tip of the anger-iceberg. Baby steps.

I appreciate you all so so much!

 

[Luca]

I am so happy to hear this! Great for you and your fiance for standing your ground!!
We appreciate you too.

 

[VictorR]

Congratulations on finding the courage to stand up for yourself and may you continue to find it as you navigate through other situations.

 

[Rodafina]

Thanks for sharing these developments. I hope that any uncomfortable feelings you had in doing this dissipate over time and you feel resilient and in control of your own life now. Well done using valuable resources and taking due time to consider what you wanted and how to go about it. This is really great to hear.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

That's great to hear, A-A-A. I definitely relate to the lack of boundaries being respected, and the excuses of, "But, I just wanted.." or "I just thought..." I hope things continue to go well.

 

[Outdated]

I was still afraid, and I still almost had a panic attack and it felt wrong to stand up for myself.

I'm proud of you. I did worse my first time around though, my parents had come from interstate and were staying at the house I shared with other people. When they started trying to run the house and lay down the law I kicked them out. I was terrified but felt great afterwards.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

I am so happy to hear this! Great for you and your fiance for standing your ground!!
We appreciate you too.

Thank you! I'd be nowhere in life if it weren't for my fiance; by protecting myself I am also protecting them.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

Congratulations on finding the courage to stand up for yourself and may you continue to find it as you navigate through other situations.

Thank you! Getting courage is very hard, but I agree with you--one small step is all it takes. Maybe eventually one day I can more effectively communicate the hardships they've put me through, and once and for all my unhappiness will be put to rest.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

Thanks for sharing these developments. I hope that any uncomfortable feelings you had in doing this dissipate over time and you feel resilient and in control of your own life now. Well done using valuable resources and taking due time to consider what you wanted and how to go about it. This is really great to hear.

You're welcome! The feelings may dissipate; time will tell. I'm glad that I responded to his email instead of just...ignoring it, like I usually do. Time and patience with myself is something I've had to work on.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

That's great to hear, A-A-A. I definitely relate to the lack of boundaries being respected, and the excuses of, "But, I just wanted.." or "I just thought..." I hope things continue to go well.

I hope so, too! The worst thing that could happen is they show up and yell and rant, at which point the police are called...but I doubt it'll come to that.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

I'm proud of you. I did worse my first time around though, my parents had come from interstate and were staying at the house I shared with other people. When they started trying to run the house and lay down the law I kicked them out. I was terrified but felt great afterwards.

Thank you Golly, I'm glad you kicked them out! "My house, my rules" is exactly what I'd want to have said. 'Terrifies but great afterwards'---oh, isn't that the whole story!

 

[Outdated]

Thank you Golly, I'm glad you kicked them out! "My house, my rules" is exactly what I'd want to have said. 'Terrifies but great afterwards'---oh, isn't that the whole story!

I can't remember where I read this:

"One of the hardest lessons in life is learning to see your parents as people instead of placing them up on a pedestal."

I believe you have just achieved personal growth.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

I can't remember where I read this:

"One of the hardest lessons in life is learning to see your parents as people instead of placing them up on a pedestal."

I believe you have just achieved personal growth.

*aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh* yes, yes I completely understand that statement.
It reminds me of an observation from my fiance perhaps five years ago now, after my parents had invited us to dinner out. "they care about what you are doing, now how you are doing. It hurt at first to realize--it hurt a lot.

 

[The Pandector]

It's been an issue on my mind for the past couple weeks, but thanks to a lot of you on a different thread, I was encouraged to face my fears and fully close the book on what would've been an unfinished page.

To the summons of my father for a funeral, which demanded (not asked or requested) I show up, I finally slept on the words that I wanted to respond with. An interaction with another user here showed that my anger was ill-directed, so I channeled that anger into a concise and prompt response.

'(Fiance's name) appreciates the invitation too, but unfortunately time off from work cannot be afforded. I will also say that I am angry about the events in February, as my boundaries should have been respected. No one is allowed to our home without permission. Give everyone my best, and take care.'

A few points are that he specifically didn't invite my fiance, and my sister had also tried to convince them to respect my boundaries and not show up to my home uninvited, which they ignored. 'I just wanted to see you!' were dad's words, after months of trying to contact me and trying to Facetime or get a phone call. No, no ,no, and no; I'll talk when I want to. And they showed up anyways, informing me of the death of my aunt because 'we never hear from you.' In similar, they don't even know that I got a different job and am working where they don't expect.

And now I offer my thanks to all of you who helped me get the courage to say no to my father for the first time in my life. I was still afraid, and I still almost had a panic attack and it felt wrong to stand up for myself. But those who abused me in the past do not deserve my comfort and company. Those who left it up to me to find out about my autism and take charge of my mental health rather than helping me...I'm still just so angry. What I did is just the tip of the anger-iceberg. Baby steps.

I appreciate you all so so much!

Really glad to hear it, A’s. It’s particularly encouraging to me, as I lived too much of my life buying into my parent’s belief that I would never amount to anything. They literally steered me to dishwashing or cooking, lining up jobs for me without asking me first. Years later, they were visiting our well-appointed home and I tried to share with them my job in high tech management in a secure vault. “Don’t try to tell me you ARE somebody,” Mom said with a withering sneer.

All I had ever wanted was to be respected for who I am. Did they think the house and cars came from my wife’s career? Could they not have a discussion about anything at all and see I had escaped the quivering mass of jelly their parenting left me to be?

I didn’t open my briefcase or hand them my business card, didn’t dump on them the magnitude of the technical mountain I had climbed by reading every freaking technical manual in California. (Too learning disabled to learn in a classroom.) What I did was demote them; silently and on the spot. Never again would I think of them as my judges. They were not socially desirable and I no longer needed their approval. As they say in France, “Screw those guys.”

Long story short, I had already slow-burned for decades. Enough of that; ever since that day, my goal has been to detach myself from that anger. As long as I’m still angry about it, they are living in my head rent free. They didn’t earn that space.

Now you’ve declared independence and no doubt they will have some counter move. Your dispassionate caution will serve you better than anger from this point on. Just don’t forget what you had to go through to gain independence from tyranny; no steps backward.

I’m looking forward to your post about them finally perceiving that you are your own person from now on. And don’t give up on the distant possibility that one day you will forgive them; that is your real gold medal.

Signed,
Notyet Holdenzegold

 

[Gerontius]

...I channeled that anger into a concise and prompt response.

'(Fiance's name) appreciates the invitation too, but unfortunately time off from work cannot be afforded. I will also say that I am angry about the events in February, as my boundaries should have been respected. No one is allowed to our home without permission. Give everyone my best, and take care.'

A few points are that he specifically didn't invite my fiance, and my sister had also tried to convince them to respect my boundaries and not show up to my home uninvited, which they ignored. 'I just wanted to see you!' were dad's words, after months of trying to contact me and trying to Facetime or get a phone call. ) No, no ,no, and no; I'll talk when I want to.

Good-morning; this was good news to wake up to. A master class in a polite but curt reproof.

 

[Atrapa Almas]

Congratulations.

Your experience of relief reminded me the tale of an incest survivor who faced her father in the later stages of her trauma recovery:

...simply mine.

This fragment is from Trauma and Recovery book.

Hugs.

 

[Aspychata]

So as you experience freedom, and wings growing on your back, guess what? It gets easier to start telling people what you are and aren't comfortable with. It's okay if they don't like it too. Great revelation, and thanks for updating us. You give others hope that are trying to cross thru that door. It took me awhile to find my voice, and speak for myself.