I fell in love with a high functioning autistic

[Ms.potato789]

Hey, so i was trying to learn about autism more and i found this site. Im still trying to figure out how to use this , but well , here's my story.
I've been hurt by men before that's why i swore never to get too attached to someone again. I've been talking to a lot of guys just to avoid having any feelings or to prevent thinking of a certain person too much. And then i met this guy, on a dating app. At first i thought that he is just like any other guy, but when we talked and i heard his voice , i really felt something. He is different from most guys i talked to. And then he asked me to be his girlfriend so i said yes. We have a lot of differences like we're both in the opposite side of the earth. He's from U.S and im from Philippines, he is an atheist and im a catholic, he's a kpop fan and i'm not, and etc.
I've opened up to him about my past(depression,harassment,anxiety) and the way he talks to me, i feel like he understands me. He didnt judge, he made me feel loved. And that is when i fell in love with him. But then he told me he has high functioning autism, at first i didnt believe it because he sounds and looks normal. Until we had an argument and he opened up to me about his life with autism, and that was the time i really believed that he actually have HFA , so i did my research about it and it led me here. Even tho i know he has HFA , i still accept him for who he is. And this is when i know that what i feel is true. I dont have autism by the way, and im still trying to learn more so that i could understand him deeper. Any advice on what or what not to do or say?

 

[Tom]

There are no true universal words 'not to say' to people on the spectrum. But studies have shown a significant number report experiencing negative feelings after hearing the words 'protuberance' or 'marbleized'.

 

[Bolletje]

I’m quite partial to protuberances

As for OP: just be a decent human being, respect his boundaries and your own. That’s a good place to start.

 

[Ken S.]

@Tom Where is the silly option when you need it.

For the OP,
Please tell me what normal looks like?
Everyone is different both NT (Neuro-Typical) and ND (Neuro-Diverse) My wife and I have many differences along with our commonalities which is most likely true of any long term relation person on the planet. I will list some of the differences mine common to yours if it is any help.
She is NT, I am ND.
She is a Christian, While I don't like labels Metaphysical Naturalist most closely coincidences with my beliefs.
She likes country & likes to occasionally go to the cowboy dance hall. I hate country and couldn't dance if I wanted too so she goes with her daughter.
The one thing that I see as bad is the distance between you as long distance relationships rarely work out.
Take your time going into any relationship. Learn their true personality before making any commitment. Wasting two or three years learning how a person reacts to daily situations is better than making a commitment you will later regret.

 

[Tom]

I’m quite partial to protuberances

As for OP: just be a decent human being, respect his boundaries and your own. That’s a good place to start.

I was thinking about Aspies that like a sense of order and regular patterns. To us things that stick out need to be pushed back in. Marbleized to us is like stray marks on an answer sheet that need to be erased. It's led me to a new crackpot theory that said Aspies would be adverse to partners with 'Outie' bellybuttons.

 

[Isadoorian]

Welcome to the Forums! I hope you make new friends and enjoy your stay in the process!

 

[All-Rounder]

Communication, make sure you gain his own input before judging him by other people's opinions, that's a mistake I regret having done, but was the only way I could get info on things. Keep searching for answers until youre convinced you understood. I easily misunderstood my boyfriend and got into tons of arguments simply because I misunderstood him or him me.

There are some traits i can mention but I'm not sure if your boy has them, so be careful about jumping to conclusions about him.
Auties are generally literal, try to speak literal meanings of words and sentences and see things for the literal sense.
Some auties have meltdowns and shutdowns, when they are overwhelmed they may need space and take time to respond because its a crisis situation and they need to calm down and recover.
Anxiety and processing information and their own emotions as well as explaining emotional stuff may make them harder to respond fast to input or unable to respond or answer a question until days later. Look into Alexithymia too but not all auties have it, some just cant explain their feelings but can understand them.
You need to discuss your needs explicitly and calmly with him, and try to have patience, hints do not work cause they dont get them.
He may not know how to flirt and come across as flirty to another woman without knowing and intending it.
He may not know social cues, such as not saying some stuff in some cases/public settings and may offend without intending, but make sure you discuss with him.

Rather than try to change him, try to understand his disabilities/hardships and offer him a space in which he can relax and not have to mask continuously because thats very exhausting for him and he wont feel real with you. Try to understand and accept his quirks, he is wired differently and will never learn how to be someone else, even if he can try to act normal for a while.

Be honest with him completely, he will know when youre lying or just trying to be nice [or itll make things harder for you two] and adore you when youre humble and honest and when you know youve made a mistake and acknowledge it.

Reassure him of your feelings, he may get confused sometimes because this difference in wiring is difficult on both sides.

 

[Fino]

Be nice! Nice people are nice.

 

[Aspychata]

It's helps if you can be yourself, and he feels comfortable being himself, that is the beauty of relationships, that you can bask in the sunshine of each other and not feel threatened or misunderstood.

 

[Wolfnox]

First congratulations. Second just take it slow. Learn more about his condition strengths and weaknesses. But just be there for him. For me at least stability is a big help .