I feel like I am losing her

[RachelN]

My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 2 years, and I love her dearly. At first we were very close--spending almost every second together, and we still kind of do. But lately we've been growing a part.

There's a lot of reasons why, but I have a lot of trouble.

First, I have said a lot of nasty things in the past. These things were not just mildly annoying. They were extremely abusive and toxic. It broke her heart, and in fact, cause us to separate. When we got back together, she was excited to start anew, but I don't think she was able to really forgive what I've done. Or trust that I've changed.

Second, I am a drug user. I feel like I am not doing any of the steps necessary to change this. Every time I try, I fail, and can't seem to motivate myself to get better. Some people on here offered their contact info. I can't bring myself to reach out.

Third, I depend a lot on her, and react very badly to her emotions. Sometimes she is sad or angry and except for dealing with it well, I have meltdowns. She is very understanding over my ASD, but my harsh reactions makes her feel like she can't express herself.

Lately, she comes off cold, and I wonder if this is why.

Fourth, I won't go to therapy. I keep telling her I will, but I am scared of what to expect.

I am not sure what to do. I don't want to lose her, but am paralyzed by anxiety every time I want to change. Going to a therapist terrifies me, and I can't help it. I get overstimulated easily and am already overwhelmed by work.

We have had a lot of talks, but I feel like I am not reaching her anymore. My insecurities get the best of me.

She also has a lot of insecurities and seems to think I'd "do a lot better without her". I'm not, though. I'm miserable. I don't know how to show that none of these things are true, and that it's in her head.

 

[BrokenBoy]

Go see a relationship counselor or therapist or something.

 

[onlything]

You need to decide what is more important to you. What is more frightening: the change? or loosing her? Both instances will hurt but it's a question of what will hurt more. It's a decision only you can make.

She may not be able to see a future with you right now. Not with someone that does the things you described and doesn't change. If you want to keep her, you need to give her hope that it will be better and that you're trying - and to do that you will need to step out of your comfort zone, go to a therapist or a counsellor, take care of your drug addiction... It's difficult and a lot of work, a lot of stress but if you truly want to stay with her, this is what you will do - or at least try. Everything starts with a first step, yours being - the decision.

 

[Sarah S]

"RachelN, ]My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 2 years, and I love her dearly. At first we were very close--spending almost every second together, and we still kind of do. But lately we've been growing a part.

" Okey this can happend to everyone tho "

There's a lot of reasons why, but I have a lot of trouble.

First, I have said a lot of nasty things in the past. These things were not just mildly annoying. They were extremely abusive and toxic. It broke her heart, and in fact, cause us to separate. When we got back together, she was excited to start anew, but I don't think she was able to really forgive what I've done. Or trust that I've changed.

" What you need to do is try to TALK to her and relay that youre feeling insecure that she has indeed forgiven you and AGAIN make it Crystal clear that you are indeed VERY sorry for al bad you have done and said. What you think and whats really the fact is what counts here. If she indeed was as angry and havent forgiven you do you really think she`s still being with you ? "

Second, I am a drug user. I feel like I am not doing any of the steps necessary to change this. Every time I try, I fail, and can't seem to motivate myself to get better. Some people on here offered their contact info. I can't bring myself to reach out.

" Okey well that CAN be takend cared of BUT its GONNA take ALOT of HARD work from YOU. you have to decide is this drug life worth loosing youre GF and most defenetly mess up youre life even more. And YES you NEED to take that first step in actually reaching out REGARDLESS of how mush inner defiance or anxiety fear etc.... THE ONLY one that can actually do this is YOU Simple as that "

Third, I depend a lot on her, and react very badly to her emotions. Sometimes she is sad or angry and except for dealing with it well, I have meltdowns. She is very understanding over my ASD, but my harsh reactions makes her feel like she can't express herself.

" Its clear to me you NEED help in coping with youre ASD as well as drug addiction"

Lately, she comes off cold, and I wonder if this is why.

" First of al we all know us with ASD usely SUCKS on reading people in general so rather then suspecting ASK her dear "

Fourth, I won't go to therapy. I keep telling her I will, but I am scared of what to expect.

" I can understand that as Therapy is indeed something very hard emotionally fore many people. & YES its a rough road to travel as you will be forced to actually dig deep in to youre soul. BUT what if said therapy actually HELPS you to finally understand why youre feeling a you do & somehow with the help of the therapist you find a way to actually learn how to cope and ACCEPT youre Diagnosis ? "

I am not sure what to do. I don't want to lose her, but am paralyzed by anxiety every time I want to change. Going to a therapist terrifies me, and I can't help it. I get overstimulated easily and am already overwhelmed by work.

" Thats a GOOD first step you dont whant to loose he . What do you need to do to keep her ? My suggestion is take a few DEEP breaths and call a licenced therapist and ask for an appointment .THEN hang up and breath deeply again and try to relax if possible go to youre GF and HUG her and let her know you have now called and made an appointment & you would LOVE it if she could perhaps follow you to said appointment as emotional support as you have HIGH anxiety issues with taking this step BUT with her help you WILL do this "

We have had a lot of talks, but I feel like I am not reaching her anymore. My insecurities get the best of me.

"Talk that dont lead anywhere is just that. What she whants to see from youre side is ACTION from youre side dear "

She also has a lot of insecurities and seems to think I'd "do a lot better without her". I'm not, though. I'm miserable. I don't know how to show that none of these things are true, and that it's in her head.

" The best way to show her this is what i alredy said before show her youre ABLE to actually get help and also WILLING to do this fore HER and YOU'RE sake. To me it sounds that she has low self esteem her self and thats NOT making things better. Nor to have you on drugs feeling bad and unable to show her how mush you love her and youre determination to get this takend cared of. Its NOT an easy road to take i wont lye BUT im SHORE that the two of you CAN actually make this by taking ONE step at a time (its not how great that step is its to actually TAKE one step ahead and continue this way NICE and steady and SLOWLY

Oh and you can ad me to the list of willing reached out hands lets see if you DARE to take it or not "

 

[china autie]

For the drug use: goto in the rooms dot com.
intherooms.com
Sign up. Make up a nickname, do not use your real one.

There are meetings there. You do not have to talk. I endorse the women's meetings especially.

You do not have to decide that you are addicted.

If you do not want to give up drugs, then look into "harm reduction".

Everyone else have covered the rest of it.

You are worth having a better life.

 

[Fino]

Face your fears or continue suffering.

One option is to continue in this way, never change, it will slowly get worse, and eventually something terrible will happen, such as death or near-death, at which point you will likely finally have the motivation required to change something in highly uncomfortable ways.

That's what I did. Not recommended.

It's okay to be uncomfortable, uncertain, afraid, and overwhelmed. None of that means you can't do it. It just is.

Good luck! The universe loves you!

 

[BraidedPony]

You aren’t ready for a relationship right now, just let her go.

 

[paloftoon]

It is great you are so self-aware.
It's hard to let go of someone you connected with, especially for so long.

It is your life (and hers), so ultimately you both decide if you want to let each other go.
It is worth discussing your concerns with her.
Tell her you don't feel motivated and aren't sure if you want to continue the relationship unless she is okay with you not being motivated to do any of those things. If things do change later on and both of you are single at that time, you would hope to be re-considered. You could possibly agree to mutually break up but try to stay platonic friends. If you try to break up in this manner and anticipate these kind of problems before the situation gets out of control, this could help you in the long run with whoever you end up with and for keeping some kind of peace with your current partner.