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I feel angry when strangers approach me.

Discussion in 'Help and Support' started by Utini, Sep 21, 2018.

  1. Utini

    Utini Member

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    For those that feel the same way but know a way to cope with it, I would like to know your secret.

    I try my best to avoid people but the harder I work on avoiding, the more angry I get when somebody comes around the corner and says "Good morning!" I never respond the way that they would like me to (flat effect) so it leaves people to believe that I am a miserable person. Then I get the "Bad day?", making me even more angry.

    I wear headphones when I shop to avoid people but it doesn't always work. Employees will occasionally still try to get my attention, even at the self checkout. I felt horrible for getting angry at staff a couple times. I just found it to be absolutely rude at the time, still do in a way.

    Tried to pretend I was mute a couple times but it ends up making things more awkward. Strangers don't react well when you just give them a small wave when they say hello, at least not where I'm from. Wisconsin is too friendly. Sometimes I wish I was mute but then I think about how most people never consider that anyone could be a mute just like how they don't understand that some people just don't want to tell you about their day. Somebody is always upset in the end.
     
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  2. Progster

    Progster Gone sideways to the sun V.I.P Member

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    I can relate to this feeling. When I go out, I just want to go about my business and be left alone, and it feels like an intrusion when people want to talk to me for whatever reason, I resent it and react in a similar way to you. I don't like forced social interaction. It's ok when I'm the one who decided on it and initiated it, but if not, it feels like an invasion of my private space. There's not a lot we can do about it - people don't do it on purpose to annoy, they are usually trying to help or be friendly; we live in a social world where it is normal and expected to say hi to people you meet in the street, greet and chat to people, etc, and I am the one who feels and reacts differently, so I can't blame people for just doing what comes naturally to them. The only thing I can do is try to do my shopping at quiet times, or go to a shop further away so there's less chance that I'll bump into a neighbour, or walk along a side street rather than the main street, to reduce the chances of meeting someone who knows me in the street.

    One thing I can't bear, that really does make me feel angry, is someone poking me to get my attention grrrr!!!
     
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  3. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    That's the reason I won't go to a salon to get my hair cut, or nails done or day spas. They want to talk to me.
     
  4. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    But when I worked at the hospital and had to go room to room was a bit of a challenge. You feel the mood when you walk in. This room, everyone is sad so you have to be empathetic. The next room is cheerful and I might make a joke. The next, just serious and you have to be serious and the next wants left alone so you're quiet. But I HATED walking into a room with someone who didn't stop talking and it was almost impossible to get out.
    I think in public places, many people want to try to be friendly and attempting to spread happiness. If I don't feel like talking I just smile and nod and hope they stop soon.
     
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  5. Tom

    Tom Well-Known Member

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    You live in the wrong place. You need to move to one of the most unfriendly countries to strangers where you will be ignored to your heart's delight.

    Bottom 10:
    1. Denmark
    2. Austria
    3. Kuwait
    4. China
    5. Switzerland
    6. Finland
    7. Hungary
    8. Japan
    9. Saudi Arabia
    10. Germany
    The friendliest - and least friendly - countries in the world
     
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  6. Progster

    Progster Gone sideways to the sun V.I.P Member

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    I had to stay in a hospital ward to have surgery, and there was another woman in there who just would NOT shut up, and she also had a TV on all the time. I couldn't stand it. Other wards were quiet, why did I have to get put in that one? I guess I was unlucky. I had earplugs and headphones on a lot of the time, but I could still hear her. However, I was mobile and able to leave the ward and go outside to get a break, I had to, for the sake of my sanity.
     
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  7. OkRad

    OkRad Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I have come to terms with it OK unless they touch me. Infuriating. Last few days, someone touched my hair and another swatted a mosquito on my forehead. I would never in a millions years touch anyone unless I asked if it was OK.
     
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  8. Andy Lupson

    Andy Lupson Xxxandyxxx

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  9. Andy Lupson

    Andy Lupson Xxxandyxxx

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    It's not a secret!! I just try to be politely ignorant!!
    I can't Stand small talk! But I've learned to not be too rude, I HOPE
     
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  10. Ming of Mongo

    Ming of Mongo Member

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    Develop a stock response to small talk that you can give with some imitation of enthusiasm. "Hello," is good. Nobody really cares about how you are doing, or what you did that weekend. The just want to be acknowledged, so acknowledge them and move on. It gets easier. If there's a few people you actually do care how they think about you, tell them you suck at small talk but you want to be friends. It usually works.
     
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  11. Glassine

    Glassine New Member

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    I know not everyone can manage it, but I just fake it and keep walking. Like I just give a cheery sounding good morning or hello and get away. Usually they don't really want to talk either, they're just being "polite."
     
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  12. Utini

    Utini Member

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    Makes me even angrier that it's considered polite to acknowledge strangers lol
     
  13. phoe

    phoe Well-Known Member

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    It could be a fear response because it's not a situation you have control of - try looking at it as a game to test yourself, their getting means nothing more than a grunt of acknowledgement to another member of the same species, and that's probably as far as the getting extends.

    We got a dog, and it was a game my wife set up for me to say hello / good morning to people we'd meet. That's it, that's as far as it went, but it built my confidence a lot.

    We'd moved house around this time, and we had one elderly neighbour who absolutely blanked us despite our best efforts to get him to return the getting. This went on for about 2 years, and it was getting funnier each time we tried, and finally he said "morning" back to us.

    Try going along with it, but you decide when to start, you could always say "I'm sorry, I've got Aspergers, and talking like this scares me", which at least gives them a context, and they'll not expect anything more from you
     
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  14. Progster

    Progster Gone sideways to the sun V.I.P Member

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    I don't initiate conversation too often, but if I ever ask how someone is, I mean the question, and if they reply "fine", then I say, "glad to hear it!" This is how I show that I mean the question and am not just asking to be polite.
     
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  15. Suzanne

    Suzanne Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I feel the same way and try to avoid as much as possible. Partly why I have social phobia.

    I can feel myself panic as a stranger walks past, because I do not to acknowledge, but I have to acknowledge as I hate being unpolite.

    If I see people walking by, I cannot go out.
     
  16. Suzanne

    Suzanne Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Good example of everyone has something going on.

    Perhaps elderly neighbour has had years of negativity and lacks trust and thus, felt suspicious of a friendly hello?
     
  17. LadyBird84

    LadyBird84 Well-Known Member

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    I hate when I've planned to have some time to myself to sort my thoughts (mostly when commuting or taking a walk) and people start talking to me. TBH I dislike running into people I know more, because you kind of have to talk to them. I don't mind talking to cashiers (though I still prefer the self check out), I hate small talk far more. Though I admit, sometimes I have enjoyed talking to strangers, especially older people for some reason. But it's rare and I prefer to be left alone mostly. I actually like talking to my neighbors. They are nice people and when I'm done with the conversation I can just move on.
     
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  18. Bella Pines

    Bella Pines Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Coffee shops. I like ambient noise, I like coffee, I like the atmosphere. I HATE people approaching me! I hate it when the barista learns my order and thinks we have some sort of connection or relationship. I hate it when I go somewhere that I like (which I will then do regularly in routine) and other people who go there regularly think they know me and say "oh hello again". I hate it that people recognize me in my road and in the supermarket and on my commuter train. I wear bluetooth headphones most of the time but they don't get the hint. I've tried not responding but that just makes them try harder and ask if I'm "okay".

    I don't know how to make them stop, they seem to need some sort of human connection. I think it energizes NTs. The only way I've managed to stay calm is to be polite but brief. I will try very hard to avoid them, but failing that, nod and say good morning and quickly look away.

    Ooh maybe I should get a t-shirt made up that just says .... f
     
  19. Lirazel

    Lirazel New Member

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    I'd move somewhere people are less sociable. I here nobody talks to you in London. There must be places like that in Wisconsin. .
     
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  20. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    We had just moved to Moab, Utah. Utah's main population is Mormon. I had decided I would, for once, try to be friendly to my neighbors. I was outside and my neighbor started talking to me and I decided to try very hard to maybe make friends with her. I never drink coffee and I don't like coffee and I've never invited someone over for coffee, but the words came out of my mouth ,"You'll have to come over for coffee sometime." I know Mormons don't drink coffee and I've never said that before and why did I say that? Anyway, she gave me a dirty look, walked away and never spoke to me again.
     
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