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I don’t want to contact with former colleagues

Owliet

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I keep being told that it is good for me to reconnect with my former colleagues that I have on WhatsApp, and whilst I understand the reason for it (social networking), since my employment ended with them in July, without being kept on, I am finding it difficult to give myself a personal reason as to why I should do the contacting. Not once has any of them contacted me. The people added were not problematic but I still feel a lot of anger and hurt with how telling me that I wasn’t being kept on because they couldn’t offer me anything (dancing me around till February and then patting me on the back like a good dog) but then telling me that I did an amazing job.

I still think I messed up in the job somehow, like I wasn’t worthy to be kept on and they just didn’t want to tell me. I know that I sound very angry about it and its probably ridiculous to feel as such but I guess despite the months that have passed by since, I haven’t gotten over it as much as I thought. It takes a lot for me to open up to people, especially new people. And originally I didn’t want to make any form of social contact with them because I knew the job was only for a year But that didnt happen.

In some sense, not being kept on feels like a Rejection that I’m still processing. I didn’t have the best experience in the job — compared to this current one which whilst it is temporary, I’m not feeling like I’m being burnt out or having back-stabbing work colleagues or working pretty much every hour of the day because I had nothing. If some of the new ones talk to me, I respond automatically but I’m not actively seeking them out. But my previous ones, I was with for a year.

My support worker and parents (mainly mom) keep asking me if i have contacted them to say hi and such but they don’t seem to understand that because of how I’m still feeling about this, and the fact that the former colleagues haven’t bothered contacting me at all, that I don’t want to be rejected Again. I just got out of the depression that I was in after the contract ended in July. I don’t really want to go down that again as it triggered me into self harming AgaiN as I am worthless, so deserved it.

I don‘t understand why it’s absolutely necessary for me to act like I am still on friendly terms with them,like i see them everyday, that I act like they are friends when they have not contacted me so means that I am not around. I keep saying that I’ll message them at Christmas to wish them a happy holiday. Outside of that, I don’t know what else to say. How can I say “Merry Christmas. I still haven’t got a full time job and I have just got out of my depression, how are you?” Saying that isn’t acceptable, would show that I’m rightfully pathetic and I don’t want to work there every again. But apparently, I have to connect with them. It’s stressing me out a lot.
 

VictorR

Random Member
V.I.P Member
To be honest, if things didn't exactly end on amicable terms, and especially where there's some trauma or angst, I'm not really seeing what reconnecting might do - I would also be inclined to just move on.

That being stated, even when I've parted on amicable terms, it's not unusual that I might meet a former colleague to catch up over lunch a couple months later or maybe a year later and that's the last either of us hears of the other. I guess I'm not much of an networker.
 

Thinx

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
It's fine not to contact them if you prefer not to. I'm guessing your support worker and parents are neurotypical, and so they have different perspectives on this type of thing to how many of us might view it.

Two things strike me about how you put your issue. One, it's mainly your mom saying this. Sounds like she doesn't know when to back off, so you probably need to recognise that and see that this is your mom's issue. She wants you to, is different to, you want to. You are an adult, and you can decide this. If you try to live your life by neurotypical norms pushily dictated by your mom you probably won't be very happy. Your decision on this is fine.

Secondly, your SUPPORT worker says this? What part of the word 'support' is this person not understanding? And what if anything do they know about autism? What is this person's role, in relation to you, and how happy are you with how they are doing their job?

You have said what you intend to do in relation to contacting people from your former workplace, try using the broken record technique on anyone who tries to impose their views on you like this. Like, have a phrase you say and don't otherwise engage with them on it, like, we already discussed this and I told you I will be wishing them happy holidays.

You've moved on and you have got some work, glad to hear that. How is it, do you like the work?
 

Moogwizard

My mind is my own church
V.I.P Member
I keep being told that it is good for me to reconnect with my former colleagues that I have on WhatsApp, and whilst I understand the reason for it (social networking), since my employment ended with them in July, without being kept on, I am finding it difficult to give myself a personal reason as to why I should do the contacting. Not once has any of them contacted me. The people added were not problematic but I still feel a lot of anger and hurt with how telling me that I wasn’t being kept on because they couldn’t offer me anything (dancing me around till February and then patting me on the back like a good dog) but then telling me that I did an amazing job. I still think I messed up in the job somehow, like I wasn’t worthy to be kept on and they just didn’t want to tell me. I know that I sound very angry about it and its probably ridiculous to feel as such but I guess despite the months that have passed by since, I haven’t gotten over it as much as I thought. It takes a lot for me to open up to people, especially new people. And originally I didn’t want to make any form of social contact with them because I knew the job was only for a year But that didnt happen. In some sense, not being kept on feels like a Rejection that I’m still processing. I didn’t have the best experience in the job — compared to this current one which whilst it is temporary, I’m not feeling like I’m being burnt out or having back-stabbing work colleagues or working pretty much every hour of the day because I had nothing. If some of the new ones talk to me, I respond automatically but I’m not actively seeking them out. But my previous ones, I was with for a year. My support worker and parents (mainly mom) keep asking me if i have contacted them to say hi and such but they don’t seem to understand that because of how I’m still feeling about this, and the fact that the former colleagues haven’t bothered contacting me at all, that I don’t want to be rejected Again. I just got out of the depression that I was in after the contract ended in July. I don’t really want to go down that again as it triggered me into self harming AgaiN as I am worthless, so deserved it. I don‘t understand why it’s absolutely necessary for me to act like I am still on friendly terms with them,like i see them everyday, that I act like they are friends when they have not contacted me so means that I am not around. I keep saying that I’ll message them at Christmas to wish them a happy holiday. Outside of that, I don’t know what else to say. How can I say “Merry Christmas. I still haven’t got a full time job and I have just got out of my depression, how are you?” Saying that isn’t acceptable, would show that I’m rightfully pathetic and I don’t want to work there every again. But apparently, I have to connect with them. It’s stressing me out a lot.
Who is telling you to reconnect?
 

Stuttermabolur

A psychologist said so
V.I.P Member
I wonder if this might be a generational thing as well. My mother told me when I was entering pre-high school that I should greet people who were with me in middle school when I meet them on the hallway. She talked about how she would do a lot of catching up when she was at this stage in her life and everyone was always greeting each other. However, she is of a different generation, and pretty much nobody actually greeted other kids on the hallways, and people who were friends were already chatting on social media, so there wasn't much catching up to do. If I would have said hi to everyone, it would just have made me seem even weirder, or desperate even.

In your situation, I see chatting with your co-workers outside of work or sending holiday greetings as being very weird. I would be put off if I received a message like that, as never in my life has that happened. I really don't think you should do as your mother tells you in this case, especially because of how the thought of it is making you feel. Honestly, the only reason I see to contact a workmate on Christmas is if you are actual friends, and that doesn't seem to be the case for you (quite the opposite). Keep in mind, that I come from a different culture, so maybe it's perfectly normal in parts of the US; I would still advice against doing stuff which makes you feel depressed just because someone tells you to. We tend to know ourselves better than other people do.
 

Forest Cat

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
This thing about being worthless, I think it's important to sometimes look at the world and all the crazy things people do. And remind yourself that you're not worse than other people, you're not worthless. You may feel that way, but that feeling is wrong. We live in a crazy world full of lunatics and you come across as being much more normal and nice than a lof of them. And you really should not hurt yourself.
 
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Owliet

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
To be honest, if things didn't exactly end on amicable terms, and especially where there's some trauma or angst, I'm not really seeing what reconnecting might do - I would also be inclined to just move on.

That being stated, even when I've parted on amicable terms, it's not unusual that I might meet a former colleague to catch up over lunch a couple months later or maybe a year later and that's the last either of us hears of the other. I guess I'm not much of a networker.
I think my additional problem is that it’s quite painful to even consider connecting. It’s not for any sentimental reasons for the people, but it was my first time full time working, and whilst there were difficulties, I survived the year. I proved that I could do the job and be successful. To be normal, to be able to live independently and earn my own money is more important for me than trying to form the additional things like relationships and friendships. And I was trying at that. And then it was taken away. So adding to this, the additional social interactions despite not always being included or dealing with passive aggressive behavior from only a few of the colleagues, was a lot but i just feel so hurt by it. And no one really seems to understand why i feel like this.
She wants you to, is different to, you want to. You are an adult, and you can decide this. If you try to live your life by neurotypical norms pushily dictated by your mom you probably won't be very happy. Your decision on this is fine.
your SUPPORT worker says this? What part of the word 'support' is this person not understanding? And what if anything do they know about autism? What is this person's role, in relation to you, and how happy are you with how they are doing their job?
You've moved on and you have got some work, glad to hear that. How is it, do you like the work?
She asked me again yesterday if I had spoken to anyone and I said no. That the most ill do is wish them a merry Christmas and leave it at that. I don’t think she was very happy with me but in this case, at least she didn’t push it like she has done many times.

Yes, my support worker who i have through the Autistic support clinic here. Usually, the advice I’m given and the goals I have to do are helpful. It’s a little bit different here because the ultimate goal is for an ASD person to work in some Way. The person that I have has worked with others with ASD but I’m not entirely sure if she has a background in it or if she’s just picked up on things whilst on the job. The only issue that I have with the advice is on this, although it is possible that I may not have explained it very well BUT surely she should have gotten some understanding of what I mean? I don’t want to be difficult but I do know that the connecting with these former colleagues is not something that I can take to be positive right now. As for the job, that’s going okay. I like working and it gives me some form of structure and routine too. The only difficulty that I am finding is that despite not being 100% like I was last time, I am still finding myself drained at the end of the day. But I have more time to chill after I get back from work.

Who is telling you to reconnect?
I wrote this in the first post. My parents (mainly my mom) and my support worker agrees with her.
I wonder if this might be a generational thing as well. My mother told me when I was entering pre-high school that I should greet people who were with me in middle school when I meet them on the hallway. She talked about how she would do a lot of catching up when she was at this stage in her life and everyone was always greeting each other. However, she is of a different generation, and pretty much nobody actually greeted other kids on the hallways, and people who were friends were already chatting on social media, so there wasn't much catching up to do. If I would have said hi to everyone, it would just have made me seem even weirder, or desperate even.

In your situation, I see chatting with your co-workers outside of work or sending holiday greetings as being very weird. I would be put off if I received a message like that, as never in my life has that happened. I really don't think you should do as your mother tells you in this case, especially because of how the thought of it is making you feel. Honestly, the only reason I see to contact a workmate on Christmas is if you are actual friends, and that doesn't seem to be the case for you (quite the opposite). Keep in mind, that I come from a different culture, so maybe it's perfectly normal in parts of the US; I would still advice against doing stuff which makes you feel depressed just because someone tells you to. We tend to know ourselves better than other people do.
It is possible that it is a generational thing, she seems to have some weird ideas and my support worker is of a similar age, so it is possible. It is not like I am not polite to people but I don’t want to be going further than making connections be deeper than they dont appear to be. If they were already in contact with me in some form, then perhaps it would be different but I dont want to seem desperate especially when I’m trying to move on from it As it was pretty difficult.

Its a bit normal to wish current work Colleagues greetings or those that you’ve made friends with here (I am not in the US) But as Ive never really kept long term friendships which most people have , I don’t know what it is for colleagues.
 

Forest Cat

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I think my additional problem is that it’s quite painful to even consider connecting. It’s not for any sentimental reasons for the people, but it was my first time full time working, and whilst there were difficulties, I survived the year. I proved that I could do the job and be successful. To be normal, to be able to live independently and earn my own money is more important for me than trying to form the additional things like relationships and friendships. And I was trying at that. And then it was taken away.

No wonder it has been so difficult for you. I know you took it very hard when they let you go from that job and I understand why.
 

GypsyMoth

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I keep being told that it is good for me to reconnect with my former colleagues that I have on WhatsApp, and whilst I understand the reason for it (social networking), since my employment ended with them in July, without being kept on, I am finding it difficult to give myself a personal reason as to why I should do the contacting. Not once has any of them contacted me. The people added were not problematic but I still feel a lot of anger and hurt with how telling me that I wasn’t being kept on because they couldn’t offer me anything (dancing me around till February and then patting me on the back like a good dog) but then telling me that I did an amazing job.

I still think I messed up in the job somehow, like I wasn’t worthy to be kept on and they just didn’t want to tell me. I know that I sound very angry about it and its probably ridiculous to feel as such but I guess despite the months that have passed by since, I haven’t gotten over it as much as I thought. It takes a lot for me to open up to people, especially new people. And originally I didn’t want to make any form of social contact with them because I knew the job was only for a year But that didnt happen.

In some sense, not being kept on feels like a Rejection that I’m still processing. I didn’t have the best experience in the job — compared to this current one which whilst it is temporary, I’m not feeling like I’m being burnt out or having back-stabbing work colleagues or working pretty much every hour of the day because I had nothing. If some of the new ones talk to me, I respond automatically but I’m not actively seeking them out. But my previous ones, I was with for a year.

My support worker and parents (mainly mom) keep asking me if i have contacted them to say hi and such but they don’t seem to understand that because of how I’m still feeling about this, and the fact that the former colleagues haven’t bothered contacting me at all, that I don’t want to be rejected Again. I just got out of the depression that I was in after the contract ended in July. I don’t really want to go down that again as it triggered me into self harming AgaiN as I am worthless, so deserved it.

I don‘t understand why it’s absolutely necessary for me to act like I am still on friendly terms with them,like i see them everyday, that I act like they are friends when they have not contacted me so means that I am not around. I keep saying that I’ll message them at Christmas to wish them a happy holiday. Outside of that, I don’t know what else to say. How can I say “Merry Christmas. I still haven’t got a full time job and I have just got out of my depression, how are you?” Saying that isn’t acceptable, would show that I’m rightfully pathetic and I don’t want to work there every again. But apparently, I have to connect with them. It’s stressing me out a lot.
Personally, I have only once tried to stay in touch with a former co-worker. Other times when I've reached out I've felt like my attempts were met with disdain or inconvenience. It just served as a reminder that if I hadn't fit in then, I certainly wasn't going to fit in now.

The only good I can see in staying in touch with former co-workers is if they can be valuable at all in helping you find the next job by being available as a reference. But usually, you get those contacts lined up before you're severed from your position--not after (although, I guess you could contact them after). Usually, it's a mercenary relationship that's formed, with each person putting in a good word for the other on LinkedIn, and not a genuine friendship.

I don't understand the support worker's and your parents' insistence on your keeping in contact with your former co-workers. Here's why. People aren't hired for who they are; they're hired for what they offer the company and for what they bring to the team. If you need an administrative assistant, because Sally retired, then you hire Jennifer as your next administrative assistant. Both people have the same skill set to do the job. Personality only comes into play when you consider the working environment: how well will this person get along with the team? Therefore, jobs are rather plug-and-play affairs.

But with friendships, you can't replace a friend. You can add new ones, but you always hold on to the old ones. Friends are there for you and you're there for your friends, even when not asked and not sought out. You share more than the activity of 'being' a friend. You are a friend. And you show it by what you do. It's about shared context; you go through life together with your friends.

I've been learning a little about friendships lately. Reaching out to create and maintain friendships is quite valuable over time, but it does take some investment on your part. A phone call here, a 'hello' email there, a morning out to coffee. I'm terrible at it, so I can't help more than this. Just to say, I think the advice you've been given at home is well-intended but misses the mark. What you need are real friends, not people who won't reach out to you because you're no longer a part of their plug-and-play workforce. That's just awful.
 

GypsyMoth

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
It is not like I am not polite to people but I don’t want to be going further than making connections be deeper than they dont appear to be. If they were already in contact with me in some form, then perhaps it would be different but I dont want to seem desperate especially when I’m trying to move on from it As it was pretty difficult.

Its a bit normal to wish current work Colleagues greetings or those that you’ve made friends with here (I am not in the US) But as Ive never really kept long term friendships which most people have , I don’t know what it is for colleagues.
I get this. You know, colleagues are usually very busy with their lives; colleagues who seem to know each other well have worked alongside each other for some time. IF you want to be more involved, then see if you can attach to an existing group of friendly people in your office. It doesn't really take a lot of involvement on your part, mostly just being present when Sue talks about her daughter's success at school or when John talks about the latest thing broke on his car. Just being present goes a long way to being admitted into the group. You may not think you are one of them, but to an outsider, you'll look like you belong.

At least, this is my present tactic at my new job. I don't look for long-term friends but people who I might be able to help in the moment. If something comes of it--great. And if not, that's fine, too.

It seems to be working, too. :)


(Well, except for lunch last week. It seems I talk too much. There's a lot to be said for saying nothing--it lets the other person imagine who you are instead of showing them who you are. And this is probably very terrible advice, so don't follow it.)
 

WhitewaterWoman

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
There is no good reason to keep in contact with people from a former job - unless that person can write you a good reference for the next job. It would have to be someone who did think your work was valuable.

In my experience, people who are “friends” at work disappear when the work context disappears.

You did great working for a year. If you don’t want to mix your work effort with social effort, don’t. That’s your decision.
 

Owliet

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
No wonder it has been so difficult for you. I know you took it very hard when they let you go from that job and I understand why.
Thank you for understanding.=) It is something that I am still processing.
Personally, I have only once tried to stay in touch with a former co-worker. Other times when I've reached out I've felt like my attempts were met with disdain or inconvenience. It just served as a reminder that if I hadn't fit in then, I certainly wasn't going to fit in now.

The only good I can see in staying in touch with former co-workers is if they can be valuable at all in helping you find the next job by being available as a reference. But usually, you get those contacts lined up before you're severed from your position--not after (although, I guess you could contact them after). Usually, it's a mercenary relationship that's formed, with each person putting in a good word for the other on LinkedIn, and not a genuine friendship.

I don't understand the support worker's and your parents' insistence on your keeping in contact with your former co-workers. Here's why. People aren't hired for who they are; they're hired for what they offer the company and for what they bring to the team. If you need an administrative assistant, because Sally retired, then you hire Jennifer as your next administrative assistant. Both people have the same skill set to do the job. Personality only comes into play when you consider the working environment: how well will this person get along with the team? Therefore, jobs are rather plug-and-play affairs.

But with friendships, you can't replace a friend. You can add new ones, but you always hold on to the old ones. Friends are there for you and you're there for your friends, even when not asked and not sought out. You share more than the activity of 'being' a friend. You are a friend. And you show it by what you do. It's about shared context; you go through life together with your friends.

I've been learning a little about friendships lately. Reaching out to create and maintain friendships is quite valuable over time, but it does take some investment on your part. A phone call here, a 'hello' email there, a morning out to coffee. I'm terrible at it, so I can't help more than this. Just to say, I think the advice you've been given at home is well-intended but misses the mark. What you need are real friends, not people who won't reach out to you because you're no longer a part of their plug-and-play workforce. That's just awful.
Yes, I understand. =) I don’t have many connections outside of work or IRL (this forum is my only source of interaction outside of my family for the most part) so it is challenging to form friendships with people and those via work I believed that once I let my walls down and started interacting with other people that they’d be friends but I think you and everyone on here is saying true about them not really being friends but work colleagues. It makes a lot of sense not to be on a friendly scale with them after not working there now. Furthermore, considering that I have already got references (you have to get them automatically once finishing up a job here), then it doesn’t really make sense for me to stay in contact with them on the same level as what I’m being advised to do.
There is no good reason to keep in contact with people from a former job - unless that person can write you a good reference for the next job. It would have to be someone who did think your work was valuable.

In my experience, people who are “friends” at work disappear when the work context disappears.

You did great working for a year. If you don’t want to mix your work effort with social effort, don’t. That’s your decision.
I already have a few very good references from them and will hopefully get some again from this current job but I don’t want to be on a friendship level with past colleagues, it is clear that they were not friends but I think I realized this when no one contacted me at any point after leaving the job to now — especially when a lot of them knew how upset I was about that. I dont think that friends would not reach out….
 

Aspychata

Serenity waves, beachy vibes
V.I.P Member
That's kind of old school that you stay in touch or it can be considered networking. But if your job is just a typical job, no need to keep in touch with anyone. Maybe 30 years ago, people did this. Often parents give outdated advice. You can't really tell them this. In their thought process, they think they are giving excellent advice that was relevant when they worked.

If you are working thru issues with this job, you might come to a point where you ask a past co-worker, so what was the really reason l was let go? People lose jobs all the time, and it's hard to limp away. I was so grateful when my manager told me she had to let me go, but it wasn't her decision, it was higher up. I went back to the job about a month later to pick up a check.
 

Owliet

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
If you are working thru issues with this job, you might come to a point where you ask a past co-worker, so what was the really reason l was let go?
I had my opportunity to ask one of my line managers why I wasn’t being kept on during my exit interview. It was more to do with not being able to find anything for me to do rather than me being a complete and utter failure at the job. Considering that the person who I was doing the 100% replacement for decided to come back 80%, the remaining 20% was given to someone who had been there for a long time, was only part time (not sure about her percentage) and decided to take full advantage of the fact that I was musing about liking it there enough to immediately go to the upper management to ask for more hours for herself — which I guess is why she felt guilty in the end but she was a bit of nasty person in the end with how she behaved towards me (passive aggressive comments, full on belittling me to actual students which was unprofessional). In some ways, I’m relieved that it is over, considering how toxic it was under neath it all. I dont like how they did it, and I don’t like how I felt afterwards but it was probably a blessing that I am not in that environment at the moment. Telling me as a piece of advice to “get confident” was not something that is helpful when asked what I can improve on (I had a passing discussion during one of my crumble moments when I felt that they were letting me go because I was not good enough). Thing is, I am pretty good at this job, and that is evident to see/hear from these current colleague who are pretty impressed by what I’m doing and what I do to get results (I’m not being arrogant here, I hope that it doesn’t come across as such, its just that I have had a few telling me that they’re hearing really good things etc). With these colleagues because it is temporary and only for a short time, I will be friendly enough to say hello to and respond when asked questions but I’m not actively seeking people out for socializing like I did last time. Then again, even last time I was never really invited to do weekend or end of work activities either — confidently left out. So, its probably a good thing really.
 

Forest Cat

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I had my opportunity to ask one of my line managers why I wasn’t being kept on during my exit interview. It was more to do with not being able to find anything for me to do rather than me being a complete and utter failure at the job. Considering that the person who I was doing the 100% replacement for decided to come back 80%, the remaining 20% was given to someone who had been there for a long time

I think this is important, they didn't fire you, they didn't tell you "you're terrible at this job and we have to get rid of you". It was just the situation, it didn't work out for several other reasons. So that's good, I'll bet you did a good job. :)
 

Owliet

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I think this is important, they didn't fire you, they didn't tell you "you're terrible at this job and we have to get rid of you". It was just the situation, it didn't work out for several other reasons. So that's good, I'll bet you did a good job. :)
Yes, and the 30% that they did offer was an offer but they decided that it wasn’t enough to live on. It was what it was. Its just the social side of it (not really surprising) and realizing that I can do the job but I find it difficult to navigate through a minefield of passive agressive behavior and will never fit into cliques. Any form of friendship i established whilst there was clearly surface level only, and realizing from feedback on here that its just not really necessary for me to reconnect with them is quite reassuring that I’m not the one being ridiculous over it (Like I had been made out to feel). That my experience working in this place was quite mixed and often on the feeling that I didn’t fit in, and would never fit in anywhere — I mean, as I was not included in any of the social work events why didn’t these people who were friendly with me try to make sure I was invited or felt like I was included? But then, I feel rather disappointed (?) that it takes a lot to trust, and when I let the barriers down this is the result — but it happens often in other areas (like my ex-psych, old friends) that maybe it is better to remain with that barrier up As I often always end up hurt or have something used against me in the long term (like my sibling, mom do). Its super exhausting trying to work all this out.

I may not even wish them wishes at Christmas either, although I haven’t gotten that far. The only one I’d probably would do that with is my old mentor/teacher as he’s helped me a lot over the years.So that’s the closest I have with a colleague friend, when it’s not really.

Maybe I should try to actually find friends, although that’s easy to say But not do.…
 

Forest Cat

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V.I.P Member
Yes, and the 30% that they did offer was an offer but they decided that it wasn’t enough to live on. It was what it was. Its just the social side of it (not really surprising) and realizing that I can do the job but I find it difficult to navigate through a minefield of passive agressive behavior and will never fit into cliques. Any form of friendship i established whilst there was clearly surface level only, and realizing from feedback on here that its just not really necessary for me to reconnect with them is quite reassuring that I’m not the one being ridiculous over it (Like I had been made out to feel). That my experience working in this place was quite mixed and often on the feeling that I didn’t fit in, and would never fit in anywhere — I mean, as I was not included in any of the social work events why didn’t these people who were friendly with me try to make sure I was invited or felt like I was included? But then, I feel rather disappointed (?) that it takes a lot to trust, and when I let the barriers down this is the result — but it happens often in other areas (like my ex-psych, old friends) that maybe it is better to remain with that barrier up As I often always end up hurt or have something used against me in the long term (like my sibling, mom do). Its super exhausting trying to work all this out.

I may not even wish them wishes at Christmas either, although I haven’t gotten that far. The only one I’d probably would do that with is my old mentor/teacher as he’s helped me a lot over the years.So that’s the closest I have with a colleague friend, when it’s not really.

Maybe I should try to actually find friends, although that’s easy to say But not do.…

I can understand what you mean with not fitting in. Or feeling like you didn't fit in. I don't think it's unusual that people don't make strong bonds or friendships with colleagues at work. After all, they are people you just happen to meet because of work, you have to spend time around them. You didn't seek out the people, they just came with the job.

But I do think it's good to make friends. The problem is that to do that we have to take a risk and let the barrier down. And it could blow up in our faces. :fearscream: But it's either taking that risk or going through life without really knowing anyone. I have heard that one good friend makes up for ten bad ones, tenfold. So taking that risk could be worth it, even if it sometimes goes wrong. Anyway, good luck with everything. :) And don't be hard on yourself, I think sometimes you are too hard on yourself.
 

Owliet

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I can understand what you mean with not fitting in. Or feeling like you didn't fit in. I don't think it's unusual that people don't make strong bonds or friendships with colleagues at work. After all, they are people you just happen to meet because of work, you have to spend time around them. You didn't seek out the people, they just came with the job.

But I do think it's good to make friends. The problem is that to do that we have to take a risk and let the barrier down. And it could blow up in our faces. :fearscream: But it's either taking that risk or going through life without really knowing anyone. I have heard that one good friend makes up for ten bad ones, tenfold. So taking that risk could be worth it, even if it sometimes goes wrong. Anyway, good luck with everything. :) And don't be hard on yourself, I think sometimes you are too hard on yourself.
Yes, you’d think I’d be used to the not fitting in but it still upsets me that I don’t feel like I ever will be. I don’t think it helps that there Are expectations to be seen as “normal as possible” in my household, so it acts as another reminder of things that are problematic for me. But I’ve noticed that the more I just embrace myself as me and not worry too much about what others think of me, then I’m much happier. Or at least, I’m becoming much happier within myself. Even if I’m an eccentric at times. With the new colleagues, i do think some of them think I’m a bit weird for not being around since they keep commentating about it but this work is 2 1/2 hours away by train, so afterwards I’m happy to go straight home and not do the extra bits. I don’t want to be too tired.

That’s very true. I have to remember that. =)
 

Forest Cat

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Yes, you’d think I’d be used to the not fitting in but it still upsets me that I don’t feel like I ever will be. I don’t think it helps that there Are expectations to be seen as “normal as possible” in my household, so it acts as another reminder of things that are problematic for me. But I’ve noticed that the more I just embrace myself as me and not worry too much about what others think of me, then I’m much happier. Or at least, I’m becoming much happier within myself. Even if I’m an eccentric at times. With the new colleagues, i do think some of them think I’m a bit weird for not being around since they keep commentating about it but this work is 2 1/2 hours away by train, so afterwards I’m happy to go straight home and not do the extra bits. I don’t want to be too tired.

That’s very true. I have to remember that. =)

Not really strange to want to go home right after work when you have a two and a half hour trip to get home. I think most people would understand that. And nothing wrong with being eccentric. Or weird. You're not bothering anyone.

And soon the owls will take over anyway and we won't have to think about work or getting along with work colleagues, only pleasing our owl overlords. ;) :D Have a nice weekend

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